SIL is acting like 'miss holier than thou'

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AmberDale

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Okay here goes.
I’m a neophyte (just baptized Easter 2005). I’m still learning lots of stuff, trying very hard to live a holy life. Doing what Christ wants of me.
A few months ago my SIL and her family moved in with my family. (family of 4 goes to family of 9 overnight). They were having some financial diffilculties. So we are helping them for about 2 years until they get back on their feet. They are family and if you are in a position to help your family than you do.
Of course they are helping us too, they give us money to help with the mortgage. But that’s it. They don’t help with any of the other bills. That’s okay.

Anyway, lately she has been making me feel like she thinks she is miss holy holy. She is a Catholic, always has been. A cradle Catholic who is relearning her faith. GOOD! I think a lot of people need to learn about what they proclaim to believe.
Well she read somethings awhile back. Then began wearing skirts and dresses all the time. Keeps saying things like “I’m not a man, I don’t need to dress like a man.” “God didn’t make me a man”
It feels like she’s condemning me for wearing pants.
I definately wear dresses/skirts to church. But I prefer pants at home.
She is constantly making remarks to me and my husband about some of our hobbies. We like to play video games (though we don’t actually play them because we don’t have time), most of these games are very nonviolent (MarioKart). We like to play all kinds of games (board, card, rpg). We don’t think there is anything wrong with it, it doesn’t interfere with our prayer life, church life, or family life.
My husband likes comic books.
She is constantly demeaning us for having past-times that do not include sewing clothes for our children.
She makes her girls wear skirts. That’s her choice, they are her kids. But keeps saying things about how the fashions in the stores are trashy. Which I do agree with some of that, but not all of them are.
I don’t sew right now, so most of the clothes my kids wear will be coming from stores. I won’t buy thins too short, too small, or too big.

I guess I’m frustrated, because I didn’t sign on for this. I converted to the one True Church for the fullness of Christ, not to feel like everything she does is better. I don’t have any inclination to wear dresses all the time, or make my kids wear dresses all the time.
 
I would politely remind her that house guests don’t criticize their hosts and if they have a problem with the hosts they are more than welcome to stay elsewhere.
 
I agree that the SIL deserves a response like what wabrams proposed. The SIL is not being a courteous houseguest. But unfortunately, calling the SIL on her behavior will undoubtedly increase the friction and probably won’t change the SIL’s behavior. If you want her out of the house and/or you are ready to deal with increased family friction, go at it!

While clearly the SIL is the problem, recognize that the SIL CANNOT make you feel any particular way. The way you feel is your reaction–your choice. It is a hard concept for us to accept. I finally “got it” when I learned to see myself as a duck with hurtful words “rolling off my back” like water off a duck’s back. If I didn’t let them wound me, then they couldn’t. (A more “Catholic” concept is “offering it up”–accepting your own suffering and recalling Christ’s suffering for us.) I have found this to be a much healthier way to deal with in-laws and family. And difficult people in general. It’s all about one’s attitude–as I try to tell my teens.
 
Next time she mentions something you disagree with ask her where she got her info from. Was it someones opinion or was it an actual Church document (or her interpretation of it)? Maybe you can help her clear her confusion and at the same time you will be learning more or reconfirming what you know about the Church.

Also, let her know that you pref. for her to tell you things in private (if she ever says things in front of others, I dunno). You may want to address the fact that she does not have to give you her opinion on everything you do since inviting her into your home (which you have lovingly done) has put you and your family in a state of vulnerability towards her.

I have no clue of where she read that pants were bad. Yes, we need to dress feminine and modestly, but some pants actually do the job the same or a lot better than some skirts.
 
I would imagine that having financial problems and being dependent on your family might not be so great for your sister
in law’s self esteem. Sometimes the simplest approach is the best. Maybe you should just tell her that you feel like she is critisizing you and it hurts your feelings. I think for most people that would be enough to make them reconsider.
 
Actually, your husband ought to deal with this. His vocation is to protect you. If you and he decide together that you should always wear this or that then that is your business. Will your husband defend you and will he set his sister straight? Perhaps you and he need a conversation.

Dan L
 
Amberdale! You are the definition of Christian! You are helping the poor (doesn’t matter that it’s family and “expected”) giving them shelter and food, and it is a hardship on your family I’m sure.

