Sick son, live-in girlfriend, and learning my place

[mnmbishop]

Hello all!

My son is 25 and was just diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Disease. Although it is life-threatening, it is very treatable and they expect a full recovery after chemo. The coming months are going to be very difficult for him and for our whole family, so first and foremost, I ask for your prayers.

Now my question. My son lives about 8 hours away from me with his girlfriend. I don’t approve of this arrangement and he knows it, but there’s not much I can do about it. I told him as soon as he got sick that I would up to see him for any appointment, treatment, or surgery that he needed. I have the time and resources to be able to do this, for which I am very grateful. But, it seems that I am not as welcome as I would like to be as his mother. He keeps telling me that I don’t need to come down, because his girlfriend goes with him to his appointments. He even had surgery a few weeks ago, and he didn’t want me to come down for that either. I know that the hospital only allows one person to attend chemo with the patient, and I’m hoping I can trade off with his girlfriend. I’m almost afraid to bring it up though, because I’m afraid I know the answer.

Now don’t get me wrong, she is a great girl, and I love that he has someone who is so devoted to taking care of him. But I do feel like she is not his wife, and that as his mother I should have more access to him and be more involved in his care than I have been. I don’t want to cause tension or stress anyone out, but I fear for my son’s health and I want the chance to help him.

Is there any way that I can approach this issue that would be kind and fair to everyone, or should I just keep it to myself and wait to be invited to help?

 

[crystal_waters]

Now may not be the time to bring up his girlfriend living with him…it isnt right that they are living togther…but if hes sick and you dont live nearby then his girlfriend is going to be there taking care of him and neither will appreciate you saying she shouldnt be there…it may cause a rift between you and your son so tread carefully and remember that you cant tell him what to do …hes an adult

 

[mnmbishop]

Now may not be the time to bring up his girlfriend living with him…it isnt right that they are living togther…but if hes sick and you dont live nearby then his girlfriend is going to be there taking care of him and neither will appreciate you saying she shouldnt be there…it may cause a rift between you and your son so tread carefully and remember that you cant tell him what to do …hes an adult

Don’t misunderstand me, I would never tell him or her that she shouldn’t be there. I voiced my disapproval when he moved in with her, but after that I’ve been silent on the issue.

I don’t want to say that they shouldn’t live together. I just want to be allowed to attend his treatments with him, go up for any surgeries, and help out in taking care of him. However, I keep being relegated to the corner because “Jane” is taking care of it/going to the appointment/has the afternoons off for chemo/etc. I don’t want her to go away, I just want to be included more. I feel like as his mother I should have a larger role in caring for my sick child-especially since he isn’t married.

 

[EasterJoy]

She’s not his wife now, but she may be one day. Can you call her and let her know directly that you feel so much better knowing he is not going through this alone and you would like to help if she needs it? (Let us face it, he has put her in charge.) If she doesn’t see you as competition, she might be willing to just tell your son, “Listen, I need help. I’m calling your mom, whether you like it or not.”

After all, the only problem you have with her is that she and he are living together. Who knows whose bright idea that was, when all is said and done. Maybe she did it in order to get him to marry her, who knows. If you get on famously with her, at any rate, it won’t hurt the chances of a marriage down the road, that is the main thing. As long as she is good to him, give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

[Marie5890]

I feel like as his mother I should have a larger role in caring for my sick child-especially since he isn’t married.

Oh dont go down that road for you will be on the losing end of it.

He is an adult now and as much as he loves you as his mother, you are his mother. You are not the woman he is in love with.

Take this as an opportunity to build a relationship with his girlfriend, and to strengthen the relationship you have with your son.

Since he is an adult now, you really dont have any “rights” as his mother, regardless of whether or not he is married or single. It’s time to be supportive, cut the apron strings, and be helpful, not a divider.

Offer to be there for the BOTH of them if it would be helpful to them. But do not force yourself upon them.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

She’s not his wife now, but she may be one day. Can you call her and let her know directly that you feel so much better knowing he is not going through this alone and you would like to help if she needs it? (Let us face it, he has put her in charge.) If she doesn’t see you as competition, she might be willing to just tell your son, “Listen, I need help. I’m calling your mom, whether you like it or not.”

