:( sigh....post Christmas gift giving hangover ( a rant)

[Mary_Gail_36]

Well…this year like every year I do the shopping. So I buy gifts for my 2 children (usually clothing, some toys), my DH, my mom and sister…and DH’s family.

Every year the shopping for DH’s family is my job. Every year, at least 1 or 2 family members complain about the gifts being wrong (usually size wise, or color etc) fine…

This year, gift exchange comes…and a gift is lost. My gift from MIL. A huge, “where is Mary Gail’s gift.” It could not be found.

Sooo, Sunday, DH gets a phone call, “We found Mary Gail’s gift…”

So we go to the in-laws for the evening. At the end of the evening, MIL hands over a package. And inside is a serving dish with a design of some holly and a cardinal on it (the bird, not a member of the college of Cardinals). Not my taste at all really. But when I saw it, this wave of disappointment just came over me. And with the disappointment, a feeling of being ungrateful and selfish. (perhaps these feelings are mandatory feelings for good Italian daughters in law, I’m not sure.)

Oh, and the price tag was still on it.

Why did I feel disappointed? I think part of it was that after about 15 years of being with her son (as girlfriend, fiance’, wife) she could have tried getting to know me a little…or been accepting of me a little.

I think part of the reason is that, no matter what the effort that I put into giving gifts to them, they aren’t appreciated. One Christmas, I purchased this lovely cosmetics case for her (she wears make-up often). I was told that it wasn’t the brand she uses (ok) and years later found it stuffed in a drawer, the plastic wrap still on it. The first time DH brought me over to meet her, I brought a hostess gift of a box of Italian chocolate. She told me she didn’t eat chocolate. Wouldn’t it have been charitable to tell your son’s girlfriend…“Oh thank you.” and leave it at that?

Part of me was disappointed, because I’m pregnant, feel huge and ugly and would have liked something perhaps more personal.

Back to the bird dish, I said thank you…but I just felt so disappointed and petty at the same time.

I really would have been happy with a 2-3 dollar something, with some thought behind it. But I got a bird dish.

And of course, I feel like a bad daughter in law.

 

[JustAnotherThou]

I can understand how you feel, everything that my father-in-law and step-mother-in-law gave me is already in the box to good will.

We get dollar store items, her kids get wii’s and wii games

I just smiled and said how much I LOVED it all, went home and placed it in my goodwill box

 

[iluvmybabies]

First congratulations on the BABY!!! I love babies if I could I would have a lot more!! CONGRATULATIONS! BABIES ARE A BLESSING!! GOD BLESS!!

Second of all, it’s ok to feel that way… Everything you have gone through with your inlaws doesn’t really help with the feeling you got when you opened your gift… Especially now that you are hormonal, it’s normal… Things I never thought I would feel I felt them during all my pgs, believe me it’s normal… Don’t feel bad… I have never really gotten anything that I really like from inlaws nor parents… Before when I was recently married my family-mom-dad-sis-bros, would get me “granny” things, seriously, I mean they were great, but I was in my 20’s and expecting??? My exinlaws, would get things that would have to do with their other daughter’s inlaw not anything at all that was close to what I liked or wore or needed??? I would tell them things like, “oh I could really use a pair of slippers, mine are worn out and it would be nice to have one!!” So I would get gloves-in MIAMI FLORIDA-you don’t really need gloves for winter…lol… or a scarf, or a bird house-I had no place to put it seriously I lived in an apt without a balcony, lol… or some sports decoration thing-my exhusband hated sports!!! LOL…

BUT I learned quickly to find better use of things that I believe they got that they didn’t want so they would regift to me… AND I was grateful I got them… A gift is a gift, whether you like it or not or whether it was given with best intentions or just to get it over with and done… I am grateful with my dbs mother, hopefully soon my mil…even though she doesn’t like me very much, I have noticed a small change of love towards my children even though she hides it as often as I catch it, and at least I feel ok with the fact that even though we will never get along fully, at least she’s willing to play it out that she does like me for the time being… I am not greedy a simple hello and good bye makes me happy, and if she can remember to get me something, even if it’s a mismatched outfit, or shirt or shoes or whatever I am more than grateful she even remembered me!!!

