Single parenting

  • Thread starter Thread starter momof8
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
M

momof8

Guest
Hello,

As I experience life as a single mother and divorced Catholic, I come across things from various Catholic sources that are very true, but not very helpful to me. The Church says that the family is in decline and that as the family goes, so goes the society. Sermons speak of the devastation divorce causes children. Of course that is right, but it doesn’t help me too much.

I came across this recently in a book meant to encourage parents:

“This is a book with a central theme: We live in times when families must draw closer to one another, re-center their core values, and draw closer to God in not just the biggest ways, but in the smallest.”

Well, great, but what about families like mine? How does a family like mine, with a former spouse who is for all intents and purposes an atheist and hostile to Catholicism, and whose lifestyle has a great deal of influence on the children, have a truly Catholic family?

Are any of you single parents in this situation, or do you know anyone who you think is doing a good job in this area? Any ideas on how we can be all we can be, in spite of our broken family, would be appreciated.

Thanks.
 
Do you have any close friends or extended family who can support you and your kids this way? Do your kids have good godparents with whom they can spend quality time?
 
Hi Rose,

We have a very faithful family. The hardest part at this point is my 15 yo ds, who has given up on God because he feels God has given up on our family. I guess I would need a ministry especially for families of divorce, so that we can see while the Chruch is opposed to divorce, God does not leave divorced families behind. I guess I have a hard time putting the need into words!

Thanks for the thoughts.
 
Hello

I know exactly what you mean. I am a single parent and have the same problem. And I feel the exact same way.

It seems as though so many people view things as in a perfect world…while in their next discussion will talk about how messed up the world is. Well if the world is such a mess then we can’t always apply “perfect world” actions to our lives. It doesn’t work that way

For the record - just because a couple stays married that does not mean they have a ticket to heaven - married people can go to hell just as easy as a divorced person. Just because a couple stays married that does not mean that the children are better off. Too often in this screwed up world kids are better off when the parents are divorced. (I know I am horrible for saying this - but its true) The problem is that we can’t look at the outcome of our lives prior to our decisions.

My problem is with the “sex talk”. I wanted to find a good way to talk about it with my kids - I would love to have a Catholic perspective. But when I bought books to try to learn how to do this in the Catholic way - the book just talks about parents being an example to the children. Respect and sexuality go hand in hand and if the children see that between the parents that goes a long way. Well as much as I believe that - it does not apply to my life in the least. If I would have stayed married it still would not have applied to my life

Terry
 
I have recently met a number of women who are single parents due to divorce. I admire each of them tremendously. From what I have learned, most were not the source of the problem nor sought the divorce, but rather were abandoned by their spouse or left marriages after discovering affairs, etc.

What I admire about these women (who are not necessarily Catholic) is their single-minded focus on their kids. Several have made conscious decisions not to date while they have children at home. All are well-educated and most are working outside the home in some capacity, yet are very involved in their kids’ lives and the community. They are social with their own friends, their kids’ friends, upbeat, positive and wonderful examples of integrity, devotion and maturity in the midst of some considerable adversity and heartbreak. I’m sure none of them ever imagined they would be in this position of living and parenting alone when they married, yet almost all have put a very good face on this difficult circumstance and are an admirable source of support for each other.
 
My mother found herself abandoned with two children during a time when divorce was hardly fashionable and when women were still subtly blamed for the marriage falling apart. I grew up watching her cling to her faith with both hands despite what my father did or said. Her life was faithful but not easy and I know as a child I often felt looked ‘down upon’ by the other kids because I came from a broken home.

It is so difficult to find that balance between acknowledging that divorce is bad and damages children and accepting the tough reality of the situation.

I have a suggestion for your 15 year old if he is open to reading a book. I got it for my nephew Ryan (he is now 18) when his parents went crazy and broke up his family. He has weathered that storm as best he can and has grown into a man of faith.

I got the book by Jay McGraw, Dr. Phil’s son, about having a successful life but it is geared for teens…and aren’t I helpful now that I can’t remember the name? I’m pretty sure that you can find int online though because I don’t think he has written that many ‘clones’ of his father’s books.

