Should you MAKE your kids go to Mass? SORRY LONG!

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I am what I call a TRUE Roman Catholic. What I mean by that is I believe in all the Church’s teachings even though I may or may not understand them. I don’t go around and pick and choose what I will and will not believe in these core teachings (cafeteria Catholic). If there is something I don’t understand or question, I pray and talk to my TRUE Roman Catholic parents/in laws, the religious that I trust and/or good friends. However something as parenting is not really a Church teaching. (THINKS) the Church teaches that, with God’s guidance, they leave parenting up to the parents.

So… with this “freedom” I am not what you call your average parent. I unschool my 6, 3 and 1 year old and will do it all through school (unless they want to go to public/private school with good reason) and in parenting.
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                                              (((((((Unschooling is a form of homeschool/parenting where you allow your children to decide what they want to learn, when to learn, how long to stay on the subject, BUT I have set ideas of what I want them to know by the time they are 18 and help them stay focus and organized. Not just in school, but where I hope they will be in their faith too. I do this by: installing the love of learning and God in them, hold family meetings where my husband and I build cooperation in our kids, pray/ask for help and role model (for School: read, take college/online classes, etc.. Religion: go to church, say the rosary daily, go to adoration, etc...). As a unschooler, your job is to get your kids interested in whatever you think they would like, not know yet and I feel need to know, or have a gift for ......if they need motivation that is. Most unschoolers don't, but that's a different post lol.))))))
So, here is my dilemma. Once they have the ability to TRULY understand right from wrong–mostly around age 7 when they receive their first reconciliation— then the only ‘discipline’ implemented from then on is natural consequences. Instead of punishing / rewarding or MAKING my kids do something, we use techniques that get them to think about the consequences of their actions, so they will/won’t want to do it. And if they don’t/do end up doing it, then they learn by those natural consequences, and afterwards we talk about what they learned. (Like allowing them to go outside without a coat, even though there was a friendly suggestion, to figure out they need one and to come back.)

We believe every choice your child makes is a positive or a negative consequence that will impact their lives (and even others) forever. It may not seem that way, but even the smallest thing as sitting with the family to eat breakfast or sitting alone on the stairs while they eat that morning, will be a decision to better or worse themselves. (Example The Butterfly Effect… the movie not really the theory).

And one parenting expert said “Many teens reach their adult years having no clue on how to make decisions. They “know better”, but still make bad choices. The reason is many of those foolish choices are the REAL first choices they had ever made!”

I think about how a lot of Catholics were MADE to go to Church, and once they are young adults, they rebel and stop going. I can’t help but think if they only could have rebelled at 7…11…16 or whatever, they would’ve had the guidance to be ‘talked through it’ and something adults don’t really have and children do, more time.

With that said, THANK GOD so far my kids want to do all these religious things. They think it’s fun and say they can feel the Holy Spirit work within them. However, what do we do once it’s no longer fun to them, or they don’t want to go to Church? Either because of desolation, or it is that realization that even the Roman Catholic Church is not perfect because it is run by humans. I understand that Mass and basically everything in life is NOT always fun and we STILL need to do it. How can I teach this to them with continuing to allow them to make the ultimate decision? Because my gut does not want to MAKE them participate in their faith but mold them into WANTING to procrastinate , even if it isn’t fun.
 
This is a serious sin on a child’s soul if he/she misses after the age of reason.
I think that this says it all. It is not negotiable just as schooling is non negotiable, as is eating, and hygiene, sleeping, and so on.

I know what parents go thru for I was once one myself. But they don’t have a choice. It is time for them to be in their Father’s house as was Jesus when he was a boy. They should learn to pay attention by the parent sharing the liturgy hymnal with the son/daughter and singing/praying with them. Show them the book and help them to use it so they can participate and follow along. Then expect them to do that.
 
Initially, I was just going to say ‘yes’, but thinking about those fun years when the mind of the kid starts running in a different direction.

I would change that to -

yes, with the intention of creating a good habit, and intention of necessity since we know parents have the ability to know what is best for the child.

What better thing is there to do on this world than attend Mass?

Thus if you are living under my roof, you’ll be coming to Mass.
 
Being a parent in today’s times is really an exceptional challenge. I don’t know how people do it.

