Should we respectfully leave the Church

[Xantippe]

maryjk said:

“Actually, you can wean before she is a year. You may choose not too, but you can.”

Yes–I don’t know when nursing to one year acquired the force of federal and canon law, but it really is not obligatory.

If you can nurse to one year, fabulous, you have quite serious reasons to reestablish reliable fertility as soon as possible.

Best wishes!

 

[FLCathMom]

Don’t leave the Church!

Have you looked into the Marquette model of NFP that uses the clearblue fertility monitor? They have a method designed specifically for use when you are nursing and waiting for cycles to return.

In any case, why would you have to abstain for 20 years? Worst case scenario is abstaining until you have a reliable pattern of fertility, or am I misunderstanding?

God Bless!

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

This is not true. A saint is a person who goes directly to heaven after they die. If you do not go directly to heaven, you don’t necessarily go to Hell… you could go to purgatory. The belief in purgatory separates us from the protestants. Also, there are plenty of those in the church who don’t go directly to heaven.

We are off topic and arguing semantics but just to clarify and then we can move on.

A saint is a person who goes directly to heaven after they die.

The word “directly” is problematic. A saint, quite simply, is anyone, human or angel, residing in heaven. A Canonized Saint is someone the Church has revealed through the Holy Spirit (God) to be in Heaven. One WILL become a saint after purgatory. In fact ALL who die and go to purgatory will reach heaven. Will become saints. Those who die in mortal sin will go to hell. Most saints are probably not canonized. (hopefully)

here is where our semantics come into play.

I said that there are 2 destinations heaven and hell. You said “no, purgatory also.” And that those in purgatory are not saints. While this is technically true we must also look at the ideas of the Church about this. Purgatory is not “limbo” it is not permanent. Indeed all who are in it will see heaven. It is also Catholic teaching that no one in purgatory can help their own cause. You are judged to your dying breath. After that, the verdict is in. The purification may take some time, but “eternity” will be yours in heaven. We do not know the length of purgatory. It could be years, it could be millennia, it could be hours, it could be instant. We just don’t know. We do know that it is important to pray for those in purgatory because they cannot further their won cause. That is why we may obtain indulgences to help those in purgatory (a quick plug for Divine Mercy Sunday and the indulgence to be had this weekend.

There are only 2 PERMANENT destinations defined by the CHurch. Heaven and Hell. Purgatory is “de fide” and is certainly a “place” or “state” after death, but it is ONLY occupied by those who will see heaven. Never hell. Hell is for those who die outside of God’s friendship. God’s friendship is broken by us committing mortal sin.

Now bigger debates theologically can be had about another permanent place for those who do not fit the categories described above. This is “Limbo” While it is not a teaching of the Church it is a valid theological opinion to hold. One may still use limbo theologically.

In short
There are 2 placese one may permanently end up.
Those in heaven are called saints
Those in hell. Unsaved.
In purgatory you cannot further your own cause. Since you are judged by your actions and faith on earth. So in a way, all those who will be members of the Church for eternity die “saints” Some may just have to" red shirt" a year or two.

We. Are. All. Called. To. Be. Saints.

Go forth and SIN NO MORE. Not, go forth and try not to sin. or Just sin a little bit about sexual things, if you wish…

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Edited for length

I have a terrible problem that is hurting my marriage, my family life and my spiritual life. I feel like there are no good answers. I am extremely torn and feel like our family might just be at a point where the only thing we can do is leave the Church for a while.
That is never the “only” thing you can do. The narrow gate can seem impossible but God will get that camel through the needle…
What I am not interested in hearing is, “Stick to Church teaching and consider the misery your cross to bear!” Stick to Church teaching. nothing afterwards. I will not lie, I will not trivialize your struggle or the frustrations of this. I lived though NFP issues in my marriage as well I know many couples who struggle like you and I feel for them and pray for them. It is not taken lightly.

