Single Ladies: An honest conversation about discernment and cultural difference

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Lately, I’ve been reflecting more on the challenges that I’ve been facing in the single life and one of them boils down to cultural difference. I am a convert and I come from a cultural background that is not widely represented in the Church. As a result, I fear that it may be even more difficult for me to find a spouse if I am indeed called to marriage. To make matters worse, I live in an area where parishes (and, by extension, social activities such as 20s/30s events) are extremely divided in terms of ethnicity. This is also part of the reason why I gave up on online dating. I feel as though in a situation where there are many choices available and it could be any one, it is quite unlikely that a man would “go out of his way” so to speak. And rightfully so-- everyone has the right to decide how open they are to such relationships. I want to be honest with myself in considering the degree to which this may be a factor, as it will help to temper my expectations.

Are there any other women out there (single or married, especially converts) who come from cultural backgrounds that are not majorly represented in the Church (not necessarily racial, because being a Filipino Catholic would not be the same as being, say, a Japanese American convert)? Do you think it reduces/reduced the likelihood of your finding a spouse? And if you are from a group that is more widely represented, do you find that most people want to “keep it in the family” so to speak?

Meditating on the first reading from today’s Mass in the meantime (if this is on your mind as well, or just single frustrations in general, check it out…especially Sarah’s prayer for death)…
usccb.org/bible/readings/bible/tobit/3:1
 
iwillrisenow said:
Lately, I’ve been reflecting more on the challenges that I’ve been facing in the single life and one of them boils down to cultural difference. I am a convert and I come from a cultural background that is not widely represented in the Church. As a result, I fear that it may be even more difficult for me to find a spouse if I am indeed called to marriage. To make matters worse, I live in an area where parishes (and, by extension, social activities such as 20s/30s events) are extremely divided in terms of ethnicity. This is also part of the reason why I gave up on online dating. I feel as though in a situation where there are many choices available and it could be any one, it is quite unlikely that a man would “go out of his way” so to speak. And rightfully so-- everyone has the right to decide how open they are to such relationships. I want to be honest with myself in considering the degree to which this may be a factor, as it will help to temper my expectations.

Are there any other women out there (single or married, especially converts) who come from cultural backgrounds that are not majorly represented in the Church (not necessarily racial, because being a Filipino Catholic would not be the same as being, say, a Japanese American convert)? Do you think it reduces/reduced the likelihood of your finding a spouse? And if you are from a group that is more widely represented, do you find that most people want to “keep it in the family” so to speak?

Meditating on the first reading from today’s Mass in the meantime (if this is on your mind as well, or just single frustrations in general, check it out…especially Sarah’s prayer for death)…
usccb.org/bible/readings/bible/tobit/3:1
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All of my moms family were raised catholic and most of them including my cousins no longer practice or have converted. They were all mostly liberal anyway. My dads family was everything under the sun from Southern Baptist to Jewish. I live in catholic dominent city but still find it hard to find catholics to day. Everyone runs out of church after mass and no one talks to eachother unless they know you have a kid in the school. So I don’t think your problem is cultural so much in an ethnic way as in a catholic way there being a lack of fellowship out there in parishes.
 
It’s hard to figure out exactly what you mean by “cultural difference”… do you mean you were raised in a different country? or raised by parents from a different country?

For me, I never gave it that much thought because I live in NYC and you see Catholics (and converts) of every possible race/culture. I don’t think the convert part matters that much.

I’m mixed-race and my parents were not born here. I married a man of a completely different race, who is also a Catholic. To us the race/culture was not so important, we wanted a faith-filled family, well educated partner, and similiar mindset that we felt made us compatible.
 
I would think that where men are concerned, the first thing they notice is if you are good looking. Yes, they are principally sight oriented, and this first impression can effect if they will choose to approach you or not. Men are also attracted to women who are happy, and out going. 🙂 Maybe you should ask guys this question?
 
