Single and desperate

[anytimequilter]

KDamgirl - I am single and have been for some time. So I know exactly how you feel. I accepted and was happy with who I could have and that ended in divorce. I will no longer compromise on things to have a partner. (I don’t mean a color of clothing, I mean the important things… church, kids, home life) I did see flags before I married, but I did not have other options… so I chose to be happy with what I had. I was wrong.

Do you live in an area where there are plenty of singles your age? I blame my area on my problems… I know 1 single man my age who I could go out… and he was hurt so bad by his wife he may never get in a relationship again. I want to know where the “man store” is so I can pick from at least 5 or 10 men… not just one.

I have tried the dating sites, but again I live so far out of areas of big cities there is no hope unless I want to drive for an hour or more. When my kids are out of school I will consider moving, but now I have to keep them where they are. Actually eharmony told me that they had no matches for me… like I didn’t know that already

 

[CWM31]

Its hard to be single for some of us. I am single myself, probably will stay that way indefinitely but the fact of the matter is, that God will always provide, he knows that we face many things whether we are single or in a relationship. The best thing we can do is hope and pray that good things will happen. Stay the course.

 

[kelvinf]

To be brief and honest, and this is just my opinion, whenever guys avoid a woman just like that, then I tend to believe it has to do with physical issues. I know there are single women who have set high standards and are very picky. I am not talking about such women who are the ones avoiding certain guys. But when it’s the other way round, then it’s usually a visual issue, I believe. I am just saying.

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

To be brief and honest, and this is just my opinion, whenever guys avoid a woman just like that, then I tend to believe it has to do with physical issues. I know there are single women who have set high standards and are very picky. I am not talking about such women who are the ones avoiding certain guys. But when it’s the other way round, then it’s usually a visual issue, I believe. I am just saying.

But it may not be the kind of visual you are thinking. A great many of us are visually attracted to women who project happiness more so the skimpy clothes or body types.

 

[Deltadeliquent]

Try the dating sites.
But think of it as shopping. You are the consumer here, that will pervent you from seeming desperate. You are in control. Have fun. The computer will let you be open about yourself, yet safe. He can’t touch you from behind a screen. You can be really sure you want it before you meet. And it easier to say no, thanks behind a screen.
Always meet in public places and don’t go to his house unless you are ready to go further.

You might still kiss a lot of frogs, but your chances of finding a prince will be magnified.

Gave me a real sense of power, control and safety over finding a mate. It gave me access to men I would never have met in real life. Bigger pond, ya see.

It worked for me! It’s not been perfect, but it’s been good. (Mostly). 12 years now.
Good luck!

 

[shainski]

I was single into my early 40s. I had always wanted a family - but it just wasn’t happening. I was busy - i had thrown myself into my work and career.

When I turned around 40 - i just had to reevaluate. after taking inventory of my life, I discovered that i was pretty happy. I could enjoy my life if I stayed single forever - and it was far far better than being in an unhappy marriage. (I was at the age, where many people my age were going through divorces).

And as soon as I realized that I would probably never find the right person - and I should just concentrate on having a fulfilling life by myself, an incredible thing happened.

I found the right person. I met a woman, we fell in love - got married. And here it is a decade later. I’m married and have 4 kids.

So what changed? I have to think that it was me. I did pray to God to let me know what it was that I should do with my life. But things didn’t change overnight. Then when i reached 40, and when I had finally given up on the thought that I should be married and needed to have children to be content - and I became content with myself in my own right, all of a sudden, everything changed. (I say all of a sudden but it was two and half years later - when I was 42 that I met my wife.)

Be content with yourself. Don’t think that someone else is going to complete you. And when you are complete all by yourself, you will be very attractive to a person who is right for you. Don’t lower your standards - but make sure you haven’t erected a list of qualifications that excludes everyone one on earth.

and when you get there - enjoy you!. 29 isn’t really so very old - when i look at that age from my vantage point, it seems pretty young.

