S
Seatuck
Guest
Jengl
why don’t you try marriage counseling. Go by yourself if he won’t go with you .
why don’t you try marriage counseling. Go by yourself if he won’t go with you .
- Status
J
Jengl
Guest
I was going up until January. Then my husband’s job stopped paying for Health Insurance. I’m looking into other options - but lots of affordable plans do not cover counseling.
I battle depression, so I definitely miss those sessions lol . Praise God that my Primary Doctor can prescribe the meds I need and I have been able to pay for them.This is what I mean when I tell people that God takes care of us all. Yes, I’m in a bad situation - mentally and emotionally as well as my marriage. However, God still finds a way to get me the tools I need to get through life.
J
Jengl
Guest
Here’s an update.
Right now he’s at the point where he’s considering leaving. He says there’s been too much going on between us over the years. I can explain it all - but that will be such a long post. Ranging from having 3 (2 sick) children to our blow up last November. I will post it if anyone wants to hear it lol
I about fell over at one point. I mentioned to him about the Bible Verse in Matthew about lust and adultry. Let’s just say I think his reaction was blasphemous. But I know he was angry and didn’t like me pointing out the porn is wrong and that it is in the Bible as well. I’m worried about his soul sometimes. I know I’m way off base as well - but I think his is practically an emergency status. Talking to and teaching him does not work. He just gets angry. I’m starting the Consecration to the Holy Family on the next schedule which is Nov 29. I think only prayers will help. I can try to keep talking to him - but if it brings out blasphemy - that’s another major sin on his part and it might be better not to cause it.
I googled and read about St. John Bosco’s vision of Hell. Wow. I definitely don’t want to end up there - nor do I want my husband to either.
Anyway - after that incident, he calmed down and we had a real talk. He’s considering a separation. I told him that in the Catholic faith I should never remarry. That Marriage is indissolvable. Then he said he would always consider me his wife - even if we split up. (??) So in a sense there’s hope there. But I think he just doesn’t want to work at it. Prayers are probably our only answer at this point. I called upon Mary last night to hear my prayers - not only for my marriage but for other intentions as well. I started the Rosary - but fell asleep (I’m on antidepressants and my night med knocks me out. - No excuse I know.)
Anyway, please keep my family in your prayers if you could. We’re hanging on by a thread - that I’d like to turn into an olive branch.
Right now he’s at the point where he’s considering leaving. He says there’s been too much going on between us over the years. I can explain it all - but that will be such a long post. Ranging from having 3 (2 sick) children to our blow up last November. I will post it if anyone wants to hear it lol
I about fell over at one point. I mentioned to him about the Bible Verse in Matthew about lust and adultry. Let’s just say I think his reaction was blasphemous. But I know he was angry and didn’t like me pointing out the porn is wrong and that it is in the Bible as well. I’m worried about his soul sometimes. I know I’m way off base as well - but I think his is practically an emergency status. Talking to and teaching him does not work. He just gets angry. I’m starting the Consecration to the Holy Family on the next schedule which is Nov 29. I think only prayers will help. I can try to keep talking to him - but if it brings out blasphemy - that’s another major sin on his part and it might be better not to cause it.
I googled and read about St. John Bosco’s vision of Hell. Wow. I definitely don’t want to end up there - nor do I want my husband to either.
Anyway - after that incident, he calmed down and we had a real talk. He’s considering a separation. I told him that in the Catholic faith I should never remarry. That Marriage is indissolvable. Then he said he would always consider me his wife - even if we split up. (??) So in a sense there’s hope there. But I think he just doesn’t want to work at it. Prayers are probably our only answer at this point. I called upon Mary last night to hear my prayers - not only for my marriage but for other intentions as well. I started the Rosary - but fell asleep (I’m on antidepressants and my night med knocks me out. - No excuse I know.)
Anyway, please keep my family in your prayers if you could. We’re hanging on by a thread - that I’d like to turn into an olive branch.
T
tedfay
Guest
Jen,
Don’t give up. Keep praying.
His anger reaction is something I mentioned you should expect. People in darkness and sin often do not react well to being confronted with the Truth. The answer is not to become angry in return, but to love (not warm fuzzy love, but God’s love).
Also, don’t agree to a separation. Don’t tell him that YOU can’t remarry, but that Jesus said that marriage is permanent - If he believes in Jesus and claims to follow him then there is no divorce - Baptist or Catholic.
