Sigh...Bachelor Parties

[duskyjewel]

I was thinkin’ if he’s drinkin’ beers, he shouldn’t drive.

 

[Peach0218]

I just wanted to add that I second whoever said you should do something fun while he is at the party. Try to get together w/ friends or family. If you can’t then maybe plan a little night of favorites for yourself. Rent a fun movie, have hubby pick you up a fun dessert from a bakery or something, order dinner in, etc. Just something to focus on that will give you a chance to relax.

And I agree with everything Thomas said. DH’s bachelor party is one of his favorite memories. He played paintball and grilled out with a bunch of friends, and he is actually disappointed that my soon-to-be BIL doesn’t want a party! So they can be fun bonding experiences as well.

Hope you are feeling better about it…

 

[beckyann2597]

I understand your concerns. When I was married, “the guys” hired a stripper for my husband’s bachelor party. It caught my husband by surprise and he didn’t want to make a big scene by leaving, and the girl did her thing. He told me the next day. I had specifically told his friends NOT to do this, and I felt that they disrespected me by going against my wishes. It was a week before our wedding and I seriously considered calling the whole thing off. I felt that I had been cheated on and I harbored a lot of resentment for years after ward. I still will never trust “the guys”, and I only now trust my husband completly about these things.

That was 12 years ago and none of “the guys” are still in our life. When my husband’s best friend from HS got married 8 years ago, DH was in charge of planning the party. His fiance was also very worried and I made it clear that no “entertainment” was to be hired on our dime. If he wanted to stay friends with this guy, he had to make the wife to be happy too. If someone else made the call, I expected him to leave as soon as it was made known. He assured me and the fiance-- in front of his BF- that there would be no entertainment of that sort, and there wasn’t.

They went out to a club and a casino. He came home with a few funny stories of too drunk people at the bar, but nothing horrible happened.

 

[beckyann2597]

I think it was wise for you to speak with your husband about your concerns. I think you should also have some sort of plan in case something undesirable does occur. If a stripper shows up at the door, then that would be a good time for your husband to quietly leave to get some more ice , soda or beer from the store.
If they are barhopping and stop at a Strip club, your husband might “feel sick” and have to stay out with the car so he doesn’t throw up inside, or he can duck into the bar down the street until its time to meet up with the group again.

If the two of you have an escape plan for him, it makes it easier for him to escape. Sometimes if we are caught off guard with a situation, i is hard to think on your feet.

Also, does his friend know about your husband’s moral standings? If he tells him beforehand that he won’t go there, it might be better. If he says “this is what I believe in” and not “my wife won’t let me” he will look like a real man and not whipped.

 

[Ghoti]

I think it was wise for you to speak with your husband about your concerns. I think you should also have some sort of plan in case something undesirable does occur. If a stripper shows up at the door, then that would be a good time for your husband to quietly leave to get some more ice , soda or beer from the store.
If they are barhopping and stop at a Strip club, **your husband might “feel sick” **and have to stay out with the car so he doesn’t throw up inside, or he can duck into the bar down the street until its time to meet up with the group again.

If the two of you have an escape plan for him, it makes it easier for him to escape. Sometimes if we are caught off guard with a situation, i is hard to think on your feet.

I don’t think lying is any better, from a Catholic standpoint – I have learned through other threads here that the CCC is unequivocal in its condemnation of lying under any circumstance, even to save another person’s life; so doing so to salvage one’s image would be even less justifiable.

Also, does his friend know about your husband’s moral standings? If he tells him beforehand that he won’t go there, it might be better. If he says “this is what I believe in” and not “my wife won’t let me” he will look like a real man and not whipped.

I think this would be the better and more courageous approach. Not only does one not look “whipped”, but also one does not appear to be intimidated by peer pressure. Who knows: your courage may bolster someone else’s, who also did not want to participate but may not have been brave enough to stand up alone.

 

[GraceDK]

I find it rather sad if Catholic women have to tell their husbands how to act… and how not to …
Cant men figure out themselves that being with strippers and getting drunk is not a behaviour for a Christian man, regardless of the circumstance and whether he is married or not?

For those very indignated posters at the beginning.
What really caught my eye was the “come and pick up your husband if he has gotten too much to drink” logic… Whoa…

I’d say the problem is not the bachelor party but - hypothetically - the character of a husband who has to be picked up by his nursing wife because he cant drive, who has to lie to get out of a situation with his buddies (shouldn’t they already know him as a Christian man?) and who might not be trusted to leave if strippers or porn movies show up at the party… That is the problem here as I see it…
Since the OP is worried then the alarm bells are ringing on a more generel level: Cant her husband be trusted?.. is there reason to be anxious… is there reason to believe he would not respect the Lord, himself and his family because of a bit of peer pressure…?

…

 

[ElizabethAnne]

Who knows: your courage may bolster someone else’s, who also did not want to participate but may not have been brave enough to stand up alone.

I could not agree more. So often there are others who are just as uncomfortable with the idea.

 

[Joe_5859]

In one case, the event itself was a complete surprise to the groom, and in another case he knew the date but not the details of the planned activities. So not not assume that just because the details are fuzy something immoral is planned.