You might also check with Dr Ray Guerendi and see if there are any books or tapes for kids of divorce that will help your son realize that his job now is to pray for his father. I prayed for mine for over 45 years and he came home to the Church 11 days before he died…
 
Island_Oak said:
I have recently met a number of women who are single parents due to divorce. I admire each of them tremendously. From what I have learned, most were not the source of the problem nor sought the divorce, but rather were abandoned by their spouse or left marriages after discovering affairs, etc.

What I admire about these women (who are not necessarily Catholic) is their single-minded focus on their kids. Several have made conscious decisions not to date while they have children at home. All are well-educated and most are working outside the home in some capacity, yet are very involved in their kids’ lives and the community. They are social with their own friends, their kids’ friends, upbeat, positive and wonderful examples of integrity, devotion and maturity in the midst of some considerable adversity and heartbreak. I’m sure none of them ever imagined they would be in this position of living and parenting alone when they married, yet almost all have put a very good face on this difficult circumstance and are an admirable source of support for each other.
Click to expand...
Island Oak,

It is encouraging to read about women who are doing well in their situations. I wish I could meet them! There is much that they could teach me. I’ve attended meetings in our diocese for people dealing with divorce and they’re helpful, but most of those attending do not have young children so I don’t have a mentor, so to speak. Thanks for reminding me that there are many who are dealing well with this.
 
LSK said:
My mother found herself abandoned with two children during a time when divorce was hardly fashionable and when women were still subtly blamed for the marriage falling apart. I grew up watching her cling to her faith with both hands despite what my father did or said. Her life was faithful but not easy and I know as a child I often felt looked ‘down upon’ by the other kids because I came from a broken home.

It is so difficult to find that balance between acknowledging that divorce is bad and damages children and accepting the tough reality of the situation.

I have a suggestion for your 15 year old if he is open to reading a book. I got it for my nephew Ryan (he is now 18) when his parents went crazy and broke up his family. He has weathered that storm as best he can and has grown into a man of faith.

I got the book by Jay McGraw, Dr. Phil’s son, about having a successful life but it is geared for teens…and aren’t I helpful now that I can’t remember the name? I’m pretty sure that you can find int online though because I don’t think he has written that many ‘clones’ of his father’s books.

You might also check with Dr Ray Guerendi and see if there are any books or tapes for kids of divorce that will help your son realize that his job now is to pray for his father. I prayed for mine for over 45 years and he came home to the Church 11 days before he died…
Click to expand...
Hi LSK,

My ds would not read such a book, I don’t think, but I could give it a try. He knows I’ve ordered The ABC’s of Choosing a Good Wife and want him to read it to avoid some of the mistakes I’ve made and society would encourage him to make.

He used to pray that his father would come back to church and be able to receive the sacraments, but I think deep down he really thought that would also bring his parents back together. His father is indifferent to religion and my faith doesn’t seem to be helping much, so ds thinks it must not be an answer. It is good to know that your nephew is doing well in his faith.
 
My heart breaks for you and your child. I know what it is like to pray every night “bring Daddy home, amen” and then think that because that does not happen, God must not be listening.

Your faith does more than you know…my mother’s faith was like a beacon for me all the years I was away from the Church, blaming my family for being ‘too sick’ and basically making a mess of my life. When it was time for me to ‘come home to Rome’ it was the light of my mother’s faith that helped me find my way back (along with a good AA sponsor and hard work on my sobriety!).