I agree with this. My husband is a cancer survivor, and it wasn’t too long ago that he was where your son is, I was where your son’s girlfriend is, and his parents were where you are.

The best thing that you can possibly do in this situation is support the caretaker. Everyone rushes to the aid of the patient, but they are usually too sick and tired to even know what they need help with. It is their caretaker who is doing all of the cooking, cleaning, going to the appointments, communicating updates to friends and family, etc and it is all very exhausting and emotionally draining. Don’t badger your son about helping him, just politely go to his girlfriend and find out what would make her life easier. The best way to help a patient is to make sure that the person taking care of them is doing ok.

I also wouldn’t hold your breath on being more welcome at appointments. Other family members wanted to attend my husband’s appointments and treatments, but it was a firm ‘no’. (We weren’t married at the time either). It’s not that they don’t love, respect, and need you. It’s that medical stuff, both the actual medical information as well as all of the paperwork and processes are very complicated. It helps a lot to have one advocate who is very familiar with the patient’s health records, insurance, and the hospital to handle that stuff and then communicate to other relatives. Having a different person each time means that the patient won’t be advocated for in the best way, because not one person will have all of the necessary information.

I am so sorry. I know how hard it is to watch someone you love battle cancer, especially when it’s someone so young.

 

[EasterJoy]

I agree with this. My husband is a cancer survivor, and it wasn’t too long ago that he was where your son is, I was where your son’s girlfriend is, and his parents were where you are.

The best thing that you can possibly do in this situation is support the caretaker. Everyone rushes to the aid of the patient, but they are usually too sick and tired to even know what they need help with. It is their caretaker who is doing all of the cooking, cleaning, going to the appointments, communicating updates to friends and family, etc and it is all very exhausting and emotionally draining. Don’t badger your son about helping him, just politely go to his girlfriend and find out what would make her life easier. The best way to help a patient is to make sure that the person taking care of them is doing ok.

I also wouldn’t hold your breath on being more welcome at appointments. Other family members wanted to attend my husband’s appointments and treatments, but it was a firm ‘no’. (We weren’t married at the time either). It’s not that they don’t love, respect, and need you. It’s that medical stuff, both the actual medical information as well as all of the paperwork and processes are very complicated. It helps a lot to have one advocate who is very familiar with the patient’s health records, insurance, and the hospital to handle that stuff and then communicate to other relatives. Having a different person each time means that the patient won’t be advocated for in the best way, because not one person will have all of the necessary information.

I am so sorry. I know how hard it is to watch someone you love battle cancer, especially when it’s someone so young.

That is exactly applicable…I’m so glad you had a good outcome! The chances of the same with a Hodgkin’s patient are very good, though.

When one of my relatives had cancer, one of the things that were very appreciated were frozen dinners, so the caretakers didn’t have to spend so much time cooking. If you bring casseroles and stews prepared with the idea they will be reheated–small packages, there are only two of them–then all the cooking and cleaning up are essentially done. When they eat what you cook, it is as if you are there. Again, I’d ask the main cook what would be good.

Since the OP lives so far away, if the OP has the money to pay for help, whether cooking or cleaning, that might also be a big help. Just something that says, “I want to help in a way that you dictate, not in a way that I dictate. I want to reduce your work, not add to it. I want to be a help, not one more thing to worry about.” That is the kind of mother-in-law that most women dream of!!

 

[maryjk]

She’s not his wife now, but she may be one day. Can you call her and let her know directly that you feel so much better knowing he is not going through this alone and you would like to help if she needs it? (Let us face it, he has put her in charge.) If she doesn’t see you as competition, she might be willing to just tell your son, “Listen, I need help. I’m calling your mom, whether you like it or not.”

After all, the only problem you have with her is that she and he are living together. Who knows whose bright idea that was, when all is said and done. Maybe she did it in order to get him to marry her, who knows. If you get on famously with her, at any rate, it won’t hurt the chances of a marriage down the road, that is the main thing. As long as she is good to him, give her the benefit of the doubt.

