Single mom confused about sex. Help!

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MissRose

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Hi! I’ve been lurking around here for a few months and this forum has helped me immensely in answering questions about my faith.

I am 20 yrs old and have been a Roman Catholic since the age of 9. I have been battling depression in the past few years, and unfortunately, have strayed away from the church. During that time, I got myself into some risky situations and became pregnant at age 17 with my then boyfriend. I am now a mother to a beautiful, healthy 3 year old boy. I broke up with the father of my son during my pregnancy because he was physically abusive. He has disappeared since then.

I have started dating again. I have been seeing my boyfriend for quite some time and love him dearly. We have discussed marriage. He was born and raised catholic, but now considers himself agnostic.

We have been having sex, and I feel terribly guilty about it. I want to be chaste.

I want to stop sinning. I want to be close to God again. Is it ridiculous that I want to be chaste until marriage, even though I have already had a baby out of wedlock? Is this even possible, or is this just a lost cause?

How do I tell my boyfriend I want to stop having sex?

I apologize for the barrage of odd questions. I don’t know anyone in my situation, and am deeply confused. Please help!

Thank You and God Bless,
Rose
 
I am not experienced with relationships so I’ll let some other people reply to your question as to how to tell him… but I think I can asnwer to this one:
MissRose said:
Is it ridiculous that I want to be chaste until marriage, even though I have already had a baby out of wedlock?
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No! 🙂 Definitely not! I think it is wonderful.

Kathrin
 
Wow, you’re so lucky to have your son! From a future adoptive mom, I’m jealous 😃 .

I had a lot of premarital sex … like, a whole lot. When I came back to the Church, and when DH (then fiance) was then joining, we stopped having sex. It took him some time to really understand and accept it, and lots and lots of talking. But it’s always worth doing the right thing.
 
The Lord is inspiring you to do the right thing.

Just tell your boyfriend and explain why. If he gets upset, then he has the problem. It might just set him thinking in the right way.

God bless!
 
God never gives up on us. It’s His truth that is trying to guide you. You know sex out of wedlock is a sin, so it’s pulling at your conscious.

Your relationship with God is far more important than your relationship with your boyfriend. This is hard to consider, but it’s always God first, everyone else second.

You just have to explain to your boyfriend how you feel. If he doesn’t respect it, you need to move on. If someone doesn’t care about your soul, they don’t care about you.

Don’t let your past sins eat away at you any longer. Head to confession and get back to Church. God still loves you and is ready to forgive you for your downfalls. All you have to do is ask for his forgiveness in the sacrament.

1 confession and every sin you have committed is forgotten by God. How easy, how simple, how wonderful we have this opportunity as Catholics.

Sin is like cancer. Confession is like the miracle drug. You’d be silly to pass it up.
 
MissRose said:
Hi! I’ve been lurking around here for a few months and this forum has helped me immensely in answering questions about my faith.

I am 20 yrs old and have been a Roman Catholic since the age of 9. I have been battling depression in the past few years, and unfortunately, have strayed away from the church. During that time, I got myself into some risky situations and became pregnant at age 17 with my then boyfriend. I am now a mother to a beautiful, healthy 3 year old boy. I broke up with the father of my son during my pregnancy because he was physically abusive. He has disappeared since then.

I have started dating again. I have been seeing my boyfriend for quite some time and love him dearly. We have discussed marriage. He was born and raised catholic, but now considers himself agnostic.

We have been having sex, and I feel terribly guilty about it. I want to be chaste.

I want to stop sinning. I want to be close to God again. Is it ridiculous that I want to be chaste until marriage, even though I have already had a baby out of wedlock? Is this even possible, or is this just a lost cause?

How do I tell my boyfriend I want to stop having sex?

I apologize for the barrage of odd questions. I don’t know anyone in my situation, and am deeply confused. Please help!

Thank You and God Bless,
Rose
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You are right on. Just show your boyfriend the exact, word-for-word post you wrote here. You’ll find out more about him from his reaction.
 