This year though, she impressed me completely… She told me she knows I never relax nor find a lot of time for myself or to rest, being a mother of 3 working, student etc… lol…She actually thought that for my bday I could use a bath set, with bubbles!! I LOVED IT! I told her I wouldn’t be able to use it just yet since we are having bathtub issues, long story, but that as soon as I find a home with a good bathtub I told her I was leaving the kids with her for about 6 hours… LOL…while I soaked under all those bubbles!! She laughed and disagreed but the point is that she actually thought of me…It doesn’t happen often but she did and I am eternally grateful for that…

For Christmas her husband, whom loves my children and cares for me, helped her get my gifts, he doesn’t like my nice purse, my db bought it, lol…so they both argued about what kind of bag to get me, and it is nice, not my style nor the things I like to use but I use it in either case… and since I love poncho’s, I have one that my mom bought me many many many years ago, but they didn’t like it any more and thought I would look great in this new one, so they gave me one…AGAIN it’s not the kind I like, it’s more like something my grandma would wear but hey I sport it out as well… Besides it keeps me warm… My db feels horrible every year, while his parents go and buy his siblings great and expensive thousand dollar gifts he gets 5 dollar shirts from walmart!! BUT I have told him to look at the bright side of things, at least he’s getting something, which means they thought of him…

Just like with my parents, my niece and nephews get all the expensive things, always have and my kids get whatever was on black friday sale and still available! I am more than grateful because at least my kids get something and I make a big deal out of it so they feel very loved by their aunts uncles and grandparents… you know? Why get them upset over materialistic things??

So just take deep breaths and don’t stress yourself about it…Sometimes it just takes a little longer than other times and I am sure she meant to give you something she thought you would like…Seriously…you know?

The more relaxed you are during these delicate times the better, so just pray, go to confession if you need to and let GOD’s love and light guide you through your thoughts and feelings and see how much better you feel!

GOD bless and take care!

 

[BamaRider]

Well Mary Gail I dunno. I’d just ask her what it is she wants from ya, and cease being intimidated. It seems you respect her, so that doesn’t seem to be the problem.

But we have the regift thread going so you can go over there and get some ideas for what to with the bird dish.

 

[monicatholic]

MaryGail,

here’s just a little story to make you smile. I know my part was somewhat uncharitable… but… it is funny:

my inlaws and i have a pretty good relationship. they are generous with us, if not overly cautious and worried about us. but sometimes my father in law just gets a’going…

it was Christmas eve. we were at their house with extended family. i’d just had another baby (we have 10 altogether now) and had gained a lot of weight in the years since we’d been married.

my mother in law had bought me some jeans and a sweater. she said, “I hope they fit.” my father in law quipped, “they should. we had the Acme tent and awning company make them.”

my sister in law shrieked. my mother in law gasped. my husband said, “DAD!!”

i said, “Oh! the Acme tent and awning company? aren’t they the same folks who make your toupe?”

shazzam.

return the plate, get something nice, like bubble bath and a good cushy turkish towel.

 

[fellowChristian]

I understand where you’re coming from. My own parents bought me and my husband matching gold watches with a black band …for $12.99. yup she left the tag on and nope they don’t fit either I think they were made for children. I have no idea what I’m going to say when mom asks “How come you’re not wearing the watch I bought you?” I think she bought it at the Goodwill, so she can’t return it.

My inlaws never buy for us. Any of us, our five children included. Thats just Christmas it’s pretty much that way for all the other important days throughout our lives too. Nothing when the kids complete their sacraments nothing when they graduate from high school nothing on their wedding day…but they’re there to eat the food. I try not to expect anything and thats exactly what we get…so I don’t get my hopes crushed.

I stopped buying for my inlaws years ago when I noticed no response on their part. No phone calls,no cards… nothing. My MIL can’t even remember to call her son on his birthday. So I don’t take it personal. Some people really don’t put any thought into anyone else but themselves. She does however remember her daughter’s birthday. which is a good thing because that’s who’s going to take of her when she gets old.

 

[armywife]

Well this happens to me every year. My MIL usually asks what I want so it’s not so bad, but what she get’s for the kids is terrible. This year I returned $100 worth of things to Wal-Mart.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

MaryGail,

here’s just a little story to make you smile. I know my part was somewhat uncharitable… but… it is funny:

my inlaws and i have a pretty good relationship. they are generous with us, if not overly cautious and worried about us. but sometimes my father in law just gets a’going…

it was Christmas eve. we were at their house with extended family. i’d just had another baby (we have 10 altogether now) and had gained a lot of weight in the years since we’d been married.

my mother in law had bought me some jeans and a sweater. she said, “I hope they fit.” my father in law quipped, “they should. we had the Acme tent and awning company make them.”

my sister in law shrieked. my mother in law gasped. my husband said, “DAD!!”

i said, “Oh! the Acme tent and awning company? aren’t they the same folks who make your toupe?”

shazzam.

return the plate, get something nice, like bubble bath and a good cushy turkish towel.

Monica, God Bless you for your personality.

