Sigh...Bachelor Parties

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MidnightSun02

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My husband and I haven’t even been married a year yet (one year will be July 7th)…we also have a beautiful baby girl (2 months). One of my husband’s closest friends is getting married next month and there will be a bachelor party in his honor. I’m a little worried. His friend isn’t Catholic and doesn’t really have a strong Christian background. The fellow planning said bachelor party will only give a few details of it but won’t say anything else. That bothers me a little bit. I expressed to my husband that I don’t feel comfortable with him going…especially if there’ll be some hanky panky involved. At the same time I feel bad because it is his very close friend whom he’s known since high school. However, I am not a big fan of bachelor parties given their reputation.

After I talked to my husband about how I felt he immediately called his friend and made up some excuse that he was too busy on that day. Because my husband means so much to him he wanted to move the day to accomodate him. Now my husband is running out of excuses (although I think he really wants to go). And so my husband said right in front of his friend, to me, “The bachelor party has been moved to Sunday.” What am I supposed to say to that?

I love being a mom…but I have had to make a lot of sacrifices for the sake of my daughter. I can’t just go out anymore and bar hop and stay out till the early hours. Those days are over for me. I wasn’t even invited to his fiancee’s bachelorette party and I am really good friends with her. Why? Because I am a new mom and I nurse. I can only be away for a couple hours at a time. Plus, I can’t drink too much and I am not too wild of a girl in the first place. In a way, i think it is unfair that my husband can go out and have a good time and I can’t. And it worries me that there will be some immoral activities that’ll come into place during the course of the evening. I’ve been bitter about the entire situation…I do have a little postpartum depression…I get very weepy from time to time and feel very isolated. I feel this is something else I have to worry about.

I don’t quite know what to do or what the correct thing is to say. I don’t think a faithful Catholic husband and father should be seen at this sort of event but then again I don’t want to seem controlling. I asked my husband to find out exactly what was going on before he decided to join in. If there was some questionable plans then I think he should call it a night. It is not up to me how things are planned for his good friend but my husband can at least leave if it did get a little too crazy…don’t you think?

I would love some advice on this!!! Thank you and God Bless!
 
You should be happy that after expressing your concerns your husband immediately called his friend and tried to cancel but his friend really wants him there and even changed the day. I suggest you give him the benefit of the doubt and encourage him to go, even just for a little while. You never know the party might not be as bad as you think. Try to do something special for yourself too.
 
As an old lady of 50-some years- You have to trust your husband. He has given you every reason to trust him.

If it makes you feel better, sit down with your husband and tell him, “Don’t feel I will think any less of you if you decide to come home early from the bachelor party, particularly if there’s something immoral or uncomfortable.” Give him an out to come home. Tell him if he wants, he can use you as an excuse, even if they think he’s henpecked and you’re a jailer.

You will be happy to know there are men out there nowadays who do* not* think a bachelor party has to include the immoral and the obnoxious. There are guys who have bachelor parties that include 18 holes of golf, a poker party, a video game night, and other activities.

Alcohol in and of itself is not sinful. It is overindulging to the point where one is incapacitated that is the sin. Make sure your husband knows if he reaches this point, you will come get him wherever he is, and not to drink and drive.
 
MidnightSun02 said:
My husband and I haven’t even been married a year yet (one year will be July 7th)…we also have a beautiful baby girl (2 months). One of my husband’s closest friends is getting married next month and there will be a bachelor party in his honor. I’m a little worried. His friend isn’t Catholic and doesn’t really have a strong Christian background. The fellow planning said bachelor party will only give a few details of it but won’t say anything else. That bothers me a little bit. I expressed to my husband that I don’t feel comfortable with him going…especially if there’ll be some hanky panky involved. At the same time I feel bad because it is his very close friend whom he’s known since high school. However, I am not a big fan of bachelor parties given their reputation.

After I talked to my husband about how I felt he immediately called his friend and made up some excuse that he was too busy on that day. Because my husband means so much to him he wanted to move the day to accomodate him. Now my husband is running out of excuses (although I think he really wants to go). And so my husband said right in front of his friend, to me, “The bachelor party has been moved to Sunday.” What am I supposed to say to that?