I’ll say a prayer for you and your family.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.
:angel1:
 
I am a DRE, so I see both types of children all the time.
There are the ones who hate to come to church, and don’t think church is “fun.”
These are children of families who come to church, sit in the pew, do not volunteer, do not necessarily go to Communion, do not come to Penance services, Parish Missions, parish picnics, nothing. They fulfill their obligation by merely showing up. Their children learn that it’s something someone said they have to do, and therefore resent it.

Then there are the families that greet everyone with joy, because they know everyone. Their mothers make dishes for the bereaved, their fathers usher, their sisters help in the Sunday school classroom, their brothers help carry the trash to the dumpster after church events. They are participating, they are praying together and they feel as a part of the Body of Christ. They love church because they love Jesus. They are not afraid of the priest, they do not dread classes because they see that they learn the “why” and the “how” of our Catholic faith.

Having said that, every parent who has said YES to the Baptismal promises have an obligation to raise their child in the faith, which includes Sunday participation in the Holy Mass. It’s not their choice. It’s your obligation as a parent.

God bless your efforts to do the best for your children. Keep them in Church. If done with a humble & servant heart, you all will be greatly blessed.
My prayers go with you.
 
Yes, I think that you should.
When you baptized your kids, you took upon yourself the responsibility of raising them as Catholics. If you relax your rules and if they chose not to attend Mass, you are sinning.

Instead of worrying about rebellion, try to make church fun for your kids. They are very young; make their first memories of church pleasant. I am glad that they like it so far. When I was three, my mother would take me to attend Eucharistic Adoration with her. Like any energetic three-year-old, I was not particularly thrilled to sit still for any long period of time. When I started fidgeting, Mom would take me in her arms, hold me close, and point to the monstrance and explain that it was really Jesus there and that He was looking at me (another thing; don’t assume that some concepts are over three-year-olds’ heads. Just tell them the truth, albeit simplified, and it will click eventually as they grow older. It did for me, at least). My favorite part was that sometimes, when the church was empty except for us during Adoration, Mom and I would wander around the building hand-in-hand and she would explain the scenes depicted on the walls and glass windows to me and tell me the Bible stories behind them. I am convinced that these trips to church helped me understand WHY we were praying and attending Mass every Sunday, and helped me build a strong foundation for my faith. Plus, going to church on Sunday was such an integral part of our routine that I never even considered not going; my parents, by their example, made it clear that it was non-negotiable. I cannot remember anytime when my parents missed Mass.
I’ve survived my teens, live on my own now, and haven’t rebelled yet!
 
OP,
you have too long of a post. I will make mine short. We have a 19, 16 and 11 and they go to Church with us. The rule of the house is, they have to go to Mass with us as long as they are living under our roof and we are supporting them. This isn’t a choice. I think you are too involved with this free choice thinking. Yes, one should always “want” to go to Mass but it is also a discipline and as a discipline, you go whether one feels like it, has the energy or even the time.
 
I completely agree. After all, even the saints had periods of time when they felt abandoned by God and were tempted to stop praying. Can you imagine what would have happened if they had been used to stopping stuff when they did not feel like it? Kids need to learn early on that Mass is not something you do only when you feel like it.
 
pianistclare said:
There are the ones who hate to come to church, and don’t think church is “fun.”
These are children of families who come to church, sit in the pew, do not volunteer, do not necessarily go to Communion, do not come to Penance services, Parish Missions, parish picnics, nothing. They fulfill their obligation by merely showing up. Their children learn that it’s something someone said they have to do, and therefore resent it.
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Excellent point!
 
robwar said:
OP,
you have too long of a post. I will make mine short. We have a 19, 16 and 11 and they go to Church with us. The rule of the house is, they have to go to Mass with us as long as they are living under our roof and we are supporting them. This isn’t a choice. I think you are too involved with this free choice thinking. Yes, one should always “want” to go to Mass but it is also a discipline and as a discipline, you go whether one feels like it, has the energy or even the time.
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👍👍👍👍
I agree 2,000 ! But then, I grew up in a German/Polish family with strict Immigrant parents, who were real parents! If, at any time, I refused to go to Mass, I probably would have been sold to the Gypsies(lol).
We had discipline in our house to the extent that rebellion of any kind or such a refusal to go to church was absolutely unthinkable! I didn’t do too badly as a result, in that I ended up commanding a ship in the US Navy, earned two Masters Degrees, and was successful in business.
I had 3 sons and their mother and I gave them the same sort of discipline we had when we were kids. One son , a Marine, passed away, but the other two are alive; one is a College Professor, and the other is a Graduate Civil Engineer.
The point being that you have to instill a sense of self discipline in your children. You would also be well advised to send your children to parochial school. If you can’t afford it, why not have a talk with the Pastor of the school’s Parish? Often, financial considerations can be made by him for families with several children.
 