No. In fact, I think a cultural difference can give you an “edge”. But I live in California:blush:

I think the single world can be very complicated and intimidating if you think about it too much. Pray for the right person. And go to places where you will meet Catholics with common values. It might be difficult for an East Indian to attend an Italian Catholic Federation dinner but it might be interesting. My red haired Irish sister goes to the Filipino food festivals and gets lots of male attention.

Go to places where you can express your values. I think Catholic men, looking for a wife, would be looking and listening for someone who is a good family person and a lot of fun. My friend was “found” by her husband at a monastery picnic with her family. He asked the monks about her and they made introductions. He asked her on a date and they were married eight months later. She was in her mid-thirties at the time.

It’s interesting what you say about Japanese-American converts versus a Filipino lifelong Catholic. I know a man who is Catholic from Macao married to an Irish Catholic. I know a Danish man with a Cambodian wife. I sometimes think that the Catholic culture can cross through nationalities and bind a couple better than if you are the same nationality, but not sharing the same Catholic culture.

If you are traditional, find the traditionalists; if you are an activist, find the soup kitchens and homeless shelters (which is not to say that a traditionalist would not be found helping in a shelter). Attend a Catholic bible study class or a catechism. Or volunteer to help make dinners at a Knights of Columbus event. Men like to be fed.

Get comfortable with other cultures within the Catholic community. Sometimes we isolate too much into our groups; that needs changing.

Good luck.
 
Thank you all for sharing your thoughts. It is interesting to consider whether or not this is a general crisis of fellowship as opposed to a cultural issue. Sadly, it is true that a number of Catholics who were born into and raised in the faith have limited contacts with the Church in their adult lives. I’ve been in a number of different social circles in different parts of the country (USA- I’m American but not part of any of the major Catholic cultures that are represented here…hence the cultural difference question) and find that many places do tend to have a few cultural groups that are more strongly represented among the devout Catholics that I meet (e.g.- from Italian and Irish in the New York area to Mexican/Latin and South American in the Southwest). One of the things that has strengthened my faith is meeting strongly committed Catholics from vastly different backgrounds. I have found that in moments of deep faith and encounters with God (e.g.- retreats, adoration, etc.) all of this falls to the wayside…and that is truly magnificent. Social environments, however, can be more challenging.

Attraction is one side of the coin, but there is a distinction between the more superficial level of it and the desire for intimacy and a serious, long-term relationship. I’m afraid to say that the former has been less of a problem than the latter (sometimes with troubling results), though I am very committed to chastity and chaste courtship. Attraction happens…yes, but it is quite another thing to find someone who is open to something deeper and stronger and more permanent. Hence my wondering whether or not cultural difference is a possible hindrance, since I cannot seem to find anyone who…well, who is willing to go deep.
 
Ten years ago, wasn’t there a Catholic young adult group active? Is this still going or was it just in certain places?
 
iwillrisenow said:
Hence my wondering whether or not cultural difference is a possible hindrance, since I cannot seem to find anyone who…well, who is willing to go deep.
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I think this depends on a person. Some Catholics may prefer a spouse from the same background or similar, while others don’t care. I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you. You’ll figure it out when you meet him. If you click - you click. In that case you can deal with cultural differences and find a way to overcome them if they present certain challenges. Sharing the same faith goes very deep and I can’t imagine anything more important than that.

It seems that the problem here is finding that right person who is willing to go deep.
 
Yes, I think that some catholics (especially if traditional) are less likely to cross the color/race line. Dating is a challenge in real life and online if you are a non-white Catholic in a parish or area that is not culturally diverse.
 
From a man’s point of view, it’s possible for a man to be attracted to exoticity, i.e. other culture than his own. (And not necessarily because he’s a perv.) Plus, relationships need to start somewhere, usually coversation and being remembered thereafter. Just like with job seeking or looking for clients for a business, standing out is sometimes beneficial, and the advantages with some people might offset the disadvantages with others.
 
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