I love being a mom…but I have had to make a lot of sacrifices for the sake of my daughter. I can’t just go out anymore and bar hop and stay out till the early hours. Those days are over for me. I wasn’t even invited to his fiancee’s bachelorette party and I am really good friends with her. Why? Because I am a new mom and I nurse. I can only be away for a couple hours at a time. Plus, I can’t drink too much and I am not too wild of a girl in the first place. In a way, i think it is unfair that my husband can go out and have a good time and I can’t. And it worries me that there will be some immoral activities that’ll come into place during the course of the evening. I’ve been bitter about the entire situation…I do have a little postpartum depression…I get very weepy from time to time and feel very isolated. I feel this is something else I have to worry about.

I don’t quite know what to do or what the correct thing is to say. I don’t think a faithful Catholic husband and father should be seen at this sort of event but then again I don’t want to seem controlling. I asked my husband to find out exactly what was going on before he decided to join in. If there was some questionable plans then I think he should call it a night. It is not up to me how things are planned for his good friend but my husband can at least leave if it did get a little too crazy…don’t you think?

I would love some advice on this!!! Thank you and God Bless!
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You husband is a father and husband.
Trust him that he will already know that its expected as the very least that he will get out of the situation if it turns out immoral.
Bachelor party or no bachelor party… I knew I would not be with a type of man who went to get drunk with his buddies or see strippers…
It seems like the others here think that given its a bachelor party some totally sinful behaviour is suddenly okay… What is that all about?
Dont go telling your self that you are just depressed, isolated and nitty… no… You have a right to demand dignity and respect from your husband, both towards you, your child and himself.
If he is a serious Catholic he will know that Christ’s law and example is present at all times…

As for you… you are jealous it seems… Inside you long to go to bars and drink … Why not get some new friends and some better interests … interests worthy of a disciple of Jesus…
 
GraceDK said:
It seems like the others here think that given its a bachelor party some totally sinful behaviour is suddenly okay… What is that all about? Excuse me? How could you possibly say that?

I ask because there are only two posts at present besides yours and the OP, and one of them is mine- which gives no indication that I take it for granted there will be an immoral or drunken party, merely how to handle the possible event. Your assumption is simply wrong. Given that I am old enough to be your mother, and probably the OP’s mother as well, I think I have experience on my side.

The OP is concerned about immorality, and I addressed that possibility, as it seems that is what concerns her. If the OP will not address the issues that concern her with her husband, then whatever the poor man does will fall to ruin. He can’t win for losing. If she lets her husband know that she backs him should the party turn bad and he has to leave, or that his willpower falters, she will be in better shape than imagining all sorts of bad things happening at the party.

I also mentioned that in the 21st century, as in “nowadays” men, particularly men in the US, don’t feel the need to have a stripper and drink until passed-out drunk. I mentioned several party events which are not sinful. Further, despite what others think, drinking is not illegal, and alcohol is not sinful. It is only when drinking past hilarity that it can become such.
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My father’s bachelor party – some 44 years ago, mind – consisted of he, his brothers and brothers-in-law, a few friends, and my mom’s father, gathered together for a few hands of cards.

A friend of mine back in NF – his bachelor party (about 10 or so years ago) consisted of him and his friends sitting around and chatting over soft drinks (none of them really drank, other than the odd beer once in a while, altho’ I believe one was a total Mountain Dew fiend).

I went to a bachelor party for one of my colleagues in my squadron. We basically sat around, had a few beers, ate pizza, and shot the breeze. Those who were inclined to drink or get “up to something” went downtown afterward; those of use who didn’t, left and went home. No one ever made any bones about who went where or who left early.
 
Talk with your husband, make sure he knows that he can call you and you will come get him if he needs a ride.

The suggestions of “trust him” - well, mine would have been shaken a bit when he did not speak frankly to his buddy at the first conversation.

Here is how my DH would have handled the call:

“Bachelor party, before we make solid plans, I want to make sure I’m clear. I won’t go to any strip club, if strippers or porn is part of the party somewhere else, I’m leaving. If you still want your prude Catholic buddy there, then, let’s have a great time.”
 
As a husband of 15 years, father, and someone who has attended only 2 bachelor parties, I can express my limited experience.

Let me qualify saying I hate them. I didn’t have one nor did my wife have one for the ladies. I really don’t see the point and age/lifestyle leading up to it is irrelevant.

