Single girl and standards :)

[canadiannurse]

Hello everyone,

This will come with a bit of an introduction as well! I have been a nurse for a year now, living in Canada. I was born and raised Catholic, was an alter server and a lector when I was a child and teen. I was part of my unversity’s Catholic club (secretary). After graduation from that first degree, I fell away from the faith for some reason. There was no real reason - I think perhaps my knowledge of the Catholic church and living life for God was not deep enough. After a few years a friend invited me to her Protestant church and it did not take me very long to realize I belonged in the Catholic church! My confession after being away for so long and living such a secular life was highly uncomfortable but felt so free after. After that I started going to Mass more than once a week, and my studying of theology and the history of our Church, and reading the lives of various saints, were part of my deepening faith.

A couple of years ago I realized I could only marry a Catholic man (I had been dating non Catholic men). I thought that was it, I was ready, go to church a little, try to be good, and I’m ready for marriage. (haha!) I had a relationship with a Catholic man but realized the depth and interest in his faith was not as deep. He had been a Protestant convert as a teenager but some of his views were more Protestant than Catholic. That lasted for about a year, although the majority of it was long distance. He, his father, and I had a talk one night about how a relationship needs to be built on a solid foundation over time.

I realized having a solid foundation for my life was essential to preparing myself for marriage. I don’t think thats something I have been taught before, though I am becoming more familiar with this idea after being introduced to the Everts thoughts on dating and I’m also now taking a Theology of the Body course (not to understand no premarital sex, but the bigger picture of what PJPII was trying to convey). Essentially trying to be the type of person I would want to marry.

Now my question is for the singles and the married people - in terms of being ready for marriage (preparation, lifestyle, etc), what were your deal breakers for dating? I want to only marry a Catholic man who is devout, places God first, and is active in the church. I am on a Catholic dating site and there are plenty of men are that really appear to be in the same place as I am - they have worked out a solid foundation on their own life, based on their relationship with Christ, are actively involved in some kind of ministry, and are at a point financially where they can start a family within an appropriate time period.

I remember Crystallina Evert stating she had made a list while in adoration of all the traits she wanted in a man. I believe she has been quite clear that her husband did meet that criteria.

I am not concerned about things like - what is his education, how much money does he make, or how cute he is. Before returning so deeply into my faith a few years ago, I had very poor standards and very unrelated to a good marriage standards (i.e. education was a big one for me but had no respect towards the body). I kind of just want to know its okay to have these standards, if it is something God has put into my heart. I am more than willing to talk over what these standards are.

As an example of when to know someone is right for you or not and when to pursue things further. I have been talking to a guy for a few weeks now (long distance) and while I have enjoyed getting to know him, I am seeing key things missing in his life. It seems like he just recently thought about wanting to get married, but doesn’t appear to have done any mental/spiritual preparation for what marriage means. Our lives are very different - he goes out on late dinners when I am already in bed. He doesn’t seem to be involved in the Church other than going to Mass on Sundays. He doesn’t seem to have any sort of connection with other Catholic men - in fact the time he spends the most with is a non Catholic girl and some of the things they do make my spidey senses light up. There are several other things, but I feel as though God is telling me, he is not the right one for me, or not right for me as who he is right now. While I understand a person’s faith is always an evolution, I am not out to flirt to convert

I say all of this because I have had some non Catholic coworkers remind me that I’m getting old and I shouldn’t be picky, and in fact should be open to marrying a non Catholic. But my faith is very important to me, and I want to be with a man who will attend Mass with me, pray with me, and live a Godly life. Not a saintly life but at least try Nobody is perfect, and I certainly have my many flaws. And I am 32 in case anyone is wondering why people are calling me an old maid already

 

[Xantippe]

Hello everyone,

This will come with a bit of an introduction as well! I have been a nurse for a year now, living in Canada. I was born and raised Catholic, was an alter server and a lector when I was a child and teen. I was part of my unversity’s Catholic club (secretary). After graduation from that first degree, I fell away from the faith for some reason. There was no real reason - I think perhaps my knowledge of the Catholic church and living life for God was not deep enough. After a few years a friend invited me to her Protestant church and it did not take me very long to realize I belonged in the Catholic church! My confession after being away for so long and living such a secular life was highly uncomfortable but felt so free after. After that I started going to Mass more than once a week, and my studying of theology and the history of our Church, and reading the lives of various saints, were part of my deepening faith.