Video games and board games with your husband sounds like good together time for me…keep on keeping on!
 
Two years of this, eh? Offer it up.

It’s not worth making the rest of their stay more tense by making comments and suggestions back. That’s just playing her game…

My sister runs her family completely different than I run mine. She’s very Christian, I’m very Catholic, and yet in her home rudeness abounds - they swear at each other ‘lovingly’, as she explains it. We have spent a month or two at a time during the summers living in their home because we live 1500 miles away. Even those months are trying on my nerves, and I love my sister very, very much (I think that’s why it pains me so)…so I understand on a smaller scale your frustration.

My siblings and I do have an ongoing understanding that when in one person’s home, those rules apply…visitors are expected to respect them, though they are not obliged to follow them.

That means my nieces and nephews do not get to swear at me - jokingly or otherwise - because I’m a guest. It means when they swear at their mother or father, I cannot scold them or discipline them for it. It means while their kids can walk away from the dinner table and leave their dishes behind, my kids have to take theirs to the sink, rinse them out, throw their napkins away and wipe down their space on the table. If they were in my home I would not expect my nephews or niece to clear their plates as I know that is not how they were trained. When they have been in our home, one does, the other two do not, and my kid’s pick up those plates for them. And so on down the line of differences.

My sister does not get to coach me on what I’m doing right or wrong, and I do not get to coach her. Same with my brothers in their homes. What ended up happening is the kids worked it out for themselves. My kids are grateful for the way we run our homes because it’s chaotic for them over there, but that doesn’t ruin their experiences with their cousins and aunt/uncle. It just helps them appreciate what we have going for us, and I’m certain it’s the same for my nephews and nieces - they must feel liberated to be back home after a stay at our place!

The key to the arrangement is that we recognize and respect each of us raising our families the way we feel best for us, but since we are siblings we must also find ways to maintain our foundational relationship, so this is the compromise we made. We enjoy our time together this way, but certainly as soon as we return to our respective homes, we talk about what was great about how they ran their homes and what was awful about how they ran their homes, and then we explain to our kids why ‘our’ way is better for us.

You should sit down with your SIL, perhaps go out to eat somewhere, and work out some ground rules for the sake of the long-term relationship between the two families. We managed to do it respectfully among the four of us and there were some heated exchanges over some points, but we didn’t walk away from the conversation until we reached the arrangements we did. It has worked well for over 18 years.

Then again, the arrangement sure has acted as a strong incentive to keep our finances and independence secure so we’d never have to find ourselves in the position of having to rely on any of us for short term housing. 😛
 
Thanks you guys!

Greg- My husband is a wonderful man! At the beginning it was hard for him to stand up to his family. He doesn’t like to make them mad. Now he realized that me and his children are much more important. He is very good at standing up for me now. When such things bother me he knows, he takes them aside and tells them where we stand.

I did not make this post to make people think I was an ideal Christian, I am not. I have many areas to work on. I am trying to learn to control my anger, and my smart-mouth. I’ve learned when things are said to just shutmymouth because sometimes hurtful things come out. Then later when I’m calm I can come back too it.

I suppose I just wanted reassurance that it really isn’t ‘required’ to wear skirts.
 
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AmberDale:
I suppose I just wanted reassurance that it really isn’t ‘required’ to wear skirts.
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Unless Pentecostal…wear your jeans proudly sister!
 
YingYang-

I have told her on several occasions that she will raise her children her way and I will raise mine our way.
She homeschools (which my husband and I are still discerning if that’s what we will do. But not based on her doing it) and so she thinks she knows everything about my children’s development. And how they will be.
My 2 year old sometimes likes to use the big crayons like Joe has on “Blues Clues” for his notebook. She criticized that saying that he will have a hard time transitioning to a pencil because her son did.
I said “1. Lincoln uses pens and regular crayons just fine, and he likes to use the big crayons for his notebook. 2. If you let me raise my children the way I see fit we will get along just fine”
She actually looked stunned. I was like what? She said, she wished she had the courage to say such things when her kids were little like that.

I believe it is my responsibility to raise my kids. So if my kids are up, I am up. I don’t depend on her to take care of my kids. If I go somewhere my kids go with me, unless it had been arranged.
I stand up for what I think is right for my kids. When it comes to little things or big things.
 