 

[angelic06]

To be brief and honest, and this is just my opinion, whenever guys avoid a woman just like that, then I tend to believe it has to do with physical issues. I know there are single women who have set high standards and are very picky. I am not talking about such women who are the ones avoiding certain guys. But when it’s the other way round, then it’s usually a visual issue, I believe. I am just saying.

You do not think we gentleman do not also have high standards, do we?

 

[Xantippe]

If you are giving a desperate vibe off, definitely work on that. Maybe take a class on public speaking and work on body language? Or take a second job in retail and work on confidence and talking to strangers? Or see a therapist? Or invest in nice clothes and a gym membership? Or move? Or all of the above?

A lot of people don’t date in college. In fact, I’m older than you, and even when I was in college, there was barely any dating at all. I don’t think you missed anything.

You’re also not that old, objectively speaking. It’s not that late and you have a good decade ahead of you in which it would be not unreasonable to raise a family–maybe even a little more like that if you’re willing to roll the dice.

Being Catholic probably has nothing at all to do with it. It’s just HARD being a single gal.

 

[angelic06]

You do not think we gentleman do not also have high standards, do we?

As for me, I am just plain old super picky. jk.

(This post was supposed to be an edit to my quoted one above, but the time limit expired just as I was going to make a change.)

 

[Xantippe]

shainski,

That was really inspiring.

“Don’t lower your standards - but make sure you haven’t erected a list of qualifications that excludes everyone one on earth.”

Very true.

I was on a site elsewhere where a woman was griping about how her new boyfriend didn’t even know what artichokes, okra and brussell sprouts were so they must be incompatible. She was seriously thinking about dumping him over a bunch of B-list veggies!!!

 

[Bezant]

KDam if by desperate you mean “deliverance from singlehood” or someone to give you the confidence you lack, then it will be difficult attracting or settling down with worthier candidates.

Personally, I’m uncomfortable if I sense desperation in a woman; I can’t help but question her motives. Is she just telling me what she thinks I want to hear? Does she relax? Does she expect more from me than I’m ready to give? Is she really looking for a parent? Or a therapist? Or just Somebody, Anybody? Will I be asked to sacrifice time, effort and freedom to every insecure moment?

Life will not necessarily follow the script you write, and, barring death and taxes, nothing is guaranteed or punctual or explained. You might meet your future spouse tomorrow. Maybe he ticks every box on your list; maybe he reinvents the entire list. Or, down the road you might discover the single life works best for you. However things end, I think you are in a better position single and unhappy but working toward improving the things you can control. Instead of “feeling” through and drowning in the situation, try adjusting your actions in practical ways, like limiting negative commentary or behaving like a pariah. You could also adjust dating strategies; casual interaction with the opposite sex might be a more realistic short-term focus than marriage. You can still flirt, dance, go out for drinks, to parties, etc. without the pessure of making things happen with a particular guy by a particular deadline. It could also help make up for lack of experience.

 

[mellowcupcake]

hello, thank you for sharing your story! i wish i could give you a hug and tell you it will be ok, - I know God has a plan for you I will pray for you
i know you mentioned your group in school did not date-have you ever dated before?

 

[JorduSpeaks]

I think I know where you’re coming from, and it’s something I struggle with, too. I’m a thirty year old man, and I’ve not had a single relationship. Not one. Every day that goes by makes me feel more and more like some pathetic loser, and I constantly wonder, if “it is not good for man to be alone” why it is apparently good for ME to be alone. I wonder why God formed me into something so repulsive to women.

I asked women out in high school with no affirmative responses. In college and after I would sometimes get maybe one or two dates before a woman decided that her life was better without me, but never three or more. So, whatever is wrong with me must be pretty obvious. I tried online dating, too, and that was at least more efficient. Before, I could get rejected maybe once or twice a month, but online I could get rejected ten or more times a week!

