Simcha Fisher on gifts not to get your kids

[Xantippe]

I was amused and edified by this piece:

aleteia.org/blogs/simchafisher/thanks-for-nothing-6-gifts-we-avoid-giving-our-kids/

It has very solid advice on gift giving to children and concludes:

"But! All this talk about presents, and shopping, and buying . . . isn’t it kind of materialistic? Isn’t Jesus the reason for the season?

“Yes, He is. We do good works, we give alms, we go to Mass, we sing Christmas hymns . . . and we show our love for each, and our joy that Christ has come into the world, by giving each other loving, thoughtful presents. That’s not materialism, that’s just one way to show love. It’s not the only way, but it’s not a bad way, either!”

Amen!

My big kids have been surprising me this year. I noticed that our 13-year-old has two different school events where a festive sweater would be just the thing, so I consulted with her and then went out and bought a red cotton cable sweater. The 13-year-old (who normally isn’t a fashion plate) was THRILLED and put it on immediately when she got home from school and wore it all evening. My 10-year-old son then started making a puppy face, so after discussing it with him, I’m going to hunt up a red sweater for him, too. The 3-year-old already has some festive garments (a red cotton cable sweater and red corduroy skirt), so we have the makings of a photo shoot.

I never thought I’d see the big kids so happy and excited about sweaters.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

We follow a lot of those guidelines already, but a lot of people we know still seem stumped by them. A big one is the “my kid’s advanced enough that we don’t need to follow the age guidelines.” I thought I was being helpful a couple years ago when I talked to a family member about their tendency to buy their kids gifts that were way too old for their children. If it says “8 years and up” on the package, it’s not for your 3-year-old. I was treated to a scathing lecture on how advanced their children were and how if my kids performed half as well as theirs did (you know, our kids who are much better behaved, read at a higher level and get better grades), we wouldn’t have to worry about them not being able to handle such advanced toys. We don’t discuss gifts with them anymore.

Our biggest challenge, like always, is that our modest Christmases never compare (in our kids’ eyes) to the extravagant Christmases their friends and family get. One of our daughters has a friend whose family’s Elf on the Shelf arrives on Thanksgiving and every morning shows up in a new location with a $10-20 gift for each of the four kids in the family. Our elf doesn’t bring gifts so the fact that this friend has already gotten more from their elf than our kids are going to have under the tree Christmas morning has really soured our one daughter on the fun the rest of our kids have with the elf.

Another friend got one of her gifts early: a very expensive laptop (her 3rd in 4 years). The laptop itself is about twice our entire Christmas budget and when this girl told our older daughters about it, they were both disheartened because they know that she’ll still have so much under the tree that a lot of it won’t even be opened until February, if ever (sadly, that’s no exaggeration–they had to rent a truck a couple months ago to clear out one of the three rooms they use for storage for the old Christmas gifts she either never played with or never opened in anticipation of all the stuff she’d be getting this year that she’ll never play with, then spent a day or two migrating everything from one room to the next).

This led to a discussion about how, just once, they’d like to have a Christmas like that. I told them that, even if I hit the lottery, I’d never give them a Christmas like that. I asked them what they thought these friends believe Christmas is all about. They both agreed that it’s the presents. I then asked them what really mattered. They both said it was the birth of Jesus, giving to and caring for others, and spending time with family. I told them that’s the reason why I’ll never give them an exorbitant Christmas. They got what I was saying, but I don’t think it erased all the bad feelings they had after hearing about the bonanzas their friends would be getting.

 

[pianistclare]

Don’t worry about it.
Once again, you appear to have the meanest relatives and friends on the planet.
It begs believability at times.
But, your children seem to have turned out very well, are well catechized and as children, are beginning to feel the pangs of envy.
Deal with that as a good parent, and they will turn out just fine. Also, stop giving gifts to ungrateful people. If they fuss, say: *“You don’t seem to like our budget minded gifts, and your children seem to their heart’s desire…so…we’re out.” *
Then have your own, nice Christmas.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Don’t worry about it.
Once again, you appear to have the meanest relatives and friends on the planet.
It begs believability at times.
But, your children seem to have turned out very well, are well catechized and as children, are beginning to feel the pangs of envy.
Deal with that as a good parent, and they will turn out just fine. Also, stop giving gifts to ungrateful people. If they fuss, say: *“You don’t seem to like our budget minded gifts, and your children seem to their heart’s desire…so…we’re out.” *
Then have your own, nice Christmas.

I think the person who got so nasty felt I was overstepping my bounds–something they’re an expert at but which greatly offends them if they perceive it in others. Like I said, we don’t voluntarily discuss gifts with them anymore other than to ask what they want. Water under the bridge for the most part. The overblown materialism is something else entirely. I’ve tried to get others to cut back on our own gift exchanges but that tends to not go over well. Instead, we try get the kids involved in picking out the gifts so they’re putting thought and effort into the giving.

I did back out of one long-standing gift exchange this year. The person organizing it increased the spending amount yet again and priced me out of it. They’ll all be getting cards instead. This was actually the last non-family exchange I was involved in. Now, aside from a few gifts that I always give to a particular group of friends, it’s all family.

 

[pianistclare]

I think the person who got so nasty felt I was overstepping my bounds–something they’re an expert at but which greatly offends them if they perceive it in others. Like I said, we don’t voluntarily discuss gifts with them anymore other than to ask what they want. Water under the bridge for the most part. The overblown materialism is something else entirely. I’ve tried to get others to cut back on our own gift exchanges but that tends to not go over well. Instead, we try get the kids involved in picking out the gifts so they’re putting thought and effort into the giving.

