Single Life: Entering the phase of acceptance

[iwillrisenow]

Recently, I feel as though I’ve entered a new phase of the single life: acceptance. Now, I never imagined that I would ever feel this way, but here it is.

For one, I’m beginning to be more realistic with myself. It’s very difficult to imagine going from a very independent existence to “relationship mode”. I’m not even sure if I’d know what to do. It may come naturally if you meet your spouse at a young age and simply grow up together, but combining one established, independent way of doing things with another? Oy. I’m an introvert and will openly admit that I am usually happiest doing things like traveling or enjoying time off from work on my own without social pressure adding stress to the mix. I need my little solo recharger activities to be my best for folks when I’m with them. I adore kids and enjoy working with them, but am always slightly relieved when their parents show up to take them home.

I’m beginning to see God’s wisdom in keeping me single, at least for the time being. I’m not a natural wife-type. While I enjoy cooking when I have the time to do it right, I’ve never been “a cook” or one to eagerly prepare dishes for others. I can handle weekly cleaning that needs to get done around the apartment, but I am by no means a “domestic goddess”. It’s a huge mystery to me how anyone ever finds a partner whom they freely choose to commit to for life, who also freely chooses to commit to him/her. Seriously, y’all. Think about how amazing that is, each and every time it happens. I’m truly in awe of anyone who manages it, especially in this “have it your way” world with its impossible standards and its illusion of infinite options. I’m fully aware if one day I do get married and have a family it will be a complete and utter, 110% God-driven miracle. Indeed…

The only thing that bothers me is that it’s easy to feel completely unconnected. Parish communities are less-than-welcoming to the single stranger. A priest in my diocese actually came out and acknowledged this at a singles conference I attended recently-- we’re not imagining things, fellow singles. Opportunities for charity do not readily present themselves, and challenges such as lack of transportation and limited time spent living in any one place make it difficult to, say, get involved with parish ministries. I’m always on the lookout for ministries that would enable me to use my gifts to build up the Church, but those are few and far between when you’re an introvert.

It’s not that I’ve stopped discerning marriage. Far from it. It’s just that I don’t feel quite as hopeless as I once did. Maybe it’s age

The strange thing is, I’m happier this way. I haven’t felt this giddy and full of excitement about what’s to come since my early college days. If I find myself thinking about how “weird” I must look doing something alone or feeling pangs of jealousy seeing lovey couples with their arms around each other at Mass, my inner cheerleader kicks in: “So what?? The same God who is with all of those couples is with you right now and therefore life is no less wondrous because you’re alone. :: society for trying to tell you otherwise.” I used to feel awkward because I go to Mass at about five different churches, but upon visiting each one of them during Holy Week this year, I began to see the beauty in even that. Being a part of each community, even marginally, has been a gift.

Has anyone else found themselves in a similar position? This is an experience I haven’t ever talked about with others, so I am curious to know if some of you are/have gone through something similar.

 

[King_Lazy]

Yes!

You very much describe my own feelings about the whole thing. And I don’t feel hopeless at all but I love my freedom and am excited about where God will lead me in my life. Instead of being a good husband to one person, I can be a good friend to many.

Who knows, maybe one day I will end up married, and I wouldn’t be the first one who does a 180 at some point in their life. But for the time being, the idea of not having my bed and my life to myself fills me with horror. I can’t imagine being anything but single.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Well, sort of. A lot of what you’ve described fits me to a T: I need quiet time, as well as time alone, to recharge; I can’t socialize all the time; I enjoy quiet. I like my own company, and when I go to a restaurant more often than not I’m alone with a book and happy.

However, I’m in a LDR. We are dating with marriage in mind as a possibility. One of the characteristics I look for in a spouse, and which my boyfriend has, is a similarly introverted personality. We both have friends, don’t get me wrong; we both like to spend time together, we go out together and with friends, and we’ll go to friends’ houses just to hang out for an evening. However, when we travel together–especially after a weekend together, when we’re really caught up–we’ll sit next to each other and read, or listen to music, or what have you, without either of us being offended or feeling lonely. We’re happy to be in each others’ company, and don’t need to talk in order to enjoy that. Of course, if one of us has something interesting to say, it’ll be said, but neither one of us can talk nonstop all the time. It isn’t in our natures.

Just something to consider. I also didn’t meet him until I was perfectly content in my own company most of the time. I’d get lonely sometimes, but not because I didn’t have anyone to talk to. My best friend and I talk several times a week, and I have other friends with whom I hang out as well. I just wanted to share my life–quiet, book- and music-filled as it is–with someone, and share in that person’s life too.

I am very glad, though, that you’re so content. It’s a rare quality in today’s world, regardless of relationship status.