God bless you, Miss Rose.
Is it ridiculous that I want to be chaste until marriage, even though I have already had a baby out of wedlock?
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Not at all. In fact, it might even be your love for your dear baby’s soul that has awakened your conscience. You want to be a good example!
Is this even possible, or is this just a lost cause?
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Yes, it’s possible. When my hubby and I entered the Church, we had an invalid marriage, since I had been married before. We were celibate for two years, until the Church declared that other one null. It was hard, but it was worth it. I got to receive the Sacraments and know that I was helping him get to Heaven. And we have other posters here who have given up the “party animal” lifestyle. They may have more practical advice.
How do I tell my boyfriend I want to stop having sex?
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This is going to be the hardest part. Since he is an agnostic, he may give you all kinds of arguments against chastity, and some of them may sound pretty good. One of the ugliest, because it is blackmail, is “If you cut me off, I’ll have to find another girl.” That one worked on me before I met my hubby.

So you have to make up your mind beforehand whether you are going to put God and His church ahead of this relationship. If you are *willing *to let go of him for your soul’s sake, you have already won one battle.

I would suggest that you tell him that you believe that both of you are committing the sin of fornication, and that you love him enough to prefer his getting to heaven to your loving enjoyment of sex. Try to help him see this. It will take time - but stick to your guns.

If he chooses to end the relationship over this, then he is confused about what love means. Either that, or he is selfish. In any case, you can continue to love him by praying for his salvation.

We live in a world where sex has been downgraded to a mere recreation to which everyone is entitled. You know that’s not true, but does he?

Praying for you,

Ruthie
 
This is the slippery slope of pre-martial sex. I think especially for men it is more difficult to have this stop. I would have other things for you to do together, whether it is volunteer work, tennis game, bike ride, long hike in the park, something you both would enjoy.

I know a couple that did this recently and it went great for them. They were very open about having been active and then stopping for almost a year until the wedding. Like others have said it will be a test for both of you I’m sure.

You are a great example of what 20 year old young lady should be thinking about! God Bless You!
 
God bless you, it’s wonderful that you want to return to the church and practice chastity.
I raised 2 sons as a single parent, and I so wish that I had been Catholic at the time. I belonged to an evangelical church that didn’t believe in baptism of infants. My oldest son never did get baptised and it’s one of my heaviest sorrows.
You will have the opportunity to raise your little boy in the church, which is wonderful.
I would just explain to your boyfriend how you feel. If his love for you is real, he will respect your wishes. If he backs away, you will not have lost anything, because it’s much better to discover problems before than after the wedding. This will be hard to do at first, but will lead to greater happiness in the end.
 
MissRose said:
Hi! I’ve been lurking around here for a few months and this forum has helped me immensely in answering questions about my faith.

I am 20 yrs old and have been a Roman Catholic since the age of 9. I have been battling depression in the past few years, and unfortunately, have strayed away from the church. During that time, I got myself into some risky situations and became pregnant at age 17 with my then boyfriend. I am now a mother to a beautiful, healthy 3 year old boy. I broke up with the father of my son during my pregnancy because he was physically abusive. He has disappeared since then.

I have started dating again. I have been seeing my boyfriend for quite some time and love him dearly. We have discussed marriage. He was born and raised catholic, but now considers himself agnostic.

We have been having sex, and I feel terribly guilty about it. I want to be chaste.

I want to stop sinning. I want to be close to God again. Is it ridiculous that I want to be chaste until marriage, even though I have already had a baby out of wedlock? Is this even possible, or is this just a lost cause?

How do I tell my boyfriend I want to stop having sex?

I apologize for the barrage of odd questions. I don’t know anyone in my situation, and am deeply confused. Please help!

Thank You and God Bless,
Rose
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Peace be with you! You are not alone. Many here have had to face the same issues you post. Some with success, others without. I suggest you look around a bit. If you don’t find some, let me know and I’ll dig up some. One woman was living with her fiance and did successfully stop having sex prior to their marriage. It actually made their relationship stronger!

As for your current situation, I assure you, you are not being hypicritical by wanting to be chaste. I have some questions for you to think about and some suggestions of reading materials that may be helpful to you and your boyfriend.

