Single and desperate

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I have recently been told I give off a desperate vibe. It is true I FEEL desperate. I cannot pretend that I don’t want a relationship. I do! Badly. Is that bad? I thought I would have a family by 30. Why is it things happen so easily for so many people while others like me just seem so unlucky in life? Am I being punished for pride or something? I know I am desperate because my standards have become so low. I thought they were high but last week, I was ready to start something with a clearly unsuitable person in every way and I am ashamed to admit that the only reason it didn’t happen was because HE got spooked. I thought I was over my issues because I have been getting positive male attention lately, but why would I start to fall for a clearly unsuitable person who it appears did not even want me…or did but was quickly put off? I feel my spiritual life is messed up. could that be my issue? I just want a good man to have a life with. I don’t think I’m ugly at all or ill-mannered. which prayer can I say? I just want peace in my hear and my mind. sometimes I just want peace and to be ok with or without a man. I want to find my way to that place of contentment but it often seems impossible. Is this a spiritual trial?
 
Dear Single,
I’m sorry you’re feeling desperate.
I have felt that way in the past myself, as I was a single parent for 17 years.
It may be a spiritual trial, and your way out may be to become closer to God. Remember he loves you very much, more than any man ever could.

I was miserable until one day I was looking at blooming cherry blossoms, and realized that I could enjoy them just as much whether or not I was in a relationship with a man. That might sound silly or trite, but it was a big change for me.

I’m glad you caught yourself before you got involved with someone inappropriate. Believe me, it’s much better to be single than to be with someone abusive, or someone with an addiction, or to have children with someone who turns out to be mean, indifferent, alcoholic or drug-addicted, or who deserts you. Read some of the desperate posts in these forums: if you think you are desperate, some of these folks have plumbed the depths of desperation.

Do you have friends? Try to make some if not, and if you do, try to become closer to them. They will help fill the empty places in your life, and may also introduce you to someone who is right for you. But be assured that having a man in your life is not a panacea for all life’s problems; often it brings even greater problems.
I pray that you will try to become closer to our Lord and the Blessed Mother. Remember God has a plan for you, to give you a future and a hope.
 
The Lord always puts us on the right track when we focus on Him, and make Him number one in our lives.

Then the world and the others in it will take on new meaning for you, and you will recognize the wonder of God’s perfect plan for us.

To rush into a relationship in a hurry, and to settle for “less” is opening up the door to real misery.
 
Dear One, Please don’t be desperate or even act desperate. Any prospective boyfriend worth his salt will instinctively run from a seemingly desperate young woman. Confidence is very appealing. So your job is to become more confident therefore becoming less desperate. There are many ways to become more confident but first of all you need to not panic about being single. You seem to think that everyone else has what you think you need (husband and family), but the truth is that many, many Catholic women are in the same situation as you. I would recommend the book “A Catholic Girl’s Guide to Staying Sane in the Single Years” by Emily Stimpson. It is a great book full of good advice and the author herself is a single Catholic woman eager to get married. She wrote the book because there is a need for it due to people in their twenties and thirties delaying marriage. You are just part of a generation that is delaying marriage in droves. And unfortunately there are many in your generation who have no belief in God so that makes it harder to find the right person. So don’t blame yourself too much.
Instead become the best version of yourself. Prepare for a possible marriage but also take time to do things that you enjoy. Join a Catholic dating site and see if you can find any Catholic young adult groups in your archdiocese. Volunteer, take an interesting class, and let people know that you are on the market (but not desperate!).
Remember that God loves you and wants you to live a good life with or without marriage. Choose a spouse carefully because if you don’t you will soon find out that there are worse things than not being married.
 
Learn to enjoy being single and you may then attract the right kind of man for you. I know someone who didn’t get married until age 49. They adopted a little girl and are very happy together. Marriage can still happen for you - it just may not happen in the time frame you want now.
 
There are some recent articles over at the Catholic Match Institute blog that may be helpful to you. Scroll down the page to see more after the first one.

catholicmatch.com/institute/blog/

You were correct not to rush into something with an unsuitable man. You have control over your appearance, your attitude and where you go to find men interested in marriage. Prayer is an excellent start, but only a start, it will not deliver a husband to your door, you have to get out there, then there is a better chance that God may put someone in your path. Good luck.
 
Just keep praying. It could be God is not calling you to marriage. Even if he is, he might call you to get married late in life. I have heard lots of stories of older folks getting married in their 70s or older. I understand how you feel though. I am not “desperate” to get married and have kids, but I do feel a calling to it. I worry that I will get married too old to have kids. So I pray every day that God will reward my prayer and giving back to others with a wife to love and cherish for the rest of my years. It is hard knowing this prayer may never be answered, but I know that marriage is ultimately only an earthly thing. In death we only serve God, for all eternity. No matter what, we will be completely satisfied by His presence. We won’t need a husband or wife then. Until then, keep praying.
 
