Single girl and standards :)

[garyo49]

There’s a lot of good advice here, but I want to tell you that you have a good start to having a good relationship and marriage, You have good standards and desires. Please don’t listen to others about the “old maid” thing. Don’t settle for any old someone because you are in a hurry. A bad marriage is worse than being alone. When you find the one you feel is right for you be prayerful and listen to the Lord for confirmation. God bless you and don’t compromise your standards.

 

[PolarGuy]

Another point, to Angelwannabe: Perhaps I was inarticulate about the guy making money. I don’t think that was the guy’s attitude; instead I think she knew he was hardworking and not going to be dirt poor in life. My point was simply that his career was a positive in the relationship, not a negative.

Moreover, I think those are absolutely relevant considerations in a relationship.

A distant relative once said to my wife, before she knew me, “you can choose to fall in love with a surgeon, or you can choose to fall in love with an waiter.” That may be harsh (and the relative who gave the advice was not really nice in a lot of respects) but I actually think the advice was largely accurate. When my daughter gets older, I will absolutely tell her to look for men who are professional and can hold a job (although my wife will surely tell her that first!). Do I insist she marry a surgeon? Of course not. Do I want her to look for men who can hold a (preferably good) job and are hardworking? Absolutely. Why would I tell her to marry a layabout? Or a guy who had the poor judgment to take out $150,000 in loans to study French literature?

And I must add – my wife chose to fall in love with a lawyer, and she even married him.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Oh, I don’t mean naming babies or anything like that… I am thinking the questions that would be asked in marriage prep - even basic things like finances it doesn’t seem like he’s thought through. Whereas I have talked to a few guys who have their 10 year financial plan all laid out in the first email (haha, I do this too!) My last boyfriend made a lot of money but managed it horribly. Things like that.

I was using baby names as an example. Even things like questions in marriage prep tend to be things women think about more than men. I am 100% like you. I even had gone so far as to discuss with boyfriends ‘What if we have a daughter and she becomes a pregnant teen’ and because I did not like their answer it was a deal breaker. I am in total agreement as to what you are doing. However, it is something IMO that I believe women do more than men.

 

[canadiannurse]

I was using baby names as an example. Even things like questions in marriage prep tend to be things women think about more than men. I am 100% like you. I even had gone so far as to discuss with boyfriends ‘What if we have a daughter and she becomes a pregnant teen’ and because I did not like their answer it was a deal breaker. I am in total agreement as to what you are doing. However, it is something IMO that I believe women do more than men.

Oh haha, I understand! I do joke though that I would like to name my first soon Isaac because it took him so long to come along! But its more of a joke than what I actually pray for

 

[canadiannurse]

There’s a lot of good advice here, but I want to tell you that you have a good start to having a good relationship and marriage, You have good standards and desires. Please don’t listen to others about the “old maid” thing. Don’t settle for any old someone because you are in a hurry. A bad marriage is worse than being alone. When you find the one you feel is right for you be prayerful and listen to the Lord for confirmation. God bless you and don’t compromise your standards.

Thanks, I think so too. Maybe I won’t meet the man meant for me for another 15 years, if its God’s plan, and I know that is the way to go rather than rushing something of my own desires. I am okay being single for now and understand that my spare time can be spent doing useful things as right now single is my “vocation”.

I have a friend who is a bit of a serial dater, and each year I get an email from her stating something along the lines of “woe is me, I’m thirty ____ this year and still single and its been ____ since I had a boyfriend.” I don’t live my life that way because its both unhealthy and God has me single right now for a reason and I want to make the best of it.

 

[PolarGuy]

You can’t script life, and I’d beware of anyone who tried to overscript it.

For example, “what if we had a teen daughter who got pregnant?” and making a subjective answer a dealbreaker is awfully harsh, no? (unless the answer given is “she gets an abortion ASAP”). Asking a date (not even, say a fiancée) about a question 20 years down the road? And where the answer could turn on variables like a) was it a one night stand/boyfriend/stranger; b) the daughter’s maturity; c) the financial status of everyone involved; etc., there’s really no 1 correct answer, although I guess there are several bad ones, involving abortion. Just asking the poor guy puts an awful lot of pressure on him.