I had my fourth child last year. That is great! We have four and one is 16 months right now! She is still nursing and I am not cycling yet. Therefore, NFP is not a super reliable way for me to avoid pregnancy.True that. PP is a unreliable time for many people. My wife gets her cycles back like clockwork at 8 months. Others I know of are all over the map. I had hypertension and had to deliver the baby early via induction. Wow, my wife had almost the same issues She had deep vein Thrombosis( DVT) She had to have twice daily shots that I gave her in her abdomen. and we delivered via induction a week early.The condition damaged my heart and at some point I will probably need a Pacemaker to correct it. Yikes! I had to get full-time help to raise the other three children.No kidding!

We became pregnant right after we married and would really love to be a couple again, instead of two ships passing in the night just trying to get everything done for four tiny kids.With four kids, sorry, that won’t happen for a while… … In other words, we are tired and ready to have a bit more freedom and flexibility in our world.Your justification for NFP or reason to avoid does not even really factor into this. Medical reason is clearly enough.

So, with those two things in mind my husband would like to get a vasectomy.Nope no way. That is worse than your medical condition. If you get pregnant you may physically die. However your place in heaven for eternity is still in tact. IF He does that, his place could be more serious than just earthly death. It could be eternal death. He says he will do anything to protect me and our marriage.I am sympathetic for your husbands logic. He is seems not to want this for his own reasons but rather because as a man, as a protector, he is trying to protect you. Even if it is misplaced love and logic it is noble in a way but the kind of nobility Shakespeare highlights in his tragedies. He says there is fundamentally no difference between using NFP to avoid pregnancy and using a vasectomy - both are purported to have the same “failure” rate. Theologically, he could not be more wrong. … using modern medicine to achieve it. NFP is modern medicine. And yes, the fruit being offered by the vasectomy sounds sweet. interesting that you lumped it in with modern medicine. There could be a direct parallel here with the garden of Eden and the Tree of Knowledge. If I am to call myself a Catholic, I need to abide by the “rules” whether they are reasonable or not.Not if they are " reasonable" or not. But because they are God’s will. You may not reason them out but you are called to obey. It was not reasonable for Christ to die for you, it is not reasonable that He is Truly Present in the Body and Blood. But He is.

My husband says that everyone at Mass is using contraception…Everyone in the Church is indeed sinning. Well most are sinning. That is why we must go to confession. But that is not a reason to intentionally sin. CGuess what? A lot of those people in the pews are also adulterers. I’m sure he would not be so accepting of that! We are not necessarily closed off to more CHILDREN forever, in fact we would love to adopt, but I just can’t be pregnant anymore.Again, you need to be at peace with the medical reasoning to not have children any more. you need not justify it to anyone, especially me, or any random nosey "Gladys Cravitz in your Church or on these boards.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

cont.

… He is not your typical “dog” who just wants dirty sex constantly, but it IS very important to him to share that time with me.NFP is absolutely a safe and reliable way to go here. I recommend a VERY experienced teacher and/or the NaPro tech industry.

But. He doesn’t want to kill me. He feels it is his duty to protect me and our family from that.Yes, so much so he is willing to die eternally for it. His love and loyalty is well intentioned and you know what they say about that…
Your husband needs to have a HUGE relationship with Saint Joseph. I mean HUGE. I don’t know if a saint has touched your lives in devotions or not, but this is a necessity with him. you need to pray to Saint Joseph to help him. Immediately.
Saint Joseph protector of Christian Families, pray for us.

It’s funny, I always wanted 6 or 7 kids. But, then reality struck. I am not very good at being pregnant. However, a life without any sexual intimacy cannot be healthy and my husband says that although he will do anything for me, that total abstinence would be damaging to him and to our relationship. I don’t know what to do - my marriage is a sacred bond. My family is a sacred unit. My responsibilities to The Church are real.This was a powerful paragraph

At this point I almost wonder if we wouldn’t be happier elsewhere.Outside of this boat, outside of this sanctuary, you are worse off than any danger you presently feel. It is Jesus who ministers to you in the sacraments and in His One Holy Catholic Church. This is where you belong this is where you will be loved by Him, this is where you can be saved.

