D
DL82
Guest
I need to stop thinking about vocation. At least for some long while.
If I’m honest, I knew that I felt a call to married life, and nothing but sadness at the thought of religious life, for a long time. I’ve never actually felt ‘called’ to religious life, but the fact that I raised the question with my Spiritual Director about 18 months ago made him think that I did. Since then, I’ve found myself talking to more and more people about ‘discernment’, but without having a key prerequisite for discernment, a desire, on some level, emotional, spiritual, some level, to do it. Every time I speak to anyone about ‘discernment’ I’m desperate for them to tell me I don’t have a vocation, and feel down every time someone suggests I might have. The thought of being a holy husband, dad and (eventually I hope) deacon, on the other hand fills me with joy:bounce:, and confidence that God will do great things in me in this life, though it will bring sacrifices, and He won’t leave me in misery, longing for death.
Now it’s just possible, just possible, that the anxiety I feel about this is something God has given me to lead me, eventually, into a religious vocation. There’s a more likely explanation though:
Anxiety disorder.
When I look at the symptoms, the way I act toward vocation, praying but not really praying, talking to everyone but listening to noone, going to priests and telling them what I’m thinking in such a way that I prompt them to tell me I don’t have a vocation, then feeling euphoria, then going away and second-guessing that euphoria, dwelling on other symptoms, going back again and again:banghead: - this parallels exactly the way I used to act when I suffered from health-related anxiety disorder (about 3 years ago I used to drive doctors crazy with the obsession that every bump or imperfection on my body was cancer).
One of the first things I was told when I went to a counsellor about my cancer anxiety was NEVER NEVER to look up my symptoms (or what I thought were my symptoms) online. Through counselling and behaviour modification, I’m over my health anxiety, and haven’t had a cancer scare in a long time.
For that reason, I’m also going to quit the vocations section of this board.
Right now, I have a joyful vocation, the vocation of a final year research student, a vocation to holiness through wisdom, a vocation to follow the joys I have found in the Legion of Mary, in organising the Scottish chapter of the annual Paris-Chartres pilgrimage (if you get the chance, come along!), in studying the Bible and helping out in my parish, in discerning marriage, in improving my prayer life, in being thankful for God’s many graces, and living out that thankfulness, in joyful penance, in growing as a man and a knight of faith,:knight2: the vocation to sanctity. Can’t do much about the future until I’ve dealt with the present task anyway, so no use putting off the present to worry about the future. After that, if God wants to call me, He can call me, but I’ll wait for Him to do the calling, not sit around worrying about it beforehand.
In the meantime, I wish every blessing and God’s grace to follow your vocations, wherever they take you in His service. Thank you all so much for your patience in listening to my anxious worrying. From now on, however, if I write here again, the most charitable thing you can do is tell me to go away. I’m sorry if I’ve wasted your time.
May God bless you and His Mother pray for you in all you do.
DL82
If I’m honest, I knew that I felt a call to married life, and nothing but sadness at the thought of religious life, for a long time. I’ve never actually felt ‘called’ to religious life, but the fact that I raised the question with my Spiritual Director about 18 months ago made him think that I did. Since then, I’ve found myself talking to more and more people about ‘discernment’, but without having a key prerequisite for discernment, a desire, on some level, emotional, spiritual, some level, to do it. Every time I speak to anyone about ‘discernment’ I’m desperate for them to tell me I don’t have a vocation, and feel down every time someone suggests I might have. The thought of being a holy husband, dad and (eventually I hope) deacon, on the other hand fills me with joy:bounce:, and confidence that God will do great things in me in this life, though it will bring sacrifices, and He won’t leave me in misery, longing for death.
Now it’s just possible, just possible, that the anxiety I feel about this is something God has given me to lead me, eventually, into a religious vocation. There’s a more likely explanation though:
Anxiety disorder.
When I look at the symptoms, the way I act toward vocation, praying but not really praying, talking to everyone but listening to noone, going to priests and telling them what I’m thinking in such a way that I prompt them to tell me I don’t have a vocation, then feeling euphoria, then going away and second-guessing that euphoria, dwelling on other symptoms, going back again and again:banghead: - this parallels exactly the way I used to act when I suffered from health-related anxiety disorder (about 3 years ago I used to drive doctors crazy with the obsession that every bump or imperfection on my body was cancer).
One of the first things I was told when I went to a counsellor about my cancer anxiety was NEVER NEVER to look up my symptoms (or what I thought were my symptoms) online. Through counselling and behaviour modification, I’m over my health anxiety, and haven’t had a cancer scare in a long time.
For that reason, I’m also going to quit the vocations section of this board.
Right now, I have a joyful vocation, the vocation of a final year research student, a vocation to holiness through wisdom, a vocation to follow the joys I have found in the Legion of Mary, in organising the Scottish chapter of the annual Paris-Chartres pilgrimage (if you get the chance, come along!), in studying the Bible and helping out in my parish, in discerning marriage, in improving my prayer life, in being thankful for God’s many graces, and living out that thankfulness, in joyful penance, in growing as a man and a knight of faith,:knight2: the vocation to sanctity. Can’t do much about the future until I’ve dealt with the present task anyway, so no use putting off the present to worry about the future. After that, if God wants to call me, He can call me, but I’ll wait for Him to do the calling, not sit around worrying about it beforehand.
In the meantime, I wish every blessing and God’s grace to follow your vocations, wherever they take you in His service. Thank you all so much for your patience in listening to my anxious worrying. From now on, however, if I write here again, the most charitable thing you can do is tell me to go away. I’m sorry if I’ve wasted your time.
May God bless you and His Mother pray for you in all you do.
DL82