The issue of being “desperate” feels like a real catch 22, as well. I’ve been told on multiple occasions that the very act of asking a woman out makes me seem desperate. So, if I had to describe my ideal match, I guess I would have to include the word “psychic”.

Right now, I don’t ask women out at all, for much the same reason I don’t flap my arms around in airports as an alternative to plane tickets–it’s embarrassing and it doesn’t work. Since every woman I’ve ever met or tried to contact has basically reached the same conclusion about me–namely, that I am an unacceptably inadequate specimen of a man–I’m more or less inclined to agree with them by this point. They can’t all be wrong, right?

I just try to find meaning in my situation by assuming that me being single is for the best. If being in a relationship with me would make the other person miserable, and if I would be miserable knowing that I’m directly responsible for the suffering of someone I care about, then getting into a relationship would only serve to double the number of unhappy people on this little mud ball whizzing through the cosmos. It’s cold comfort, I know, but it’s the only comfort I’ve got. I hope God provides you with something better.

 

[Rose71]

Hang in there everyone!

Writing as someone who expreienced all the self-doubt, frustration and anger that you guys are going through, I can assure you that it will pass. I am geting married in a few weeks’ time, to the most amazing man I have ever met. He’s kind, honest, thoughtful, has a strong sense of family values, shares my hobbies, gets on well with my family, handsome, hard-working and…

He’d never had a girlfriend before! In fact, it took him nearly 4 years to pluck up the courage to ask me out, partly because he thought I was only interested in someone else.

I’m one of those ‘good Catholic girls’ who was encouraged to work hard and pray hard and consequently, grew up with a rather mixed message that women ought to strive for a career and be self-supporting (kept woman was the biggest insult ever!!!) and not marry for any apparent need for security - financial (greedy) or emotional (week) BUT…as a Catholic, of course, that meant staying a virgin…which does limit potential partners!

Looking back, I learned an awful lot about myself through my single years and I also had some amazing expreiences as part of clubs and groups that I just would not have been able to put the time into had I been in a relationship.

Obviously, there are always going to be the mean-spirited people who can’t help but rain on your parade by saying ridiculous things like, “Oh, that sounds like a lovely weekend - of course, you can do that kind of thing when you’re SINGLE!” (ouch!)

Ignore them! Or even forgive them! Itis jealousy and / or ignorance.

Personally, I beleive that coming into a stable and committed relationship later in life has been one HUGE blessing. I was a late-maturer emotionally (I admmit it!) and now I think we both value our relationship as a real treasure and a gift from God. We both have a lot of experience to bring to the table, in terms of just living our lives and getting along with people and I honestly think being the ‘single’ ones at so many gatherings over the years has given us a more thoughtful approach to the way we deal with other people.

The Final Hurdle, if I can call it that, for me, was a totally unexpected and massive surge of self-doubt and confusion after I’d said ‘yes’ to the proposal. I was flattened by it!

Fortunatley, after a lot of praying and reading and thinking, I realised that to be really grown up and accept my vocation as a wife, I had to truly surrender myself to God and to my future husband. I had to finally accept that I am not alone in this world and that my life is not one bit drama of ‘fight or flight’ : living in survival-mode all day every day because “I’m SINGLE! I am responsibel for my life! I NEED to be independent and strong…”

Ultimatley, it has been a truly humbling experience to know that a man can know me and all my faults and quirks and still love me. As a child of God, that ought to be the easiest thing in the worls to accept, because God made Man in his own likeness…but when it dawned on me, it was a total revelation and made me quite shamefaced about my hitherto belief that I was a really informed and ‘proper’ Catholic because I’d saved myself for marriage and attended Mass

:thumbsup:And just remember- this miracle-worker, who has managed to allow me to truly see God’s love and peace in the world is that man who had utterly written himself off; had never bothered asking any woman out before and who actually - when it came to the crunch - could only pluck up the courage to send a text!!!

 

[kelvinf]

But it may not be the kind of visual you are thinking. A great many of us are visually attracted to women who project happiness more so the skimpy clothes or body types.