My husband says if I believe God would throw us in Hell for using contraception under these circumstances, then God is evil and most of the world is going to burn. I just don’t know.You husband is not thinking theologically or even logically with that statement. But he is conveying a love and emotion about his family that is in itself a good thing.

 

[marywarfield]

So do I!!!

The difference is that I think she should stay in a state of grace. And make a Holy decision. No matter the difficult aspect of it. Believe me I sympathize and I know it is reality that it is harder than “just do the right thing” Be we live in a faith where people died because they would not even utter words against their faith. We live in that faith today where people die, orphan children and lose their lives because of faith. But here, here we talk of sex. Sex of which could be sufficiently satisfied with NFP. As a former NFP instructor I counseled many people on how this is not only a great thing but how it was consistent with attaining heaven. This case would appear to be an NFP slam dunk.

I think the idea that the Bible presents that to eat and drink unworthily certainly applies to the idea of staying in the Church in a potential state of damnation and reamining outside.

technically it is your actions that decide if you have “left the Church” or not. And unrepentant mortal sin would certainly be leaving the Church of God, for eternity, don’t you think?

There is another alternative all are ignoring. One we
Catholics of well formed conscience USED to do
quite frequently. Anyone here old enough to remember
back when Sunday Mass a ton of people remained kneeling
and praying during Zcommunion and did not receive?

THAT is the proper position for people not able
temporarily to reconcile a church teaching.
NOT to leave the Church. That is terrible advice.

But to stick to Mass, attend, pray during the Eucharist
that God will provide the necessary grace to get
you through the difficulty.

There is NEVER a good reason to leave the Church.
But there is frequently good reason to attend but
not partake of Communion.

 

[Rau]

Avocadomom- if you are still with us, could you advise whether you are favouring adopting NFP, given that you’ve stated (in your original post) that:

1. Risk of failure of NFP is same as Vasectomy;
2. Husband is OK with sex being limited to infertile times;
3. NFP is the approach the Church sees as moral.

If doubts remain as to what course you should follow, could you elaborate, in light of the above.

Best Wishes.

PS: I add my voice to those who have pointed out that there is never a good reason to “leave the Church”.

 

[Vico]

…
PS. we have talked with our priest, and while he did offer NFP as a solution, even he said that if circumstances were this dire, that God understands there is sometimes a gray area and we have to go with our conscience.

It is difficult to become detached from sexual sensuality, however many have learned to do so and it is not impossible. Obviously it is not the only form of affection.

The obligation to provide for the propagation of the human race is cancelled with unusual risk of becoming pregnant, which also applies to the gift of proper conjugal relations. Condoms and unnatural family planning are not justified, and sterilization is always a grave error. There is no moral alternative to maintaining grace, since that trumps material benefits in every case, and is why martyrs are held in such high regard.

To “go with your conscience” applies only to a well formed conscience. The Catechism has:1783 Conscience must be informed and moral judgment enlightened. A well-formed conscience is upright and truthful. It formulates its judgments according to reason, in conformity with the true good willed by the wisdom of the Creator. The education of conscience is indispensable for human beings who are subjected to negative influences and tempted by sin to prefer their own judgment and to reject authoritative teachings.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

There is another alternative all are ignoring. One we
Catholics of well formed conscience USED to do
quite frequently. Anyone here old enough to remember
back when Sunday Mass a ton of people remained kneeling
and praying during Zcommunion and did not receive?

THAT is the proper position for people not able
temporarily to reconcile a church teaching.
NOT to leave the Church. That is terrible advice.

But to stick to Mass, attend, pray during the Eucharist
that God will provide the necessary grace to get
you through the difficulty.

There is NEVER a good reason to leave the Church.
But there is frequently good reason to attend but
not partake of Communion.

I see this commonly in Hispanic cultures still. Let’s follow it logically.
One says, "I should not partake in this lest I eat and drink judgement upon myself. "
I agree with this.
One prays a spiritual communion that " they be given the graces to come to grips with the Church and be given the knowledge.
I agree with this.
Extraordinary graces are given at Mass just by attending.
I agree with that.