How serious are you about wanting to come back to the Church? How might your future marriage with your bf be affected by his religious feelings? How about your daughter? How do you REALLY want to be loved?

These are important questions to your situation. I know many happily married couples where the woman already had a child out of wedlock. Lessons can be learned, or mistakes repeated. It’s up to us to determine our choices going forward.

Have you heard of Theology of the Body? It explains alot about the Catholic faith and the church rules about sex. Christopher West is one author with websites, audio tracks, and more on the subject. Jason Evert and his wife have them too. But for you I’d suggest looking into Mary Beth Bonacci. She has a good book out called “Real Love: Answers to Your Questions on Dating, Marriage and the Real Meaning of Sex.”

A quick read for both you and your boyfriend might be Christopher West’s “The Good News About Sex and Marriage.” If you read this and your perspective about sex does not change, I would be surprised. Mine most certainly did! More importantly, if you adopt this view of how you should be treated, loved and respected, will your boyfriend share it or not?

I think you get the idea that maybe you have some hard decisions to make. I hope that these references help you with them.

Peace.
 
You are all so wonderful. Thank you SO much. All of these kind words and advice has helped me tremendously. I wish I could respond to every one of you because you have all made great points…but I dont even know where to begin!

About a day after I made this post I told my boyfriend. He was sad at first, but very supportive and understanding. Although he is agnostic, he has always been very supportive of my Catholic faith. (Although I wish he can come back to the church, and pray for him everyday, but thats another post!)

We have agreed to be chaste until marriage. It has only been a few days but it’s been so difficult! It is incredible how not having pre-marital sex with your partner can make you feel a depper connection with them.

I have also decided to stop masturbating and viewing pornography, and I still struggle with this. I am praying to God every single day for help in battling these temptations. A few months ago when I was reading the Catholic Digest, there was a very inspirational story about a recovering alcoholic. He would pray the rosary whenever he felt the urge to have a drink. I remembered that story and now I pull out my rosary when I get sexual urges, and it has helped tremendously.

Newbetx, thanks so much for recommending those sources. I am not familiar with them but will check them out ASAP.

Thank you, again, to everyone. I felt so strange for feeling this way but I see I am not alone.

God Bless,
Rose
 
06convert said:
God never gives up on us. It’s His truth that is trying to guide you. You know sex out of wedlock is a sin, so it’s pulling at your conscious.

Your relationship with God is far more important than your relationship with your boyfriend. This is hard to consider, but it’s always God first, everyone else second.

You just have to explain to your boyfriend how you feel. If he doesn’t respect it, you need to move on. If someone doesn’t care about your soul, they don’t care about you.

Don’t let your past sins eat away at you any longer. Head to confession and get back to Church. God still loves you and is ready to forgive you for your downfalls. All you have to do is ask for his forgiveness in the sacrament.

1 confession and every sin you have committed is forgotten by God. How easy, how simple, how wonderful we have this opportunity as Catholics.

Sin is like cancer. Confession is like the miracle drug. You’d be silly to pass it up.
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You are so right! God ALWAYS comes first. I am glad my boyfriend does respect my decision on this, and sees how important my relationship with God is.

A quick question. I was baptized, but never received my first communion or confirmation. (I head to RCIA classes this coming fall so I can receive the sacraments.) Is first communion a requirement to go to confession? I so want to go, but I have been told I can’t because I never received it. If somebody clarify this for me, I would greatly appreciate it.
 
just be honest with him, even without religion being involved you probably want to cut out sex so you don’t have a repeat of last time (getting pregnant by someone you’re not married too). my wife and i had a similar situation but we married instead very young and had a terrible time early in our marriage.

he’s an agnostic so you can’t be guaranteed he’s going to be o.k. with that. as someone who is between religions at the moment i’m torn on this issue. while not for rampant promiscuity, having sex with someone you’re in a commited relationship before marriage isn’t the worst thing that could happen. my wife and i are completely sexually incompatible, i have a libido of about 12 on a scale to 10 and my wife has a libido of about 2 or 3. other women i’ve been were much more sexually compatible with me and would probably make marriage much easier for both of us. now i’m stuck harrassing my wife all the time, and she’s stuck thinking of excuses to get out of it… no fun for either of us.
 
