I did already.
And I have been talking to a counselor at church too.
I know I struggle hard sometimes.
But I wouldn’t say my life is miserable. That’s a hard word. There are a lot of very joyful things in my life too.
(I didn’t mean to offend you by saying it’s a hard word.
)
(You know, I have really talked about this before, many times. It’s just that sometimes there is a situation that is a LITTLE bit different - like the “what if I remember wrong?” part. And then I struggle again. I have to rely on that deep confidence in God I guess, that helps me a lot in other areas of life too I think… It’s not that I really believe God isn’t caring and forgiving… I know God is Love… it’s just that sometimes/often doubts sneak in anyway… Not always though, at least so I hope!!!)
It is true that sometimes we can commit a sin and not realize it.
An analogy might be knowing we are physically ill and not knowing what is wrong. We have a pain and don’t know why. We might come to believe that it was caused by an ulcer, or it might be a tumor, or a dozen other possiblitities, and we try to go about fixing the thing we think is wrong. In this case we can not apply the right remedy unless the diagnosis is correct. We might take some pretty painful cures and all the while we were overdosing on vitamin B. To be cured of what ails us we have to know what is wrong and know how to fix it, or someone else has to know and be willing to help us.
The scrupulous know something is wrong, but not what.
Our faith tells us that we are fallen. We are spiritually broken, every one of us. It also tells us we can not fix ourselves. We are sinners and Jesus says anyone who sins is a slave to sin. We need someone more powerful than our slave master to set us free. We believe that person is Jesus. He loves us, even in our sins. It does not matter what our particular sins are. He loves us all. He died for us sinners. That means you.
Whatever it is that is wrong with us Jesus can fix it. If He does not fix it we will not be fixed. We have to trust Him to fix us. There is no other hope for us. Trusting Him is essential. We can not rely on ourselves.
The scrupulous person knows something is wrong, but he blames himself for things that are not really wrong. He picks at scabs until his soul bleeds and inflicts wounds on himself for imaginary faults. If it is not one imaginary sin it is another and he is forever frantic in compulsively searching out flaws that are not there.
This does not mean he has no sin. It only means he has misidentified it. In a way it is a denial of what the real cause of guilt is. All sinners hide their sins. In this case whatever is really wrong Jesus has the cure. He is the cure.
Faith, hope and love are the theological virtues. Without them we can not be saved. Whatever our sins are, if we fail to hope in God, to trust in His mercy, this is a sin against hope.
If we refuse to believe God loves us and forgives us, even for imaginary sins, it is also a sin against faith.
Assume that you have committed some sin. Say it is a sin against purity. You are right that you can’t remember correctly, but it is really a sin. God loves sinners, all of them. This sin does not stop God from loving you.
Assume now the opposite is true. You have not committed a sin. It is in your imagination, not real, but you won’t stop worrying about it. The worry is the real sin. Jesus says, “Let not your hearts be troubled”. “Be not afraid”. Your worry is disobedience. It is a failure to trust in God’s love and mercy for you, and accept it. You will not allow yourself to be loved. That is the sin.
If you want to repent of your sin, stop worrying. Obey Jesus an stop worrying. Trust Him to forgive you.
It is true that no one is worthy of God’s love. That includes me, you and everyone you know. That doesn’t matter. He loves you anyway. You can’t stop Him from loving you. You can refuse to accept His love. It is a take it or leave it proposition. Your worthiness is irrelevant. Will you accept it or not?
Whether or not your faults are real or imagined, when you constantly dwell on them, the result is the same. You are impeding, preventing yourself from accepting God’s love for you, and peace. Whether you had an impure thought, or failed to hope trust in God’s love, God forgives you.
The universal balm for all our failures whatever they are, is grace and mercy.
In a sense it is like there being one medicine for all diseases. If the disease comes back the medicine always works and it is free. All we need to do is take it.