That’s a good point (I also kept the details secret when planning my brother’s bachelor party and all we did was go play laser tag), but that really only works to explain why things are kept secret from the groom-to-be. It doesn’t explain why the planner would keep it a secret from everyone else (including the OP’s husband). Of course, if the event is more than a week away, it could be that the planner himself is still fuzzy on the details! It’s not unheard of for a guy to procrastinate and wait till the last minute to throw something together (or maybe that’s just me ).

Of course, the words “bachelor party” in our culture do carry with them the association of “strippers”. I think the important question for the OP to ask her husband is, does he think it’s wrong to look at women strip? If he has no problem with it, there’s probably a larger issue that needs to be addressed. If he does have a problem with it, then it wouldn’t hurt to talk about what he plans to do if that situation presents itself (which certainly is a real possibility, even if not a certainty).

I certainly don’t think it’s unreasonable for any wife to not want her husband to view a strip show. If anything, it would be odd for a wife not to have a problem with it. The OP is certainly not out of line to ask her husband not to participate in such activity. Of course, the best thing is to talk it out beforehand and trust your husband to do the right thing. And it’s important to discuss beforehand to make sure you both are on the same page as to what the right thing is.

When I was a teenager and a family member had one of those kind of bachelor parties, my brother and I went upstairs and watched TV, a fact which I am still reminded of by this family member. I think it’s a good witness, but I can only imagine what I would have done had my brother not been there to accompany me in our boycott. It’s difficult to be the odd one out, but someone has to make the first move, and he may be surprised to find that other guys are also opposed to the idea.

 

[Norseman82]

How about this as a solution…

Have you husband offer to supply the stripper…and then he can go to Home Depot and get a can of paint stripper and present it to the groom: “here’s your stripper”.

(I actually did that once for a charismatic Catholic friend of mine, and we all had a good laugh - including his wife).

 

[beckyann2597]

I don’t think lying is any better, from a Catholic standpoint – I have learned through other threads here that the CCC is unequivocal in its condemnation of lying under any circumstance, even to save another person’s life; so doing so to salvage one’s image would be even less justifiable.

Although I won’t disagree with you about the lying, I think that making an excuse not to go into a bad place is not the same as lying in a situation like this.
If the real reason you don’t want to go into the “Gentlemens club” is “If I go in there, I will be sick because I find this place so morally repulsive.”, then you can do what what my mom suggested.
My mom always told me that you could say the first part out loud and the second part in your head.
I know you all are totally going to disagree with me that this isn’t lying, but in my mind it is the moral equivalent of biting my tongue.

 

[duskyjewel]

For those very indignated posters at the beginning.
What really caught my eye was the “come and pick up your husband if he has gotten too much to drink” logic… Whoa…

I’d say the problem is not the bachelor party but - hypothetically - the character of a husband who has to be picked up by his nursing wife because he cant drive,

Strippers are immoral, no argument there. But drinking beers with his buddies… I see no problem with that. Even if he gets a little tipsy. My DH enjoys beer and drinks more socially than he does at home. I would have absolutely no problem with him going to an event with the understanding that if he has too many, I need to come pick him up. I would much rather he do that than drive under the influence or get into a car with someone else doing the same. Being a nursing mother does not make it impossible to drive… it’s not like she’s disabled or chained to the house by that fact.

Regular heavy drinking with bad decision making is a problem. Episodic binge drinking with bad behavior is a problem. A guy who rarely drinks to excess calling his wife to ask for a safe ride home? No problem.

Part of our duties as wives is to care for our husbands. We should encourage healthy friendships and help our guys when they ask us to.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Exactly right, dusky.

Drinking alcohol in and of itself is not sinful. Catholics are not some form of Baptists who think ALL drinking is sinful. And if the OP was worried her husband would suddenly become a drinking fool (he seems like such a nice young man, yet she thought the worst), it’s better to talk about it beforehand and state “Honey, if you get blitzed, I’ll drive you home” than to say, “Don’t get drunk or I’ll scream and yell and carry on like a wounded hyena”.

To my mind, the OP and several others thought more about the bachelor party might be, stereotypically, and not what it propably will be- without any real proof.

 

[whatevergirl]

To the OP;

I think that your husband most likely won’t go…even though you feel he might want to…the bottom line is, he shouldn’t go. Period. When we’re all kids, we can act like kids, and make decisions that are reflective of kids…but as married men and women, I have an expectation and so does my husband, of how we are to behave as married people. My husband wouldn’t want me hanging out at a bar with girlfriends, getting drunk, potentially driving home…and carrying on like I’m in a girls gone wild video, no more than I would want him going to a bachelor party, at a strip club. These should be givens. It is not too much to ask of a husband and wife to expect one another to not partake of such immature and reckless behavior–and I’m not a prude. When we were first married, I was pretty liberal with much–but as my husband and I have matured, we both agree-married men and women don’t belong in situations that are unbecoming of a Christian. Period.

Actions speak louder than words. If I say I’m Catholic, yet I’m hanging out with my gf’s in a bar drinking to wee hours of the morning, I don’t walk the talk. If my husband says he is Catholic, and then goes with his buds to a strip joint…again, not walking the talk. Can’t have it both ways.

Your husband should not go, and you should not feel badly about stating your opinion on it. If he really wants to go, I would wonder why that is…that is not behavior that a married man should be exhibiting…but you know this! lol You and he sound to have a very good marriage–I have great faith and hope that this will all work out for the best.

But be strong, and don’t feel badly about asking him not to go.