Don’t lose hope…just encourage d to continue to pray with you and stay involved in Parish activities. HANG IN THERE…
 
I too am a single parent and have 5 children. It isn’t easy. It’s heartbreaking to find yourself in a situation that you have no control over and look at other catholic families and feel SO alone. I felt that I never quite fit in. None of my catholic friends were single parents. But I prayed everyday that God would ‘make up for what I lack as a mother and what the children lacked in a father’. He has faithfully reared my children in the faith far better than I could have done alone. It is still a work in progress as they are still young, 17, 16, 14, 12 and 18months. But so far they still love the faith and are fantastic ambassadors for it. People often comment on what wonderful children they are. Trust God.
I do not believe anyone has adequately addressed the reality of divorce and single parent ‘catholic’ families. It feels to me that talking about it somehow promotes it in some peoples eyes. I always felt like we were ignored, and many hoped that we would just go away as we were an embarrassment. (not saying this is true, just how I felt. My insecurites no doubt)
I felt failure so painfully real. It was terrible. I am now facing a ‘second’ failed marriage and that is unbelievably hard.
I remember once, many years ago, a prominent catholic American speaker came over here to Australia and gave a talk on home schooling. It was not long after my husband had walked out on me and our 4 children.
He started off by saying, ‘This talk is for intact catholic families, ones with fathers and mothers that will help in the education of their children,’ and at that I grabbed my baby from a friend and said, ‘well that rules me out’, gathered my other children and left in tears. The pain of being alone was real enough for me without being reminded what a failure I was. Later at another talk that evening, he came up to me and apologised.
I suffered so much, a lot of it self inflicted comdemnation. It is such a hard place to be. We know how important marriage is and we know we don’t live up.
But God used my pain and He saw my heartbreak that I couldn’t provide what my children deserved and has helped me more than I could imagine. He knows how inadequate we are.
Sorry that this is no more than a rant with not much helpful advice. I just wanted to say, that I know how you feel, I have been there and are back there again but God looks after everything. Put your entire trust in Him.
 
Being a single never been married parent feels pretty bad too. I tend to think that fellow Catholics are more forgiving of divorced single parents than us never been married single parents. The thing that gets me the most is when other parishoners suggest I be a part of a certain activity that my 2 year old daughter couldn’t be with me (cantoring, for example) and when I say “I’m a single mom and like to have my daughter with me at mass, plus my mom does so much for me already, I don’t want to ask her to watch my daughter on her time off” they persist in saying that I should really consider joining which makes me wonder if they even listened to what I told them about my situation.

There seem to be many Catholic books about divorce and the after effects of divorce, but for those of us who have never been married, there really aren’t any Catholic sources to help us in our parenting. I can’t even begin to explain how my marital status (or lack thereof) has contributed to so much unnecessary guilt (not breast feeding after a month b/c I had to start working again two weeks after giving birth, not being able to take the two weeks off when my daughter was sick with breathing issues - I was only able to take off the two days she was in the hospital and had to get relatives to take off work to help watch her until she was healthy enough to come back to the daycare I work at with me, giving in when I’m beyond exhaustion, having her watch a movie or two when I have no energy from having worked with toddlers all day). The ways I have felt like a failure of a parent, let alone knowing every day that I didn’t love my daughter enough to have waited and not have had her born into the situation she was born in.

The only advice I can give, find a spiritual director or good confessor and discuss your sorrows and concerns, that will be a good release. Also, once you let go of the major guilt you may begin to see that most are not judging you or your situation. When I actually told other parishoners that I am a never been married single mother, the kindest, daily mass attendees, Eucharistic adorers, would be nothing but kind and share the fact that they have children/siblings/friends who are in the same situation and are happy to see that I am an active Catholic. They wish their loved ones would be the same way and usually end up telling their loved ones about me and my situation so that maybe their loved ones will feel welcomed at our parish knowing that there is at least another single parent who is actually young with a young child. Don’t be afraid to let others know. YOu’ll never know who’ll come out of the woodworks who may be in the same situation or at one time were in the same situation.
 
My ex walked after letting us know that he rejected his Catholic upbringing and informed us that he was now a high priest in the local pagan worshipping society! Kids wanted him back, yet didn’t at the same time. There were 2 things that I felt I did right.
  1. Put them in family counselling with Catholic Charities to deal with the anger issues they were having.
  2. Prayed with them every night for their dad. I told them dad was sick, because no dad ever wants to reject God and their family. (ex apparently was diagnosed with mental problems).
A few other things that really helped:
3. Started new traditions especially dealing with religious holidays like Advent, Christmas, Lent and Easter. Things like lighting a homemade advent wreath and reading the daily readings together and having kids help plan meals for Operation Rice Bowl and meatless Fridays.
4. Made friends with families with very strong Catholic fathers. Asked the fathers to assist me when needed by talking to sons and doing guy things with them that they would never do with mom.