A couple of years ago I realized I could only marry a Catholic man (I had been dating non Catholic men). I thought that was it, I was ready, go to church a little, try to be good, and I’m ready for marriage. (haha!) I had a relationship with a Catholic man but realized the depth and interest in his faith was not as deep. He had been a Protestant convert as a teenager but some of his views were more Protestant than Catholic. That lasted for about a year, although the majority of it was long distance. He, his father, and I had a talk one night about how a relationship needs to be built on a solid foundation over time.

I realized having a solid foundation for my life was essential to preparing myself for marriage. I don’t think thats something I have been taught before, though I am becoming more familiar with this idea after being introduced to the Everts thoughts on dating and I’m also now taking a Theology of the Body course (not to understand no premarital sex, but the bigger picture of what PJPII was trying to convey). Essentially trying to be the type of person I would want to marry.

Now my question is for the singles and the married people - in terms of being ready for marriage (preparation, lifestyle, etc), what were your deal breakers for dating? I want to only marry a Catholic man who is devout, places God first, and is active in the church. I am on a Catholic dating site and there are plenty of men are that really appear to be in the same place as I am - they have worked out a solid foundation on their own life, based on their relationship with Christ, are actively involved in some kind of ministry, and are at a point financially where they can start a family within an appropriate time period.

I remember Crystallina Evert stating she had made a list while in adoration of all the traits she wanted in a man. I believe she has been quite clear that her husband did meet that criteria.

I am not concerned about things like - what is his education, how much money does he make, or how cute he is. Before returning so deeply into my faith a few years ago, I had very poor standards and very unrelated to a good marriage standards (i.e. education was a big one for me but had no respect towards the body). I kind of just want to know its okay to have these standards, if it is something God has put into my heart. I am more than willing to talk over what these standards are.

As an example of when to know someone is right for you or not and when to pursue things further. I have been talking to a guy for a few weeks now (long distance) and while I have enjoyed getting to know him, I am seeing key things missing in his life. It seems like he just recently thought about wanting to get married, but doesn’t appear to have done any mental/spiritual preparation for what marriage means. Our lives are very different - he goes out on late dinners when I am already in bed. He doesn’t seem to be involved in the Church other than going to Mass on Sundays. He doesn’t seem to have any sort of connection with other Catholic men - in fact the time he spends the most with is a non Catholic girl and some of the things they do make my spidey senses light up. There are several other things, but I feel as though God is telling me, he is not the right one for me, or not right for me as who he is right now. While I understand a person’s faith is always an evolution, I am not out to flirt to convert

I say all of this because I have had some non Catholic coworkers remind me that I’m getting old and I shouldn’t be picky, and in fact should be open to marrying a non Catholic. But my faith is very important to me, and I want to be with a man who will attend Mass with me, pray with me, and live a Godly life. Not a saintly life but at least try Nobody is perfect, and I certainly have my many flaws. And I am 32 in case anyone is wondering why people are calling me an old maid already

Your instincts sound very sound.

If you are currently in a smaller city, would you consider moving to a larger community with better prospects? Ideally, it would be nice to be able to check out people’s personal habits before investing large amounts of time and effort in them (as one has to with online dating).

 

[pacomius]

marriage is lifelong so a slow patient consideration is worth it. preferences differ, but my top preference in a relationship is understanding… Two people who understand one another; their needs and fears, who are not perfect but are ready to make concessions for one another’s needs, and who can live together for 90 years without getting bored or fed up… find him/her and you have found a soul mate.

