Shoulderless/plunging bridal gowns and unity candles: should they be banned from Catholic weddings?

[Lepanto]

In many of the Catholic weddings I’ve attended over the past decade, the bride’s wedding gowns were quite provocative. Besides being shoulderless and having plunging necklines, they often have no backs to them, either. Instead of looking like bridal gowns they look what you might see at a nightclub. They are far from the modest, and the result is that the bride looks, well…trampy. Certainly not what should be worn to a sacrament.

Most of these weddings also have a unity candle ceremony inserted into the liturgy.

Should a priest counsel a couple about these matters, and refuse to marry them if they refuse to comply? Even if they threaten to just go down the street and get married by the Unitarian church?

 

[Phemie]

YES!

 

[benedictgal]

Having assisted at a couple hundred weddings, I have seen it all. I must admit, though, that some of the strapless gowns that brides have worn have been more modest than the regular selection. They have also been rather tasteful.

The plunging necklines have go to go the way of the dinosaur, though. Mind you, it’s not only the brides who are guilty as charged. The bridesmaids (although the bride does choose their gowns) and the other wedding party (in my area, it’s the padrinos-sponsors- who carry in the bible, the laso, the coins and the cushions) who are just as offensive. I have seen outfits that would have made the late Anna Nicole Smith look demure.

The problem, Lepanto, is that there are reality shows like “Bridezillas”, “A Wedding Story”, “Whose Wedding is this Anyway” and “Say Yes to the Dress” don’t help at all. The magazines are also major contributors to what has amounted to a runway style show as opposed to an important Sacrament.

Now, as far as the Unity Candle is concerned, when my PV was rector at the Cathedral, he banned the infernal thing. He said that since it is not a part of the Nuptial Rite, it has no place on the altar. Furthermore, when one of the Salesians celebrated a wedding Mass, he had the Unity Candle placed atop the altar and the wax nearly ruined one of the Cathedral’s altar linens (that dates back to the Victorian era). The rector pitched a fit and told us that the priest would no longer be invited to celebrate Nuptial Masses there.

Now, I mentioned the laso (double rosary designed to cover both the bride and groom) and the coins (arras-which symbolize the fact that now the couple will share everything). These are included in the Mexican version of the Nuptial Rite. After the couple exchanges wedding rings, then the priest blesses the coins. After that, the husband takes the coins from a padrino (male sponsor) and hands them to his bride. Both make a pledge to share everything. Then she gives them to her madrina (sponsor).

After that, another couple brings up the double rosary, which symobolizes the invisible bonds of marriage. The priest blesses the laso and then invites the sponsor couple to put one loop around the bride and the other around the groom. This particular ritual is found in the Mexican episcopal conference’s Nuptial Rite book and is almost always a staple in Mexican-American parishes.

 

[roanoker]

I hate the whole unity candle thing! We have it in protestant weddings, too. Its just dumb, and awkward…Roanoker

 

[bpbasilphx]

"Whose Wedding is this Anyway"

**I’ll tell you whose wedding it is.

It’s the CHURCH’S wedding service, and it’s being bestowed on the couple.**

 

[Zooey]

I hate the whole unity candle thing! We have it in protestant weddings, too. Its just dumb, and awkward…Roanoker

I once would have shrugged over the whole unity candle thing. Then some young friends showed me their wedding videos…Including the part where the bride knocked over the unity candle, and:bigyikes: set the altar on fire.
Unity candle=:nope: :nope: !!!

 

[Joannm]

I do not like the unity candle either aside from it not being in the rite. I have been to weddings in different parishes and they all do the candle think differently and at different parts of the mass or ceremony. Some at the beginning, some before the vows and some following and some at the end of the Mass.

I have also seen mishaps with the candles, especially them not lighting. Now what does that say?