robwar said:
OP,
you have too long of a post. I will make mine short. We have a 19, 16 and 11 and they go to Church with us. The rule of the house is, they have to go to Mass with us as long as they are living under our roof and we are supporting them. This isn’t a choice. I think you are too involved with this free choice thinking. Yes, one should always “want” to go to Mass but it is also a discipline and as a discipline, you go whether one feels like it, has the energy or even the time.
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The reason for such a long post is to hopefully get you, and others, to understand why I feel it is important to not be so forcefully in the way you approach things. Also I am so curious on why you looked into my post when I said in the title “SORRY LONG!” if this length is such a bother to you?

Anyways… Applying this parent philosophy was a worry of mine when it came to the obligations of the Catholic Church. This is why I posted this here. I want to do my vocation as a parent and didn’t know how I can do so without be a nagger which to children is such a turn off. And especially in religion, I don’t want them to be annoyed in something so beautiful and in most ways perfect. I felt there must be a way to still have them do whats right AND have the desire to want it when they feel like it or not. But somehow you missed that. Maybe I need to work on my written communication skills, however, something is telling me you just probably didn’t read it.
 
MyVavies,
In a perfect world unaffected by Original Sin, we would always delight in doing what we ought to do… unfortunately, Adam and Eve disobeyed God and now we all suffer the consequences.

My children did not rebel against going to Mass, but they knew it was Not An Option. They knew I would not regulate their reception of the sacraments, nust their attendance at Mass.

Sadly, one of mine has left the Church. Bit she goes with us to Mass when she visits and discreetly does not receive.

There will be times when your children need to do things they do not want to do, in order to get to a place they want to be. So sometimes they be be less than thrilled to attend Mass. *But that’s ok. *Don’t expect them only to do what is fun or interesting, and don’t expect them always to be happy about doing everything. People have to pay bills, people have to do laundry, people have to wash dishes—why? so they can continue to do the good stuff. like play with computers and be warm in the winter, wear nice clear clothes instead of smelly socks, to eat without getting sick from germs on dirty dishes.

This is the main reason that parents require children to do certain things, even without waiting for the child to have sufficient self-motivation to do it, because children need to have parents help them over those humps so they will be able to experience the good end.

St Thomas Aquinas said: The roots of study are bitter, but fruits of study are sweet.
 
I’m not a parent, but I believe that you should make your children go to church. Being Catholic does take discipline and persistence.

I grew up in the 70’s and received no formal catechesis, despite eight years of Catholic school, and no I’m not exaggerating. I was made to go to mass by my parents, and I liked going to church, but I lacked the tools and knowledge to more fully appreciate our faith. I drifted away at the age of 18.

I know you’re probably already doing this but, my suggestion would be to teach them about the Church as much as you can; relentless catechesis. This is one instance where I would make the choice for them. Set aside time each day or whatever you think is best, to discuss, explore, and teach them about the Church.

Another thing would be to take them on little trips to shrines nearby, or to see a Cathedral, visit a monastery, a convent, etc.
 
I grew up in a Protestant family, converted at age 9 (my choice) and my Mother, who did not go to ANY church, made an agreement with the Bishop (who was also the Pastor of the Cathedral connected with my Parochial School - right across the street) that she would make sure I followed my new faith. He gave her a book on the rules of the Church, and EVERY Sunday, she got me to Mass. No choice, unless I was actually ill. She also fixed fish every Friday, and I ate meatless meals every day of Lent, except on Sundays. She might fix meat for the whole family, I got macaroni and cheese or fish and vegs, while the others ate whatever. I knew this was not optional. From this grew a great love for the faith! I did drift away somewhat at a secular college, but came back to regular Mass each week after I was on my own after college. To me, Mass was the most special time of the week. It was MY day, since I went to Mass without my Mom. I loved it. But, she also didn’t make me miss Mass either, even though she wasn’t religious (and never was until she died in her 80’s). But, she later, when getting old and infirm, would ask me to pray for her or say a Rosary, since she didn’t pray at all. But she asked me to pray for her, and I did. I still do. I hope her rebellion against religion and God (which began when she was 16) was understood by God. I think she must have believed in God, just didn’t feel she was able (or perhaps felt unworthy) to talk to Him. I hope she turned to him after her stroke, since she lived 2 days after the stroke, and was conscious, just unable to communicate at all. That discipline probably saved my faith, or I would have drifted away by the time I was 14, and might not have returned at all! Making Mass a non-optional requirement was great for me. It wasn’t even discussed. She just had me get dressed, get my Missal and Rosary, drove me to Church, then picked me up after Mass. And she did this for quite a few years, until we lived in a city and I could take a bus to Mass each Sunday in my teens. It still was non-optional, but by then it was not only a habit, I felt special because I could go and receive Jesus, and I knew by then that not everyone did or could. Make it non-optional. I agree that a Parochial School would be a good option for your kids too!!! I loved it!!
 
