Dear veryworried, it sounds to me as though you have too much time on your hands and need to expand your horizons and learn about new places in the world, or new information. Learn about how to do something you’ve always wondered about or in which you’ve had an interest (jewelry making, refinishing furniture, repainting a vehicle, cleaning the dryer vent hose, or making rugs from scrap material, for example). In other words, if you get too hung up on aspects of confession, especially if you tend toward scrupulosity, you’re going to bog yourself down in a quagmire from which it will be diffitcult to extract yourself. Don’t go borrowing trouble–we have enough that just pops up in our lives without looking for it.
Make a plan for confession and follow it! Whether your First Confession was recently or several years ago, it was in the past, so let’s look forward! Find a good list to go over in examining your conscience for your next confession. Pray about what you’re doing. Ask Jesus to help you have true sorrow/contrition for your sins. Make a list so that you don’t forget any sins when you’re in the midst of receiving the sacrament. Arrive early so that you can spend time in prayer and private conversation with Our Lord before you confess to the priest. Use your list as you confess, if you worry that you’ll omit a mortal sin. Accept absolution with a joyful heart. Make a good Act of Contrition. Devoutly say your penance and do any other penance that the priest has given you. SKIP away from church! Rejoice! Your sins are forgiven! You are free of any burdens because you KNOW that you just made a good confession and you KNOW that you didn’t omit anything on your list! And if you do this before every confession, you’ll never again have to worry about the quality of your previous confession! There! Case closed!
Mortal sins are the biggies and the ones which should concern us the most, because we’re in deep doo-doo if we die with the stain of mortal sin upon our souls. Get thee to confession quickly if thouest commits a mortal sin! That’s not to say that we are to shrug off venial sins, because they, too, need to be confessed, but if we die with them on our souls, we still have a chance for heaven . . .after a while.
There are times in life, veryworried, that we seem to be unable to feel anything, and we just go through the motions, sort of numbly trying to keep up with all the things that must be done in our homes and our workplaces before we fall apart. Don’t be too concerned about that. It happens to all of us, to some extent, at least at one point during our lives. Some of us have that happen fairly often. But we ride it out, so to speak, going through the motions until we’re feeling better and can react to things with genuine emotion.
Maybe that’s what you mean when you say you’re not sure if you were sorry? That at times in the past your sorrow was more intense that it has been recently? You’re going through a period during which nothing seems to matter as much as it once did? The Bible says it best: “This, too, shall pass.” Just trust in the Lord. It’s okay! GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS! Keep on keeping on! Persevere. Everything will fall into place. God knows your innermost thoughts, so you don’t need to worry about EXHIBITING sorrow. Since He knows your heart, He knows your sorrow. Put your trust IN HIM.
If you’re tending toward scrupulosity, as you say, then you have too much time to worry about the small stuff. Expand your opportunities to share life and joy with others. Volunteer at a soup kitchen, a hospital, a nursing home, or some other non-profit agency whose goals ring a bell with you. Learn about birds or reptiles or plants. Mow yards for shut-ins and the elderly. Repair a fence or replace light bulbs for an older neighbor. Ferry a carless person on errands. There are a world of things to do that can occupy your time so that you’re not spending too much time needlessly worrying about the degree of your sins or the degree of your sorrow for having committed them.
Smile. Each day. Often. Try to compliment at least one person each day. Find at least one thing to be grateful for each day. Look outward to others. Keep so busy that you have little time to think about your sins until you kneel to say your nightly prayers. Remember that God loves you so much that He sent His only Son to die for you. Rejoice in that! Go to bed and keep saying positive things: “Thank you for this day, dear God. I’m so grateful that my cat’s tumor isn’t cancer. I thank You for that. Thank you for helping me to steer clear of sin today. Thank you for the rain which our farmers needed so desperately.” Go to sleep with a smile on your face!
I hope you understand that I’m trying to help you see positive things in your life, so that you won’t obsess over the small stuff and blow it out of proportion, allowing the small stuff to control you. Blessings to you, veryworried! (And don’t sweat the small stuff!)