You’ve got to get out of your head and away from these negative thoughts. Focus this Lent on building trust in God, and in placing these anxieties in God’s hands. If you have the desire for marriage, God will fulfill it. Work on having peace and trust God.

There is a christian writer, Cheryl McKay, who I really like. She didn’t marry didn’t almost 40. She wrote a book called “Finally the Bride” that is quite good because it’s written in real time, over the course of 10 years (if I remember correctly) of her ups and downs and hopes and despairs of single life. The last chapter was written when she married.

I honestly believe that at the end of time, it will be uncovered that the greatest suffering of this time is all the lost vocations, all the frustration and suffering of people like you. Take heart that for right now, God has chosen you to suffer a very hard burden. Try to suffer nobly and trust in Him that all will be well, and you will be happy in this life. Right now, your life has value in its suffering.
 
I’ve found myself thinking the exact opposite lately. I can’t imagine myself with woman right now. I’m struggling just to simplify my life enough to give God the time he needs. I fear that if I were to become involved with a woman she would be put on the back burner.

I think what we must realize is that God has a plan for us. We do not need to try and grasp at things or will things to happen, because God will take care of those details. Just try to be content with what He has given you today.
 
Sometimes I regret being a Catholic. Sometimes I think that if I were worldly I would be happy like my old friends who are all married. But when I was in college and had the opportunity to date I was with a group that taught me to be a prude and I got a reputation and ended up never dating anyone. Other things in my life conspired to make it hard to date then. Now I feel like my moment is passed. I have gotten over some issues I had but seems its not enough. No man I like likes me. It seems only people I don’t like notice me. I’m so fed up with it all. I want to burst open with frustration. I cry at least once every week. sometimes more. I ve been alone all my life. Why can’t I be with someone now. Will I be alone forever? why is it such burdens someone spoke about are placed on only some people. someone made fun of me and asked me for all I think I have going for me why I cant attract the attention of even the most undesirable man. it was so painful. because deep down I also have the thought in my own head. this person only spoke it. I want to be ok by myself, sometimes I am, but sometimes i’m not. I hate the shame and embarrassment of my status. they asked me recently for my age and I lied. I said 29. because all the single ladies were 24 or 25. I was so ashamed of both my real age and of lying. I I just want to be in a better position but I feel trapped. i’m sorry for all my negative energy. sometimes ranting.
 
KDamgirl,

I don’t speak for all men, but when I was single and open to a relationship one quality that would attract me was a woman’s happiness or at least the prospect that she could be happy more often than not.

Secondly, understand that for some of us including myself all aspects of dating are hard. Regarding you regretting being Catholic I’d say that it is probably part of who you are. If you try to go against who you are or suppress key parts of your personality in order to find someone or keep a future relationship it will not go well.

Also, you said guys you like don’t like you. Have they indicated such or have they just not shown interest? I ask because even in our late 20s and early 30s some of us have no clue when a woman is trying to get us to ask her out.
 
Are you attracted only to high status men? Do you ignore their more ordinary brothers who might be sitting a few rows away at Mass? That would be a good explanation why the men you are attracted to aren’t interested in you, high status men are attractive to most women in general, hence they have options. Which may not include you. You may need to take a second look at some of the men you have been dismissing before, you may have overlooked a diamond… Good luck.
 
KDamgirl said:
Sometimes I regret being a Catholic. Sometimes I think that if I were worldly I would be happy like my old friends who are all married. But when I was in college and had the opportunity to date I was with a group that taught me to be a prude and I got a reputation and ended up never dating anyone. Other things in my life conspired to make it hard to date then. Now I feel like my moment is passed. I have gotten over some issues I had but seems its not enough. No man I like likes me. It seems only people I don’t like notice me. I’m so fed up with it all. I want to burst open with frustration. I cry at least once every week. sometimes more. I ve been alone all my life. Why can’t I be with someone now. Will I be alone forever? why is it such burdens someone spoke about are placed on only some people. someone made fun of me and asked me for all I think I have going for me why I cant attract the attention of even the most undesirable man. it was so painful. because deep down I also have the thought in my own head. this person only spoke it. I want to be ok by myself, sometimes I am, but sometimes i’m not. I hate the shame and embarrassment of my status. they asked me recently for my age and I lied. I said 29. because all the single ladies were 24 or 25. I was so ashamed of both my real age and of lying. I I just want to be in a better position but I feel trapped. i’m sorry for all my negative energy. sometimes ranting.
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Have you spoken to those men? They might be interested, but just don’t know you very well. Most people don’t feel love at first sight. It’s something that grows on them after they have been friends for a long time. Love at first sight is a fairy tale. Sometimes it does happen, but usually it doesn’t. You might need to make the first contact. This could be just small talk when you see him alone or if you know you share certain interests, you could invite him to some activity just as a friend. Just because he looks great or has a lot of money, doesn’t mean he would be a good husband. You have to really get to know him before you can be sure.
 