That being said… Going to one should not imply participation in “immoral” activities. I for one have yet to attend one of these when “immoral” activities have taken place. That means by my definition - anyone attending (for a short time or otherwise) that is anyone other than a man doing anything sexual in nature. There wasn’t a nude body or picture or movie/video to be found. There was alcohol but no one forcing anyone to drink. Since I had the keys, I personally drank soda and water without anything to “spruce” them up.

However, when the specific “organized” parties did break up, the people that wanted to go to the places that do “immoral” things did such that at which time I drove home.

If any immoral things did take place, honestly, I’d hope I’d of had enough since to leave at that point since I can’t stand any of that nonsense taking place.

It’s a choice that a responsible person will make on their own. So far as you trust your husband and his responsible approach to life, I’d stop worrying about it.

When you cease your nursing responsibilities, you may want to consider regaining some activity occasionally outside the home as you seem (but I may be interpreting it wrong) to gain a balance which may prove beneficial to yourself, husband and child.
 
GraceDK said:
Y
It seems like the others here think that given its a bachelor party some totally sinful behaviour is suddenly okay… What is that all about?
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It seems your are reading something into our posts that we never wrote what is that all about? Are you trolling or just misreading? I never wrote that because it is a bachelor party sinful behavior is ok. I wrote that she should give him the benefit of the doubt meaning he knows what he should and should not be doing, and that the party might not be as bad as she thinks. By which I mean they go golfing or play cards and there are no strip clubs etc.

To the OP talk to him, trust him, and do something nice for yourself.
 
The one thing that is concerning is that the planner is vague and evasive about what they will be doing. This, in my experience, means he has something up his sleeve and it’s not G-rated. If it were a golf outing, going to a baseball game, etc, then he’d come out and say so. The fact that he won’t say what they will be doing or where they’ll be going is troubling.

What is your DH’s take on the situation, aside from your own reservations? What are HIS thoughts on the subject?

I don’t think he handled it well by making up an excuse. Honesty is always the best policy.

BTW, you are off-base to frame it as he shouldn’t go because you don’t get to go anywhere. That is nonsense and sounds like a 12 year old complaining they never get to do anything. It’s not likely to help your situation any.

If you are experiencing PP depression, get treatment for it if you haven’t already.
 
The bachelor party was moved to Sunday? Seems like the best excuse yet–Sunday seems kind of a very inappropriate day to attend a bachelor party. How about, “I work five days a week and Sunday is for my family?”

Glad
 
I have a friend who went through almost the same ordeal-- new mom, w/ her husband going to the bachelor party of a sorta wild, secular friend.

Her husband is NOT a bad guy by any stretch. But even great, Catholic men who are devout husbands can have a hard time standing up to their buddies in a situation like this.

My friend’s husband swore over and over to her before the party that if there was anything immoral, he would go to a different bar and get a drink alone while the other guests went to the strip club. Well guess, what? All the guys rented some van to drive them around town together and when the van pulled up to a topless place, he didn’t have the courage to say to 12 other guys, “sorry, this is no place for a real man to be!” So he went in. My friend found out about it when he “confessed” a few days later. She was heart-broken! She was a new mom and trusted her husband to do the right thing, which proved to be too hard for him. 😦 He also told her that there was a some soft-core spring break- type video playing in the limo of topless girls and he made a joke about it being immature and “tried not to look.” But again, did not insist that it be turned off.

It is not an easy thing to stand up for your beliefs, especially in a situation like this with “old friends.”

I would encourage the OP’s husband to find out EXACTLY what is going on BEFORE the party. And stating point-blank to the host “I know you may not understand this, but I can’t be involved with any strippers, adult entertainment, etc. I have a wife and kid, and its just against my beliefs.” That was if there is that sort of “entertainment” planned, hopefully the host will say so, and voila, no excuse needed for not attending. Honesty is usually the best policy.
 
1ke said:
The one thing that is concerning is that the planner is vague and evasive about what they will be doing. This, in my experience, means he has something up his sleeve and it’s not G-rated. If it were a golf outing, going to a baseball game, etc, then he’d come out and say so. The fact that he won’t say what they will be doing or where they’ll be going is troubling.

What is your DH’s take on the situation, aside from your own reservations? What are HIS thoughts on the subject?