Oh! This is going to be a growing experience for every one in both families! Your SIL sounds like she has some self-esteem issues that were in place long before she moved into your home. She thinks (at some level) that they way she does things is the only way to do them. What she needs to understand is that every child is different, but that will come through time. What you need to understand is that her word is not the Gospel truth. Believe this deep, deep inside yourself. Learn to respond to her in very value-neutral ways, such as “that’s nice for your child” or " whatever works for you" or “I’m glad you found something that’s so good for your family.” Your comment about the crayons was just perfect.

I’m not a big believer in suffering for the sake of suffering for two years. Most people can’t cork a bottle of emotions for that long. That’s why you need to be honest in a gentle, affirming sort of way from the beginning. You owe it to everyone involved to be honest. Don’t be afraid to trust your “woman’s intuition” or gut feelings, they will serve you well and enable you to stay tuned into the needs of your husband and children.

Lastly, I hope you and your sister in law can break away from all of the kids and the house for some time together - even window shopping with a cup of coffee at the mall - is a great way to build a relationship and let of some steam. You may find yourself living with your best (girl) friend in a few months. That would be a wonderful thing.
 
You are helping her out and she’s telling you how to run your household. :ehh: Hold on something wrong here, I would simply say “this is how our family lives, if you are not comfortable about the way we do things perhaps we can talk, if not we can help you make other arrangements.” No yelling, no name calling just calmly say this, maybe it could help her to open up and have a heart to heart with each other. You are not “throwing them out” you are giving her an option of clearing the air or moving on. You can’t continue this way, its not healthy for anyone. PS I consider myself a Good Catholic and in the dead of winter, because I walk to Mass, I wear dress slacks and a sweater. So does my daughter and sister (especially when they were little) and we are far from trashy. If you wear proper slacks there is nothing wrong with it. Good luck and God Bless.
 
I’m a neophyte (just baptized Easter 2005). I’m still learning lots of stuff, trying very hard to live a holy life. Doing what Christ wants of me.
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Amberdale, weclome home!
A few months ago my SIL and her family moved in with my family. (family of 4 goes to family of 9 overnight). They were having some financial diffilculties. So we are helping them for about 2 years until they get back on their feet. They are family and if you are in a position to help your family than you do.
Of course they are helping us too, they give us money to help with the mortgage. But that’s it. They don’t help with any of the other bills. That’s okay.
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You and your husband are good people
Anyway, lately she has been making me feel like she thinks she is miss holy holy. She is a Catholic, always has been. A cradle Catholic who is relearning her faith. GOOD! I think a lot of people need to learn about what they proclaim to believe.
Well she read somethings awhile back. Then began wearing skirts and dresses all the time. Keeps saying things like “I’m not a man, I don’t need to dress like a man.” “God didn’t make me a man”
It feels like she’s condemning me for wearing pants.
I definately wear dresses/skirts to church. But I prefer pants at home.
She is constantly making remarks to me and my husband about some of our hobbies. We like to play video games (though we don’t actually play them because we don’t have time), most of these games are very nonviolent (MarioKart). We like to play all kinds of games (board, card, rpg). We don’t think there is anything wrong with it, it doesn’t interfere with our prayer life, church life, or family life.
My husband likes comic books.
She is constantly demeaning us for having past-times that do not include sewing clothes for our children.
She makes her girls wear skirts. That’s her choice, they are her kids. But keeps saying things about how the fashions in the stores are trashy. Which I do agree with some of that, but not all of them are.
I don’t sew right now, so most of the clothes my kids wear will be coming from stores. I won’t buy thins too short, too small, or too big.

I guess I’m frustrated, because I didn’t sign on for this. I converted to the one True Church for the fullness of Christ, not to feel like everything she does is better. I don’t have any inclination to wear dresses all the time, or make my kids wear dresses all the time./
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You have a very tough situation on your hands. I have a suggestion and that is ALL it is, a suggestion.

