Shoulderless/plunging bridal gowns and unity candles: should they be banned from Catholic weddings?

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Joannm said:
I do not like the unity candle either aside from it not being in the rite. I have been to weddings in different parishes and they all do the candle think differently and at different parts of the mass or ceremony. Some at the beginning, some before the vows and some following and some at the end of the Mass.

I have also seen mishaps with the candles, especially them not lighting. Now what does that say?

The best use of a unity candle was at my good friend’s wedding. He is a liturgist and a musician. The wedding was liturgically PERFECECT including the bride AND GROOM walking in processsion with 10 priests and deacons. They had the unity candle as part of the blessing at the reception. It was really nice and a small schola sang a blessing song during the lighting of it before the priest said grace. I told my daughters about it so when it comes time for their weddings we will do the unity candle at the reception.
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Your friends must have been up there high on the food chain. My parents were married in '56…oh yeah, that probably wouldn’t have happened as my mother is Protestant.

My cousin was married in '64 and my uncle walked her down the ailse. I don’t remember a procession of priests and deacons. When I got married in '81…my dad walked me down the aisle. I didn’t know that you had to have such a performance. I asked around and was told that type of wedding mass was reserved for the high end parishoners…and others have said that there aren’t enough priests and deacons to call for such a procession.

As for the wedding gowns…they are all strapless, that is the style. You can get a strapless that doesn’t show all when you bend down to great your guests from the table, nor does show all when you raise your arms up to toss the doves. 😃

As for the unity candle. We didn’t have one at our wedding, we had two roses blessed and we each gave on to our moms. I gave one to his mom and he gave one to mine. I saw that at my cousins wedding in '74 and thought it was so nice. (Catholic wedding). I have seen the sand unity candle because of fire codes you could not have open flame. The church I went to in Charleston does not have the candle lighting area because of the fire regulations.
 
Julianna said:
Your friends must have been up there high on the food chain. My parents were married in '56…oh yeah, that probably wouldn’t have happened as my mother is Protestant.

My cousin was married in '64 and my uncle walked her down the ailse. I don’t remember a procession of priests and deacons. When I got married in '81…my dad walked me down the aisle. I didn’t know that you had to have such a performance. I asked around and was told that type of wedding mass was reserved for the high end parishoners…and others have said that there aren’t enough priests and deacons to call for such a procession.

As for the wedding gowns…they are all strapless, that is the style. You can get a strapless that doesn’t show all when you bend down to great your guests from the table, nor does show all when you raise your arms up to toss the doves. 😃

As for the unity candle. We didn’t have one at our wedding, we had two roses blessed and we each gave on to our moms. I gave one to his mom and he gave one to mine. I saw that at my cousins wedding in '74 and thought it was so nice. (Catholic wedding). I have seen the sand unity candle because of fire codes you could not have open flame. The church I went to in Charleston does not have the candle lighting area because of the fire regulations.
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We were married in 81 as well, (Catholic wedding) and gave blessed roses to our moms. I saw it done at MY cousins wedding as well! LOL!! It became a part of my husbands siblings weddings. As to the “unity candle” - well, I never heard of doing that until my brother-in-law married two months after my husband and myself.(Protestant church wedding) The candle wouldn’t light, and the bride nearly caught her veil on fire!
Regarding gowns - mine was a sweetheart neckline and long sheer sleeves. Sigh - it seems so long ago now! 🙂
 
Lepanto said:
In many of the Catholic weddings I’ve attended over the past decade, the bride’s wedding gowns were quite provocative. Besides being shoulderless and having plunging necklines, they often have no backs to them, either. Instead of looking like bridal gowns they look what you might see at a nightclub. They are far from the modest, and the result is that the bride looks, well…trampy. Certainly not what should be worn to a sacrament.

Most of these weddings also have a unity candle ceremony inserted into the liturgy.

Should a priest counsel a couple about these matters, and refuse to marry them if they refuse to comply? Even if they threaten to just go down the street and get married by the Unitarian church?
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A dear old friend and I found ourselves looking for mother-of-the-groom attire at the same time, although many miles apart. After looking for some time, we began referring to the clothes that were being shown as Naked Lady dresses. Each of us used clothes already in our own wardrobes and skipped the newly avalable stuff.
 
I wonder where TLM brides shop for wedding dresses. They all can’t be wearing their mothers’ old dresses.
 