 

[edwest2]

Hello everyone,

This will come with a bit of an introduction as well! I have been a nurse for a year now, living in Canada. I was born and raised Catholic, was an alter server and a lector when I was a child and teen. I was part of my unversity’s Catholic club (secretary). After graduation from that first degree, I fell away from the faith for some reason. There was no real reason - I think perhaps my knowledge of the Catholic church and living life for God was not deep enough. After a few years a friend invited me to her Protestant church and it did not take me very long to realize I belonged in the Catholic church! My confession after being away for so long and living such a secular life was highly uncomfortable but felt so free after.

A couple of years ago I realized I could only marry a Catholic man (I had been dating non Catholic men). I thought that was it, I was ready, go to church a little, try to be good, and I’m ready for marriage. (haha!) I had a relationship with a Catholic man but realized the depth and interest in his faith was not as deep. He had been a Protestant convert as a teenager but some of his views were more Protestant than Catholic. That lasted for about a year, although the majority of it was long distance. He, his father, and I had a talk one night about how a relationship needs to be built on a solid foundation over time.

I realized having a solid foundation for my life was essential to preparing myself for marriage. I don’t think thats something I have been taught before, though I am becoming more familiar with this idea after being introduced to the Everts thoughts on dating and I’m also now taking a Theology of the Body course (not to understand no premarital sex, but the bigger picture of what PJPII was trying to convey). Essentially trying to be the type of person I would want to marry.

Now my question is for the singles and the married people - in terms of being ready for marriage (preparation, lifestyle, etc), what were your deal breakers for dating? I want to only marry a Catholic man who is devout, places God first, and is active in the church. I am on a Catholic dating site and there are plenty of men are that really appear to be in the same place as I am - they have worked out a solid foundation on their own life, based on their relationship with Christ, are actively involved in some kind of ministry, and are at a point financially where they can start a family within an appropriate time period.

I remember Crystallina Evert stating she had made a list while in adoration of all the traits she wanted in a man. I believe she has been quite clear that her husband did meet that criteria.

I am not concerned about things like - what is his education, how much money does he make, or how cute he is. Before returning so deeply into my faith a few years ago, I had very poor standards and very unrelated to a good marriage standards (i.e. education was a big one for me but had no respect towards the body). I kind of just want to know its okay to have these standards, if it is something God has put into my heart. I am more than willing to talk over what these standards are.

As an example of when to know someone is right for you or not and when to pursue things further. I have been talking to a guy for a few weeks now (long distance) and while I have enjoyed getting to know him, I am seeing key things missing in his life. It seems like he just recently thought about wanting to get married, but doesn’t appear to have done any mental/spiritual preparation for what marriage means. Our lives are very different - he goes out on late dinners when I am already in bed.

I say all of this because I have had some non Catholic coworkers remind me that I’m getting old and I shouldn’t be picky, and in fact should be open to marrying a non Catholic. But my faith is very important to me, and I want to be with a man who will attend Mass with me, pray with me, and live a Godly life. Not a saintly life but at least try Nobody is perfect, and I certainly have my many flaws. And I am 32 in case anyone is wondering why people are calling me an old maid already

Dating is not well understood by too many. A desire to live a Godly life is the place to start and finding a practicing Catholic man who is not ashamed of his faith and is also on the road to be/or is involved with the Church and understands real family life are both important. Here’s the basics:

1. Get to know each other and earn each other’s trust. Honesty is the best policy. Get to be friends.
2. If you believe the two of you are on the same page, it’s important that you have things in common as far as day to day life interests. No, you don’t have to like the same things, but when I find someone who I can talk to - for hours - and really enjoy their company, that’s big. Note: If you marry, that will be the basis of your time together - a desire to be together and an automatic desire to talk to each other. About whatever.
3. If things are going well, meet his family, friends and relatives if possible. You will have in-laws and you should know what to expect.
4. If you decide to talk about marriage, YOU MUST talk about what each of you expect from married life BEFORE the ceremony. The man should go to the lady’s father or mother who will help him with understanding what married life is. Where will you live? Do you have reliable transportation? A good - meaning you can pay the bills - job?
5. Both of you may ‘make out’ from time to time, but no sexual intercourse before marriage.
6. Just settling is not a good idea. If there’s a part of him you don’t like now, you will still not like it after the ceremony. Be honest. Deal with the issue. Discuss it. After all, you are on your way to a life-long partnership.