 

[MySoph]

Iwillrisenow,

Yes, I’m pretty much at the place you are. I’m not sure if God has kept me from marriage or if I have, but I’m getting to be okay with it. I do still pray for marriage, though…a good, Catholic one. And yes, anything could happen. It ain’t over 'til it’s over.

I have a knack for getting myself mixed up with unhealthy people, and I thank the good Lord I have not married one of them. I find time and time again that many people marry someone who is very unheatlhy for whatever reason, and then married life is very unappy for that person. I’m convinced that would have happened to me because my “people picker” isn’t so good. I’ve since gone to counseling with a Catholic counselor, and I’m making some nice progress.

I’m an introvert, too. I enjoy talking to people and getting to know them, but I usually don’t initiate it because it feels awkward. I agree with you saying singles are left out at church which is too bad because I see a lot of people sitting alone at church, so some of them have to be single. We’re not exactly a rarity. I’m a cradle Catholic who recently went back to the Church after a very long absense. There was no warm reception like at the Protestant churches I attended. That was tough at first because my sibling relationships have disintigrated and I’m looking for stability. I knew it would happen, but since I was going back to the church I grew up in, I didn’t think it would bother me. It did. However, the more I go to Mass and go to whatever functions I can, the more a part of things I feel. I think there are a lot more people in our parishes who feel this way than we think.

Also, many parishes have schools, so the family tends to be the center of attention. I try not to be too offended at that because years ago I went to school at my parish, so I had my time of being the center of things.

 

[system]

Somebody please help me. I am so confused, I feel totally lost in this new country, I am without friends. I am 7 months pregnant. My husband does not have a few good words to say, cant understand my physical pain, says I complain. I am tired, just had enough of this life, dont wish to live.

I am here ,for a few words of comfort. help me.

 

[heaintheavy]

Recently, I feel as though I’ve entered a new phase of the single life: acceptance. Now, I never imagined that I would ever feel this way, but here it is.

For one, I’m beginning to be more realistic with myself. It’s very difficult to imagine going from a very independent existence to “relationship mode”. I’m not even sure if I’d know what to do. It may come naturally if you meet your spouse at a young age and simply grow up together, but combining one established, independent way of doing things with another? Oy. I’m an introvert and will openly admit that I am usually happiest doing things like traveling or enjoying time off from work on my own without social pressure adding stress to the mix. I need my little solo recharger activities to be my best for folks when I’m with them. I adore kids and enjoy working with them, but am always slightly relieved when their parents show up to take them home.

I’m beginning to see God’s wisdom in keeping me single, at least for the time being. I’m not a natural wife-type. While I enjoy cooking when I have the time to do it right, I’ve never been “a cook” or one to eagerly prepare dishes for others. I can handle weekly cleaning that needs to get done around the apartment, but I am by no means a “domestic goddess”. It’s a huge mystery to me how anyone ever finds a partner whom they freely choose to commit to for life, who also freely chooses to commit to him/her. Seriously, y’all. Think about how amazing that is, each and every time it happens. I’m truly in awe of anyone who manages it, especially in this “have it your way” world with its impossible standards and its illusion of infinite options. I’m fully aware if one day I do get married and have a family it will be a complete and utter, 110% God-driven miracle. Indeed…

The only thing that bothers me is that it’s easy to feel completely unconnected. Parish communities are less-than-welcoming to the single stranger. A priest in my diocese actually came out and acknowledged this at a singles conference I attended recently-- we’re not imagining things, fellow singles. Opportunities for charity do not readily present themselves, and challenges such as lack of transportation and limited time spent living in any one place make it difficult to, say, get involved with parish ministries. I’m always on the lookout for ministries that would enable me to use my gifts to build up the Church, but those are few and far between when you’re an introvert.

It’s not that I’ve stopped discerning marriage. Far from it. It’s just that I don’t feel quite as hopeless as I once did. Maybe it’s age

The strange thing is, I’m happier this way. I haven’t felt this giddy and full of excitement about what’s to come since my early college days. If I find myself thinking about how “weird” I must look doing something alone or feeling pangs of jealousy seeing lovey couples with their arms around each other at Mass, my inner cheerleader kicks in: “So what?? The same God who is with all of those couples is with you right now and therefore life is no less wondrous because you’re alone. :: society for trying to tell you otherwise.” I used to feel awkward because I go to Mass at about five different churches, but upon visiting each one of them during Holy Week this year, I began to see the beauty in even that. Being a part of each community, even marginally, has been a gift.

Has anyone else found themselves in a similar position? This is an experience I haven’t ever talked about with others, so I am curious to know if some of you are/have gone through something similar.

I’d say you’re feeling the exhilaration that many married women or mothers don’t really have time for or are not allowed to feel or have…which is… INDEPENDENCE!

And by the way, being married as a woman doesn’t necessarily mean cooking and cleaning. Many women don’t like those two things…and many men don’t, either.
Those are not gender-specific likes. Doesn’t mean you aren’t the wife-type. You just might have the sort of independent spirit, like many independent and artistic and striving women before you, who prefers to stay single.
Good on ya!