What does the priest do, get a ruler?
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Of course this is one thing that the priest should cover on the very first meeting with the couple getting married. Many priests don’t and let the bride dress whichever way she wants. But if the priest makes it clear as far as wearing a respectful gown but she wears strapless, low cut gown anyway, the priest can do what I saw many years ago when we still had the TLM. The priest told the best man to remove his coat, then the priest took it from him and put it on the bride’s back. The bride had to wear the best man’s coat all through the mass and the wedding ceremony even process down the isle with it till she was out of the church.👍
 
Brides not knowing to cover up during their own weddings is just as indication that the population in general does not know how to dress for Mass or how to be respectful in the presence of our Lord in Church. A lot of people have no modesty or respect. This morning at Mass I saw a young woman wearing a summer dress that had spaghetti straps and plunging neckline. She was going up to receive our Lord in the Eucharist and had overflowing cleavage and I guess it just didn’t occur to her that she might consider covering up for our Lord, the priest, the public. I saw something similar last week. That dress too had the spaghetti straps and a plunging neckline that bared a lot, but it also had an asymmetrical hemline that was okay on one side because it was about knee length, but went up to mid thigh on the other leg. I cannot imagine wearing something like that at any time, but to Mass? And what about the young men who walk around with their boxers hanging out? They have their pants halfway down their bottoms so you can see their underwear (and sometimes more). I don’t know what those guys are thinking either. Sadly, as a culture, we collectively have little modesty (and respect for ourselves and others).
 
When my daughter was to be married I told her we would purchase the gown. We went shopping and she modeled many gowns. One was a fairytale strapless gown the lady told her would be wonderful on her. LOL my daughter did look good in it. But when it came down to it she said that the even the priest could have been distracted with the obvious cleavage. She picked a wonderful gown and then had a modesty panel added to that. She looked like an angel when she placed her roses at the feet of Mary.

Our parish had a rule on modesty and also did not allow unity candles. Since this was 15 years ago I am not sure what the rules are now.
 
Lepanto said:
I wonder where TLM brides shop for wedding dresses. They all can’t be wearing their mothers’ old dresses.
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Some do 😃 . But many of them use the wedding dress to have the baptismal gowns made for their sons and daughters.
 
Newbie2 said:
Unity candles? Why not? I don’t see a problem with them.
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They are unnecessary at a Catholic wedding, as our principal sign of unity is the Eucharist. Unity candles can’t outdo that!

However, if I had to choose my battles on liturgical abuses, this would not be one of them. It does not bother me all that much.
 
I believe there should be some rules in parishes on how a bride and her bridesmaids are to be covered up. At the same time, I know how difficult it was trying to find gowns that had straps or sleeves when I was getting married (5 years ago in August). Plunging necklines weren’t really as trendy at the point, from what I saw. Most gowns had the necklines straight across the chest so that one’s cleavage would not be bursting out.

Almost every single gown that I looked at was strapless. I originally was out to get a gown with 3/4 length sleeves, like my mother’s gown, so that I could attach the cape train from her gown to mine, since I would never be able to fit into her gown. (She was a size 0/2 and I’m a 4/6). I gave up on the 3/4 length sleeves and was about to give up on thick straps on the gown when I finally found one that was basically like cap sleeves, but higher on the shoulder. The gown had the option to take them off, but I obviously kept mine and had the seamstress do something to them so that I could hook and unhook the cape train.

As for the Unity Candle, about four years ago, our diocese started to gradually get rid of the ceremony. They first said it was discouraged. Then in a couple more years, they said it was absolutely not permitted. So, now we don’t do it in our diocese - or at least not supposed to. In the neighboring diocese across the river, at a few of the weddings I’ve worked as a musician, they still permit it. But for almost all of the weddings I’ve done in my diocese, the priests have been very good in implementing and following the rules with that.
 
I just took a trip down memory lane in thinking about this subject. I know not everyone has the option to sew gowns, but my family was blessed in that regard and all of the gowns involved were modest and everything was covered.