Hope this helps,
Ed

 

[Viki63]

I say all of this because I have had some non Catholic coworkers remind me that I’m getting old and I shouldn’t be picky, and in fact should be open to marrying a non Catholic.)

Your standards are fine! Please don’t change them. You should not be open to becoming unequally yoked. There is nothing sadder than going to church by yourself and seeing all the other couples together. If Christ is the most important person in your life, don’t you want a husband who shares that love with you?

Please don’t sell yourself short. It is better to remain single and be able to follow your heart and your Lord, than to be stuck with the demands of a person who doesn’t share your priorities. Now if you marry a faithful Catholic and he falls away, you may find your path to sainthood a little pricklier than anticipated. But let God choose the cross you carry, don’t go looking for one.

 

[DoGodsBidding]

Your standards are fine! Please don’t change them. You should not be open to becoming unequally yoked. There is nothing sadder than going to church by yourself and seeing all the other couples together. If Christ is the most important person in your life, don’t you want a husband who shares that love with you?

Please don’t sell yourself short. It is better to remain single and be able to follow your heart and your Lord, than to be stuck with the demands of a person who doesn’t share your priorities. Now if you marry a faithful Catholic and he falls away, you may find your path to sainthood a little pricklier than anticipated. But let God choose the cross you carry, don’t go looking for one.

 

[GratefulFred]

We recently celebrated our 50th Wedding anniversary. I liked/loved my wife since we were 7. She was/is nice, got better grades than me, and we were Catholic; still to this day.

One thing I have learned is that each couple is unique. Yes ,we see common traits, but in the total we are aware of, each couple is still unique.

I think it very important to marry a true Catholic. We need to support one another in nurturing our Faith. Yet I know of couples where one spouse eventually converted to Catholicism and other couples where the Catholic spouse stopped going to Church alone. And I see Catholic spouses attend Mass regularly alone.

I believe in the power of prayer. Any single should constantly pray for the Wisdom and Strength to do God’s Will, not just give me what I want, but help me do Your Will. Praying for a good spouse is also very important. This is where the uniqueness come in. The qualities to give and receive are many. There is no set of standards that fit every couple. But I would count character traits very important. Honor and Integrity and Prudence to name just three.

That said, one very important question I asked my fiancé was: “Can you see yourself at age 85, still with me, and looking back over the life we shared?” It may take a few days for the intended to give a good answer. Be patient, do not suggest the answer you want but wait for the one given voluntarily. And pay close attention to the answer. Marriage is a life time commitment.

 

[NoMondays]

One should never settle completely, but sometimes you do have to compromise when it comes to marriage. Although in my opinion, before thinking about marriage, it’s a good idea to just date and get to know people, interact and have fun. Go on dinner dates, movie dates, talking dates and become friends first with someone. Then if you’re both on the same page, the romance will come and you can take the next step together and only then even start to consider marriage. I’ve been dating my girlfriend 3 years now and we are still getting to know each other.

 

[CatholicGuy31]

A couple of years ago I realized I could only marry a Catholic man (I had been dating non Catholic men). I thought that was it, I was ready, go to church a little, try to be good, and I’m ready for marriage. (haha!) I had a relationship with a Catholic man but realized the depth and interest in his faith was not as deep. He had been a Protestant convert as a teenager but some of his views were more Protestant than Catholic. That lasted for about a year, although the majority of it was long distance. He, his father, and I had a talk one night about how a relationship needs to be built on a solid foundation over time.

Thanks for posting, it is always encouraging to see others with similar views. I think all your reasoning is well in line with the Catholic faith.

When it comes to standards and deal breakers, I personally believe that your standards are your own regardless of how absurd they may seem to others. Not even God can force you to love someone or to overlook some quality that is important to you. It is entirely up to you to decide whether these standards are worth holding on to. After all its your marriage and it is you who will have to live with this person.