Such a great idea.

My MIL, yes my husband and I were married at the time, offered to come and take care of my husband after a serious illness. No offer of help for me. No checking to see what I needed.

My husband was in the hospital. He didn’t need anyone taking care of him. On the other hand I was caring for our son, taking care of the house, cars and communicating with his work and the insurance company. Plus driving back and forth to the hospital.

So, yes, call the girlfriend and ask what you can do to help.

I also wouldn’t hold your breath on being more welcome at appointments. Other family members wanted to attend my husband’s appointments and treatments, but it was a firm ‘no’. (We weren’t married at the time either). It’s not that they don’t love, respect, and need you. **It’s that medical stuff, both the actual medical information as well as all of the paperwork and processes are very complicated. It helps a lot to have one advocate who is very familiar with the patient’s health records, insurance, and the hospital to handle that stuff and then communicate to other relatives. Having a different person each time means that the patient won’t be advocated for in the best way, because not one person will have all of the necessary information.
**
I am so sorry. I know how hard it is to watch someone you love battle cancer, especially when it’s someone so young.

(Sorry BEL, snipped your post to shorten mine.)

I totally agree with BEL.

ONE person needs to be the patient advocate. When my mom as sick, I was that person. Even when my dad, her husband, was at the hospital, I was the person that made sure everything was taken care of.

Living 8 hours away means you can’t be there if something happens. Someone that lives with him, on the other hand can be there.

Again, let the girlfriend know that you are available. And that you would like to help however you can.

 

[maryjk]

Since the OP lives so far away, if the OP has the money to pay for help, whether cooking or cleaning, that might also be a big help. Just something that says, “I want to help in a way that you dictate, not in a way that I dictate. I want to reduce your work, not add to it. I want to be a help, not one more thing to worry about.” That is the kind of mother-in-law that most women dream of!!

Gosh, I hate to post so quickly but I had to comment on this.

When our son was born, we spent a lot of time at the hospital. He was very early and spent time in the NICU.

The second Saturday he was there, my husband and I came home, after a long day at the hospital and found that my mom had stopped by.

She had put dinner in the crock pot. She also ran the vacuum, cleaned our bathroom and washed and changed the sheets. There was fresh milk and lunch meat in the fridge.

So often people would come to “help.” Instead it created work for me. When my mom came, it was truly help.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

So often people would come to “help.” Instead it created work for me. When my mom came, it was truly help.

Bingo. When my husband was sick, he had to undergo several surgeries. We insisted that his parents and siblings not come to the hospital for them. I was alone for the first two, and the third one was more serious, so I invited my mom down.

Why was my mom invited while we insisted that his mom stay away? Because my mom cooked for me, held me while I cried about the possibility of being a 26 year old widow, allowed me to speak with the doctors and nurses rather than fighting me for that position, and helped me pick up the apartment before my husband (then fiance) came home from the hospital.

Yes, his mom was hurt, and yes she was annoyed. But I really could not deal with a possible power struggle at that time, and I certainly didn’t want to play hostess to anyone. We decided to do what was best for us, and everyone else got over it.

 

[kbachler]

Hello all!

My son is 25 and was just diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Disease. Although it is life-threatening, it is very treatable and they expect a full recovery after chemo. The coming months are going to be very difficult for him and for our whole family, so first and foremost, I ask for your prayers.

Now my question. My son lives about 8 hours away from me with his girlfriend. I don’t approve of this arrangement and he knows it, but there’s not much I can do about it. I told him as soon as he got sick that I would up to see him for any appointment, treatment, or surgery that he needed. I have the time and resources to be able to do this, for which I am very grateful. But, it seems that I am not as welcome as I would like to be as his mother. He keeps telling me that I don’t need to come down, because his girlfriend goes with him to his appointments. He even had surgery a few weeks ago, and he didn’t want me to come down for that either. I know that the hospital only allows one person to attend chemo with the patient, and I’m hoping I can trade off with his girlfriend. I’m almost afraid to bring it up though, because I’m afraid I know the answer.