The best use of a unity candle was at my good friend’s wedding. He is a liturgist and a musician. The wedding was liturgically PERFECECT including the bride AND GROOM walking in processsion with 10 priests and deacons. They had the unity candle as part of the blessing at the reception. It was really nice and a small schola sang a blessing song during the lighting of it before the priest said grace. I told my daughters about it so when it comes time for their weddings we will do the unity candle at the reception.

 

[PaixGioiaAmor]

I do not like the unity candle either aside from it not being in the rite. I have been to weddings in different parishes and they all do the candle think differently and at different parts of the mass or ceremony. Some at the beginning, some before the vows and some following and some at the end of the Mass.

I have also seen mishaps with the candles, especially them not lighting. Now what does that say?

The best use of a unity candle was at my good friend’s wedding. He is a liturgist and a musician. The wedding was liturgically PERFECECT including the bride AND GROOM walking in processsion with 10 priests and deacons. They had the unity candle as part of the blessing at the reception. It was really nice and a small schola sang a blessing song during the lighting of it before the priest said grace. I told my daughters about it so when it comes time for their weddings we will do the unity candle at the reception.

Exactly where it belongs if it’s important to the couple.

 

[THurifer2]

The unity candle cannot be part of the Nuptial Mass…it isn’t in the rubrics…so I guess it is already banned.

 

[PaixGioiaAmor]

The unity candle cannot be part of the Nuptial Mass…it isn’t in the rubrics…so I guess it is already banned.

What is amazing is how many priests seem to believe it IS part of the rite. They genuinely act this way. I don’t know if they think it’s part of unwritten tradition or something, but they seem to think it belongs.

 

[SwizzleStick]

…Most of these weddings also have a unity candle ceremony inserted into the liturgy. …

I am always learning something new about my Faith and I am a cradle Catholic. My husband and I had a unity candle at Mass when we were married. I had no idea that it is not a part of the Rite. We also signed our marriage certificate on the altar after we exchanged our vows. I did wonder about that since I’d never seen that done before (or since) and felt very uncomfortable about standing at the altar with my back to the tabernacle.

If it isn’t a part of the rubrics, is it an abuse?

 

[THurifer2]

I am always learning something new about my Faith and I am a cradle Catholic. My husband and I had a unity candle at Mass when we were married. I had no idea that it is not a part of the Rite. We also signed our marriage certificate on the altar after we exchanged our vows. I did wonder about that since I’d never seen that done before (or since) and felt very uncomfortable about standing at the altar with my back to the tabernacle.

If it isn’t a part of the rubrics, is it an abuse?

Paix is right most people think it is part of the “show”. I had a unity candle at my wedding …but I was young and dumb at the time.

If you are a cradle Catholic under 45 years old then you are like me…someone who wasn’t catechised at all. the last 15 years of my life have been “self” catechisis with some classes here and there. I am just now getting over the resentment.

 

[ethelzguy]

"Whose Wedding is this Anyway"

**I’ll tell you whose wedding it is.

It’s the CHURCH’S wedding service, and it’s being bestowed on the couple.**

Interesting point. When my son and daughter in law were married back in '85. The DIL’s (non-Catholic) family made no secret of their dislike for the ceremony.

It was the standard Mass, with the vows exchanged after the Gospel…They couldn’t understand why the “wedding was upstaged” by a “Catholic Service”.

Of course, I often hear similar remarks after Catholic funeral Masses too…

 

[SwizzleStick]

If you are a cradle Catholic under 45 years old then you are like me…someone who wasn’t catechised at all. the last 15 years of my life have been “self” catechisis with some classes here and there. I am just now getting over the resentment.

Well, I almost fall in that range, since I will be 46 in 2 weeks. Anyway, I too have self-taught much of the little I know (compared to the vast amount that there is to know), but unfortunately, it has only been for the last 5 years or so. I bought a Catechism and try to read and learn that and also read books and various internet sites too (this one, for example). I wish I could have known more all along to better know, love and serve our Lord and to have avoided instances where I have offended Him.