Again, he might react with anger at first, as he did about the teaching on lust, but keep at it. Also, always do this with a spirit of love and charity - tell him that you are trying to help him out of your love for him, not control him. MEAN WHAT YOU SAY.
If he leaves you, then you cannot control that. However, he is looking for an excuse to leave you - and you will give him that excuse if you agree to a separation, say that it’s up to him, tell him to go, or *anything *that isn’t an unequivocal opposition to separation or divorce. Instead, tell him that you will love him forever and you will not accept the easy way out. Again, you can’t control what he does, but you can make it totally his decision to leave you and not vice versa.
Another verse that might help you:
Husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loves the Church! and to love their wives as their own bodies. That means a husband is called to lay down his life for his wife, and not just by defending her physically - but also by giving up his wants and needs in favor of his wife’s best good. I’m not talking about which restaurant do we visit, but rather the ability to give up other desires in favor of doing what is right for his family. And ladies, women are called to the same service to their husbands.
Don’t give up, don’t accept his excuses for wanting to get out of the pain he is in. He thinks he’ll escape the pain by leaving - but it will only get worse. I know, I’ve been there and done that. Separation will not solve any problems, it will aggrevate them.
I will continue to pray for you. In the meantime, I can only recommend taking advantage of the sacraments (confession, Eucharist, even anointing of the sick) adoring Jesus in the tabernacle, and doing penance for your husband. May God answer your prayers and change your husband’s heart.
Don’t give up. Keep praying.
His anger reaction is something I mentioned you should expect. People in darkness and sin often do not react well to being confronted with the Truth. The answer is not to become angry in return, but to love (not warm fuzzy love, but God’s love).
Also, don’t agree to a separation. Don’t tell him that YOU can’t remarry, but that Jesus said that marriage is permanent - If he believes in Jesus and claims to follow him then there is no divorce - Baptist or Catholic.
Mark 10:11.
Malachai 2:16
Again, he might react with anger at first, as he did about the teaching on lust, but keep at it. Also, always do this with a spirit of love and charity - tell him that you are trying to help him out of your love for him, not control him. MEAN WHAT YOU SAY.
If he leaves you, then you cannot control that. However, he is looking for an excuse to leave you - and you will give him that excuse if you agree to a separation, say that it’s up to him, tell him to go, or *anything *that isn’t an unequivocal opposition to separation or divorce. Instead, tell him that you will love him forever and you will not accept the easy way out. Again, you can’t control what he does, but you can make it totally his decision to leave you and not vice versa.
Another verse that might help you:
Ephesians 5:25-29
Husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loves the Church! and to love their wives as their own bodies. That means a husband is called to lay down his life for his wife, and not just by defending her physically - but also by giving up his wants and needs in favor of his wife’s best good. I’m not talking about which restaurant do we visit, but rather the ability to give up other desires in favor of doing what is right for his family. And ladies, women are called to the same service to their husbands.
Don’t give up, don’t accept his excuses for wanting to get out of the pain he is in. He thinks he’ll escape the pain by leaving - but it will only get worse. I know, I’ve been there and done that. Separation will not solve any problems, it will aggrevate them.
I will continue to pray for you. In the meantime, I can only recommend taking advantage of the sacraments (confession, Eucharist, even anointing of the sick) adoring Jesus in the tabernacle, and doing penance for your husband. May God answer your prayers and change your husband’s heart.
G
garyr
Guest
Hi Jen,
don't wait to start the Consecration - the schedual is not as important in your case especially- start it today! Keep you husband informed that your are starting it (I'm assuming that he is refusing to do it with you), don't demand or force him to participate, be very charitible, and simply inform him where you will leave a copy for him, should he wish to look it over (print out one day at a time, and leave it for him in the same spot) and leave it at that. Absolutely do not argue with him about it (the consecration) ever. Have your children participate. My prayer group prayed for your family last night - we will keep you, your family, and your husband in our prayers; Every single family is precious to the Holy Family; let them conquer the evil that is afflicting your family - Even Jesus prayed to His Father not to take us out of this world, but to keep the evil one from us. Put your faith in him to do this. Pray to God, that if it is His Will, that some Grace that might be destined to be shed on you might instead be redirected to your Husband. Perhaps make some special sacrifice towards this ends. Hang in there- we're rooting for you!!!:thumbsup:
L
Legend
Guest
Jen,
I was really moved by your posts-to the point where I was afraid that any answer from me would be overly hysterical and demanding. So, I checked on some of your other posts and threads.