Pick a night when everyone in the whole group is going to be together and have your SIL chose what the family will do for entertainment. If it is charades, or pictionairy or whatever…it is up to her…but tell her you would love to have a big ol’ family fun night. Start the festivities off with a prayer, make some popcorn and some other kinds of snacks, and then let 'er rip…

I’m thinking that maybe she is just feeling kind of out of control. She is not the ‘Lady of the House’ anymore and maybe she is trying to find a way to be in charge somehow. No matter how grateful she may be, it has to be humiliating to be in the position she is in, you know? I’m not making excuses…her behavior is wrong. I’m just trying to put myself in her shoes and, well…

I’m also going to make my now famous ‘Jesus Box’ suggestion for you - get a shoe box, cut a whole in the top of it, and tape the top to the box. get a blank piece of paper and start writing all your frustrations about her on it. Do not worry about how it sounds, spelling, grammar, syntax, etc…it might go, “dear Lord, there she goes again, wearing that skirt, like I’m not a girl, what like she’s better than me? I almost hate her God and I know I’m not suppose to but she is driving me nuts and if she says anything about those video games again I am going to make her eat them” you get the idea. When you are done, kneel down, put the paper in front of you and pray: “Jesus, here it is. It is what I am feeling and I cannot change it. Please, Jesus. You need to take these feelings and help me because I am powerless.” Then put the paper in the box, put the box on the top shelf of your bedroom closet where no one can ‘accidently’ find it and then go about your business…if you need to do it over and over and over again…do it.

also, increase your Confession time…I go once a week during tough times in my life…it helps…not only does it save my soul, it saves the lives of thousands of other commuters…😛
 
Ah, yes. As Thomas Merton once wrote, “There is nothing more suspicious in a man who seems holy than an impatient desire to reform other men.” He goes on to say that a person who insists on directing those over whom he has no authority will never be at peace. In other words, even in monasteries, they have this kind of thing to deal with. Really, why we would all be here posting to you, if we didn’t have a little of that going ourselves? It’s a tough habit to break, even when you do see it in yourself. Speaking for myself, containment into what I hope is patient suggestion is usually the best I can manage!

The need to reform others is usually not discouraged by active resistance. Let’s be honest. If I really knew how to discourage it quickly, I could reform myself and then write a book and retire. It is a fault, even if we like to think it causes less angst than alcoholism or kleptomania. When the temptation arises to suggest ways in which she might reform herself, bite your tongue. Besides putting your own soul in peril, a Holier-Than-You contest will play right into the fruitless road she’s on right now. This is an irritating little bug that you won’t rid yourself of by swatting at it. It needs to die a death of starvation.

Luckily, you can do non-violent resistance in your very own home! When your SIL brings up the subject, you might respond with a simple, “Yes, you’ve mentioned that in the past. It’s something to think about.” Then, I’m sorry, but put her onto blah, blah, blah play. If she gets more shrill or insistent so that you just can’t stand it, you might reply with, “Mary, you’ve told us. Are you trying to convince me, or yourself? Please. I know it’s important to you, but I’ve heard you out. Now give us time to think about it. Another subject already.” Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Don’t refuse to listen, but respond with the lowest level of interest, volume, and emotional engagement that you can muster. Besides, it doesn’t hurt to listen. Even a broken clock is right twice a day! 😉

Also, trying reading The Screwtape Letters. I know you are busy, but it is very short, and an enjoyable read, besides. When you’ve finished it, pass it on to the other adults in the family. Screwtape’s advice on how to a tempter can successfully sew the seeds of domestic dischord, where everyone drives each other nuts and yet feels to be the offended party themselves, is most enlightening. His insight into how the cradle Christian might be stirred up by the recent convert to the mutual ruin of both is also right on the mark. And CS Lewis is very clever and funny in this book. You can’t beat that.

Sigh. Good luck and hang in there. Look at the bright side… this will force you to do all sorts of interior work that would otherwise have to be done in purgatory. God’s going to make you perfect someday. It doesn’t get easier, so we may as well start today.
 
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AmberDale:
YingYang-

I have told her on several occasions that she will raise her children her way and I will raise mine our way.
She homeschools (which my husband and I are still discerning if that’s what we will do. But not based on her doing it) and so she thinks she knows everything about my children’s development. And how they will be.
My 2 year old sometimes likes to use the big crayons like Joe has on “Blues Clues” for his notebook. She criticized that saying that he will have a hard time transitioning to a pencil because her son did.
I said “1. Lincoln uses pens and regular crayons just fine, and he likes to use the big crayons for his notebook. 2. If you let me raise my children the way I see fit we will get along just fine”
She actually looked stunned. I was like what? She said, she wished she had the courage to say such things when her kids were little like that.