Here is my problem with all of that though.
You run the risks of a couple things.

1. There is a precept of the Church that you MUST receive communion once a year. If you cannot reconcile this during the Easter Season do you think that they should fulfill this precept or not?
2. You are effectively saying 2 things. 1) I do not believe. 2) All I have to refrain from is the Eucharist.

Not only that but there is a direct parallel between the Eucharist and Heaven. IF you must be in a state of grace to have either then you must realize that if one is not fit to receive then one needs to rectify this situation ASAP. Your very soul depends on it.

Also, this is prevalent in the Hispanic community still and I often wonder "Are they denied access to confession? Or is there more of a “not worthy” attitude. Either way there are a HUGE amount of extraordinary graces not being dispensed. Graces that are needed.

Now, I would never suggest that someone “leave the Church” per se. But the idea that one does not believe, yet would sit there Sunday after Sunday following all the other rules is a little odd. And frankly in reality probably will lead to other errors.

Effectively, one places themselves outside of the Church in mortal sin anyway.

One we
Catholics of well formed conscience USED to do
quite frequently.

I had a problem with the way that was phrased. As if this was something that people fail at.

I see both views. You make some valid points about the attitude to discern and pray for the grace to accept the faith.
But I also see the futility of professing something you do not believe and how that could lead to other, perhaps even bigger sins.

Objectively there really is no reason anyone should have to refrain from communion if they are Catholic. Unless confession is just not available…

 

[Maine52]

Are there Creighton instructors in your area? If not, try to find one you can communicate with via Skype. For people with very, very serious reasons to avoid a pregnancy, such as yourself, they do a blood test each cycle which can confirm that ovulation has past and that you are infertile. I’d say it’s worth looking into.

I understand your pain. Prayers for you.

 

[SpidersfromMars]

Avocadomom- if you are still with us, could you advise whether you are favouring adopting NFP, given that you’ve stated (in your original post) that:

1. Risk of failure of NFP is same as Vasectomy;
2. Husband is OK with sex being limited to infertile times;
3. NFP is the approach the Church sees as moral.

If doubts remain as to what course you should follow, could you elaborate, in light of the above.

Best Wishes.

PS: I add my voice to those who have pointed out that there is never a good reason to “leave the Church”.

Yes, vasectomies (and even tubal ligations) aren’t 100% effective. The only totally effective sterilisation would be a hysterectomy and that would be quite traumatic (as well as against Catholic teaching).

There’s also the hope the medical technology will advance in the future so that any other pregnancies aren’t as risky. Medicine is advancing all the time

 

[OraLabora]

It is difficult to become detached from sexual sensuality, however many have learned to do so and it is not impossible.

Yes that’s true but we are all differently-abled, have different strengths and weaknesses, and are at different points on our faith walk. Monks will tell you that it isn’t easy, even for consecrated religious living in community. In some ways it’s like an athlete: the desired result requires effort and training. Just because some can do it, doesn’t mean it is easy for all to do it.

That is why I said that a pastoral approach is necessary with the help of one’s priest or spiritual director. It is beyond our pay grade to determine what the couple is capable or not capable of. The Truth may be black on white, but the human reality is much messier than that due to our fallen nature.

As my confessor once said, God rewards effort but recognizes that the result will not always be perfect. But the point is we should try our best to take ourselves up to the next level on the walk to sainthood, even if it’s only in baby steps.

 

[Vico]

Yes that’s true but we are all differently-abled, have different strengths and weaknesses, and are at different points on our faith walk. Monks will tell you that it isn’t easy, even for consecrated religious living in community. In some ways it’s like an athlete: the desired result requires effort and training. Just because some can do it, doesn’t mean it is easy for all to do it.

That is why I said that a pastoral approach is necessary with the help of one’s priest or spiritual director. It is beyond our pay grade to determine what the couple is capable or not capable of. The Truth may be black on white, but the human reality is much messier than that due to our fallen nature.