Also, when I met my wife, she was very dissimilar to who I pictured myself with 2-3 years before I met her…and yet, she’s perfect for me, and I hope I am for her.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Since there are bad marriages that occur which shouldn’t, I can’t see a reason why there are good marriages that should occur but don’t.

When a bad marriage occurs, there is evidence of it. There is NEVER evidence that a good marriage did not occur so I don’t know what your point is

Knowing the 2 people involved, I don’t think the woman “saw” anything other than being scared.

And that to me is a GREAT reason not to marry. How can a man be happy with a woman who is scared? How can a fearful woman give a man the love he deserves?

She never got married, and I understand her to be pretty sad about that now, 20 years later.

That is NOT proof she made a mistake. It is proof she has trouble letting go and living in the present and seeing the good in her life.

I also think LOTS of people – particularly women – will let a good man get away, then tell themselves (or let their girlfriends tell them) afterward that “he wasn’t right,” or “someone better will come along.” Problem is – sometimes someone doesn’t. You can wait so long for Prince Charming that you don’t see him when he’s there.

IMO the problem is people never tell the woman 'It is OK to be single

Few people know you, or want the best for you, like mom & dad usually do, and their opinion ought to matter.

I agree that mom and dad probably are the people who most want the best for their kids. However, very often, their opinion is totally off base. I know one couple with 2 daughters. They really wanted daughter A to marry her spouse and daughter B to not marry her spouse. Daughter A had a bad divorce and daughter B’s husband took care of his in-laws in their old age

 

[Anglewannabe]

Another point, to Angelwannabe: Perhaps I was inarticulate about the guy making money. I don’t think that was the guy’s attitude; instead I think she knew he was hardworking and not going to be dirt poor in life. My point was simply that his career was a positive in the relationship, not a negative.

I agree that finances are a big issue. And sadly, people with different levels of education sometimes struggle in a marriage. However, I also know that hard economical times do exist. So it is not so much about how much money a man brings in as how he spends and saves for the future and his work ethic.

A distant relative once said to my wife, before she knew me, “you can choose to fall in love with a surgeon, or you can choose to fall in love with an waiter.” That may be harsh (and the relative who gave the advice was not really nice in a lot of respects) but I actually think the advice was largely accurate. When my daughter gets older, I will absolutely tell her to look for men who are professional and can hold a job (although my wife will surely tell her that first!). Do I insist she marry a surgeon? Of course not. Do I want her to look for men who can hold a (preferably good) job and are hardworking? Absolutely. Why would I tell her to marry a layabout? Or a guy who had the poor judgment to take out $150,000 in loans to study French literature?

I agree with a lot of what you say. However, I have a professional education and can not get a job in my field. It is a big cross I carry. So as much as to you and me, on the surface, a big loan to study literature is a waste, a loan to become a brain surgeon does not always pay back what one thinks. The point is being open to God’s will and having priorities straight ie paying the rent is more important than fancy clothes. Not to mention, I don’t even want to think about what it would be like to be a professional man who goes to work everyday thinking ‘If I am the victim of a downsizing, my in-laws might tell my wife to leave me’

And I must add – my wife chose to fall in love with a lawyer, and she even married him.

And that is the statement that makes me think you have an attitude. The grin at the end implies you think you are better than other men. If you said something like ‘Education was important to my wife and I am grateful that I had a law degree so she would consider me’, I would agree.

 

[canadiannurse]

Xantippe:
Oh yes. I would have to leave. As I said my town has a lot of problems, and I would like to raise children in a larger area and especially a Catholic school. And somewhere with adoration which is only Friday nights here.

and ayayay I know.

 

[Anglewannabe]

You can’t script life, and I’d beware of anyone who tried to overscript it.

Agreed, however, some issues are a reality of life and I think it is best to know you have someone with similar views then to take a risk and end up in a serious situation with 2 very conflicting view points. And the sad reality is, we live in a society where teenage pregnancy is a very real thing

For example, “what if we had a teen daughter who got pregnant?” and making a subjective answer a dealbreaker is awfully harsh, no?

I actually think it is kind to let someone go when you detest his opinion. Better to let him find someone who can support his views

Asking a date (not even, say a fiancée) about a question 20 years down the road?