I don’t think he handled it well by making up an excuse. Honesty is always the best policy.

BTW, you are off-base to frame it as he shouldn’t go because you don’t get to go anywhere. That is nonsense and sounds like a 12 year old complaining they never get to do anything. It’s not likely to help your situation any.

If you are experiencing PP depression, get treatment for it if you haven’t already.
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I don’t think that that is what the OP was saying! I understand what it’s like to always be one who has to stay behind. It does get hard, especially adjusting after your first baby and if you are naturally a very social person.

I think what the OP meant (and correct me, OP, if I am wrong) is that it would be salt in the wound if she (always the one to stay behind) is home taking care of the baby, being a good mom, and her husband is out “up to no good” so to speak at some sleazy bachelor party. He should not only avoid such things because of his faith, but also because of his respect for his wife and her feelings. She is at home being the dutiful wife and mother, he should not even think about placing himself in a possible near-occasion of sin.
 
My husbands been to a couple. Every one he knew EXACTLY what was going on before he went. One a striper came and he left, the other at the end a lot of the guys went to a strip club and he came home. I know he finds the idea of that stuff just repulsive. One night we were talking about it after some of his “friends” from work went to a club, he was like, “Why would I want that in my face, who knows where its been!”

If the host can tell him whats going on and he has the freedom to leave if things get dodgie then I personally don’t have an issue with my husband doing that short of thing.
 
Several posters seem to have misunderstood Midnight Sun’s comments that she is struggling with the fact that her husband has the freedom to go out while she doesn’t. She is not complaining childishly, nor does she “long” to go out drinking at the bars 🙂 Correct me if I’m wrong OP, but it seems to me that you are just still adjusting to the major changes in your life since your baby was born. This is not a character flaw. It may be a sign of postpartum depression (I think it was for me), but it doesn’t mean you are a bad person. In fact, it doesn’t even mean that you want anything in your life to change. I’m guessing you don’t really want to go out on the town, but you miss feeling included/feeling like “everyone else.” IMO this is common for young moms b/c fewer young women are choosing to get married and start families early in life. So it can be an adjustment when you are the only person in your group of friends who is at this place in life. You are probably getting used to the changes and struggling with the fact that it doesn’t feel like your husband’s life has changed as dramatically. As I said, I experienced this too. It helped me to talk to a counselor. It also helped me to realize that my husband’s life really was changed as dramatically as mine was (less free time at home, more pressure to provide for the family, etc.) I really encourage you to talk to someone about your feelings b/c it will really help.

In terms of the bachelor party, I would express your feelings to your husband and talk about ways to get out of the situation if he needs to. He may be feeling excited to get some time with his buddies and really want to go. I would be feeling nervous like you, but he will ultimately have to be the one to go or stay…
 
Peach0218 said:
Several posters seem to have misunderstood Midnight Sun’s comments that she is struggling with the fact that her husband has the freedom to go out while she doesn’t. She is not complaining childishly, nor does she “long” to go out drinking at the bars 🙂 Correct me if I’m wrong OP, but it seems to me that you are just still adjusting to the major changes in your life since your baby was born. This is not a character flaw. It may be a sign of postpartum depression (I think it was for me), but it doesn’t mean you are a bad person. In fact, it doesn’t even mean that you want anything in your life to change. I’m guessing you don’t really want to go out on the town, but you miss feeling included/feeling like “everyone else.” IMO this is common for young moms b/c fewer young women are choosing to get married and start families early in life. So it can be an adjustment when you are the only person in your group of friends who is at this place in life. You are probably getting used to the changes and struggling with the fact that it doesn’t feel like your husband’s life has changed as dramatically. QUOTE]

This is exactly how I felt as well! I was 22 when I had my first child and now at 27 have 3. None of my friends had kids for the first several years of our marriage. So when everyone went out for drinks, or whatever, I was the only one who could not go. I didn’t want my husband to miss out, so of course I let him go with them. I didn’t have ppd, but I do think it was a little difficult adjusting. Many men do have less to sacrifice in this regard after their kids are born.

OP, you are not being “childish” or anything like that. I know just what you are feeling, as I have been there myself. Things will get better, especially as your friends start marrying and having their own children. Then they will be asking you for advice since you will be the experienced parent! You probably will no longer feel left out.
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I think there are at least two separate issues here.