Now don’t get me wrong, she is a great girl, and I love that he has someone who is so devoted to taking care of him. But I do feel like she is not his wife, and that as his mother I should have more access to him and be more involved in his care than I have been. I don’t want to cause tension or stress anyone out, but I fear for my son’s health and I want the chance to help him.

Is there any way that I can approach this issue that would be kind and fair to everyone, or should I just keep it to myself and wait to be invited to help?

Tread carefully. SUPPORT his girlfriend. Does the GF have any legal standing with the hospital in case something happens to your son? If not, they should consider this, since right now you are out of the loop.

Suggest that - perhaps you can help her out, spell her from time to time, and that it might be good to have another person in the loop - a support system can’t be too large.

Sounds like - based on where their heads are - you should treat her like you would a wife, and you’ll get a lot further.

 

[Marie5890]

Sounds like - based on where their heads are - you should treat her like you would a wife, and you’ll get a lot further.

Very good advise. He has chosen her to be his special partner that he shares his life with. Treat her accordingly, even though they are not married.

 

[mnmbishop]

I guess the long and short of this is that my baby has cancer and I feel like I’m being kept at arm’s length. I really don’t want to undermine her, I’m just hoping to help them understand how worried and heartbroken I am, and I want a chance to be able to do anything I can to be there for him. Right now, being told “It’s ok mom, I don’t need you here, I have ‘Jane’” is hard. They know I can up quickly, and that I have the resources for extended stays in hotels to help out.

I will definitely be thinking of ways that I can reach out to her. I’m just hoping that they reach back.

 

[Marie5890]

I guess the long and short of this is that my baby has cancer and I feel like I’m being kept at arm’s length. I really don’t want to undermine her, I’m just hoping to help them understand how worried and heartbroken I am, and I want a chance to be able to do anything I can to be there for him. Right now, being told “It’s ok mom, I don’t need you here, I have ‘Jane’” is hard. They know I can up quickly, and that I have the resources for extended stays in hotels to help out.

I will definitely be thinking of ways that I can reach out to her. I’m just hoping that they reach back.

Of course you hurt and want to do all you can. He is your son, and you want to do what you can.

Even though they are not married, keep in mind the scripture that says

““For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.””

There is wisdom is “letting go” of one’s children when they are grown. It hurts, but it is God’s way.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

But I do feel like she is not his wife, and that as his mother I should have more access to him and be more involved in his care than I have been. I don’t want to cause tension or stress anyone out, but I fear for my son’s health and I want the chance to help him.

I’m just hoping to help them understand how worried and heartbroken I am

Brace yourself. Here is my advice. Please forget the entitlement attitude. Keep your “worry and heartbreak” to yourself. Don’t you realize that such ideas are probably why you have a distant relationship with him? I know that, to you, he will always be your baby, but he is an adult.

At this time, think exclusively about what they need and want, not what you want. The best thing you can do for him is to pray for him morning and night. Write regularly that you are praying for him and are organizing others to do so as well.

 

[Xantippe]

There’s been some very good advice, particularly from BEL and maryjk. I’m sure we’ve all had the experience of people trying to “help” us and wearing us out. I also like the advice (from EasterJoy?) to think about supporting the girlfriend, as she is the caregiver and from various people to think of her as your son’s likely future wife. Definitely open lines of communication with her.

I’ve seen the advice elsewhere that it is actually very burdensome to ask, “What can I do to help?” to somebody who is seriously ill or grieving. That’s one more task that you’re putting on their plate. You have to be functioning pretty well to be able to manage people to help you. I’ve seen it said that it can be more helpful to make concrete offers. “Would it help if I sent restaurant gift cards for places near the hospital?” or “Would it help if I paid for housecleaning help for you?” or “Would it help if I paid for a dog walker?” or “Do you have any financial needs?”

mnmbishop said:

“I’m just hoping to help them understand how worried and heartbroken I am, and I want a chance to be able to do anything I can to be there for him.”