As for the non-Catholic opinions and advice, I have found that most of the time these are based entirely on world views. The major problem with marrying someone non-Catholic is that you risk your children (and possibly yourself) straying from the faith. I have seen this happen even when the non-Catholic person has converted. In a Catholic marriage it is the responsibility of one spouse to help the other in getting to heaven. So even if you do stray a bit you can rely on him to help pull you back.

Meeting people serious about faith can be a bit of a challenge these days. Are there any bible study, prayer, volunteer or other such groups in your parish?

I will pray that you find that special someone very soon.
God Bless.

 

[TheSurvivor]

1. Both of you may ‘make out’ from time to time, but no sexual intercourse before marriage.

Hello Friend,

this is actually not permissible.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=901822

May God Bless you
TheSurvivor

 

[SuperLuigi]

I have been talking to a guy for a few weeks now (long distance) and while I have enjoyed getting to know him, I am seeing key things missing in his life. It seems like he just recently thought about wanting to get married, but doesn’t appear to have done any mental/spiritual preparation for what marriage means. Our lives are very different - he goes out on late dinners when I am already in bed. He doesn’t seem to be involved in the Church other than going to Mass on Sundays. He doesn’t seem to have any sort of connection with other Catholic men - in fact the time he spends the most with is a non Catholic girl and some of the things they do make my spidey senses light up.

For starters, don’t put with up this kind of shady behavior/drama. You’ll find it all over the place on-line.

I dated on-line off and on for about 11 years, and you just can’t make excuses for other people or put with inconsistencies. I remember I was talking to woman once, and when I called, her she was going to see her ex- boyfriend with her kid along—both of which I didn’t know about.

Stuff like that can and does happen.

what were your deal breakers for dating? I want to only marry a Catholic man who is devout, places God first, and is active in the church. I am on a Catholic dating site and there are plenty of men are that really appear to be in the same place as I am - they have worked out a solid foundation on their own life, based on their relationship with Christ, are actively involved in some kind of ministry, and are at a point financially where they can start a family within an appropriate time period.

When you go out on a date, ask to see a guy’s rosary. That little trick has been mentioned on here before.

Also, realize that everyone on-line is who they say they are, and a lot of people who date on-line have issues with building relationships with others or may have some other kind of mental illness.

It doesn’t mean that these men should be written off, but you just need to be aware of what is out there. There’s people with serious issues that need resolving before they think about marriage, and there’s just guys out there with not much experience and to you it may seem like they are stumbling around in the dark trying to figure it out, and they may not always get it right.

But it sounds like in your case you want to stay away from the guy who just goes to Saturday night Mass in jeans and a T-shirt and isn’t involved in the Church beyond that? That’s an acceptable standard. But I would encourage you to otherwise not be so rigid. I once encountered a woman who wanted a man who didn’t/never masturbated or something like that. I thought to myself ----heh, good luck with THAT!

Also, I think there’s women out there who say they don’t care about appearance (and I wouldn’t expect any self-respecting gal to date a guy who acts like a slob), but when push comes to shove, I wonder sometimes.

 

[PolarGuy]

Having standards is very important.

However, it’s possible to set the bar so high that you talk yourself out of whoever you meet as being “not good enough.”

A true story to illustrate. I knew both of the following people personally.

There was a nice, faith filled, pretty Catholic maiden. She came from a pretty stable background, i.e., “middle middle class.” She was 32 (same as OP, part of which is what caught my eye.

She met a nice Catholic man (a few years younger, but who cares?). He had a similar background; was reasonably devout & faith filled. He was a…uh…male equivalent of a maiden, and wanted to stay that way until marriage; as did she; now that alone is hard to find! He was a professional and made more money than she was used to seeing, or as her parents were used to, i.e., she would have not exactly have struggled financially. She liked him – a lot. He reciprocated. Her parents really liked him, and liked him, for her. He was “ready to close the deal,” i.e., he wanted to get married, and was emotionally ready to do so. They dated for a modest period and really hit it off. In other words, they seemed perfect for one another…

…but for really no reason she suddenly broke it off with him. Her friends & parents told her she was nuts. She really had no reason, beyond getting scared that maybe he was “the one.”