That was a great comeback. I would probably never have been able to come up with that, and probably would have excused myself to the bathroom for a pity party.:bighanky:

 

[puzzleannie]

you’re preggers you are allowed to feel any way you want and to vent any way you want. hugs

I have been married 40 years and in that time my weight has ranged from 120 to 280, and now is about in the middle, but to her I have always been 6 feet tall and weighing 400 lbs judging by her gift selections. she is on her way to spend a month with us. please pray for me. hard. When buying clothing for her I consult her daughter and shop where she shops, but she always wears everything once, then gives it away. Always. I buy toiltries in the brand she uses, but they are never opened. to get around this I have DH write the card, leave my name off, and the same gift, she raves about, uses and enjoys. Whatever.

 

[monicatholic]

. I would probably never have been able to come up with that

MaryGail, I can’t rightly decide if my rapier wit is a blessing or a curse. It gets me into the confessional often enough.

Everyone we love has every material thing they need. And whatever we might get them, they can get for themselves in better quality than we could afford. This year, we gave a single gift to my whole extended family, a single gift to his extended family. In their names, we donated goats and pigs and orphan support to poor Haitian families through Food for the Poor.

With the gift of pigs, we sent very inexpensive pig masks. The kids loved them. To accompany the gift of goats, we gave a small toy goat. To accompany the gift of food for the orphan, we gave a small wooden bowl.

Our kids picked out the donations. It was very important to them.

 

[Alix1912]

Well…this year like every year I do the shopping. So I buy gifts for my 2 children (usually clothing, some toys), my DH, my mom and sister…and DH’s family.

Every year the shopping for DH’s family is my job. Every year, at least 1 or 2 family members complain about the gifts being wrong (usually size wise, or color etc) fine…

And of course, I feel like a bad daughter in law.

You are not a bad Daughter in law. I hate trying to shop for my in laws because being married only two years and them living in another state, I don’t know them that well. Basically, I ask my husband to give me some ideas…if he can’t I ask my Mother in Law for Christmas lists from that side of the family. If I don’t get either…Ball is back in my husbands court. He knows that those are the rules and is pretty good about it.

MaryGail,

i said, “Oh! the Acme tent and awning company? aren’t they the same folks who make your toupe?”

Love that answer…wish I had something like that to come back with when I got “The Elf”.

Long story short…my father in law is anxious for Grandkids from my husband and I. Put a small talking elf in my stocking the first year we traveled for Christmas at their house. You could record a message and the elf played it back in a high squeaky elf voice. (Keep in mind my husband and I had been married about a year, and I had spent all of about 20 days total in my life with my in laws). The elf had the phrase “Are you knocked up yet?” recorded on it. When I played it, I was mortified, and I think my mother in law wanted to fall through the floor in shame. I couldn’t even begin to think of what to say to that. It was beyond tacky. Needless to say “The Elf” never made it back home with us. It has been buried under my inlaws guest bed…hopefully to never be seen again.

 

[KCtheMommy]

It’s ok to cry over a tacky plate.

Just take it back.


Oh and next year, buy them gift certificates or something and quit trying so hard!

 

[thomasf]

First off, this is why gift giving should be limited to immediate family. When it comes to giving to in-laws and extended family members, in my opinion, it gets to be too much hassel. My in-laws every year give me some kind of flash light. I’ve got a closet full of flash lights. Do I want another? Nope. But they give me one every year. I don’t expect a gift from anyone, and I see it as a nice gesture and am thankful for whatever.

As far as giving what you want or getting to know you and giving you a better gift, don’t get too upset about it. My wife, after being with me for over a decade, still can’t give me a gift that actually reflects my interests or who I am. And no matter what I buy her she’s not happy with it. So we literally pick out a gift and tell the other person what to buy. Is it a big deal or bother me? Nope. It is what it is. No biggie.

 

[KCtheMommy]

One year my DH’s friend gave me a machete for my Birthday. At first I thought “What the??” but it soon dawned on me what a great, albeit whacky, gift it was. We had JUST moved to Washington. Man that machete has come in handy! Makes me happy knowing it’s handy in my current barrio in CA too!

Who woulda thunk it?

A closet full of flashlights huh? It sounds like my DH’s idea of Heaven. No seriously, he’s got a weird flashlight fetish. For instance if he loses anything: out comes the flashlight. He uses the beam of light to “focus” on things and locate said lost item. Great for the garage and under beds so he says. I’ve caught my seven year old doing the same thing with his Spiderman flashlight. Yes, yes of COURSE I have told him if he just put stuff away, where it belongs, he wouldn’t have this problem. Or just put the darn flashlight in only one place, just one. Top of fridge maybe? I’ve been married almost 13 years, so don’t see that changing soon. May Heaven help us if a flashlight goes missing! It’s a horrible experience – obviously – no handy beam of light to find the thing that creates handy beams of light which locates lost DH items. Oh boy…whooooooooo so yeah, I’ll take some of those off your hands if you like.