Maybe. Yeah, looks could mean lots of things.

You do not think we gentleman do not also have high standards, do we?

As for me, I am just plain old super picky. jk.

(This post was supposed to be an edit to my quoted one above, but the time limit expired just as I was going to make a change.)

Haha, of course, some gentlemen do set high standards. However, I was specifically talking about single women. High standards is relative anyways.

Right, there are some guys who are picky for mostly the right reasons. But I know that most of us guys are first and foremost picky in the domain of looks. Let’s not pretend.

For the OP, I strongly believe she needs to find out why this “undesirable” guy wasn’t interested in her. I believe this “most undesirable man” is her key in finding closure! Of course, it was wrong for the OP’s friend to make fun of her but me too beg the question why such an “unsuitable” man would reject a Catholic woman who was temporarily tempted to want to be in a relationship with him “in every way”. SHE NEEDS TO KNOW WHY THIS GUY WASN’T INTERESTED!!!
When a “bad” guy rejects a woman, then that’s huge. Let’s not pretend.

The way we see ourselves is of course not necessarily the way others see us. This dude can tell her the thing about her that spooked him as she said. If it’s something negative like her character (and I strongly doubt that’s the reason), then she can change. If it’s something not inherently wrong which she can’t change, then she needs to accept the reality, build up her self-esteem and move on with her life like single moms do for instance.

Sometimes we just need to put sweet talks aside and try to get to the bottom of the matter instead.
:twocents:

 

[faith_always]

Dear OP, I can relate to your struggles… one thing I have a hard time with is being single. Give your anxiety, your fears, and your sadness over to God, and try to live one day at a time. We’re not meant to handle any more than a day’s worth of life’s hardships. Trust that he’s molding you in every way, preparing you for his plans for you, and lovingly guiding you forward, one day at a time, one step at a time. Some things don’t make sense to us right now, and that’s okay. We’re meant to trust and accept like a child, and to try and not ask questions. Try to focus on what you’re asked to do today- immerse yourself in faith, surround yourself with love, pray for help to follow God’s will, to have your heart softened by him and filled with peace and serenity.

Work on being the woman you want to be, the way that you look for a strong, happy, God centered, loving man to be with. You want to have a full and happy life without a man- and then, you bring a partner into your life to share your happiness with each other. Keep in mind that if it seems others are married all around you, we don’t know the struggles and hardships they may go through- or how happy and healthy their relationship might actually be. Trust God, work at it, even if some days it seems like you’re going hour by hour, or minute by minute. Use this time to grow closer to God, to know yourself, and to become the well rounded, beautiful, balanced person God has created you to be- things WILL fall into place if you are patient and listen to God; trust. God gave you the desire to love and be loved- he created you, he knows you better than we even know ourselves.

There’s are all things I try to practice, read about, pray about, and breathe in when I feel lost or scared. I tried to force a relationship with a guy maybe half a year ago, knowing that I needed to stay single. I made him out in my mind to be something he was not, and let me values fall to the wayside to try and force a square peg into a round hole. I disregarded crucial differences between us- his lack of faith, for one. Thankfully, looking back now, he was wise for our ages, to back out quickly before anything serious happened, whereas I was determined to push forward out of desperation and loneliness. It took me months to recover simply from the rejection. When I listen to God and trust him to guide me, life never breaks me… I’m strong, and can handle life’s difficulties. Be strong! Be kind, be patient, forgive past relationships, live with faith right now, and have no fear of the future!!

 

[onegirlinchrist]

I got my heart broken so badly, still miss that guy…

And I’m 29 and single!

For what it’s worth, I’ve found that singleness has ended up being a great blessing in my life. Missing that man made me search for God, because I wanted “answers.” And that sent me on a quest for Jesus Christ and, in my search ,to Catholicism, which I am investigating with relish. I realize now that God wanted me to find Him first.

Trust in the Lord. Keeping working on you. He will provide you with exactly what is best for you and your life, in His own time.