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joandarc2008
Guest
By the way just to answer your other question about waiting until marriage I grabbed this as the CCC puts it so much better than I do:
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Fidelis_Unus
Guest
What an amazing women you are, this was so beautifully and eloquenty done!
Your earlier comment about suggesting perhaps he talk to a priest earlier was very good, too. Lovingly deflecting, so that focus is not all on you, but where it belongs, can be a very healthy tool. Took me years to learn. You’re a quick study!
If you don’t mind a suggestion … It helps, too, if you have a friend or two to call when the urge to reconnect with him or the fear of being so alone comes up. One need not go through things alone. If you plan how you’re going to handle this ahead of time you can ‘learn’ to call a friend first and save yourself a lot of emotional turmoil.
God has a plan for you and His plan is better than you could imagine. I hope that you can be patient and trust in Him.
God bless
C
Consecrated
Guest
I think what people are trying to tell you is that you can’t even leave room for any idea of a future with this man. You cannot worry about hurting his feelings. You cannot leave any room in your next and last contact with him for his wheedling. You must say, “I cannot have contact with you anymore. Goodbye and God bless you.” THE END. **YOU must come to the realization that you are cutting off contact with him FOREVER. He is not a good man for you now, nor anytime in the foggy future. He is DANGEROUS. **And then you must DO all the things already explained to you to make sure he cannot continue to stalk you. IF he does somehow manage to force contact with you, ignore completely, or repeat ad nauseum “I cannot have contact with you anymore.” And file away proof of his forcing contact in case you need to take action against him via the law.
God bless you dear, and Mary keep you, and help you do the right thing for your soul and your children. You CAN do it, with God’s help. You can be strong with Him to hold you!!!
BTW, having sex with a man before marriage will not help to reveal a problem with porn. You did the right thing in waiting, even though you found out some nasty things after your marriage.
J
JRKH
Guest
D
dulcissima
Guest
Good advice from Consecrated.
A felony conviction for drug possession is no small thing. As you provide more and more information about this man, the picture becomes increasingly alarming, particularly because it sounds like he feels like he has invested in you and has some sense of ownership with regards to the decisions you make about your life. He sounds like he could be a ticking time bomb. If he is blaming you for bringing up his criminal record, it sounds like he is inclined to pin blame on you for his own failings.
You might want to consider contacting a domestic violence center to get advice on what steps to take in cutting things off with him, what red flags to look for. I know that part of what they will tell you is that if he threatens suicide, consider him to be an imminent threat and contact the police.
You do need to be firm and do not continue to take calls from him. You also need to make sure that you have friends around who will watch out for you and your children.
A felony conviction for drug possession is no small thing. As you provide more and more information about this man, the picture becomes increasingly alarming, particularly because it sounds like he feels like he has invested in you and has some sense of ownership with regards to the decisions you make about your life. He sounds like he could be a ticking time bomb. If he is blaming you for bringing up his criminal record, it sounds like he is inclined to pin blame on you for his own failings.
You might want to consider contacting a domestic violence center to get advice on what steps to take in cutting things off with him, what red flags to look for. I know that part of what they will tell you is that if he threatens suicide, consider him to be an imminent threat and contact the police.
You do need to be firm and do not continue to take calls from him. You also need to make sure that you have friends around who will watch out for you and your children.
S
startingover222
Guest
It’s a very unsettling feeling, I will admit. I emailed him the church laws that were presented here…and told him I just couldn’t talk with him any longer. That I would contact him if I were ever able to enter into a relationship in the future, but asked him to respect my privacy - until then.
He has texted and called – I haven’t responded. It is nerve wracking – but I’m sticking to my guns. Thank you so, so much. All of you have really helped me. I will think of this as part of my Lenten promise…
All the best…
He has texted and called – I haven’t responded. It is nerve wracking – but I’m sticking to my guns. Thank you so, so much. All of you have really helped me. I will think of this as part of my Lenten promise…
All the best…
J
joandarc2008
Guest
You are welcome - just remember that the Cross that you bear now represents the Cross that Christ himself bore on his way to Calvary. Good luck - you are an example to many.
J
JRKH
Guest
May God be with you.
May St Michael defend you.
Cling to the cross.
Peace
james
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dulcissima
Guest
You are doing great!
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SarahR
Guest
Prayers for you! You are doing the right thing to cut all ties. My guess is that eventually (hopefully sooner rather than later) after your contact has completely ended you will feel a HUGE burden lifted from your shoulders. You will look back and wish you could reclaim the energy, emotion, time (for your healing, your future and your kids) that you lost on this man.