Yes, asking a date about something 20 years down the road is enough to make any sane person run for the hills. Ask a man with whom I am discerning marriage is a great way to discern marriage

And where the answer could turn on variables like a) was it a one night stand/boyfriend/stranger; b) the daughter’s maturity; c) the financial status of everyone involved; etc., there’s really no 1 correct answer, although I guess there are several bad ones, involving abortion.

There is no one correct answer which is why it is important to make sure you marry a person with the same opinion as you if the matter is that important to you. The OP asked what a deal breaker would be for others and I answered her question.

Just asking the poor guy puts an awful lot of pressure on him.

Well, I am sure the man would feel a lot more pressure if the situation really happened. Which is why I need to know if he can communicate. The worst part of any issue is having to have to deal with it with bad communication skills

Also, when I met my wife, she was very dissimilar to who I pictured myself with 2-3 years before I met her…and yet, she’s perfect for me, and I hope I am for her.

I am sure you probably are perfect for her. However, I don’t think (and correct me if I am wrong with an example), you have compromised your core standards on issues that meant a lot to you

 

[Xantippe]

A distant relative once said to my wife, before she knew me, “you can choose to fall in love with a surgeon, or you can choose to fall in love with an waiter.” That may be harsh (and the relative who gave the advice was not really nice in a lot of respects) but I actually think the advice was largely accurate. When my daughter gets older, I will absolutely tell her to look for men who are professional and can hold a job (although my wife will surely tell her that first!). Do I insist she marry a surgeon? Of course not. Do I want her to look for men who can hold a (preferably good) job and are hardworking? Absolutely. Why would I tell her to marry a layabout? Or a guy who had the poor judgment to take out $150,000 in loans to study French literature?

And I must add – my wife chose to fall in love with a lawyer, and she even married him.

1. On the whole, money is nicer than no money (particularly with a family), so I won’t argue with that. I used to think as a single gal that, “You can love a rich man as easily as a poor man,” was terribly materialistic, but I’ve changed my mind. Money is what pays for nice things like music lessons and day trips to the big city.
2. I’d be leery of my kids marrying doctors, unless they were themselves in the medical field. It’s rough raising a family alone, even on a good income. Other high-earning professionals can be quite as bad. One has to be willing to deal with the fact that work owns one’s spouse 24/7.

 

[Xantippe]

Oh haha, I understand! I do joke though that I would like to name my first soon Isaac because it took him so long to come along! But its more of a joke than what I actually pray for

That would be adorable!

 

[Xantippe]

Thanks, I think so too. Maybe I won’t meet the man meant for me for another 15 years, if its God’s plan, and I know that is the way to go rather than rushing something of my own desires. I am okay being single for now and understand that my spare time can be spent doing useful things as right now single is my “vocation”.

I have a friend who is a bit of a serial dater, and each year I get an email from her stating something along the lines of “woe is me, I’m thirty ____ this year and still single and its been ____ since I had a boyfriend.” I don’t live my life that way because its both unhealthy and God has me single right now for a reason and I want to make the best of it.

That is a beautiful attitude.

 

[Xantippe]

And that to me is a GREAT reason not to marry. How can a man be happy with a woman who is scared? How can a fearful woman give a man the love he deserves?

Exactly.

That is NOT proof she made a mistake. It is proof she has trouble letting go and living in the present and seeing the good in her life.

Yes.

IMO the problem is people never tell the woman 'It is OK to be single

I agree that mom and dad probably are the people who most want the best for their kids. However, very often, their opinion is totally off base. I know one couple with 2 daughters. They really wanted daughter A to marry her spouse and daughter B to not marry her spouse. Daughter A had a bad divorce and daughter B’s husband took care of his in-laws in their old age

Wow–you are on fire today, Anglewannabe!

I agree about the parent thing. While some parents can see stuff in a boyfriend that the daughter can’t see, parents are also interested and biased parties. They may want a daughter to marry a man, any man if they’re worried she won’t find anybody else, or they may not be able to see the good in anybody. (I think it’s a much surer thing if both family and friends are worried–that’s practically 100% proof that it’s a bad deal.)