As PaulfromIowa said, it would be a very good idea to try to stifle those particular emotions. They know you are worried and heartbroken, which is why they are keeping you at armslength–worried and heartbroken people are not ideal caregivers.

 

[EasterJoy]

…I’ve seen the advice elsewhere that it is actually very burdensome to ask, “What can I do to help?” to somebody who is seriously ill or grieving. That’s one more task that you’re putting on their plate. You have to be functioning pretty well to be able to manage people to help you. I’ve seen it said that it can be more helpful to make concrete offers. “Would it help if I sent restaurant gift cards for places near the hospital?” or “Would it help if I paid for housecleaning help for you?” or “Would it help if I paid for a dog walker?” or “Do you have any financial needs?”…

Excellent point!

 

[pablope]

I agree with this. My husband is a cancer survivor, and it wasn’t too long ago that he was where your son is, I was where your son’s girlfriend is, and his parents were where you are.

The best thing that you can possibly do in this situation is support the caretaker. Everyone rushes to the aid of the patient, but they are usually too sick and tired to even know what they need help with. It is their caretaker who is doing all of the cooking, cleaning, going to the appointments, communicating updates to friends and family, etc and it is all very exhausting and emotionally draining. Don’t badger your son about helping him, just politely go to his girlfriend and find out what would make her life easier. The best way to help a patient is to make sure that the person taking care of them is doing ok.

I am so sorry. I know how hard it is to watch someone you love battle cancer, especially when it’s someone so young.

I would second this. I just had a very dear friend whose mother was battling cancer for about a year. They were exhausted and spent going to appointments, going to hospitals, and what not.

How did we help? We took care of their kids, cooked food, brought food to the hospital…watched their house…there are lots of things you can do to show your support.

His girlfriend will soon experience how tiring and exhausting this is. Be there so show your support to him by helping her.

 

[PennyinCanada]

Brace yourself. Here is my advice. Please forget the entitlement attitude. Keep your “worry and heartbreak” to yourself. Don’t you realize that such ideas are probably why you have a distant relationship with him? I know that, to you, he will always be your baby, but he is an adult.

At this time, think exclusively about what they need and want, not what you want. The best thing you can do for him is to pray for him morning and night. Write regularly that you are praying for him and are organizing others to do so as well.

The attitude of “I outrank you, I’m his mother” would be a really big distance maker with me and make it uncomfortable to have you around. It’s elevating yourself and diminishing her at the same time. In your son’s life, you must decrease and she must increase, if I can borrow a line from John the Baptist.

I’m sure your son will very much appreciate her being by his side during this very difficult time, and you’re treating her like second class. That won’t be appreciated by either of them. Think about it. He’s probably treating her like a princess and you’re thinking of her like she needs to move over. Be grateful she is at his side, supporting him, and let her know that. This will be very difficult for her too.

I know this will be hard for you. The Blessed Mother will be your help if you ask her.
Sending you a big hug.

 

[Kelfa28]

All of these posts are as good as it gets. Take this advice because nothing leaves a worse taste in someone’s mouth then family help that really isn’t much help at all.

For a little while my MIL was tough to deal with, especially before we were married and we had our first baby. Having her over was difficult because she really didn’t do much of anything.
Lucky for us all, I kept trying and she started to become a very big help for us when the second baby was born. She would do two things that really helped a ton. She’d play with our oldest and she’d periodically put things away and organize as she went about the house. She’d empty the dishwasher, clean the sinks and counters and pick up toys. As a result I would call her more often because she really was a massive help for me. She’s been here this week helping with the kids since I’ve gone through a medical procedure and need time to rest and heal.

Easter Joy, Mary JK, BEL and Xantippe all have outstanding advice that will work.
If I was in the situation your son’s girlfriend was in and my son’s mother did any of the things that were mentioned by them? I’d be calling her for help left and right.

Real help is getting things done that need to get done. Grocery shopping, laundry, dinners, general house cleaning…this is all stuff that is actually helpful. Especially if you show up and just get it done yourself. Ask for a grocery list, ask them what kind of dinners they usually cook. Make things that are freezable. Ask what their favorite wine is or a favorite dessert.