It sounds like there really isn’t a rule here. Both 1ke and Seatuck suggest that the question is whether he is being “reasonable” in his requests. If he is being reasonable in his requests then I must submit or I am sinning by withholding. If, however, he is being unreasonable in his requests then he is sinning by requesting too much. That is, there isn’t a recommended monthly allowance of sex in a marriage. Unless the denial is complete (i.e., zero times per month), there is only a shade of gray involved.
One must not use the suggestions Seatuck and I gave as a way to withhold sex from their husband. Sexual relations are a normal part of the married life. It is the renewal of the marriage covenant, and the husband and wife-- by virtue of the exclusivity of sex in the marriage-- are not to deny one another.
Yes, one must use reason and common sense along with a lot of communication between each other. If I have the flu, my husband would be nuts to ask me to have sexual relations. He would not do that to me. But, if I’m not ill-- just not particularly in the mood-- I would *never *deny him.
Who decides whether the request is reasonable?
The couple together through prayer and sacrifice. And, if there are mental or physical components, the couple together with a doctor, therapist, and/or priest.
A person will always think their own requests are reasonable and anyone who disagrees is unreasonable, right?
Not true. Through communication, we can explore the other person’s view and come to an empathetic response to their situation.
I have read the catechism, and it does not even touch upon this issue that I could find.
I’ve alreay related the biblical reference, but I didn’t post it:
*1 Corinthians 7: The husband should fulfill his duty toward his wife,and likewise the wife toward her husband. A wife does not have authority over her own body, but rather her husband, and similarly a husband does not have authority over his own body, but rather his wife. Do not deprive each other, except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, to be free for prayer, but then return to one another, so that Satan may not tempt you through your lack
of self-control. *
The Catechism is not a comprehensive guide to every moral issue and every nuance of the faith. It is a summary of the teachings of the Church on faith and morals.
The section on Marriage in the Catechism says this:
1644 The love of the spouses requires, of its very nature, the unity and indissolubility of the spouses’ community of persons, which embraces their entire life: “so they are no longer two, but one flesh.” They “are called to grow continually in their communion through day-to-day fidelity to their marriage promise of total mutual self-giving.”
It is referring to Familiaris Consortio, which says this:
Consequently, sexuality, by means of which man and woman give themselves to one another through the acts which are proper and exclusive to spouses, is by no means something purely biological, but concerns the innermost being of the human person as such. It is realized in a truly human way only if it is an integral part of the love by which a man and a woman commit themselves totally to one another until death. The total physical self-giving would be a lie if it were not the sign and fruit of a total personal self-giving, in which the whole person, including the temporal dimension, is present: if the person were to withhold something or reserve the possibility of deciding otherwise in the future, by this very fact he or she would not be giving totally.
Also, Casti Connubii says this:
*19. The second blessing of matrimony which We said was mentioned by St. Augustine, is the blessing of conjugal honor which consists in the mutual fidelity of the spouses in fulfilling the marriage contract, so that what belongs to one of the parties by reason of this contract sanctioned by divine law, may not be denied to him or permitted to any third person; nor may there be conceded to one of the parties anything which, being contrary to the rights and laws of God and entirely opposed to matrimonial faith, can never be conceded.
- By this same love it is necessary that all the other rights and duties of the marriage state be regulated as the words of the Apostle: “Let the husband render the debt to the wife, and the wife also in like manner to the husband,” express not only a law of justice but of charity*
Again, I strongly suggest that you talk to your doctor, and you both talk to your priest and a competent Catholic counselor.
