Single Mom needing relationship advice

[proudsinglemom]

Hi all!

I am new here & in need of help and prayers & words or advice because for the last couple of months I’ve really been struggling. I will try to keep this as short as possible.

I am a single mom to 2 sons & have been single for almost 10 years. My sons are now 11 & 13. The marriage was very abusive & I never thought I’d love again. At least that was the plan, lol. I just wanted to raise my boys.

Fast forward to 2 and 1/2 years ago & my younger son started taking private music lessons. He is on the Autism Spectrum and sports never worked out so he wanted to try drums which he enjoys very much. His private teacher is just…words cannot describe how awesome he truly is. He is extremely patient and kind & has never gotten impatient even once. He even worked very hard with me on payments while I was unemployed. I can tell he is really a genuine person.

Anyways, I always knew I liked this guy since day 1. But over this past summer I realized how truly head over heels crazy I am for him. I am not talking about a crush and this is definitely NOT a case of lust. I am crazy in love with him and I never thought I would be able to love anyone again. I don’t talk to my boys about this kind of stuff but they both have made remarks on their own about how they want to see us together. Their own father hasn’t been in the picture for over 5 years.

The problem is that I know he doesn’t feel the same way about me and it is because of my weight (he didn’t say that but I’ve been through crushes before and I know the deal…again, this is more…way more… than a crush). I am working on my health & I’ve lost almost 50 pounds (YAY!). But lately I have been feeling extremely inadequate because he’s the man of my dreams & I can’t get him. Yet other people bounce from one marriage to the next, one relationship to the next, etc.

I just keep praying to God that he will somehow bring us together down the road, I keep praying saying the verse “love is patient, love is kind” and that is exactly what this guy is because of how fantastic he is with my son and how generous he was when working with me on payments. I don’t know if he is Catholic or not (never asked him) but if he isn’t I’d like to talk to him about how peaceful & awesome our religion is (I am convinced that it got me through the bad times in my first marriage).

Does anyone think that this is possible? Should I keep the faith? Please keep my family in your prayers *& pleaser pray for us that this might work out down the road.

Thanks in advance!

 

[proudsinglemom]

“With God all things are possible” Matthew 19:26

I would encourage you though, to focus on God’s will for your life. Each time you pray for this man to be your companion, add the following to your prayer “if it be your will God” this is good that you open your heart to God’s will for your life! God loves you, God has wonderful plans for your life! You are precious to God and the daughter of a King!

How wonderful that you have a new outlook, that you have lost weight, that you are spiritually renewed and out of an abusive relationship, these are wonderful things. Remember that hope for your future is in Jesus Christ, not in another man. It is probably hard to focus on that because there is part of you that is lonely and it is normal to want male companionship. It is natural to daydream, you are still a young woman, you desire a life companion this is perfectly natural just remember your ultimate hope and happiness is in Christ.

I am happy to pray for you thank you for asking! Whatever your future holds I know that God has wonderful plans for you!

Thank you SO much! You just made me cry tears of joy. I really am praying that this works out. And thank you for your prayers. Not only for myself but my kids need a Dad.

 

[oldgraymare2]

Hi all!

I am new here & in need of help and prayers & words or advice because for the last couple of months I’ve really been struggling. I will try to keep this as short as possible.

I am a single mom to 2 sons & have been single for almost 10 years. My sons are now 11 & 13. The marriage was very abusive & I never thought I’d love again. At least that was the plan, lol. I just wanted to raise my boys.

Fast forward to 2 and 1/2 years ago & my younger son started taking private music lessons. He is on the Autism Spectrum and sports never worked out so he wanted to try drums which he enjoys very much. His private teacher is just…words cannot describe how awesome he truly is. He is extremely patient and kind & has never gotten impatient even once. He even worked very hard with me on payments while I was unemployed. I can tell he is really a genuine person.

Anyways, I always knew I liked this guy since day 1. But over this past summer I realized how truly head over heels crazy I am for him. I am not talking about a crush and this is definitely NOT a case of lust. I am crazy in love with him and I never thought I would be able to love anyone again. I don’t talk to my boys about this kind of stuff but they both have made remarks on their own about how they want to see us together. Their own father hasn’t been in the picture for over 5 years.

The problem is that I know he doesn’t feel the same way about me and it is because of my weight (he didn’t say that but I’ve been through crushes before and I know the deal…again, this is more…way more… than a crush). I am working on my health & I’ve lost almost 50 pounds (YAY!). But lately I have been feeling extremely inadequate because he’s the man of my dreams & I can’t get him. Yet other people bounce from one marriage to the next, one relationship to the next, etc.