Being obsessed with you is not the same as loving you. He’s obsessed with you and being very selfish and disrespectful.
You don’t need to convince him of the authority behind your decision. You don’t need to send him any more links to demonstrate to him why you are deciding to end contact. It’s your decision. He needs to respect YOU, it’s not like he needs to weigh all factors and decide if you have credible reason.
Come to Jesus for healing. I’ve been where you are and wish to heavens I hadn’t WASTED all that time on someone I thought was going to be my St. Joseph…ha! Such time, energy, stress, prayers, anxiety, splitting hairs, ayayay.
Dear poster, please rest in all the prayers that are going up for you. Prolonging any contact will only make it more entangled.
I hope you can find a woman or two that you really trust who can help you when you feel alone. You have been through so much. I’ve been separated almost 2 1/2 years and couldn’t imagine dating now! (even if I had an annulment). There are so many changes and the kids need their mom as their stable figure.
Prayers and love to you.
Being obsessed with you is not the same as loving you. He’s obsessed with you and being very selfish and disrespectful.
You don’t need to convince him of the authority behind your decision. You don’t need to send him any more links to demonstrate to him why you are deciding to end contact. It’s your decision. He needs to respect YOU, it’s not like he needs to weigh all factors and decide if you have credible reason.
Come to Jesus for healing. I’ve been where you are and wish to heavens I hadn’t WASTED all that time on someone I thought was going to be my St. Joseph…ha! Such time, energy, stress, prayers, anxiety, splitting hairs, ayayay.
Dear poster, please rest in all the prayers that are going up for you. Prolonging any contact will only make it more entangled.
I hope you can find a woman or two that you really trust who can help you when you feel alone. You have been through so much. I’ve been separated almost 2 1/2 years and couldn’t imagine dating now! (even if I had an annulment). There are so many changes and the kids need their mom as their stable figure.
Prayers and love to you.
M
monicatholic
Guest
this is the devil. he’s telling you the choices are either sin OR sin.
don’t believe him.
those are not God’s choices,.
you ended up with a porn-loving abuser and then a manipulative ex-convict because your partner picker is broke. very broke.
let God heal you. this will take lots of time. raise your kids in the Faith. come to the forums, talk it out. make good Catholc women friends. get involved in church, your kids’ school. pray.
and know as well as you know you’re sitting there reading this: those two choices posed above are the devil’s choices. not God’s.
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Fidelis_Unus
Guest
Startingover,
Good for you!
I’m still praying for you and, clearly others are, too. May you find peace amidst all the turmoil. My prayers are, also, that you will find the courage and strength to love yourself enough to not put up with terrible behavior from someone else who claims to love you.
When one says “I can’t stay away”, etc. there is nothing in there about love whatsoever, it’s obsession. Nothing good comes from it. You are not responsible for his feelings. If he cannot show enough compassion for you to give you time to feel your feelings and decide what is best for you, well then he does not want what is best for you … he wants “what he wants when he wants it” regardless of your feelings or needs.
That comfort and attraction can feel so good, especially coming out of a relationship where you may feel undesirable. It’s enticing, but it’s not real, it’s not love. It’s like drinking to stop the pain and it a very bad basis for a relationship.
If, as he says, he really loves you, then it won’t matter that you need time. A man who truly loves you will wait and be respectful and not emotional manipulative.
I pray that you will take time to learn to really love yourself and understand what you want in a man, then look for these qualities.
C
cthulhubryan
Guest
To start with, you have my prayers.
After that, as a man I must say that I am disappointed in this fellow. Women are not sale items to be snapped up as soon as possible. One of the best things a man can do is to wait. It is not gentlemanly to push or force. You never want your wife to think “Did I move to quickly”
The proper answer is (the first time you mentioned it to him) is “Okay, great. I understand. I will be praying for you and you have my number if you need something.”
I seem to remember St. Paul saying something about love being patient.
Bryan
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jrichard
Guest
You should be so proud of yourself! This must have been very difficult, but you did it. When in doubt, always seek God for the answer. God was trying to warn you so you wouldn’t get hurt again. Don’t beat yourself up for standing up to your beliefs. It’s not fun when you have to make people aware of your boundaries, but you feel so much better in the end when you know you did the right thing.