I believe it is my responsibility to raise my kids. So if my kids are up, I am up. I don’t depend on her to take care of my kids. If I go somewhere my kids go with me, unless it had been arranged.
I stand up for what I think is right for my kids. When it comes to little things or big things.
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Sounds like you are having a positive affect on your SIL just by being true to yourself.

It will be difficult to tolerate the comments she makes, but know in your heart that she doesn’t mean ill-will toward you with them. She is either insecure about her own position on the matter thus projected that insecurity onto you, or she honestly believes you may not have known about the piece of info she is sharing.

Also keeping in mind the stress will be temporary (though 2 years can seem like a lifetime) should help you get through it.

Pray for her always, as for yourself, as for the positive bonding this experience can nurture for your family and hers - and the benefit to the cousins’ relationship as well.

It really sounds like you have things under control, with the proper perspective. You are blessed with a good husband as well.

As for the pants…hey, too each their own in that regard…it’s not church policy. Then again, neither is wearing veils to mass, but that seems to be gathering a revival here on the boards as well. I don’t see the harm in either movement.
 
Ah, yes. As Thomas Merton once wrote, “There is nothing more suspicious in a man who seems holy than an impatient desire to reform other men.” He goes on to say that a person who insists on directing those over whom he has no authority will never be at peace. In other words, even in monasteries, they have this kind of thing to deal with. Really, why we would all be here posting to you, if we didn’t have a little of that going ourselves? It’s a tough habit to break, even when you do see it in yourself. Speaking for myself, containment into what I hope is patient suggestion is usually the best I can manage!
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You know, that Thomas Merton always struck me as a bit of a know it all…😉
But you are correct, my friend… it is so difficult to keep our own sides of the street clean! I sure struggle with it. I tell the girls I sponsor that the reason I go to three meetings a week and have a sponsor myself is not because the Junior League is full…
 
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LSK:
You know, that Thomas Merton always struck me as a bit of a know it all…😉
But you are correct, my friend… it is so difficult to keep our own sides of the street clean! I sure struggle with it. I tell the girls I sponsor that the reason I go to three meetings a week and have a sponsor myself is not because the Junior League is full…
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Well, let’s comfort ourselves with this… she actually* asked* our opinion, and she will suffer nothing from us if she ignores us entirely!
 
I really appreciate all your responses! I do. I like a lot of the ideas.

I’m going to try the Jesus Box. Because I do get frustrated but don’t want to convey it in an angry manner to her. I need to give it to God.

Is ‘offering it up’ like telling God to take it away? What does that statement mean?

I’m trying very hard to realize it’s only temporary. So sometimes I just take a deep breath, close my eyes (so I don’t cry) and walk away. (I open my eyes before I start walking because I’d run into a wall 🙂 )
I guess it’s frustrating for me because I am very used to not having anyone around, and I don’t feel like it’s my home anymore. Where technically it’s not. We are sharing are home, with it sharing responsiblities. But it’s hard.
 
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AmberDale:
Is ‘offering it up’ like telling God to take it away? What does that statement mean?
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For me, ‘offering it up’ takes two forms:
  1. I offer the entire trying situation and everything associated with it to God, asking Him to just guide me on how to proceed step by step for I trust Him more than I trust myself (especially since I’m usually at my wit’s end by then and have botched the job terribly so far)
  2. Any angst, frustration, tears, anxiety I endured up to that point (handling it my way), and any I may continue to experience while doing it His way - I offer for the souls in purgatory.
That means, for me, when I really want to snap back at someone, or cry, or scream I remind myself of the souls in purgatory and I release that emotion up to heaven for them. It keeps me from losing my cool and hurting others with words I can’t take back, it helps the souls get to heaven a little quicker, and it helps me because I am filled with peace and tranquility knowing I did something good with something bad.

Doing so, I think, reminds me also that I am not alone in this, that He is beside me, and that is comforting as well.

Oh, and as for not being used to sharing your home…on the real level, I hear ya…perhaps you can remind yourself that none if this is our home…as Fr. Corapi says, our home is in heaven with our Father…this is all temporary…
 
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