As my confessor once said, God rewards effort but recognizes that the result will not always be perfect. But the point is we should try our best to take ourselves up to the next level on the walk to sainthood, even if it’s only in baby steps.

Certainly we fail because we are not always willing to be good. However, we are capable of it with the help of the Holy Spirit. It is a dogma that God gives all the just sufficent grace (gratia proxime vel remote sufficiens) for the observation of the Divine Commandments.

 

[DAML72]

I guess posts that begin like this leave me unsure what the poster wants to hear. There are really only two options here: Follow church teaching, or don’t. I don’t mean to be unkind, it’s not a lack of compassion, it’s simply that either you do or you don’t.

Leaving the church doesn’t change God’s will or God’s teaching in any way. I personally think that ‘God understands there are gray areas’ and ‘go with your conscience’ has led us to where we are today, everybody believing God will understand their reason for leaving Church teaching on whatever given subject.

Believe me, I do understand your fear. My mother has a history of severe post partum hemorrhage. I had the same thing after my first child. I had twins via C-section. I have had the same concerns about health. I do understand being worn out from caring for four young children.

But you’ve said upfront you don’t want to hear “Follow Church teaching,” and that leaves people the option of saying, “Don’t follow Church teaching,” or not answering.

My prayers are with you.

^^^This^^^ There is no way for people to answer this.

 

[Avocadomom]

Thank you for your replies. Sorry I have not been back sooner - as I am sure you know life is super busy with four little kids. I appreciate everyone who took the time to give advice or support.

You are right, this is too complex for online. I just don’t have anyone to talk to about it! My friends say I am crazy for not just doing what I think is best. Even my Catholic friends think the Church’s rule on contraception in cases of health issues is ridiculous, as does my spouse, and apparently so does our priest.

I’m just tired of arguing and debating.

I guess the reason I titled this post “should we leave” is because instead of The Church making us feel hopeful, inspired and at peace, this disagreement is causing us pain, heartache and leaving a bad taste in our mouths. I have never been the type to just take the easy way out, but sometimes you have to acknowledge when a system isn’t working. I love so much about our faith, but this topic hits painfully close to home for me and I definitely feel that the “black and white” perspective is damaging my family. It’s so easy for people who are past their childbearing years, single, or who have easy pregnancies to say “you have no choice.” It’s much different when your life is at stake.

I know that some will say if we only obeyed the teaching then we would be happier and have more peace. Believe me, I have really thought about that and prayed about it. A ton. We could use a conservative form of NFP after my baby weans (I am not interested in weaning prematurely), but to be honest I am so fertile, I know both my husband and I would panic every month. He has said that it would ruin sex for him to know that we were doing things in a way that was “open to life” when in fact we are not open to getting pregnant. Obviously if I did get pregnant we would never abort, but it really might destroy our family.

His solution is to get a vasectomy, be tested every 6 months, and use condoms on top of that. I don’t know. If that sends people to hell, then most people in the developed world are headed south. That seems ridiculous. I hope God knows my heart, my intentions, my prayers, my family and has mercy on us.

 

[patsa]

We are off topic and arguing semantics but just to clarify and then we can move on.

The word “directly” is problematic. A saint, quite simply, is anyone, human or angel, residing in heaven. A Canonized Saint is someone the Church has revealed through the Holy Spirit (God) to be in Heaven. One WILL become a saint after purgatory. In fact ALL who die and go to purgatory will reach heaven. Will become saints. Those who die in mortal sin will go to hell. Most saints are probably not canonized. (hopefully)

here is where our semantics come into play.