MissRose said:
You are so right! God ALWAYS comes first. I am glad my boyfriend does respect my decision on this, and sees how important my relationship with God is.

A quick question. I was baptized, but never received my first communion or confirmation. (I head to RCIA classes this coming fall so I can receive the sacraments.) Is first communion a requirement to go to confession? I so want to go, but I have been told I can’t because I never received it. If somebody clarify this for me, I would greatly appreciate it.
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I thought that the only requirement to confession was baptism - and that you need to have your first confession before you recieve your first communion.
 
You know, you could just go on over to church whenever they have confessions, and get in line. When it’s your turn, you could ask the priest what you need to do. Even if you can’t have an “official” confession, you can talk to him about your situation and he’ll have ways to help you sort it all out in your head.

I’m glad that you didn’t marry that loser and can still get married when you find the right guy. The right guy is the one who will share and respect your beliefs. My agnostic ex-husband was not supportive of my faith, not with me teaching in the RCIA, or even getting the kids to Mass. If they put up a fuss about going, he sided with them…leave them be. Why should they go to church if Dad didn’t. I was older than you, but still didn’t realize how important that was. I regret enormously that I didn’t wait for someone who shared my faith and my values. Even after the divorce (he was already living with someone else, who was also still married), the kids didn’t want anything to do with church. They’re both atheists now, which breaks my heart.

Those other things you mentioned…consider the value of that few minutes of pleasure and the value of your immortal soul. It makes celibacy a lot easier when you put things into perspective.
 
MissRose said:
You are so right! God ALWAYS comes first. I am glad my boyfriend does respect my decision on this, and sees how important my relationship with God is.

A quick question. I was baptized, but never received my first communion or confirmation. (I head to RCIA classes this coming fall so I can receive the sacraments.) Is first communion a requirement to go to confession? I so want to go, but I have been told I can’t because I never received it. If somebody clarify this for me, I would greatly appreciate it.
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As it has been said by others, normally Confession comes before Communion, even in the grade schoolers who are about to do their firsts of both. My advice would be to schedule a meeting with your priest and discuss with him the course of action you wish to take, and see if what he suggests in return jives with that. He might tell you to wait and go with your fellow RCIA members, or he might just tell you to go ahead with your sins right there.
I also remember that particular article from Catholic Digest, I remember reading it in Adoration. It was quite inspirational. Might I suggest that in addition to offering up your rosary when you feel your sexual urges, try to meditate on Psalm 51. It asks God to forgive us of our sins, even though we are not worthy. I’ve found that anything that can take your mind away from the sexual stuff and on God will almost certainly kill the urge. I will pray for you and your boyfriend. 🙂
 
MissRose said:
You are all so wonderful. Thank you SO much. All of these kind words and advice has helped me tremendously. I wish I could respond to every one of you because you have all made great points…but I dont even know where to begin!

About a day after I made this post I told my boyfriend. He was sad at first, but very supportive and understanding. Although he is agnostic, he has always been very supportive of my Catholic faith. (Although I wish he can come back to the church, and pray for him everyday, but thats another post!)

We have agreed to be chaste until marriage. It has only been a few days but it’s been so difficult! It is incredible how not having pre-marital sex with your partner can make you feel a depper connection with them.

I have also decided to stop masturbating and viewing pornography, and I still struggle with this. I am praying to God every single day for help in battling these temptations. A few months ago when I was reading the Catholic Digest, there was a very inspirational story about a recovering alcoholic. He would pray the rosary whenever he felt the urge to have a drink. I remembered that story and now I pull out my rosary when I get sexual urges, and it has helped tremendously.

Newbetx, thanks so much for recommending those sources. I am not familiar with them but will check them out ASAP.

Thank you, again, to everyone. I felt so strange for feeling this way but I see I am not alone.

God Bless,
Rose
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Praying for you Rose. God Bless you and your Boyfriend. Will this be easy to remain chaste and pure? Yes. Will it be worth it now and in the long run? Yes…

Take care and peace be with you and your friend…
 
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