I just keep praying to God that he will somehow bring us together down the road, I keep praying saying the verse “love is patient, love is kind” and that is exactly what this guy is because of how fantastic he is with my son and how generous he was when working with me on payments. I don’t know if he is Catholic or not (never asked him) but if he isn’t I’d like to talk to him about how peaceful & awesome our religion is (I am convinced that it got me through the bad times in my first marriage).

Does anyone think that this is possible? Should I keep the faith? Please keep my family in your prayers *& pleaser pray for us that this might work out down the road.

Thanks in advance!

Hi proudsinglemom,

Congratulations on your weightloss! Good for you!

I would have to agree with Monica’s post, where I would also recommend putting God’s Will first in your life, and praying for that.

When I pray, that is what I do, anyway. I am already married, but I ask for God’s Will to be done in my life, because I always feel that God knows what I need, better than I do.

I have to admit that when I rely on myself, that is when I tend to mess things up for myself.

Prayers said for you, that all goes well for you and your family.

May God bless all of you.

 

[ClearWater]

Have you gotten your marriage annuled?

 

[Irishmom2]

Congratulations on the weight loss! That is wonderful. I agree with the other posters that you should focus on God’s will for you and for your sons.

I don’t know your situation, but honestly, if you do not have an annulment though, you should not think about dating at this point. Perhaps you should speak to a priest and see if you have any grounds.

 

[St_Francis]

Welcome to CAF and congratulations on your weight loss! I know that requires a lot of determination and self-discipline!

Sometimes it seems unfair that other people get through bad behavior what we want. I struggle with jealousy in that area myself, sigh.

I would work on not thinking about him other than in a professional way. Each time you find yourself thinking about him, pray for grace to love God above all things. This will be hard and at first require a lot of prayer, but stick to it. And encourage your sons to do the same. Building castles in the air is not a good habit … again, I struggle with that myself

You are being a great mother to your children; there is clearly lots of love between you all

 

[Tomdstone]

…honestly, if you do not have an annulment though, you should not think about dating at this point.

Perhaps it may change in the future, but at this point in time, AFAIK, if the first marriage was valid, the Roman Catholic Church does not allow divorce and remarriage.

 

[proudsinglemom]

Have you gotten your marriage annuled?

Hi! I have not gotten an annulment because the first marriage was not in the Catholic Church. I am thinking I will need to reach out to my priest though.

 

[SuperHappy]

You say that he doesn’t feel the same about you? That, for me, is the first indication that you should ask God to place His will over you and your relationship.

If you are looking for a partner, ask God to send you the correct one, the one who loves you and wants you just as much as you want him. If the teacher is that person, it will become apparent. If not, the right one will come into your life and that will be apparent.

Good for you on your weight loss! That’s not easy. And as for the people who jump from one marriage to the next, I suspect they are much more unhappy than you imagine them to be. Waiting is better than the turmoil of switching partners and divorcing!

Blessings upon you & your kids! Obviously you are a great mom!

 

[Regina7]

Hi! I have not gotten an annulment because the first marriage was not in the Catholic Church. I am thinking I will need to reach out to my priest though.

Yes, please see your priest before you begin dating. Just because it wasn’t in the Church doesn’t automatically make it invalid. Many other things factor into it, like whether you and husband were baptized when married and whether you were married in a Christian church.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

You don’t even know what his religion is but you’re “head over heels in love”?! Do you know if he’s single? Or heck, even know for sure if he’s straight? Does he have kids of his own? You know nothing about this man. This isn’t love, it’s a combination of loneliness and the joy of seeing a man build a good relationship with your special needs son.

My other concern here is that your kids are commenting. You say you haven’t shared your feelings with them, and maybe that’s true. Regardless, they’ve picked up on something. That’s a conversation you absolutely need to shut down every time. He is their music teacher, nothing more. Don’t let them get any grand ideas only to have their hopes crushed. More to the point, they need to know that concerning themselves with your love life or lack thereof is inappropriate and those discussions won’t be humored.

You’ve been single for 10 years and their father has only been gone for 5? They remember what it’s like to have a dad, and they’re getting to the age where they will really miss that influence. Rather than focusing on a near-stranger music teacher, maybe find an uncle, grandfather, or male friend they can bond with? Or look into the Big Brothers program. They need an adult male, but even if you were dating someone, it shouldn’t be your boyfriend. It needs to be a stable figure who will remain in their lives.