I said that there are 2 destinations heaven and hell. You said “no, purgatory also.” And that those in purgatory are not saints. While this is technically true we must also look at the ideas of the Church about this. Purgatory is not “limbo” it is not permanent. Indeed all who are in it will see heaven. It is also Catholic teaching that no one in purgatory can help their own cause. You are judged to your dying breath. After that, the verdict is in. The purification may take some time, but “eternity” will be yours in heaven. We do not know the length of purgatory. It could be years, it could be millennia, it could be hours, it could be instant. We just don’t know. We do know that it is important to pray for those in purgatory because they cannot further their won cause. That is why we may obtain indulgences to help those in purgatory (a quick plug for Divine Mercy Sunday and the indulgence to be had this weekend.

There are only 2 PERMANENT destinations defined by the CHurch. Heaven and Hell. Purgatory is “de fide” and is certainly a “place” or “state” after death, but it is ONLY occupied by those who will see heaven. Never hell. Hell is for those who die outside of God’s friendship. God’s friendship is broken by us committing mortal sin.

Now bigger debates theologically can be had about another permanent place for those who do not fit the categories described above. This is “Limbo” While it is not a teaching of the Church it is a valid theological opinion to hold. One may still use limbo theologically.

In short
There are 2 placese one may permanently end up.
Those in heaven are called saints
Those in hell. Unsaved.
In purgatory you cannot further your own cause. Since you are judged by your actions and faith on earth. So in a way, all those who will be members of the Church for eternity die “saints” Some may just have to" red shirt" a year or two.

We. Are. All. Called. To. Be. Saints.

Go forth and SIN NO MORE. Not, go forth and try not to sin. or Just sin a little bit about sexual things, if you wish…

Good. So looks like you are in agreement that I was not “completely wrong” at all, as you claimed. And your assertion that someone is either a saint when they die, or in Hell, is misleading at best.

 

[patsa]

Thank you for your replies. Sorry I have not been back sooner - as I am sure you know life is super busy with four little kids. I appreciate everyone who took the time to give advice or support.

You are right, this is too complex for online. I just don’t have anyone to talk to about it! My friends say I am crazy for not just doing what I think is best. Even my Catholic friends think the Church’s rule on contraception in cases of health issues is ridiculous, as does my spouse, and apparently so does our priest.

I’m just tired of arguing and debating.

I guess the reason I titled this post “should we leave” is because instead of The Church making us feel hopeful, inspired and at peace, this disagreement is causing us pain, heartache and leaving a bad taste in our mouths. I have never been the type to just take the easy way out, but sometimes you have to acknowledge when a system isn’t working. I love so much about our faith, but this topic hits painfully close to home for me and I definitely feel that the “black and white” perspective is damaging my family. It’s so easy for people who are past their childbearing years, single, or who have easy pregnancies to say “you have no choice.” It’s much different when your life is at stake.

I know that some will say if we only obeyed the teaching then we would be happier and have more peace. Believe me, I have really thought about that and prayed about it. A ton. We could use a conservative form of NFP after my baby weans (I am not interested in weaning prematurely), but to be honest I am so fertile, I know both my husband and I would panic every month. He has said that it would ruin sex for him to know that we were doing things in a way that was “open to life” when in fact we are not open to getting pregnant. Obviously if I did get pregnant we would never abort, but it really might destroy our family.

His solution is to get a vasectomy, be tested every 6 months, and use condoms on top of that. I don’t know. If that sends people to hell, then most people in the developed world are headed south. That seems ridiculous. I hope God knows my heart, my intentions, my prayers, my family and has mercy on us.

Someone brought up a good point. For grave matter to be a mortal sin, free consent of the will is needed. I would argue that given the extreme circumstances you are in, free consent of the will is absent. You said so yourself, you feel as though there is no other way out. It’s a life and death situation which you feel is too serious to gamble with NFP, and it is a situation that would put a huge strain on your marriage and your family if total abstinence was practiced. Free consent of the will? Doesn’t sound like it to me.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Good. So looks like you are in agreement that I was not “completely wrong” at all, as you claimed. And your assertion that someone is either a saint when they die, or in Hell, is misleading at best.

You are going to have fun on CAF if that is what you took away from that…

I consider the issue closed. If you wish to fight about the word “completely” then I don’t really know what to say?