That was 20 years ago. She’s still single, or so he later heard.

Don’t be that woman – have standards. HIGH standards. But also recognize when someone meets them.

(The guy in this story married a nice Catholic lady, and has been happily married for well over a decade. I’ll never tell whether the guy in the story is me…)

 

[Xantippe]

Having standards is very important.

However, it’s possible to set the bar so high that you talk yourself out of whoever you meet as being “not good enough.”

A true story to illustrate. I knew both of the following people personally.

There was a nice, faith filled, pretty Catholic maiden. She came from a pretty stable background, i.e., “middle middle class.” She was 32 (same as OP, part of which is what caught my eye.

She met a nice Catholic man (a few years younger, but who cares?). He had a similar background; was reasonably devout & faith filled. He was a…uh…male equivalent of a maiden, and wanted to stay that way until marriage; as did she; now that alone is hard to find! He was a professional and made more money than she was used to seeing, or as her parents were used to, i.e., she would have not exactly have struggled financially. She liked him – a lot. He reciprocated. Her parents really liked him, and liked him, for her. He was “ready to close the deal,” i.e., he wanted to get married, and was emotionally ready to do so. They dated for a modest period and really hit it off. In other words, they seemed perfect for one another…

…but for really no reason she suddenly broke it off with him. Her friends & parents told her she was nuts. She really had no reason, beyond getting scared that maybe he was “the one.”

That was 20 years ago. She’s still single, or so he later heard.

Don’t be that woman – have standards. HIGH standards. But also recognize when someone meets them.

(The guy in this story married a nice Catholic lady, and has been happily married for well over a decade. I’ll never tell whether the guy in the story is me…)

But maybe the first couple really weren’t right for each other and she could see it and he couldn’t?

 

[canadiannurse]

Hi everyone,

Wow, I was not expecting the responses I was getting! I will try to reply as there were a couple of questions asked…

Xantippe: I am actually in a very rural small town. I did my schooling in a larger city but after graduating something felt right about going home for awhile. My little town has a lot of problems, and I felt like God was pushing me here to help me heal some things from my past (its helped immensely and I have a much better and healthier relationship with my parents now), and contribute back to my community. There is a new hospital opening up very soon and I am excited to be a part of it because Canadian health care especially in rural areas is struggling. I bought a very small house right next to the new hospital with the intention of having it as a sort of investment - it will be easy to rent out when I am ready to move on. But God has not called me to move on yet, and have no idea where he might call me so apart from growing in faith and contributing to my community and parish, I am just sort of parked here for the time being.

Pacomius: Thank you for your comment - understanding is important! I have struggled a lot with this in past relationships. Having the same values is something I’ve struggled with in some of my less than stellar dating choices.

Ed: Thank you! You’re right, dating is not well taught, especially within the Catholic faith. I think the Theology of the Body would have been too complex for me at 16 but now I can see there are great resources out there for teens. Part of my involvement in my Parish is wanting to work with youth and hopefully able to guide them into making better choices regarding their dating life.

Viki: You are right, and that is a big factor in wanting to date only a Catholic man. I am already lonely enough in Church, I can’t imagine what it would be like if I had a husband and children sitting at home watching movies while I was at Mass by myself.

GratefulFred: Congratulations on your 50th! Wow! I have been praying for God’s will… ultimately it is he who decides whether I will marry or not, not me. But I have considered a vocation but I don’t quite feel a call. I don’t feel really called to the single life though I understand this is sometimes not by choice, and there are plenty of singles who would like to be married with children. But I think I have to put my effort in along with prayer and make that attempt to discover God’s plan for me through action.