My in-laws were very negative about me when my future husband introduced me as his fiance. Granted, we were on the express track to getting married (which scared them a lot), but looking back, I’m pretty sure that no woman would ever have been good enough for my FIL. (Things have since thawed, but it took a long time.)

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Not to mention, if he has been happily married for over a decade, that never would have happened had she married him. And personally, I would not like to marry a man who thinks ‘With me she would see more money that she ever did before’

No kidding!

A 30 year old man who went into web development or finance is going to be in a MUCH better position financially than a man who went into social work. But does that make him a better spouse? Depends on the people. But I would never decide against marrying a smart, hardworking, kind, funny guy because he was passionate about helping others overcome things like addiction, abuse, and homelessness instead of something more lucrative. But I would also never be a SAHM. If you’re someone who really wants to stay home with the kids, you better find a guy who makes a lot. Likewise, if you’re a man who wants a stay at home wife, you need to be able to comfortably support that.

EdWest had the best post of the thread. Every point was dead on, but especially the part about just being able to sit and talk. I love 10 hour car rides, long flights, and even just nights on the couch with no TV where we talk from the time we get off work until bed. That’s BY FAR the most important part of a marriage.

I’d be very wary of marrying someone who saw his money/looks/privileged upbringing as a good reason for me to commit my life to him and raise a family.

 

[canadiannurse]

No kidding!

A 30 year old man who went into web development or finance is going to be in a MUCH better position financially than a man who went into social work. But does that make him a better spouse? Depends on the people. But I would never decide against marrying a smart, hardworking, kind, funny guy because he was passionate about helping others overcome things like addiction, abuse, and homelessness instead of something more lucrative. But I would also never be a SAHM. If you’re someone who really wants to stay home with the kids, you better find a guy who makes a lot. Likewise, if you’re a man who wants a stay at home wife, you need to be able to comfortably support that.

EdWest had the best post of the thread. Every point was dead on, but especially the part about just being able to sit and talk. I love 10 hour car rides, long flights, and even just nights on the couch with no TV where we talk from the time we get off work until bed. That’s BY FAR the most important part of a marriage.

I’d be very wary of marrying someone who saw his money/looks/privileged upbringing as a good reason for me to commit my life to him and raise a family.

I’ve been following this part of the thread without much to add to it but BlueEyedLady I must admit the men who say they are handsome (in their profile, it usually starts off with Good looking career man, looking for devoted wife…) and I find them not attractive, or perhaps the arrogance makes them unattractive right off the bat.

 

[Xantippe]

I’ve been following this part of the thread without much to add to it but BlueEyedLady I must admit the men who say they are handsome (in their profile, it usually starts off with Good looking career man, looking for devoted wife…) and I find them not attractive, or perhaps the arrogance makes them unattractive right off the bat.

!!!

Holy cow, that’s a new one on me. They have photographs on the profile, right? If they’re good-looking, you can see for yourself.

There’s a rule in film-making and story-telling: “Show, don’t tell!” So, if you want to convey that the hero is brave, show him rescuing orphans from burning buildings or surfers from sharks with his bare hands, don’t have him telling people, “I’m brave.” They way you convey “I’m good looking” is by providing photographs that demonstrate that.

I’m also deducting points for being a little too obvious about looking for unpaid household help.

Wow, my sympathy!

 

[canadiannurse]

!!!

Holy cow, that’s a new one on me. They have photographs on the profile, right? If they’re good-looking, you can see for yourself.

There’s a rule in film-making and story-telling: “Show, don’t tell!” So, if you want to convey that the hero is brave, show him rescuing orphans from burning buildings or surfers from sharks with his bare hands, don’t have him telling people, “I’m brave.” They way you convey “I’m good looking” is by providing photographs that demonstrate that.

I’m also deducting points for being a little too obvious about looking for unpaid household help.

Wow, my sympathy!

You know next time I come across one of those profiles I might direct them to your reply on this thread tee hee! Perhaps humility is not a trait shared by everyone.

 

[JugglingReferee]

Some days I think I bought shoes at the same place as canadiannurse.

Single Catholic guy in southern Ontario.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Wow–you are on fire today, Anglewannabe!

Thank You