 

[Newbie2]

"Whose Wedding is this Anyway"

**I’ll tell you whose wedding it is.

It’s the CHURCH’S wedding service, and it’s being bestowed on the couple.**

Theologically, perhaps it’s best seen in a different light. It’s the only sacrament that two people can bestow upon each other. The Church and the priest are witnesses and administrators.

But to the OP’s question, where does one draw the line on the dress code? I agree that some dresses make the bride or bridesmaids look like trolips, but “plunging” can be somewhat subjective. What does the priest do, get a ruler?

Unity candles? Why not? I don’t see a problem with them.

 

[kitkatty]

I tell you what those plunging necklines have got to go. As far as the Unity candle, I just dont like it, it seems to me to be a fairly recent like past 15 or 20 years ago they seem to have gotten more popular. Both my nieces, Catholic weddings, had them but I dont feel they have a place in a Catholic ceremony of any rite.

 

[mflaschner]

I definitely think they should be banned. Of course, being that I’m in the market for a wedding dress right now, I can tell you that it’s harder than one would think to find a (flattering/attractive) modest wedding dress these days! Nearly everything is strapless. I’ve seen many “gowns” that look like cocktail dresses or even something you might wear over a swimsuit (presumably these styles are becoming more popular as more people have destination weddings). I wouldn’t feel right going to Mass in a dress that showed half my body - so why would I feel any different on my wedding day? If ANYthing, I’d want to be more conservative, what with everyone looking at me and all!

–

 

[PatienceAndLove]

I definitely think they should be banned. Of course, being that I’m in the market for a wedding dress right now, I can tell you that it’s harder than one would think to find a (flattering/attractive) modest wedding dress these days! Nearly everything is strapless. I’ve seen many “gowns” that look like cocktail dresses or even something you might wear over a swimsuit (presumably these styles are becoming more popular as more people have destination weddings). I wouldn’t feel right going to Mass in a dress that showed half my body - so why would I feel any different on my wedding day? If ANYthing, I’d want to be more conservative, what with everyone looking at me and all!

–

A lot of my friends ended up going through LDS bridal dress companies to get dresses that were modest.

 

[athanasiusrc]

Actually, the use of the unity candle is implicitly banned during the ceremony. I wrote to Rome about this several years ago:

The following reply was sent to this website by the Congregation for Divine Worship 12/29/99:

At the discretion of the Conference of Bishops and at the time of their approval of the Rite of Marriage for their territory, certain rites having roots in the tradition of a particular people, and which authentically express Gospel values pertaining to marriage, may be inserted at appropriate points in the Rite of Marriage. Such gestures should not be included within the celebration of the rite if they do not appear at least as an option within the Rite of Marriage for which is approved by the Bishops and published with the recognitio of the Holy See for the territory in which the marriage is celebrated. It is possible that other gestures might be carried out after the completion of the Rite and the final blessing, or at a non-liturgical ceremony, such as a reception. To insert into the Rite gestures which are not approved by the Conference of Bishops with the recognitio of the Holy See, constitutes an abuse, even if perhaps well-intentioned."

catholicliturgy.com/index.cfm/FuseAction/LawText/Index/6/SubIndex/133/LawIndex/34

 

[Teakafrog]

Yes, I think immodest dresses should be banned in Church. This from someone who got married outside the Church with a very modest gown, then married again (to the same guy–looong story ) after I converted, in the Church, again totally covered. I could not imagine being in Church at ALL in most of the clothes I see most people wearing–spaghetti straps, totally strapless, 'neck’lines down to the belly button, skirts or shorts that barely cover the rear end…and that’s on a normal Sunday mass! I think it’s disgusting to have no more respect for the Lord than that.

As far as the unity candle…we had one in our Church wedding, didn’t know it was a problem , no one ever told us not to… And we tried to follow all the rubrics as closely as we could, and had a very orthodox priest. Oh well, guess that’s done and over, but at least I wasn’t half naked when we lit it!