It seems that this situation has been escalating for at least a year-technically, a little more. And your husband…well, he hasn’t become any less angry (probably more). And, you did say that he’s thinking about leaving. So, as the Bible does say “if an unbelieving spouse leaves, let him (her) do so”, I’d take him up on that, at this point. I’m not talking divorce, or even annulment-if either of those are to come, there’s plenty of time. I just have a feeling that the two of you would be better off apart-for a time, at least.
Has he ever physically, or with extreme emotion, abused you or your children? Threatened you, to the point of fear? I’d make that the point at which you definitely should separate-for how long, keep asking God.
I don’t mean to frighten you-and miracles do happen, often at the point when all seems hopeless. I think we should all pray for this to happen, but you have to keep in mind that it might not. Pornography puts a person in a very selfish, lonely place, where anything negative can happen.
I’ve been here for a while, but my posts have been far and in-between…mainly, for concern of giving the wrong advice. But just the thought of your marriage degenerating into the depths of abuse, to you and/or your children, and knowing that this is a fairly long range problem, makes me speak out.
I’ll be praying that the situation works out for the very best-that your family can be reconciled with a minimum of abuse and threats. But please, remember that God never spoke against common sense, and you’ll use it, if or when you have to.
Again, Jen, I’ll be praying for you-and I urge everyone else on this thread to do likewise!
I was really moved by your posts-to the point where I was afraid that any answer from me would be overly hysterical and demanding. So, I checked on some of your other posts and threads.
It seems that this situation has been escalating for at least a year-technically, a little more. And your husband…well, he hasn’t become any less angry (probably more). And, you did say that he’s thinking about leaving. So, as the Bible does say “if an unbelieving spouse leaves, let him (her) do so”, I’d take him up on that, at this point. I’m not talking divorce, or even annulment-if either of those are to come, there’s plenty of time. I just have a feeling that the two of you would be better off apart-for a time, at least.
Has he ever physically, or with extreme emotion, abused you or your children? Threatened you, to the point of fear? I’d make that the point at which you definitely should separate-for how long, keep asking God.
I don’t mean to frighten you-and miracles do happen, often at the point when all seems hopeless. I think we should all pray for this to happen, but you have to keep in mind that it might not. Pornography puts a person in a very selfish, lonely place, where anything negative can happen.
I’ve been here for a while, but my posts have been far and in-between…mainly, for concern of giving the wrong advice. But just the thought of your marriage degenerating into the depths of abuse, to you and/or your children, and knowing that this is a fairly long range problem, makes me speak out.
I’ll be praying that the situation works out for the very best-that your family can be reconciled with a minimum of abuse and threats. But please, remember that God never spoke against common sense, and you’ll use it, if or when you have to.
Again, Jen, I’ll be praying for you-and I urge everyone else on this thread to do likewise!
J
Jengl
Guest
Thank you Garyr for the prayers! I know it has given me strength. I’ve been able to avoid arguements by not over reacting over some minor things. He also has not yet taken the step of moving out - as he said he was thinking about. So I thank God for that. And I think you are right - I want to start the consecration asap. To tell you the truth I was disheartened at first when I saw that it would be a few weeks. I trust God fully - I’m still fearful of the future - but I trust God and His plans. Thank you so much!
L
Liraco
Guest
This is certainly a cause of hope, there’s still some sense in him. Perhaps a separation could be good for both of you, give him a chance to see what life is like without you, but I’d worry about your children as they’d be the ones hit the worst by this if they’re still young.
On separation you may want to read this part of the Catechism. Not to say you should but just to let you know it’s a possibility in the right circumstance.
*2383 The separation of spouses while maintaining the marriage bond can be legitimate in certain cases provided for by canon law.
If civil divorce remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the children, or the protection of inheritance, it can be tolerated and does not constitute a moral offense.*
I’ll continue to pray that all works out, and don’t get discouraged by falling asleep, just try to make the time to pray the Rosary.
Everything at times seems to hang by a thread. As I heard on a talk by Peter Kreeft, our salvation literally hung by a thread. In summary: beginning with Joseph and his coat which came apart to provide “evidence” which landed him in jail, which led him to the Pharaoh, which led to saving Egypt and allowing the Jews to prosper, which led to Moses, which eventually led to Jesus… All thanks to poor craftsmanship and a cheap thread that came off a coat, it set in motion the vents to make way for the Messiah.
So trust in Him that he’ll make this work out for the best, no matter how bleak things may look.
J
Jengl
Guest
Yes - I agree with that.
