Sibling bossiness

[TarkanAttila]

So me (I’m 21) and my 19-year old sister live in the same house. Neither of us own it.

However, she often insists I do as she tells me to. I tell her that if she doesn’t like something I do, to tell our mother and ask her to do something about it. And if I don’t do what my sister wants, she throws tantrums, splaying my belongings all over my room and the basement, even getting into violence.

I will admit that I also get violent with her. Yes, I know it’s wrong. But then she tries to pretend as if she didn’t do anything to provoke my anger! Like somehow just because I attack her I’m worse than her.

I admit that hitting girls is low. And I’m being just as bad as her, if not perhaps worse, for reacting so to her. Nevertheless, it’s NOT her house. And SHE does NOT have the right to boss me about. And she does it. Constantly. It’s only rarely flared up in violence like this. But it’s still ruining my life, and doubtlessly her’s and my Mom’s, too. (She argues with her mother, too, in like fashion.)

My question, is this, then: is there any way to try to compromise with my sister without letting her think she rules the house (or without coming off as if I rule the house)? Only my mother rightly rules the house (as it is hers), and until she dies, she has the right to rule. No?

 

[RedSoxWife]

Is there any way you can afford to move out of the house? If you two are getting violent with each other (and especially is she’s going to continue to act violently towards you, since you can only control your own actions and reactions) that might be the best solution. A little space might be a good first step in easing the tension.

 

[EasterJoy]

You’re nineteen and 21, and you can’t refrain from hitting each other? And you both think there is some “provocation” that would excuse this whatsoever? Oy, vey. Who else on this planet do the two of you give yourselves permission to hit? Who else do you get to treat this way? Thank heavens you haven’t married yet.

Does your mother live in this house? If not, what on earth possessed her to think you two were ready to be treated like adults…that is, that you could live under the same roof without a referee?

Let me ask you this: Does your sister have a history of hitting people at school? Does she have a history of throwing around her classmates’ things when they anger her? Does she throw tantrums when there is anyone other than immediate family present? If she does, then give it up. She’s out of control, and you’re not going to fix her. Move…either back in with your mom or out on your own.

Based on my own experiences in my own family, though, I am guessing that she does not behave like this with anyone but you, and that, therefore, this is behavior that she chooses because it works in some way with you and your mom. Either she gets something out of it or, at the very least, she suffers no ill consequences. After all, if she couldn’t do better when she wanted to or thought she needed to, then she would have a history of violent behavior erupting whenever she didn’t get her way, no matter where she was or who she was with.

If your sister can do better, you need to find a way to insist that she unfailingly do better with you. You, likewise, need to insist that you control yourself around all other people, male and female, all of the time. If the choice to use violence or the level of violence you choose to use is not morally defensible–meaning that even a police officer is unlikely to use it under the same circumstance without facing discipline if some newspaper got wind of it–THEN DON’T GIVE YOURSELF ANY PERMISSION WHATSOEVER TO DO THAT.

If you can’t learn to control yourself, you’d better stay away from people who could “provoke” you until you do, or you’re going to wind up with an arrest record. If the neighbors call the cops and you’ve hit your sister, she won’t be able to refuse to press charges. You will be toast, and your future prospects will be severely compromised. You need to learn to walk away when she gets violent, and you need to move out if she can’t learn to control herself, just as you would if she were a roommate that you’re not related to. You can’t afford to stick around in a situation like you’re describing. Life is too short.

 

[EasterJoy]

My question, is this, then: is there any way to try to compromise with my sister without letting her think she rules the house (or without coming off as if I rule the house)? Only my mother rightly rules the house (as it is hers), and until she dies, she has the right to rule. No?

Normal roommates sharing a house set up house rules they all can agree to when they are calm and rational, including consequences for violating the rules. If you pay the same rent, you have the same voice. If they can’t agree on the rules of the house, they go their separate ways. I suggest you do the same. If there were a magic way for otherwise contentious people to get along without this kind of rational compromise just because they care about each other or were related, trust me, we’d let you know, but there isn’t.

 

[EasterJoy]

Normal roommates sharing a house set up house rules they all can agree to when they are calm and rational, including consequences for violating the rules. If you pay the same rent, you have the same voice. If they can’t agree on the rules of the house, they go their separate ways. I suggest you do the same. If there were a magic way for otherwise contentious people to get along without this kind of rational compromise just because they care about each other or were related, trust me, we’d let you know, but there isn’t.

PS You can sit down with your mom and make these into a “lease agreement”. The condition can be that the tenant who can’t live within the house rules as agreed to by the tenants and landlord have to move. Spell it out in the agreement, and spell out what recourse there will be if the rules are not enforced.

 

[TarkanAttila]

To be more precise, mom lives in the house with us.

I’ll check this out soon.

 

[EasterJoy]

To be more precise, mom lives in the house with us.

I’ll check this out soon.

You’re already living at home? Yes, ask your mom to lay down some house rules, including a prohibition on punches, kicks, verbal threats, ruining or putting someone else’s things into disarray, and so on, and the consequences. Have her draw up behavior that she’d expect from any adult who was renting a room in the house with her living in it, and include rules for houseguests and the boundaries that their “host” is expected to enforce upon them. If she doesn’t know what ought to go into this kind of thing, I wouldn’t be surprised if the local housing authority couldn’t help her with the kind of information needed by someone wanting to run a boarding house in your area.

For instance, for her own protection I’d suggest that she say that anyone bringing drugs or someone who has drugs on them into the house is out…period, on the first offense. The same goes for any minors with alcohol or minor guests with alcohol. She can’t afford to have someone put her at risk of arrest. Again: Anything she’d expect if you two were renters, because the law won’t treat the situation as it would have when you were fifteen.

You’re grown-ups. It is time to act like it, or get your own house and make your own rules. If that needs to happen, there is no shame in that for anyone. Sometimes that does remove the strife entirely, because it is just time. Many adult children realize it is time to leave the nest just that way. I’ve seen the day that the comes for children in the same family range all the way from twenty-two to thirty-one. It just depends on the relationship between the adult child, the parent or parents, and the other people that the parents/owners have deemed fit to allow to live in the house.

 

[TarkanAttila]

Normal roommates sharing a house set up house rules they all can agree to when they are calm and rational, including consequences for violating the rules. If you pay the same rent, you have the same voice. If they can’t agree on the rules of the house, they go their separate ways. I suggest you do the same. If there were a magic way for otherwise contentious people to get along without this kind of rational compromise just because they care about each other or were related, trust me, we’d let you know, but there isn’t.

Well, that’s easy, then. As Mom’s the only one who pays the taxes, she’s the only one who ought to make the rules.

Problem is, I can’t get her to write any of her rules down. I’ve asked her. And she thinks it’s fine just to tell us to do things and we should just do them. To a degree, I agree with her. It should be that way. But you can’t misquote a written document or make exceptions to a written rule. It’s a lot harder to be accused of bias if we all follow the same rules.

I don’t think I can talk to either of them. It’s amazing how much like each other they are: belligerent, self-centered, stubborn, unmoving. Honestly, I can be the same way. But I like to think I at least try to negotiate. Try.

Maybe I just need to get a space heater and go back down to the basement. (That is, technically, my bedroom.) I was only going up because it’s so dang cold down here. I’m getting quite cold as I sit typing here.

Or… maybe it is time for me to somehow make enough money to live in my own place.