 

[cmscms]

I can relate a lot to what you are saying. I think for me it hit me 7 years ago when I was 35. I had always wanted to have at least 5 kids. I never saw the point of making all the sacrifices necessary to have a family if you only got 2 kids out of the deal. And when I was 35 and single it hit me ‘Given my age, I am too old to have a large family so might as well stay single’. I feel sometimes feel weird accepting this because society sees me as ‘Poor CM why can’t she find a man?’ One lady once asked me if I regreted never having kids and when I replied no her exact words were ‘I meant that question seriously don’t you regret it’. I felt I was suppose to read the script and say ‘yes’ as was expected.

Around that time, I also gave up on trying to meet someone. Singles events were full of divorced people or people with kids. When I would say ‘I am not interested in a man with kids or a divorced man’ I would offend the whole group. Not to mention a lot of the women there had just come out of bad marriages and with this new found freedom were worst than sailors whose boat just docked

And being introverted has always posed a lot of problems, people get very offended when I can only take them 2 hours at a time. I can’t count how many guilt trips have been put on me when I make plans to go to the gym with someone and after the workout I don’t want to go for a drink. And I have had busy periods in my life so when I am done work and am rushing to get home, people get mad that I don’t want to hang around for 20 minutes and talk. OK, enough of the resentments.

I go through phases where I think it would be nice to have a husband to share life’s burdens with. Like when I have to depend on neighbours to change a lightbulb on a ceiling lamp and they say they will be over and never show. But I know any man I had in the past would have been a financial burden since they liked to spend more than they earned and since I save my money, saw no problem with me paying since ‘I know you have the money’. I know not all men are like that put the ones I chosee were

So, in a nutshell, I try my best to accept God’s will but it gets very difficult at times like when temptation due to hormones present itself or when watching TV and I feel like making a comment and there is no one to hear it

Saying to myself ‘There are probably times when married women wish they could have my independance’ does not make me better. How can a Catholic feel better at someone else’s struggle?

Well after my long ramble I have concluded, God’s strenght and comfort is what I need

CM

 

[Lochias]

Just turned 30, and as a single guy without a lot of commitments, I’m vaguely feeling the same way. I spent the last year being deeply upset that I haven’t found “the one” yet, but a body can only carry that so far. Getting in deeper with the Faith has helped tremendously, and God has given me enough responsibilities that I don’t feel useless or unwanted.

I’m still adjusting, but I’m getting there. I still strongly hope for marriage, and do what I can (I am a bit more extroverted than introverted, but paradoxically am also shy, almost terminally so, when it comes to romance). My last relationship went south pretty hard, and I feel that the time alone, however long it may be, is doing me some good.

 

[Ridgerunner]

I have been married for many years, so perhaps i shouldn’t address this, but I will.

From the time I was just a little kid, I didn’t THINK I would be married with children someday, I KNEW it. Having been raised in a large family, I knew full well what a challenge it would be, but I knew I was meant to be married. I don’t know how I knew it, but I did. And I knew, too, that adapting to life with a woman would not be some easy thing, either. (no offense to women, it works both ways) I had sisters, you see, and grown women in my family, and I could see there were simply differences in thinking, and that I would have to adapt to those differences. But that was okay.

I have a sister, however, who never married. She went out quite a lot when she was younger, and had at least two very respectable proposals that I know about. But she didn’t marry, and at a point in her life simply decided it wasn’t for her.

What was/is that all about? Not being her, I don’t know for sure, but it really does have something to do with independence and self-determination and, I think, a realization that married life simply was not something for which she was well suited. She is a very independent-minded person and, thinking about it, the idea of her adapting to a man in her life is now beyond imagining.

Nevertheless, she has had a very useful life. She retired and does a lot of charity work now, and she’s very good at it.

When you’re married, you really can’t be “you” in the fullest sense, because you absolutely have to adapt to another person and that person is of the opposite sex to boot! It really takes a lot, and unless you are already a “married type” psychologically, and know it, marriage might not be best for you.

And you have to adapt to children and the fortunes, good and bad, of child rearing and development.

 

[iwillrisenow]

Thank you all for your thoughtful (name removed by moderator)ut on the subject. It’s nice to know that there’s a community of singles out there going through these same things! Thoughts in response are churning away…

To start, I wouldn’t say that being independent is counterintuitive to being married, or synonymous with being unaccommodating, selfish, or uncharitable (all things which we singles are often accused of being by married folks, especially those with children). Case in point: most of the women in my family (and yes, all but two out of ten over 30 are married or in an exclusive, long-term relationship) are on the independent side. One of my grandmothers in particular was known for making her own way and standing her ground: don’t think she would’ve been able to fight her own family’s socio-economic prejudice and marry my grandfather without that trait. Yet she raised seven children through some of the most challenging decades in the twentieth century and, on top of that, was known to be one of the most charitable and giving women in the community.

