Shouldn't you be able to tell your husband everything?

[Articous]

Regarding the topic someone asked about being concerned about fantasizing made-up character, Michelle Arnold said a “woman should not tell her husband that she has been fantasizing about someone else, fictional or otherwise,” even if it is fleeting and not her fault. I can understand how this could be good advice in a relationship that’s already on shaky ground with trust issues, or someone who gets jealous easily, or a number of cases, but for the majority: why would you keep anything from your husband?

I personally had been having fantasy dreams during the engagement to our marriage and felt guilty and told my fiance about it and my guilt went away and he felt comfortable enough to share dreams that he had that made him uncomfortable too. From there other topics were able to be addressed. We were able to link the frustration to our engagement and other things to the frustration of waiting for sex with marriage. I think it’s healthy to share any and all things with your spouse; after all, aren’t we one person now? Maybe the person who posted that is having issues with intimacy in her marriage and these fantasies are her way of expressing it. Talking with her husband instead of making her feel guilty of it and keeping it from him seems like better advice to me, whether it regards sex or laziness or any other marital problem.

 

[Michelle_Arnold]

Telling Your Spouse Everything is one of those ideals that sounds great in theory, but doesn’t often work out in real life, as you acknowledge when you admit that there are all sorts of situations in which it is not appropriate. In the case the inquirer asked about, a husband or wife should not be burdened with the prurient fantasies of a spouse, especially when sharing them may relieve the conscience of the offending spouse but risks making the innocent spouse feel insecure and/or inadequate. In your own case, you relieved your own guilt at your fiance’s expense and simply were fortunate that he had been experiencing similar issues that he now felt he could unburden upon you because of what you had done to him. In other words, in your situation things worked out, but just because they did work out for you doesn’t make what you chose to do prudent or a model others should follow.

If a husband or wife is experiencing fantasies or other engaging in other behaviors that may impact adversely on the marital relationship, he or she should first seek counsel (and confession, if necessary) from a balanced, orthodox confessor or spiritual director. If further assistance is necessary, it would be better to consult with a marriage counselor before taking the risk of dropping an emotional bomb into the middle of a marriage. If it is determined that the innocent spouse needs to know, a trained counselor can help the offending spouse to confess in a constructive manner, and to facilitate the resulting discussion and any follow-up therapy needed by the couple in dealing with the revelation.