I did back out of one long-standing gift exchange this year. The person organizing it increased the spending amount yet again and priced me out of it. They’ll all be getting cards instead. This was actually the last non-family exchange I was involved in. Now, aside from a few gifts that I always give to a particular group of friends, it’s all family.

Well done.

 

[Allegra]

We follow a lot of those guidelines already, but a lot of people we know still seem stumped by them. A big one is the “my kid’s advanced enough that we don’t need to follow the age guidelines.” I thought I was being helpful a couple years ago when I talked to a family member about their tendency to buy their kids gifts that were way too old for their children. If it says “8 years and up” on the package, it’s not for your 3-year-old. I was treated to a scathing lecture on how advanced their children were and how if my kids performed half as well as theirs did (you know, our kids who are much better behaved, read at a higher level and get better grades), we wouldn’t have to worry about them not being able to handle such advanced toys. We don’t discuss gifts with them anymore.

Our biggest challenge, like always, is that our modest Christmases never compare (in our kids’ eyes) to the extravagant Christmases their friends and family get. One of our daughters has a friend whose family’s Elf on the Shelf arrives on Thanksgiving and every morning shows up in a new location with a $10-20 gift for each of the four kids in the family. Our elf doesn’t bring gifts so the fact that this friend has already gotten more from their elf than our kids are going to have under the tree Christmas morning has really soured our one daughter on the fun the rest of our kids have with the elf.

Another friend got one of her gifts early: a very expensive laptop (her 3rd in 4 years). The laptop itself is about twice our entire Christmas budget and when this girl told our older daughters about it, they were both disheartened because they know that she’ll still have so much under the tree that a lot of it won’t even be opened until February, if ever (sadly, that’s no exaggeration–they had to rent a truck a couple months ago to clear out one of the three rooms they use for storage for the old Christmas gifts she either never played with or never opened in anticipation of all the stuff she’d be getting this year that she’ll never play with, then spent a day or two migrating everything from one room to the next).

This led to a discussion about how, just once, they’d like to have a Christmas like that. I told them that, even if I hit the lottery, I’d never give them a Christmas like that. I asked them what they thought these friends believe Christmas is all about. They both agreed that it’s the presents. I then asked them what really mattered. They both said it was the birth of Jesus, giving to and caring for others, and spending time with family. I told them that’s the reason why I’ll never give them an exorbitant Christmas. They got what I was saying, but I don’t think it erased all the bad feelings they had after hearing about the bonanzas their friends would be getting.

If even half the stuff you claim to encounter from the other parents you know is actually true, you really should move and change all you phone numbers.

 

[Allegra]

The age appropriateness thing seems to be a problem with some of my relatives and inlaws. We have a small stockpile of toys that my oldest won’t be ready for for at least a year. My sister’s inlaws are horrible about this and half the time her daughter’s toys are broken and missing pieces before she ever old enough to enjoy them.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

The age appropriateness thing seems to be a problem with some of my relatives and inlaws. We have a small stockpile of toys that my oldest won’t be ready for for at least a year. My sister’s inlaws are horrible about this and half the time her daughter’s toys are broken and missing pieces before she ever old enough to enjoy them.

I’ve been pretty strict about age guidelines for a while. After reading some articles I also talked with a doctor and a child psychologist, both of whom made really big deals about it. Just like the blog post, they said that a lot of research has gone into age appropriateness for toys and that giving your child toys that are too mature for them could actually hamper their development. Since there’s a big span to our kids’ ages, there’s no way we can keep the younger ones from not playing with older toys sometimes but we make sure we stick with the guidelines pretty well. We’ll make occasional exceptions for things like dolls (the guidelines for those mostly being choking hazards) but when it comes to games and developmental toys, we go with the guidelines. Yes, we appreciate hearing that someone thinks our Duplo block-loving 3-year-old is bright enough to handle the Lego advanced building system, but we’re still going to put it in the closet until she’s 8.

 

[maryjk]

The age appropriateness thing seems to be a problem with some of my relatives and inlaws. We have a small stockpile of toys that my oldest won’t be ready for for at least a year. My sister’s inlaws are horrible about this and half the time her daughter’s toys are broken and missing pieces before she ever old enough to enjoy them.

I had relatives that gave presents that were too old/mature for our son. I just put them away, like you have.

It was nice because sometimes our son would end up with new toys when there was no holiday around. It seemed to work out that he was ready for them right around vacation time. So we would get in the car and have new toys to take with us. So it worked out.

 

[Allegra]

I had relatives that gave presents that were too old/mature for our son. I just put them away, like you have.

It was nice because sometimes our son would end up with new toys when there was no holiday around. It seemed to work out that he was ready for them right around vacation time. So we would get in the car and have new toys to take with us. So it worked out.

It works fine for me now, but I’m wondering how well it will work when they’re old enough to remember what they opened and wonder where it is. I don’t think they’ll take too kindly to, “You can have your Christmas present back in three years.”

 

[maryjk]

It works fine for me now, but I’m wondering how well it will work when they’re old enough to remember what they opened and wonder where it is. I don’t think they’ll take too kindly to, “You can have your Christmas present back in three years.”

For us, when he got old enough to remember, and want it, he was really old enough for most toys.

I don’t remember any melt downs because he couldn’t have something that he had opened.

(He is 20 now, so we made it through the kid years.)