I did forget about that verse. I want to do all I can to stay married, as I made that promise to God. He also said he was going to leave before - but was worried about my depression. (It got worse this time last year when everything blew up.) I’m doing better now so I guess he feels “safer” to leave. I don’t know what he was worried about - I’d never harm myself - I know the consequence of that.
He told me that if we separted he was afraid he’d never come back.
Last year was a really rough time. There was one time - we had a bad argument. He was ignoring me and I was provoking him to get his attention. I can’t believe I’m writing this out… but yes - he almost hit me. He stopped himself and he’s very angry with himself (and me) for that. He’s very verbal - so he shoots his mouth off without thinking often, so sometimes he’s mean. I hate the swearing though. Esp in front of the kids. I guess he’s more emotional - reacts first then thinks later. He’s not usually like that. And he hasn’t attempted anything else physical since. So I’m pretty sure that was a one time thing where the stress of everything got to him and he snapped.
Thank you for the prayers
I think my first priority should be to do my best to make this work out. However, I know that God has a plan. I also know I can’t make my husband stay if he doesn’t want to. But I can keep praying. Thank you!
T
tedfay
Guest
Jen,
You have gotten some advise that separation can be OK. Naturally you will get different advise and you will have to decide what is best.
However, I cannot recommend that you separate. It can only lead to bad things. I had a similar situation with my ex wife (marriage anulled) when we struggled with her same sex attraction. The situation only got worse with separation and made divorce easier. (Sadly, my ex has fallen into terrible darkness and has aped “marriage” with her current female partner.)
Don’t separate voluntarily!
Again, I believe the solution is to get closer to Jesus through the sacraments and to make your life an example of love and charity and courage. He might get angry, but fundamentally your husband is a good person - and he can’t stay denigrating goodness forever without leaving you. Return anger with love. Return isolation with contact. Don’t back down, but don’t return his anger with hurt and anger. I encourage you to keep your troubles from your kids, even when he makes it hard.
Trust me, I KNOW how hard my own advice is. My wife is not Christian, is anti-Catholic, and has a self acknowledged problem with anger. The temptation is very easy to respond rage with rage. But it doesn’t work, it just makes you both worse. Do not back down, but return rage with love.
A specific idea for you:
Do you have a daughter?
Next time you catch him with porn, ask him (lovingly) how he would feel if another man looked at his daughter that way? Ask him how he would feel about his daughter was making the porn? The women in those images and videos are daughters, maybe sisters, wives, and mothers. Is he willing to offer up his own child to the porn industry where women are brutalized (literally) every day?
You have gotten some advise that separation can be OK. Naturally you will get different advise and you will have to decide what is best.
However, I cannot recommend that you separate. It can only lead to bad things. I had a similar situation with my ex wife (marriage anulled) when we struggled with her same sex attraction. The situation only got worse with separation and made divorce easier. (Sadly, my ex has fallen into terrible darkness and has aped “marriage” with her current female partner.)
Don’t separate voluntarily!
Again, I believe the solution is to get closer to Jesus through the sacraments and to make your life an example of love and charity and courage. He might get angry, but fundamentally your husband is a good person - and he can’t stay denigrating goodness forever without leaving you. Return anger with love. Return isolation with contact. Don’t back down, but don’t return his anger with hurt and anger. I encourage you to keep your troubles from your kids, even when he makes it hard.
Trust me, I KNOW how hard my own advice is. My wife is not Christian, is anti-Catholic, and has a self acknowledged problem with anger. The temptation is very easy to respond rage with rage. But it doesn’t work, it just makes you both worse. Do not back down, but return rage with love.
A specific idea for you:
Do you have a daughter?
Next time you catch him with porn, ask him (lovingly) how he would feel if another man looked at his daughter that way? Ask him how he would feel about his daughter was making the porn? The women in those images and videos are daughters, maybe sisters, wives, and mothers. Is he willing to offer up his own child to the porn industry where women are brutalized (literally) every day?
J
Jengl
Guest
Thanks for your post Liraco. It makes sense what you said - but his words still ring in my ear where he said that if he left, he’d probably not come back
He hasn’t said anything else about it since our last talk. His behavior towards me has been better - but it usually is the first few days after our talks.Everyone on this board has been so helpful and I’m grateful for all the support.
J
Jengl
Guest
I have tried that approach once. He ignores it lol. I’m hoping he’ll pay more attention now that our oldest is 9 and starting to develop. It’s hard to ignore that now.