CatholicGuy: My town is so small that I am pretty sure I am the lone single. I did come across a fellow in Mass a couple of weeks ago but he was there because the Mass was dedicated to him and his future bride (not present, but good thing I only took a glance!) I do have lots of female friends with a strong faith in God (mostly Protestant though), but I really would love to have the option of meeting with more people my age to discuss our faith.

SuperLuigi: Thank you! You know after I wrote the original post I emailed him and told him a lot of my story on my preparation for marriage - am I living a life where a man could enter into my life and not question anything? Things like that. He had told me a few days ago that his friend would like to go to Mexico with him for a week next month, and that if I am not willing to meet him at that time, that he basically would go to Mexico with her. So yeah, I followed my gut instinct on that one. As for mental health issues, I did my specialty in Psych so I am pretty good at seeking out unhealthy traits. I am not interested in a relationship where I have to fix someone or be their therapist, although I am more than willing to help my future spouse if he is struggling with something in the future. But my life as a nurse can be pretty rough, and I need someone with a pretty solid mental health and compassion to understand that after a very rough day, I need some prayer time and a bubble bath I love the rosary idea! That is also on my “list” - someone who has a strong Marian devotion. As for attraction - I think the attraction is based on lifestyle. I want to be with someone who can and wants to do physical activities (kayaking, hiking, gym, etc), so living a purposely healthy lifestyle is what I find largely attractive.

PolarGuy: Yes, I worry about this. I think if I were to get scared for whatever reason if things got serious, I would be quite open about it. I am pretty good at discussing my feelings so hopefully any fears could be talked through.

 

[DarkLight]

My only caution is to make sure you know how some of these traits manifest in different people.

This wasn’t in the context of dating specifically, but at one point I realized a lot of my idea of “devout” had large elements of my own personality. I’m an extrovert with an extreme fondness for discussion, sometime rather strenuous discussion. That means the sorts of devotion I’m most comfortable with are very active, I like to be quite involved in various parish activities and especially enjoy apologetic activities. Those are all good things but there’s quite a bit going on there, and it’s easy for me to mistake someone who is quieter and prefers reading and studying at home to being involved in lots of activities, for someone who isn’t devout.

If you’re going long distance circumstances often matter as well. I’m not very involved in my parish right now because distance and a lack of transportation mean I can’t very well. I also personally would probably tell any guy I dated to just ignore my mother and don’t worry I will try my hardest not to be her!

 

[Anglewannabe]

But maybe the first couple really weren’t right for each other and she could see it and he couldn’t?

Not to mention, if he has been happily married for over a decade, that never would have happened had she married him. And personally, I would not like to marry a man who thinks ‘With me she would see more money that she ever did before’

 

[Anglewannabe]

It seems like he just recently thought about wanting to get married, but doesn’t appear to have done any mental/spiritual preparation for what marriage means.

Honestly, I think that tends to be a guy thing. When I was a little girl, me and my friends use to spend hours naming our future children. Little boys never did that. Not to say men don’t think about these things, but in general much less than women.

I remember when I was early thirties, I had a lot of non-catholics tell me to hurry up I only had a few years left so I can relate to how annoying the pressure is. I even remember one lady saying to me ‘What if you wait and then find out you can’t have kids’ How stupid, if I can’t have kids due to a medical condition, whether I found out about it when I was 20 or 40, it would change the fact I can’t have kids. But I digress.

If what is really bothering you is the comments of people pressuring you to marry, it gets better. Once I hit 38 people figured I missed to boat so they left me alone

I am now 44 and still single and happy in my singlehood. The only regret I have is all the wasted energy spent worrying that I could have used doing something fun.

Also, I know it is hard in a small town but I would really advise being VERY cautious about long distance relationships. In my experience, the majority of relationships that started out long distance crumbled one the couple started living in the same town. It is really easy to hide flaws when someone is miles away. But when they are in a bad mood and the excuse ‘we live to far’ no longer exists, it is a different game

 

[Xantippe]

Xantippe: I am actually in a very rural small town. I did my schooling in a larger city but after graduating something felt right about going home for awhile. My little town has a lot of problems, and I felt like God was pushing me here to help me heal some things from my past (its helped immensely and I have a much better and healthier relationship with my parents now), and contribute back to my community. There is a new hospital opening up very soon and I am excited to be a part of it because Canadian health care especially in rural areas is struggling. I bought a very small house right next to the new hospital with the intention of having it as a sort of investment - it will be easy to rent out when I am ready to move on. But God has not called me to move on yet, and have no idea where he might call me so apart from growing in faith and contributing to my community and parish, I am just sort of parked here for the time being.