When one of my sisters got married, my mother made her gown, the bridesmaids and flower girl dresses and her own mother of the bride dress (seven total). Then, when my other sister got married, mom made all the bridesmaids and flower girl gowns and her own mother of the bride dress (ten total but not the bridal gown that time). By the time I got married (we had four weddings in five years with my brother’s wedding in there too), mom was tired of preparing for weddings. All my dresses were bought and mom wore one of her mother of the bride dresses that she had made for one of my siblings’ weddings (I don’t remember which sibling).🙂
 
The last time I heard anything about a unity candle was almost fifteen years ago when my sister got married. My husband and I, who got married five years earlier, didn’t have one (had never heard of them) so after my sister talked to the coordinator, she asked me how I thought she should do the unity candle. I said, “What do you mean?”

She said, “Well, the coordinator said we could either blow out our candles after lighting the unity candle to symbolize that we were now one, or we could choose to leave our candles lit to symbolize that we were united but still our own individuals.”

:rolleyes:

I can’t remember which option she chose, but they were divorced three years later, which reinforced in my mind that it was an empty ritual just for show.
 
:rolleyes: Never heard of a Unity Candle.My parents got married inBuffalo in 1955 in front of a JP.
Then after I was born in 1956,my parents came to Texas cause daddy was stationed at KellyAFB at Security Service.
They got married here in the National Shrine of the Little Flower on Kentucky St. in front of two witnesses and the Carmelite priest who married them.Momma never mentioned any such candle,and I take it there was no big wedding to do at all,just the simple marriage ceremony.
If the Unity Candle is not part of the marriage rubics,then dump it.
It would be better if the couple recieved a blessed picture of the Holy Family after the ceremony and instructed by the priest to take the picture and hang it in their home.To look always to Our Lady and St.Joseph for inspiration and to imitate them in their married life.To keep Jesus at the forfront of their lives.
That to me would have more meaning than a silly candle.
I think my mother wore just a simple suit for the wedding since she was already married and I was around.
Some of these dresses cost several thousand dollars.
I don’t think I’ll ever get married,but if did,it’s just going to be a simple which dress or suit.
 
This whole topic… reminds me (again)… of the subject of inappropriate dress for ANY Mass… whether it be a wedding, weekday or regular Sunday Mass.

Of particular concern to me… is the sight of some of the Eucharistic Ministers at each Sunday Mass… and their choice of apparel. Women seem to be of greatest concern. I’ve seen it all… from spaghetti straps, to skin tight tank tops to mini skirts to stiletto heels. :ouch:

Please remember modesty in attire… when approaching the Sacred Sacrifice of the Mass. God bless.
 
I don’t know anything about unity candles, but I would think that the bride should dress modestly sense they are in the presents of the tabernacle and especially if the bride is going to receive communion.
 
PhilotheaZ said:
They are unnecessary at a Catholic wedding, as our principal sign of unity is the Eucharist. Unity candles can’t outdo that!
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Exactly. And aren’t the wedding rings also supposed to be a sign of unity?

I think I read somewhere that the unity candle was invented and marketed by the Hallmark Cards company. Hardly an organic development of the liturgy!
 
FH and I are including the unity candle in our ceremony. His family is Southern Baptist and that’s a big thing to them, since his mom and dad get to light “his”. We also decided to not have communion since the majority of attendees will not be Catholic. I will be walking down the aisle to “Bridal Chorus” and other secular classical music will be played. I never really thought about the possible impropriety while we were planning it, since every wedding I’ve been to (including Catholic ones) was completely tainted by commercialism and non-religious gestures. I suppose a lot of what we are doing is driven by what we saw growing up … I would be sad if my dad and I didn’t stroll to “Here Comes the Bride” with everyone standing and watching me enter. I’ve waited my whole life for that and didn’t know it was in any way incorrect. No one along the way said “oh yeah, that’s fine for Protestants but not for your Catholic wedding”.

I know that the previous poster was being a bit condescending with the comment about people being miffed that the Mass upstaged the wedding, but sadly I somewhat agree with the sentiment. It’s what I’ve been programmed with from childhood, and many others have too.

I think FH and I will head back for Vigil Mass immediately after the reception. This way I will still have a Mass on our wedding day.
 
Lepanto said:
Exactly. And aren’t the wedding rings also supposed to be a sign of unity?

I think I read somewhere that the unity candle was invented and marketed by the Hallmark Cards company. Hardly an organic development of the liturgy!
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The story I heard was that it originated as part of the story line in a soap opera - the writers of the soap opera didn’t want to specify a particular religion for the church they were having their fictional characters married in, so they invented a marriage ritual just for the purposes of the soap opera, and it had a “unity candle” in it.
 
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