It is frustrating when I make the effort to delve into an off topic issue and then that is your “one liner” response.

Next time. A simple thank you would suffice.

Honestly I took a lot of time to go through the issue and explain it in a Catholic view. If you are going to have this type of response then I guess in the future I will not put forth the effort.

Either way, I found the research reassuring and beneficial to myself. I hope you did as well.

 

[patsa]

You are going to have fun on CAF if that is what you took away from that…

I consider the issue closed. If you wish to fight about the word “completely” then I don’t really know what to say?

It is frustrating when I make the effort to delve into an off topic issue and then that is your “one liner” response.

Next time. A simple thank you would suffice.

Honestly I took a lot of time to go through the issue and explain it in a Catholic view. If you are going to have this type of response then I guess in the future I will not put forth the effort.

Either way, I found the research reassuring and beneficial to myself. I hope you did as well.

What’s frustrating is when you misrepresent what I say by saying it’s completely wrong when it clearly wasn’t.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Thank you for your replies. Sorry I have not been back sooner - as I am sure you know life is super busy with four little kids. I appreciate everyone who took the time to give advice or support.

You are right, this is too complex for online. I just don’t have anyone to talk to about it! My friends say I am crazy for not just doing what I think is best. Even my Catholic friends think the Church’s rule on contraception in cases of health issues is ridiculous, as does my spouse, and apparently so does our priest.

I’m just tired of arguing and debating.

I guess the reason I titled this post “should we leave” is because instead of The Church making us feel hopeful, inspired and at peace, this disagreement is causing us pain, heartache and leaving a bad taste in our mouths. I have never been the type to just take the easy way out, but sometimes you have to acknowledge when a system isn’t working. I love so much about our faith, but this topic hits painfully close to home for me and I definitely feel that the “black and white” perspective is damaging my family. It’s so easy for people who are past their childbearing years, single, or who have easy pregnancies to say “you have no choice.” It’s much different when your life is at stake.

I know that some will say if we only obeyed the teaching then we would be happier and have more peace. Believe me, I have really thought about that and prayed about it. A ton. We could use a conservative form of NFP after my baby weans (I am not interested in weaning prematurely), but to be honest I am so fertile, I know both my husband and I would panic every month. He has said that it would ruin sex for him to know that we were doing things in a way that was “open to life” when in fact we are not open to getting pregnant. Obviously if I did get pregnant we would never abort, but it really might destroy our family.

His solution is to get a vasectomy, be tested every 6 months, and use condoms on top of that. I don’t know. If that sends people to hell, then most people in the developed world are headed south. That seems ridiculous. I hope God knows my heart, my intentions, my prayers, my family and has mercy on us.

I hear the conflict within from your posts. My heart really does go out to you. A crisis of faith is never a light or easy thing.

I urge you to re orient your view. You are pointing out (from your perspective that the Church is rigid, ridiculous, and causing pain instead of healing. But it is not the “Church” doing these things. It is not “rules” doing these things. It is not God doing these things. It is the fallen nature of man. The fear you feel is not directed at the right entity.

Salvation is through the Church. This is clear and absolute. For you to fear, blame, or wish to change the very means of God’s Mercy and Justice and Guidance is to have your spiritual priorities out of order.
I am not going to tell you that you are going to be happy. I am not going to tell you that you are never going to be forgiven, or that the Church will change.

I will tell you 2 things.

1. Your husband’s name is not the Christ. He is not to sacrifice his very life and soul for YOUR salvation. He cannot do that. He cannot “fall upon his sword” in a noble effort to “protect your life and your family against God.” And honestly that is what he is attempting to do. While I appreciate and even admire his strong love for you and for his family. He may not break the very first and most important command to do it. And you should not let him.
2. Today is Divine Mercy Sunday. And the canonization of the man who not only instituted this day but also can be known as the Pope of the family.

It is no accident that we are typing this on this day. Pray, pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet. Pray it with your husband. Pray, make SAINT JPII your personal guide in this matter. Read him, be open to him.