Finally, as an unbeliever I cannot stress this enough: If you have not gotten an annulment and you’re trying to date, he will not take your commitment to your faith seriously and he won’t care to hear how beautiful it is. He’ll probably feel the same way I feel when someone who I know has premarital sex bashes gay marriage, and that is thoroughly unimpressed.

 

[St_Francis]

You don’t even know what his religion is but you’re “head over heels in love”?! Do you know if he’s single? Or heck, even know for sure if he’s straight? Does he have kids of his own? You know nothing about this man. This isn’t love, it’s a combination of loneliness and the joy of seeing a man build a good relationship with your special needs son.

My other concern here is that your kids are commenting. You say you haven’t shared your feelings with them, and maybe that’s true. Regardless, they’ve picked up on something. That’s a conversation you absolutely need to shut down every time. He is their music teacher, nothing more. Don’t let them get any grand ideas only to have their hopes crushed. More to the point, they need to know that concerning themselves with your love life or lack thereof is inappropriate and those discussions won’t be humored.

You’ve been single for 10 years and their father has only been gone for 5? They remember what it’s like to have a dad, and they’re getting to the age where they will really miss that influence. Rather than focusing on a near-stranger music teacher, maybe find an uncle, grandfather, or male friend they can bond with? Or look into the Big Brothers program. They need an adult male, but even if you were dating someone, it shouldn’t be your boyfriend. It needs to be a stable figure who will remain in their lives.

Finally, as an unbeliever I cannot stress this enough: If you have not gotten an annulment and you’re trying to date, he will not take your commitment to your faith seriously and he won’t care to hear how beautiful it is. He’ll probably feel the same way I feel when someone who I know has premarital sex bashes gay marriage, and that is thoroughly unimpressed.

Very good post, Blue-Eyed Lady

 

[proudsinglemom]

Thanks to all who left supportive words. They’re very much appreciated. I’ll continue to pray every day.

I have a meeting at church on Sunday morning to discuss getting an annulment.

 

[mommy_k]

I read your post and wonder how you know he is not interested in you…

I would work on developing a friendship first and see how that goes. Sometimes people are different then when the kids are around. I have known some teachers that are very professional and kind at work, and not so much in a social context.

Anyway, I learn something new everyday and today I learned that even non Catholic marriages may need an annulment.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Valid points, could have been made a bit more charitably I think however just for my two cents…

I had kids in music, dance, acting, etc. lessons for years. Funny thing you actually can get to know the dance teachers, piano teachers etc. fairly well. Dropping off kids once a week & dropping off it is substantial contact over time. Although you made a good point in that she probably overstated it in calling it “love” it is probably more an infatuation. As far as getting to know someone, every teacher I knew had an annual “conference” then there were recitals and other events. Throw in the occasional email to communicate information and in 2-3 years you can get to know a person pretty well just my two cents! I think it is not really fair to this woman to say she knows “nothing about this man” In 2-3 years time I became friends with my children’s music teachers, dance teachers just by the level of contact described here. I knew about their families and their grandchildren and a lot about them.

That said your point about taking it slowly and especially getting an annulment was excellent advice and very respectful coming from your point of view. Thank you very much for that.

When your only contact with someone is through their work, and especially when that work involves children, all you’re really getting to know is a professional persona.

It’s not healthy to turn an attraction to that persona into a big dramatic bit about unrequited love and let your kids pick up on it. It’s not uncharitable at all to say this is wrong.

 

[mommy_k]

When your only contact with someone is through their work, and especially when that work involves children, all you’re really getting to know is a professional persona.

It’s not healthy to turn an attraction to that persona into a big dramatic bit about unrequited love and let your kids pick up on it. It’s not uncharitable at all to say this is wrong.

Yes, but sometimes kids just fantasize without any comment or (name removed by moderator)ut.

Some of my kids used to tell me that jeff probst would be a good husband for a single relative of mine. They see a guy, and think gee-hes nice, let’s tell mom to fix them up or in this case, tell mom to date music lesson guy.

Then there’s the song that kids sing to each other when you talk to the opposite sex…Mommy and music guy sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g.

And so on… Kids have no clue sometimes, and it’s mostly innocent…the op said she never discusses this, so I am guessing it’s one of those things kids do:shrug:

 

[Rau]

Perhaps it may change in the future, but at this point in time, AFAIK, if the first marriage was valid, the Roman Catholic Church does not allow divorce and remarriage.

A second marriage pursuant only to divorce can’t really ever become acceptable because the permanence of (valid) marriage is divinely revealed.

However, divorce is in fact recognised (see the catechism) as necessary in some circumstances.