For someone who is single and desperate I need to introduce you to Seraphic Singles. The blogger has also published a book written when she was single. Yes, full disclosure, was. She was on her honeymoon when she found out her book was going to be published. But she has not forgotten her singles, especially single women, and continues to blog for them, giving them encouragement and acknowledging the weird experiences we sometimes have. I think her blog is intelligent and thoughtful, but also very funny. She’s a Canadian writing from Scotland which gives her blog a bit more flavor. Give her a read and see if she can help give you some perspective and hope.
 
I am sorry you are so distressed. I think I understand your posts are in part an outlet for your frustration, and maybe, more than anything, you just need good listeners. We are listening. 🙂

If I am not being intrusive, could you answer a couple questions?

What is your “status”, and why do you feel there is “shame and embarrassment” associated with it?

Can you share with us some of the good things you have going for you now?
 
KDamgirl said:
I have recently been told I give off a desperate vibe. It is true I FEEL desperate. I cannot pretend that I don’t want a relationship. I do! Badly. Is that bad? I thought I would have a family by 30. Why is it things happen so easily for so many people while others like me just seem so unlucky in life? Am I being punished for pride or something? I know I am desperate because my standards have become so low. I thought they were high but last week, I was ready to start something with a clearly unsuitable person in every way and I am ashamed to admit that the only reason it didn’t happen was because HE got spooked. I thought I was over my issues because I have been getting positive male attention lately, but why would I start to fall for a clearly unsuitable person who it appears did not even want me…or did but was quickly put off? I feel my spiritual life is messed up. could that be my issue? I just want a good man to have a life with. I don’t think I’m ugly at all or ill-mannered. which prayer can I say? I just want peace in my hear and my mind. sometimes I just want peace and to be ok with or without a man. I want to find my way to that place of contentment but it often seems impossible. Is this a spiritual trial?
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Well I know were your coming from. I’m 51 years old never been married I haven’t been in a relationship for awhile now. And mind you, I come from a big family. I have two sisters and six brother, I’m third oldest, and they’re all married and average three kids each. Yet here I am single. I have had a couple of girl friends tho. Believe me, I’ve been alone so long, some think Im gay. I pray and leave it to God. I don’t let it bother me. Many friends have told me that Im lucky for not being married. I wouldn’t know. Well at any rate, keep your head up to the light, even if for the moment you do not see.

God bless

jesus g
 
I’m 38 going on 39 this year and still single 🙂 Of course there are times you feel sad especially when you think about the future and the possibility of growing old alone. But don’t you worry, God is in the now and in the future. Pray, pray and pray… HE will strengthen you :):hug1:
 
I understand where you’re coming from. It’s a hard, lonely business when you want so much to be loved. This can also happen with friendships. I had two very close friends who both died of cancer three years ago and since their loss, life has been very lonely, but busy helping look after the children they left behind and with my own family.
One of the widowed husbands remarried recently - someone I knew from Uni days when she first became a Catholic. She was 32 and had been praying a novena to St Therese when she saw my friend’s profile on a Catholic dating site (which my other friend had signed him up for). They corresponded and spoke on the phone before their first date where he gave her a rose (people often receive a rose when a prayer to St Therese is answered). His first wife, my dear friend, had also had a great devotion to St Therese and they had married in a church dedicated to her and she had died on her feast day,
My other friend longs to find a wife who will love him and his 6 children and share his faith with them. He often despairs and wonders why his friend found someone so quickly while his possible romances have been so disastrous.
I will pray for you to be given the strength to bear each day and to find what God is calling you to do each day, as I offer up my own loneliness, as I long for another close friend.
 
KDamgirl,

I totally see where you are coming from. I struggled with the same thing for a long time. All thru high school, then college, and even after college, I still didn’t have a ‘first’ boyfriend. It was very difficult, although I had very high standards, there were times I wondered if I was being too strict with myself. There were few guys that I was interested in, and I never got the same response. Around the time just after college, I realized I just needed to be at peace with where I was, and felt God was telling me to continue to wait. So I waited… and waited… and waited. I had prayed about it endlessly, adoration, and I also prayed for my possible future spouse… I even looked into religious life thinking maybe that is what I was supposed to do… but even then the vocation director told me I should try dating someone, haha yeah, my reaction was who? I did not want to be desperate, but something I thought of was looking at Catholic match Several of my friends met their spouse on Catholic Match… so I thought I’d give it a try, but I was very cautious about it, and continued to pray. For me Catholic Match just happened to work… low and behold the first man I talked to, is now my husband. And we just had our first child, I am 28. It seemed like it took forever, and even though I wished to marry in my early 20’s, I am glad I waited, he was worth it.

I say don’t give up hope yet, God may be asking you to trust in him, wait on him. Have you tried going to adoration? It is so peaceful. Start praying for your future spouse, pray to be at peace with where you are now. God can turn things that seem sour into something sweet, just trust him. Everyone has a different vocation, and there is nothing wrong with seeking it out to see what it may be.
 
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