yes…
– then the only ‘discipline’ implemented from then on is natural consequences. Instead of punishing / rewarding or MAKING my kids do something, we use techniques that get them to think about the consequences of their actions, so they will/won’t want to do it. And if they don’t/do end up doing it, then they learn by those natural consequences, and afterwards we talk about what they learned. (Like allowing them to go outside without a coat, even though there was a friendly suggestion, to figure out they need one and to come back.)

I assume that there are exceptions to this line of discipline. For instance, if your child was playing with fire or a gun, I assume you would not simply suggest that they not do that and then let them discover for themselves the tragic outcome. So apply the same safeguards to their eternal lives that you would to their mortal lives. There are consequences to leading a Godless life, and some of those cannot be truly perceived until after death, when it is too late to learn by natural consequences.
 
judynurse said:
I grew up in a Protestant family, converted at age 9 (my choice) and my Mother, who did not go to ANY church, made an agreement with the Bishop (who was also the Pastor of the Cathedral connected with my Parochial School - right across the street) that she would make sure I followed my new faith. He gave her a book on the rules of the Church, and EVERY Sunday, she got me to Mass. No choice, unless I was actually ill. She also fixed fish every Friday, and I ate meatless meals every day of Lent, except on Sundays. She might fix meat for the whole family, I got macaroni and cheese or fish and vegs, while the others ate whatever. I knew this was not optional. From this grew a great love for the faith! I did drift away somewhat at a secular college, but came back to regular Mass each week after I was on my own after college. To me, Mass was the most special time of the week. It was MY day, since I went to Mass without my Mom. I loved it. But, she also didn’t make me miss Mass either, even though she wasn’t religious (and never was until she died in her 80’s). But, she later, when getting old and infirm, would ask me to pray for her or say a Rosary, since she didn’t pray at all. But she asked me to pray for her, and I did. I still do. I hope her rebellion against religion and God (which began when she was 16) was understood by God. I think she must have believed in God, just didn’t feel she was able (or perhaps felt unworthy) to talk to Him. I hope she turned to him after her stroke, since she lived 2 days after the stroke, and was conscious, just unable to communicate at all. That discipline probably saved my faith, or I would have drifted away by the time I was 14, and might not have returned at all! Making Mass a non-optional requirement was great for me. It wasn’t even discussed. She just had me get dressed, get my Missal and Rosary, drove me to Church, then picked me up after Mass. And she did this for quite a few years, until we lived in a city and I could take a bus to Mass each Sunday in my teens. It still was non-optional, but by then it was not only a habit, I felt special because I could go and receive Jesus, and I knew by then that not everyone did or could. Make it non-optional. I agree that a Parochial School would be a good option for your kids too!!! I loved it!!
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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! You made such a absolutely beautiful point with your story… until you said, basically, I should take my kids to Parochial School… 😦

Man… I was so touched. Why did you have to say something that really had nothing to do with ‘if I will or will not make my kids go to Mass and religious things’? In a way, it’s kind of a turn off now. It’s like if you sang a gorgeous song and cough right near the end. Oh well… I will try not to let this insult ruin the big picture…

((Oh… and if my kids want to go to a Parochial school, I WOULD let them… at any age. It’s just right now, they are happy the way I teach them at home. Don’t worry; they are very smart and social!))) 😉
 
I say no, because very little but habit can be learned early in life, Young children are not capable of grasping the most important concepts they are being asked to believe.I have seen it all my life, people attending Mass every weekend who cannot wait to get out at the end.
Being in a small area I knew most of the people and knew their background. It was mandatory for me and as soon as I left my parent’s home, I did not attend again until age 35, when I gave it all another try.
 
