{sigh} Man problem

[DeniseNY]

I guess it’s not really a “problem”; more of a disappointment, maybe.

I’ve kind of been doing a smiling, saying “hi” thing with someone at the Mass I attend each weekday. On Friday, I noticed that he was really looking at me a lot duirng Mass. I can tell because we made eye contact several times. We’d kind of make eye contact, smile a little, then look away again. I wasn’t sure of how appropiate it is because well, first of all it’s Mass; and secondly he’s an assistant at Mass! Friday was actually kind of uncomfortable because I was thinking “are we just going to keep looking at each other ,or are our minds really on Mass”?

Well, today was even more uncomfortable because… wait for it…

He was wearing a ring!

I KNOW I would have noticed this before. Maybe he got married over the weekend? I’d like to think that I hadn’t been (for lack of a better word) “flirting” with a married man in Church!

Like I said, it’s not so much a problem. He’s married, so the flirting and little smiles are over. It’s just disappointing.

Sigh.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Maybe he’s not married, but discerning the priesthood? Or becoming a Deacon? And he found himself attracted to you but needed to signal that he’s not available…And remind himself of his discernment?

I’m sorry this happened, just another perspective on why.

 

[Winter_Warlock]

Denise,

It is a shame that someone who has a ring would remove it at anytime but especially at Church. But you are doing the right thing with the no more smiles. As it would have been – if he did get married over the weekend most likely he would have been on a honeymoon, so I would suspect my first comment that he has been removing his ring or just not wearing it at all.

Do not take his actions as something that was your fault. As for “flirting” in Church, my opinion (and I may be wrong) was not really flirting. As a smile and glance is not like carrying on a conversation while mass is going on. I have seen that many a time also.

Hope this helps. May God Bless and keep you always.

Winter

 

[Smugleaf]

Obviously I have no way of knowing what the ring was about, but has it occurred to you that maybe he was just being friendly? I make eye contact and smile at people of various sexes quite often. It means nothing but “hello, we are in the same place and our eyes met, good day to you sir/madam”.

Obviously this is up to your discretion and if you find anything to be inappropriate, this is your prerogative. Better safe than sorry

 

[SwizzleStick]

Obviously I have no way of knowing what the ring was about, but has it occurred to you that maybe he was just being friendly? I make eye contact and smile at people of various sexes quite often. It means nothing but “hello, we are in the same place and our eyes met, good day to you sir/madam”.

Obviously this is up to your discretion and if you find anything to be inappropriate, this is your prerogative. Better safe than sorry

This. I smile at a lot of different people at Mass too, men, women and children, usually during the sign of peace, though at other times too if I happen to make eye contact. It means nothing more than I am saying “hello” to my fellow parishioners.

 

[Elisabeth51]

This. I smile at a lot of different people at Mass too, men, women and children, usually during the sign of peace, though at other times too if I happen to make eye contact. It means nothing more than I am saying “hello” to my fellow parishioners.

Same here…smiling and saying hello is being friendly.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

I KNOW I would have noticed this before. Maybe he got married over the weekend? I’d like to think that I hadn’t been (for lack of a better word) “flirting” with a married man in Church!

I’m sorry, Denise. :console:

For what it’s worth, there are any number of reasons why a married man or woman wouldn’t wear a ring. They’re not always trying to be duplicitous. My husband lost significant amount of weight last year, and now his difficult-to-successfully-resize tungsten wedding band slides on and off his finger readily. Sometimes he doesn’t wear it. Sometimes he wears around the chain that holds his St. Joseph the Worker medal (and I tease him that he’s going steady with me). Sometimes he wears it on the third finger of his right hand, German-style.

And I’m worse than he is. I typically don’t wear my wedding band around the house, and there has been more than one day I’ve gone to work or out to run errands and left it on the bathroom vanity. One day I went out to lunch with my mother-in-law, and she asked me several times if things were Okay between Mr. Lovecraft and me. And a couple of hours later my husband called me to ask me to please wear my wedding band around my MIL because she though we were having problems or thinking of splitting up.

I guess one way to resolve this issue is to just ask him if he’s married. Granted it’s a bit forthright, but at least you’d know.