A
admonsta
Guest
I remember the first time I listened to a Catholic call-in radio program. A person rang up and said that she was married for the second time. She asked if there was a way to make the marriage legitimate in God’s eyes. She was told to break all ties with her second “husband”, for the sake of their immortal souls. At the time I thought the answer was harsh. Now, a bit further down the track, I see things differently.
It’s a hard thing to make decisions while keeping our intentions firmly towards eternal happiness. The physical here-and-now is so much more in our faces. When someone presses us to do something, it seems easier just to go with it, to avoid confrontation. Recently I’ve been experiencing moments of dread when thinking about the possibilities after death. The idea of damnation chills me to the bone. I now look at each decision I make, and ask myself if it will help me get to heaven, or not.
This life is not very long, and you should make it your single mission to get to heaven and take as many people as you can with you. Somewhere I read that your first priority is to save your own soul. Don’t be fooled by things of this world - save your own soul.
Making the right decision often makes life harder. Use suffering to offer to God in reparation. Embrace suffering, and think of all the people you might be helping by suffering.
It’s a hard thing to make decisions while keeping our intentions firmly towards eternal happiness. The physical here-and-now is so much more in our faces. When someone presses us to do something, it seems easier just to go with it, to avoid confrontation. Recently I’ve been experiencing moments of dread when thinking about the possibilities after death. The idea of damnation chills me to the bone. I now look at each decision I make, and ask myself if it will help me get to heaven, or not.
This life is not very long, and you should make it your single mission to get to heaven and take as many people as you can with you. Somewhere I read that your first priority is to save your own soul. Don’t be fooled by things of this world - save your own soul.
Making the right decision often makes life harder. Use suffering to offer to God in reparation. Embrace suffering, and think of all the people you might be helping by suffering.
S
startingover222
Guest
You guys have no idea how much all of this support has helped me! I have NOT contacted him and he has not contacted me. I have been tempted, of course – but I’ve gone and done something else to distract myself. I have also found myself focusing on the many times he tried to get me to leave my soon to be exhusband for him. That was a horrible thing for him to do – and I realize that reveals a ton about his personality. He is not the person for me – regardless of the situation I’m currently in.
The only BAD thing about this is that I’ve been tempted to miss my husband. He is attending church and seeking forgiveness, but he has done this many times before. I put up with too much in my marriage to return to him - regardless of how religious and sorry he might be now. But, I will find the strength to be alone. It’s terribly difficult. I think I need to find a hobby and to continue doing a ton of praying.
Gracias!
The only BAD thing about this is that I’ve been tempted to miss my husband. He is attending church and seeking forgiveness, but he has done this many times before. I put up with too much in my marriage to return to him - regardless of how religious and sorry he might be now. But, I will find the strength to be alone. It’s terribly difficult. I think I need to find a hobby and to continue doing a ton of praying.
Gracias!
F
Fidelis_Unus
Guest
GOOD FOR YOU! What you have done is not easy and it shows you have the strength to do this. Good news is that is does get easier.
You’ve written some important things here that show that you are gaining some very healthy perspective (rather quickly I think … see how great you are?).
It would help if you could find a way to fell that empty part of you that longs for companionships. DO you have a friend you can call or an activity you can do instead? Maybe find a new hobby … a better than men thing. Making mosaics, photography (especially this time of year). Teach yourself to pick that up instead of the phone. I’m sure you get the idea.
I was very glad to seen a update from you and find that you are choosing what’s healthy for you. You’re doing great!
Continued prayers …
A
admonsta
Guest
You know which hobby helps to fill my time and distract me? This forum! 
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Rence
Guest
That’s a tough call. I feel for you. I know people who dated while they were in the process of getting their annulment, and it worked for them. They wound up married after all that was done. But…
It really would be in your best interest to get involved with a man who shares your same views on marriage. Clearly you regard marriage as a holy sacrament and serious business and you want to wait until your annulment before being romantically involved with someone else. If he does not share those views as you say above, it is IMOHO that you are setting yourself up for another heartbreak. And besides that, you don’t know if your annulment will be approved, and then what will you do with this man? If a relationship with this man is meant to be, it will be, he’ll wait for you. If he doesn’t then he isn’t right for you. He must respect your moral convictions or you will have a very weak foundation… just MOHO…
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Rence
Guest
Well good for you!
Congratulations on the clarity of thoughts you were able to put together. It’s hard to keep it together in the heat of the moment. Now you can go on with your annulment and hopefully meet someone with whom you share values - Status