Should you force someone to go to counseling?

  • Thread starter Thread starter stinkcat_14
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Another thing to point out: you should NOT bring children into this relationship until these issues are fully resolved, including completion of professional counseling as a couple on top of your individual counseling and her full participation in individual counseling for herself if that is recommended in joint.
 
To stinkcat_14:
When was the last time your wife had a complete physical? She may be suffering from a very simple hormonal imbalance which could be regulated with medication. If she is clinically depressed there is an abundance of meds available to balance her out; if she is bipolar a doctor can medically alter her brain chemistry so she is more than functional - she could live a very happy and rewarding life.

Her “Whatever” response to your suggestion that she go to counseling was NOT a “No!” She sounds ambivalent. In the meantime, go yourself. Nothing will inspire her more than to see you regain your emotional health, although at first her reaction to your new wellness might manifest itself as anger, envy, false indifference. Just keep going. You will be enriched.

Beware: you may outgrow the relationship if she drags her heels. Just be prepared for change, which is not easy but which is the essence of life.

I know these things because I am a life-long depressive who is happy, joyous and free, functioning, learning, risking. Changing is hard. Not changing is harder.

Best,

marietta
 
FLCathMom said:
Signs of emotional abuse:

eqi.org/eabuse1.htm#Types%20of%20Emotional%20Abuse
Click to expand...
Did anyone read the link given earlier? I read it thinking it might help with my sisters life, but I have to say this website is a little half baked. Here is an example for emotional abuse from the website if you click on What is Emotional Abuse?

16 year old David goes into his room and locks the door behind him. He locks the door because his mother and father have been walking in on him and his girlfriend without knocking. The father tries to come in and finds the door is locked. He is furious. He bangs on the door. David opens it. His father accuses him of locking the door so he can have sex. As punishment, he takes the door off the hinges and removes it completely. He says, “This is my house and I won’t have anyone locking the doors on me!”
Later that month, with the door to his bedroom still removed, David and his girlfriend are up late watching TV. His parents go to bed. David and his girlfriend wait till they think it is safe and then sneak downstairs to the basement, take off all their clothes and start making love. Suddenly the father comes in and turns on the lights.

Again, David needed privacy and his father denied it, while even worse, he humiliated and shamed him.
Click to expand...

After reading this I decided to see what this guy thinks about other things… I found his theories on children and teens especially astonishng. Apparantly "Children are born empathetic, approval seeking, forgiving and cooperative. "
I have to say,as much as I would like to think this is true, my experience as a mother has taught me that children are definetly not born empathetic, forgiving or cooperative. Children can be sweet and loving, but children are not born social creatures, they have to be taught to think of other people. Don’t believe me? Spend a little time at a playground with unattentive parents. You can see for yourself the screaming biting and throwing. Anyhow, I will get off my soapbox. I just was a little unnerved with this guy and I would seek another more reliable source to get information.
 
I just wanted to update everyone. I had my first visit with the counselor last week. It was very good and nice to be able to talk about the issues with someone. The counselor thought that my wife should come in for the next session. Of course, my wife steadfastly refuses. In fact, she is mad at me for going to a counselor to “complain about her” when she claims that I should be working on my own issues.

Anyway, it is good that I went, I am going to hold off making the second appointment for a bit, to see if she changes her mind. But if she doesn’t make any overtures soon to start to take responsibility for her life, I am going to have to consider separating for a bit. I think that might be the only way to get through to her that living with her is becoming intolerable.
 
Congratulations for taking that first step and going to the initial appointment. I would like to encourage you to not hold off on making that second appointment. The sooner your second appointment is to your first, the better able you will be able to build on the little bit of progress that you made from the first.

Your wife is upset that you are going to counseling…yet she says you have issues that you need to work on. Sounds like she really is against you making progress, and deep down that is because she doesn’t want anything to change. She doesn’t want to have to address her own shortcomings, and you going to counseling is definitely going to challenge the status quo in your house. I would urge you to make that second appointment soon, before you fall back into that familiar rut of same old, same old. I think you will like the changes that you will see when you start making some progress at getting out of that rut.
 
I have some hopeful news to report. Tonight my wife came home from work and said she wants to see a doctor about going on medication. I have found her a list of doctors, so hopefully she won’t back out, but at least it is promissing.

Thanks for all your prayers.
 
Well, we are at it once again. My wife never did make the call to schedule the Psychiatrist appointment. I asked her if she ever intended to make the appointment, and she declared herself cured of all her issues, and that I was the source of all of the misery in her life. I raised the issue of her moving out, and she is trying to defer it, saying that things will get better in the spring. I told her that if I am the source of all her unhappiness, then removing me from the situation should determine whether or not she is right. She then started hinting that she might see the psychiatrist. When she left for work, it was unclear what path she was going to take, but if she refuses to get help, I am going to push hard to get her to move, or I will just up and move.

It is the emotional abuse that is getting to me. She insults me, insults my faith, never says a kind word to me. Her past includes various kinds of abuse and neglect and she is pushing very hard to avoid dealing with those issues. I think I have been an enabler for her behavior for too long a time.

I thank everyone for their prayers, even though the storm is tough right now, I do think there is hope, although it clearly is an uphill battle.

Sorry for the long rant, this morning was a tough one.
 
stinkcat_14 said:
Sorry for the long rant, this morning was a tough one.
Click to expand...
Having BTDT, it is important to have a place to come and rant where you will get diverse but reasoned guidance.

I am very glad to see that you have a mental “line” that is starting to firm up about how much you are going to tolerate and for how long without her starting to cooperate in trying to improve the situation. She’s probably not going to like that, but tough for her, as she’ can’t argue with the reasonableness of you insisting on involving professional help.

I was supposedly the source of my ex’s trouble too, but based on how her overall situation as continued to spiral it is obvious that was just a way to try to run from dealing with her own issues. Hang in there, one way or another you are going to at least get back to firm ground yourself, the question now is whether your wife is ready to haul into shore herself or keep drifting in the storm…
 
Hi, stinkcat_14,
Things will not get better in the spring, or after the mortgage is paid off, or once the children are emancipated or after your wife gets her hair cut.

Procrastination has a ripple effect. If she doesn’t want to take her own inventory, assess the trouble spots in her past and present, and come to understand how these difficult issues will impact her future, so be it. “For better or for worse” does not in any way give her license to squander your days which could be productive, happy and balanced. If her choice is to throw away her own days, it likely saddens her Creator; but you surely don’t have to applaud from the sidelines or put everything on hold for that dangling carrot called “reconciliation”.

If anyone’s counting, spring arrives in 16 days. Maybe you could help her pack.

marietta
 
I had to separate from my husband for depression/anxiety and alcohol abuse. I did give him the “ultimatum” but he did just enough to get by, and never put forth as much effort as he needs to. He is on meds, and he takes them as he should, but he will NOT go to counseling anymore for his behavior. It was effecting me and my kids in a negative way so I had to get us out of the situation. I tried for many years to stand by him and take care of him, but unfortunatly you can’t help someone who doesn’t want it…bottom line. All I can do at this point is pray that he will get better for his kids at least
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top