Luna

 

[DeniseNY]

Thanks, everyone. I had thought that perhaps I was misinterpreting it, but since it happened so often during Mass, it did seem like more than general friendliness. Whatever the case may be, it doesn’t matter now. If we happen to make eye contact, I’ll be polite, but nothing more.

 

[Bezant]

I guess it’s not really a “problem”; more of a disappointment, maybe.

I’ve kind of been doing a smiling, saying “hi” thing with someone at the Mass I attend each weekday. On Friday, I noticed that he was really looking at me a lot duirng Mass. I can tell because we made eye contact several times. We’d kind of make eye contact, smile a little, then look away again. I wasn’t sure of how appropiate it is because well, first of all it’s Mass; and secondly he’s an assistant at Mass! Friday was actually kind of uncomfortable because I was thinking “are we just going to keep looking at each other ,or are our minds really on Mass”?

Well, today was even more uncomfortable because… wait for it…

He was wearing a ring!

I KNOW I would have noticed this before. Maybe he got married over the weekend? I’d like to think that I hadn’t been (for lack of a better word) “flirting” with a married man in Church!

Like I said, it’s not so much a problem. He’s married, so the flirting and little smiles are over. It’s just disappointing.

Sigh.

We have a breach of modesty!

(Just kidding)

I understand you must be gutted and embarrassed, but assuming he is married all you made was an honest mistake.

I guess one way to resolve this issue is to just ask him if he’s married. Granted it’s a bit forthright, but at least you’d know.
Luna

It might be less awkward if you asked him, “How’s your family?”

 

[nickybr38]

It’s always disappointing to realize someone you were interested in isn’t available but that’s what we singles just have to learn to deal with.

Shake it off. Let it go. Trust the Lord and move on.

 

[mcrow]

I’m not sure if I’d think too much of it. I often have a lady at mass look at me and smile but I just assume it’s being friendly. Also the ring may or may not mean much. Perhaps he’s a widower and chooses to wear his ring in remembrance of his wife? Could be other reasons for the ring as well.

I guess to me, simply smiling and making eye contact does not mean a man is interested in you romantically. Now if he approaches you after mass or something like that then there may be something to it.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

A couple years ago there was this woman at work that would flirt with me from afar, doing the same type of things. I was engaged at the time, but not married. I always smiled or winked right back at her. I thought we were just being playful and friendly, but then I found out she actually had flirtatious intentions.

When I thought back on it, it was obvious, but at the time I truly didn’t believe it was like that. I can be dense like that at times, and I’m sure there are other men who have the same problem.

Nevertheless, I’m sorry to hear about your story

 

[mcrow]

A couple years ago there was this woman at work that would flirt with me from afar, doing the same type of things. I was engaged at the time, but not married. I always smiled or winked right back at her. I thought we were just being playful and friendly, but then I found out she actually had flirtatious intentions.

When I thought back on it, it was obvious, but at the time I truly didn’t believe it was like that. I can be dense like that at times, and I’m sure there are other men who have the same problem.

Nevertheless, I’m sorry to hear about your story

That’s funny because I’m the same way. There was a time when the wife and I were at the store and I went through the line by myself while she took our daughter to the front of the store just in front of the register. My daughter had too much energy to wait in line. Meanwhile this lady in line behind me started talking to me and I just thought she was just being friendly. However, my wife later pointed out that the lady was flipping her hair and that when she said “you look like you lift weights” that, that was hitting on me. Went right over my head.

 

[dixieagle]

That’s funny because I’m the same way. There was a time when the wife and I were at the store and I went through the line by myself while she took our daughter to the front of the store just in front of the register. My daughter had too much energy to wait in line. Meanwhile this lady in line behind me started talking to me and I just thought she was just being friendly. However, my wife later pointed out that the lady was flipping her hair and that when she said “you look like you lift weights” that, that was hitting on me. Went right over my head.

Men can be a little dense like that. (Especially good, married men who wouldn’t think of flirting with anyone.) I have one of those.

 

[nickybr38]

Girls aren’t ALWAYS flirting seriously though, sometimes it’s just for fun.