First, the OP seems a bit resentful that her husband is still able to go out and have a fun evening with friends, while she has to stay home to nurse the baby. The OP mentions that post-partum depression may play a role in her feelings. This is something to talk to your husband about (and your doctor if depression is involved), regardless of the issues related to the bachelor party. You may need to give yourself permission to take an occassional break and do some things that you enjoy. Tell your husband what you need him to do to help make that happen.

Second, there is the issue of whether any immoral activity will be part of the bachelor party. Several posters seem to question why anyone needs a bachelor party at all, and assume that all of them involve something immoral.

I can just speak from my own experience having attended bachelor parties for several friends who have gotten married in the last few years. These events involved such wild and questionable activities as:
  1. A night at a friend’s house playing cards and watching movies
  2. An evening of bowling, followed by a trip to the horse-race track.
  3. An afternoon of golf followed by a barbecue in the park
All of these events involved a mixture of non-drinkers and social drinkers, so there was some drinking, but nothing excessive. Knowing the character of the people involved, I was pretty sure that nothing immoral would be involved in any of these events, and I was not disappointed. In one case, the event itself was a complete surprise to the groom, and in another case he knew the date but not the details of the planned activities. So not not assume that just because the details are fuzy something immoral is planned.

I would argue that such events are important. As people get older, get married, and start families, it is more difficult to keep up relationships with close friends from earlier times in life. A party before the wedding gives the friends of the groom a chance to relax, enjoy each others company, reminisce, and celebrate. The wedding reception itself is often too large and too formal for the guests of honor to spend any meaningful time with their friends.

As far as the OP’s husband’s situation goes, he may not be as certain of the honorable intentions of those in charge of the party. He has a fine line to walk between holding his ground and being paranoid. I would suggest that he simply let the planner know that he is looking forward to the party but doesn’t want to be involved in anything immoral. As a back-up plan he should make sure he has a way to get home if things cross a moral line. Your husband sounds like he has good judgetment. Trust him to exercise it and just make sure he has a way home if things get out of hand.
 
How about this? Agree thhat DH can go to the party, hang out with friends, and drink a few beers. BUT if strippers show up or anything else disgusting happens, he agrees to leave and call a cab to come home.
 
duskyjewel said:
How about this? Agree thhat DH can go to the party, hang out with friends, and drink a few beers. BUT if strippers show up or anything else disgusting happens, he agrees to leave and call a cab to come home.
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Actually, how’s about this if the OP has post-partum depression.

“Guys, you know we have a new baby and my wife has been depressed lately. Therefore, I’m going to bring my own car and hope to stay a few hours but don’t know how long I’ll be able to stay. My wife takes precedence. Also, since I’m not a fan of strip clubs, I’ll cut out if we go to them, too.”

This gives him a nice way to have his own car, and another reason to leave early which helps support the “leaving for immoral activities” which his friends might try to pressure him into. Not that he should shy away from his Catholic beliefs. But to be perfectly frank, sometimes another reason is needed with those who have no respect for Catholic beliefs and would hound him unremittingly.
 
Good evening. I’m a 26 year old single male. I come from a large family (mom comes from 12, dad from 15, over 80 first cousins. People are getting married frequently and when I was in high school and college, I was exposed to a few bachelor parties and I enjoyed them at the time.

However, I dated a girl who was a strong Christian when I was 22 We got into an argument (can’t remember about what) in which somehow she responded something like, “I would prefer if my husband doesn’t attend bachelor parties because he loves me and wouldn’t want to make me feel like I wasn’t enough for him. I wouldn’t have a problem if he went, but I know what goes on, so I would hope that I marry a husband who would walk away from a party when things get out of hand”

When she told me this, I was so mad at first because I did think she was trying to control me. But, since we ended things (not over this issue haha) I’ve matured a little and I realized that she was saying it out of love. I’ve realized that if I stayed at the bachelor party during the “crazy” times, I would be trampling my wife and the “oneness” that we share in our marriage.

It took a few years for me to understand this, so I would encourage you to just explain to him out of love the feelings that you have and why you don’t want him to be around.
But, please be patient and pray. I wish I learned this lesson right away, but I was a little hard headed.

I’ll be praying for you and your husband.
Stay strong!
God Bless
Pete
 
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