You children are very, very young. You will find that methods and means of helping them will develop and change over time. That said, there is no reason to anticipate that they will rebel or will decide intractably not to go to Mass. Make sure you are firm in your faith, make Mass and every aspect of our faith a pleasing positive thing for them.

Unschooling doesn’t necessarily mean that everyone gets up and does whatever they want whenever they want. I know a few unschooling families and have been on homeschooling forums with many more. They manage to have regular routines including family meals, church, even chores and lesson times. There are many things you can do as an unschooling / homeschooling family to help your children develop a strong and lasting faith. Regular times of adoration - visits to Jesus, daily Mass, family prayers and rosaries, celebrating Saints days, etc. All presented as positive and joyful, not as onerous duties. Your attitude as parents will make a huge difference to your children.
 
dunkin said:
yes…
– then the only ‘discipline’ implemented from then on is natural consequences. Instead of punishing / rewarding or MAKING my kids do something, we use techniques that get them to think about the consequences of their actions, so they will/won’t want to do it. And if they don’t/do end up doing it, then they learn by those natural consequences, and afterwards we talk about what they learned. (Like allowing them to go outside without a coat, even though there was a friendly suggestion, to figure out they need one and to come back.)

I assume that there are exceptions to this line of discipline. For instance, if your child was playing with fire or a gun, I assume you would not simply suggest that they not do that and then let them discover for themselves the tragic outcome. So apply the same safeguards to their eternal lives that you would to their mortal lives. There are consequences to leading a Godless life, and some of those cannot be truly perceived until after death, when it is too late to learn by natural consequences.
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Touché! Ya… I was worried about that too in the level of Unschooling we do with our kids.

You see, there are different “levels” that one is willing to do in this theory. Some are what is called Radical Unschooling, were the child is free to choose what THEY think is right and wrong in the parenting part (even if it is against the law… not just God’s law). SCARY HU! Then, there are the ones who are closer to what we do, by giving choices. However, there are some who go little further away from Radical Unschooling then our family. These parents also have a punishment if the child chooses the wrong choice. (Like time out, spanking, etc).

What I listed on the definition of unschooling was ,in the original post, is the level my family feels comfortable right now in our lives. Unless the other families ,who are the same level as us, explain to me how a situation like the one you just described can be handled still with only natural consequences, we may have to go down a degree. What is called the natural AND logical consequences level. (Something like what you may have heard of, called Love and Logic). We will see…

Oh… by the way… you made a good comparison! I will have to make sure to add that to my unschooling message board question post when asking how one goes about when disciplining. 🙂 Thanks.
 
MyVavies said:
The reason for such a long post is to hopefully get you, and others, to understand why I feel it is important to not be so forcefully in the way you approach things. Also I am so curious on why you looked into my post when I said in the title “SORRY LONG!” if this length is such a bother to you?

Anyways… Applying this parent philosophy was a worry of mine when it came to the obligations of the Catholic Church. This is why I posted this here. I want to do my vocation as a parent and didn’t know how I can do so without be a nagger which to children is such a turn off. And especially in religion, I don’t want them to be annoyed in something so beautiful and in most ways perfect. I felt there must be a way to still have them do whats right AND have the desire to want it when they feel like it or not. But somehow you missed that. Maybe I need to work on my written communication skills, however, something is telling me you just probably didn’t read it.
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I did read your post very much so. I think you are interested in a parenting theory and ideas that are rather controversial. After having three children myself and they are older than yours, there is not a one size fits all parenting philosophy that is going to work for every child equally. I am sure as you see that each child is different and is going to respond differently and need to be handled differently. That is why one should be very careful in following any so called parenting theory and idea because it may work with one child but not another. Likewise, in stead of worrying about creating a desire in a child to be involved in their faith, you also need to realize that this will be stronger and weaker in anyone and differs with everyone over time. I think you are buying into some “free or no school” philosophy which is extremely controversial and rather unproven. Montesorri is a better route for you if so interested. That is a proven educational system from the early 1900’s and was started by a Catholic. Most children do respond well to routine and discipline in that we attend Mass and go to Church. Involving oneself with their children in things like altar serving, youth groups etc will very much help in creating that desire.
 
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