Replacing anger with Charity is something I’m working on daily. I realize anger only brings out the worst in him. I think that’s part of why we were able to have a real talk the other day. I asked questions calmly- without accusations. Spoke softly - even after the blasphemous remark
Thanks for all your advice. I’m praying for you and your family as well.
L
Liraco
Guest
As your daughter becomes a woman that same question will soon have nowhere to hide. I just hope he doesn’t need it to come to that to stop.
Continued prayers for you, may things continue to improve with your family.
Continued prayers for you, may things continue to improve with your family.
J
joandarc2008
Guest
I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through many of the same things with my dh and things are getting better. I asked both our Saints for Intercession and I got it. Saint Joan and Saint Jude. Last week even asked to go to mass with me which happenned to be the healing mass which was amazing. The difference is he had to have enough pain to want to change and I had to have enough strength to set boundaries and hold them when he would revert. We have a great secular counselor as well who is amazingly insightful and not fooled by his public persona. God blessed us with everything we needed when we needed it. The difference is we don’t have children so I only have to worry about me in this situation. I caution you to do what you can. In the end if you have to leave for your own safety or mental health - do so. There are many kinds of abuse - and the Church does say in the CCC that if we have to leave for reasons of safety or security that that is permitted.
J
joannazenobia
Guest
Wow, thank you!! I need this. God bless you so much!!!
My situation with my husband isn’t quite so bad. He isn’t practicing, but he does respect and support my faith and helps with our kids and their prayers at bedtime, does remind our kids about certain christian virtues when they get out of hand.
My husband and I have come a long way, we used to argue about religion since we met, his beliefs formed by the lies from mainstream media and society. (he and I got into porn when we were young, but I got out of it then got into Anime and Hentai. None of which I am doing now, but he continued until recently. I don’t know if he still is. I just took the stuff one day and hid it) I am daring him to discover the truth for himself. But to no avail, no amount of pleading really helps.
What I started doing, if it helps…I started focusing on my own conversion first instead of my husband. I recognized that if I didn’t do something to protect our marriage , we’d become a statistic. Our marriage had gotten stale and so had our intimacy. It just didn’t feel right to me. We were also using contraception. I literally had to tell him that we needed to stop for while so I could get myself right. (So it took the pressure of him and I took it upon myself)
So I decided I had to get myself straight first because God promises that a husband can be saved through a faithful wife. That we are the crown of his creation. My faith started like a teeny-tiny mustard seed, barely anything there, I never really knew if Jesus talked to me or not. I found good rich soil through my church and toil it, and care for it. When it begins to sprout, your faith will grow so big and strong, but I noticed it takes time and I’m hoping my prayers will become more powerful.
I recognize just what a sinner and how imperfect I am next to Jesus and Mary to the point it makes me cry sometimes. I know Jesus has this glorious destiny for me but a lot of times I feel like I’m just not living up to it because I can’t make my marriage right. But through scripture and meditation, Jesus tells me that he loves my husband so much and to continue on the path of my conversion, keeping my eyes on him that persistence in prayer is more important than anything else.
I also started studying Mary, our Lady more because Jesus points to Mary and in some weird way I think he wants me to imitate her. He tells me to trust in him that he’ll take care of my husband just keep my eyes on him and learn how to be a woman of virtue, a dutiful wife and teach my children about him and stay faithful to God our Father, through him and envoking the Holy Spirit at all times. So now all my day to day troubles and tribulations and joys, I try to “keep all those things i my heart”, where Jesus is and tell it to him first instead of trying to hash it out with my husband.
Well, hope my story helps…someone. It’s comforting to hear that there is someone else fighting this battle.
The catechism says that its OUR own personal sins, even the small ones, that tear marriages apart not the nature of man and woman, so I figures, if I started getting rid of mine sins and become the woman Jesus destined me to be, be the light and illuminate others with the light that shines from inside my heart and grow to love Jesus first with all my heart I know my husband one day is bound to notice and slowly but surely he has. He is seeing the light and even my oldes is seeing the light. Yesterday she told me she loves me more that whole day than she had in a very long time.
Be the light.
J
joannazenobia
Guest
I’m sorry, I should have also said, I hope this situation is working out. I’ll keep you and your husband in my prayers. Look at it this way…the devil is out to destroy our marriages because the image of God is stamped into our marriage covenant. We have to fight, like soldiers, for our spouses. We need to raise our swords and shields against him and not let him win. If our spouses were captured by the enemy would we not fight to the ends of the earth to save him or her? Isn’t that what Jesus taught us to “love each other, as I have loved you”.
- Status