**If that is your calling, that’s your calling, but if you are determined to marry, you will probably have to leave. Even if you married your sorta shady online guy, it’s very unlikely that he would choose to live in your tiny community. **

SuperLuigi: Thank you! You know after I wrote the original post I emailed him and told him a lot of my story on my preparation for marriage - am I living a life where a man could enter into my life and not question anything? Things like that. He had told me a few days ago that his friend would like to go to Mexico with him for a week next month, and that if I am not willing to meet him at that time, that he basically would go to Mexico with her.

Ay yay yay.

PolarGuy: Yes, I worry about this. I think if I were to get scared for whatever reason if things got serious, I would be quite open about it. I am pretty good at discussing my feelings so hopefully any fears could be talked through.

 

[canadiannurse]

Honestly, I think that tends to be a guy thing. When I was a little girl, me and my friends use to spend hours naming our future children. Little boys never did that. Not to say men don’t think about these things, but in general much less than women.

I remember when I was early thirties, I had a lot of non-catholics tell me to hurry up I only had a few years left so I can relate to how annoying the pressure is. I even remember one lady saying to me ‘What if you wait and then find out you can’t have kids’ How stupid, if I can’t have kids due to a medical condition, whether I found out about it when I was 20 or 40, it would change the fact I can’t have kids. But I digress.

If what is really bothering you is the comments of people pressuring you to marry, it gets better. Once I hit 38 people figured I missed to boat so they left me alone

I am now 44 and still single and happy in my singlehood. The only regret I have is all the wasted energy spent worrying that I could have used doing something fun.

Also, I know it is hard in a small town but I would really advise being VERY cautious about long distance relationships. In my experience, the majority of relationships that started out long distance crumbled one the couple started living in the same town. It is really easy to hide flaws when someone is miles away. But when they are in a bad mood and the excuse ‘we live to far’ no longer exists, it is a different game

Oh, I don’t mean naming babies or anything like that… I am thinking the questions that would be asked in marriage prep - even basic things like finances it doesn’t seem like he’s thought through. Whereas I have talked to a few guys who have their 10 year financial plan all laid out in the first email (haha, I do this too!) My last boyfriend made a lot of money but managed it horribly. Things like that.

 

[PolarGuy]

To Angelwannabe & Xantippe, the issue of “who is right for who” is rather an open question, and an interesting discussion.

Since there are bad marriages that occur which shouldn’t, I can’t see a reason why there are good marriages that should occur but don’t (in fact, a wise priest said something like that to me once). However, it’s a lot easier to see what shouldn’t have happened than what should have.

Knowing the 2 people involved, I don’t think the woman “saw” anything other than being scared. She never got married, and I understand her to be pretty sad about that now, 20 years later. My point was simply that the guy & her looked to be aperfect fit in a lot of ways, and a lot of people close to her who seemed to have her best interests told her so, and she chose to ignore them. Was she correct? I guess we’ll never know.

I also think LOTS of people – particularly women – will let a good man get away, then tell themselves (or let their girlfriends tell them) afterward that “he wasn’t right,” or “someone better will come along.” Problem is – sometimes someone doesn’t. You can wait so long for Prince Charming that you don’t see him when he’s there.

I actually think a very hard skill is teaching children how to look for a suitable spouse. I think many parents tend to think “no one is good enough for my son/daughter.” I find it interesting when the opposite occurs: mom or dad actually really likes some particular possible future spouse; and their child basically ignores the parents. Few people know you, or want the best for you, like mom & dad usually do, and their opinion ought to matter.