I can see how a man who knows that he’s meant to be married can be more certain that it will actually happen. A man who expresses a desire for marriage and children at a young age is admired and cherished, while a woman is generally discouraged from “hoping for too much”. A man who wants to get married will generally have an easier (not easy…just easier) time than a woman seeking the same. And men have about 20 odd years of additional “eligibility”, for lack of a better word, on us ladies. Again, personal examples: I have a couple of (male) cousins, who have gone from years of bachelorhood and/or been through divorce who’ve “up and” gone nuclear with a new wife and baby well into their 40s. Meanwhile, as a not-quite-30-but-close female, I am aware that the reality of any timeline, even if my future husband and I met an hour from now, is not in favor of my prospects for natural motherhood. That doesn’t mean that it’s time to throw in the towel…just to start shifting expectations a bit.

I will admit something right here that I would tell very few people face to face for the reasons listed above: deep down, I know that I’m meant to be married. That it is my vocation. I am also very aware that due to circumstances beyond my control (fallen world and other societal wrenches), there is a chance that I will not be able to fulfill that vocation. A chance that grows greater with every year. It can and does happen.

Yet, I’m not at the point of “checking out” on marriage and accepting lifelong singledom as the inevitable, no matter what anyone says. I don’t even know if I’d say that I prefer to be single. Marriage seems like a secret club that I suddenly found myself locked out of at age 24 with no idea how to enter. Still, I am in a phase where I can fully (well…almost…there’s always that tiny, niggling, “hopeful” voice) accept that it may not happen. And that’s scary. And more than a bit heartbreaking. But OK. Actually, more than OK…because even the desire for marriage is a gift beyond comprehension, no matter what society (yes, even within Catholic circles) tells women nowadays.

So here’s to my fellow “single ladies” and “fellas” who are blooming where they’re planted and living and loving a full life not “someday”, but today

 

[Lochias]

Thank you all for your thoughtful (name removed by moderator)ut on the subject. It’s nice to know that there’s a community of singles out there going through these same things! Thoughts in response are churning away…

To start, I wouldn’t say that being independent is counterintuitive to being married, or synonymous with being unaccommodating, selfish, or uncharitable (all things which we singles are often accused of being by married folks, especially those with children). Case in point: most of the women in my family (and yes, all but two out of ten over 30 are married or in an exclusive, long-term relationship) are on the independent side. One of my grandmothers in particular was known for making her own way and standing her ground: don’t think she would’ve been able to fight her own family’s socio-economic prejudice and marry my grandfather without that trait. Yet she raised seven children through some of the most challenging decades in the twentieth century and, on top of that, was known to be one of the most charitable and giving women in the community.

I can see how a man who knows that he’s meant to be married can be more certain that it will actually happen. A man who expresses a desire for marriage and children at a young age is admired and cherished, while a woman is generally discouraged from “hoping for too much”. A man who wants to get married will generally have an easier (not easy…just easier) time than a woman seeking the same. And men have about 20 odd years of additional “eligibility”, for lack of a better word, on us ladies. Again, personal examples: I have a couple of (male) cousins, who have gone from years of bachelorhood and/or been through divorce who’ve “up and” gone nuclear with a new wife and baby well into their 40s. Meanwhile, as a not-quite-30-but-close female, I am aware that the reality of any timeline, even if my future husband and I met an hour from now, is not in favor of my prospects for natural motherhood. That doesn’t mean that it’s time to throw in the towel…just to start shifting expectations a bit.

I will admit something right here that I would tell very few people face to face for the reasons listed above: deep down, I know that I’m meant to be married. That it is my vocation. I am also very aware that due to circumstances beyond my control (fallen world and other societal wrenches), there is a chance that I will not be able to fulfill that vocation. A chance that grows greater with every year. It can and does happen.

Yet, I’m not at the point of “checking out” on marriage and accepting lifelong singledom as the inevitable, no matter what anyone says. I don’t even know if I’d say that I prefer to be single. Marriage seems like a secret club that I suddenly found myself locked out of at age 24 with no idea how to enter. Still, I am in a phase where I can fully (well…almost…there’s always that tiny, niggling, “hopeful” voice) accept that it may not happen. And that’s scary. And more than a bit heartbreaking. But OK. Actually, more than OK…because even the desire for marriage is a gift beyond comprehension, no matter what society (yes, even within Catholic circles) tells women nowadays.

So here’s to my fellow “single ladies” and “fellas” who are blooming where they’re planted and living and loving a full life not “someday”, but today

Thoughtful and insightful post. I will add only that it is always a good thing to hope. We can trust in God’s goodness and loving care at all times, leaving us free to hope, even as we go through our lives.