There was a fellow who used to come through my line at work all the time. He and I would tease each other (non-romantic flirting is teasing, to me. ). I knew he was with a woman. I had no intentions of things going ANY farther… and we never crossed the line from innocent flirting to more serious flirting…

but one day his girlfriend came through with him and he started our usual banter and she. flipped. out. It was horrible.

But I can say for certain I had NO intentions of trying to ‘steal her man’ and I’m 100% certain he was just having fun with me, nothing serious.

sigh

 

[mcrow]

Men can be a little dense like that. (Especially good, married men who wouldn’t think of flirting with anyone.) I have one of those.

I’m about as dense as it gets when it comes to that. In high school way back when I had a very forward girl approach me and I still didn’t get it until my friends pointed out what whe meant about “hanging out”. Probably beter that I didn’t get it anyway.

 

[chevalier]

I guess it’s not really a “problem”; more of a disappointment, maybe.

I’ve kind of been doing a smiling, saying “hi” thing with someone at the Mass I attend each weekday. On Friday, I noticed that he was really looking at me a lot duirng Mass. I can tell because we made eye contact several times. We’d kind of make eye contact, smile a little, then look away again. I wasn’t sure of how appropiate it is because well, first of all it’s Mass; and secondly he’s an assistant at Mass! Friday was actually kind of uncomfortable because I was thinking “are we just going to keep looking at each other ,or are our minds really on Mass”?

Well, today was even more uncomfortable because… wait for it…

He was wearing a ring!

I KNOW I would have noticed this before. Maybe he got married over the weekend? I’d like to think that I hadn’t been (for lack of a better word) “flirting” with a married man in Church!

Like I said, it’s not so much a problem. He’s married, so the flirting and little smiles are over. It’s just disappointing.

Sigh.

Denise, the kind of eye contact and other benevelent interest that you describe does normally tend to be associated with a man being interested in a woman (or vice versa) but it needn’t necessarily be romantic. It may well be friendly.

Also, you can’t really tell the exact nature of a ring from distance. Rarely, but sometimes men wear other rings than wedding rings (family heirlooms, class graduation rings, military rings, ring-form rosaries).

For the record, there’s been a metric ton of such behaviours from women that I’ve interpreted as signs of interest in me and been wrong about it.

While you can read people to some extent in terms of romantic interest (and their momentary impulses are easier to read than their more permanent attitudes), it’s safer not to make any conclusions before you get it in writing after properly mirandising the perp. Okay, scratch that last part. It’s safer not to make any conclusions before the other person actually says it openly.

 

[chevalier]

Girls aren’t ALWAYS flirting seriously though, sometimes it’s just for fun.

There was a fellow who used to come through my line at work all the time. He and I would tease each other (non-romantic flirting is teasing, to me. ). I knew he was with a woman. I had no intentions of things going ANY farther… and we never crossed the line from innocent flirting to more serious flirting…

but one day his girlfriend came through with him and he started our usual banter and she. flipped. out. It was horrible.

But I can say for certain I had NO intentions of trying to ‘steal her man’ and I’m 100% certain he was just having fun with me, nothing serious.

sigh

Individual boundaries are different. It’s like there’s a cultural difference between everybody and everybody else. Plus, people are prone to double-standards in this regard. For example, I can certainly tell you that I suspect the kind of flirting I’d end up allowing myself to engage in might not exactly find so much appreciation in me when performed by someone else, and I doubt I’m the sole hypocrite in the world in this regard. For example, your first sentence initially provoked me to make a particularly world-weary remark but then the realisation struck me, ‘chev, whom are you kidding, man.’ And I suddenly found a whole new load of empathy in me.

Just need to remember those kind of things are really sensitive and people tend to and will misread them, especially when they’re in a particularly insecure or otherwise emotionally tricky situation, and, of course, everybody (mis)understands those things at least slightly differently from anybody else.

 

[Nec5]

It’s a decoder ring. If you want to get to know him, you’ll need the password known only to us men.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

OK everyone, so when a girl passes you a note in middle school, do you think she just likes you or does that mean she probably likes you, likes you?