My kids are now almost 20, 17, and 15. Two years ago as I prepared to get married, I realized I got them through the toughest years and we were pretty close. We still are close. My oldest often comes home just to hang out with me. I asked him the other day if he would want to ever see his father again, he said no…but it wasn’t an angry answer, it was just that he didn’t have anything in common with his father at all.
 
Been a single parent is not a walk in the park you have to be the mother, father and everything else. My kids are 6 and 9 and it has been an adjustment for the kids. The girl who is 6 is much stronger than the boy is. He is very soft and with a result other boys take advantage and bully him. And that is where I get so angry and upset and feel that my ex left me alone to deal with this. While he is enjoying life to the fullest not having to worry about anything.

Sometimes I feel that I have to fight for everything that I have. Making sure that the kids homework is done after a long day at work. But the time you look it is way after 9pm and you wonder where the time went to. And then you need to get the kids things ready for the next day. Sometimes you wonder to yourself how did our parents manage. Unfortunately for me my father left my mother with 5 kids and she made it. She was so strong in her faith and never ever bad mouthed my father to us. That is just the person that she was. My ex and I both come from singel parent families and that is not what we wanted for our kids. His father died when he was very young and mine left. And guess what my ex did exactly what my father did he left for another women. And I said to him one day that your children are living your childhood. Watching their mother struggle to do everything remember how it hurt for you to see your mother suffer you have just done it to your kids.

But all we can do is have faith in God and just hang in there. I was also angry with God for a very long time and I am happy that I found him again. I know that your son is going through a tough time right now. But with time things do get better. Tell him to keep praying for his father. With my kids I love to watch TBN and they watch it with me listening to the different religious speakers my favourites is TD Jakes, Joyce Meyer, Kenneth Copeland, Paul White. These people can really preach and it is good to listen to their preachings sometimes they talk about valid issues. Joyce Meyer reads good books and she really preaches. She has really helped me alot.

God has a plan for us not sure what it is but he has a plan and it is in his time not ours. We spend to much stressing about the little things. Life is to short to spend time worrying about the negativity. But with God in our lives we can do all things through Christ who stengthens me. And we need to just keep praying and staying in our faith.
 
homewardangel said:
Hello

I know exactly what you mean. I am a single parent and have the same problem. And I feel the exact same way.

It seems as though so many people view things as in a perfect world…while in their next discussion will talk about how messed up the world is. Well if the world is such a mess then we can’t always apply “perfect world” actions to our lives. It doesn’t work that way

For the record - just because a couple stays married that does not mean they have a ticket to heaven - married people can go to hell just as easy as a divorced person. Just because a couple stays married that does not mean that the children are better off. Too often in this screwed up world kids are better off when the parents are divorced. (I know I am horrible for saying this - but its true) The problem is that we can’t look at the outcome of our lives prior to our decisions.

My problem is with the “sex talk”. I wanted to find a good way to talk about it with my kids - I would love to have a Catholic perspective. But when I bought books to try to learn how to do this in the Catholic way - the book just talks about parents being an example to the children. Respect and sexuality go hand in hand and if the children see that between the parents that goes a long way. Well as much as I believe that - it does not apply to my life in the least. If I would have stayed married it still would not have applied to my life

Terry
Click to expand...
Terry,

Unfortunately my situation is the same, if I had stayed married there still would not have been a good example for my children.

Have you looked into Sex Respect, Dr. Colleen Kelly Mast’s program? I haven’t yet, but have been considering it. Her parents are divorced so I wondered if she has that perspective in her program.
 
Robaynne said:
Been a single parent is not a walk in the park you have to be the mother, father and everything else. My kids are 6 and 9 and it has been an adjustment for the kids. The girl who is 6 is much stronger than the boy is. He is very soft and with a result other boys take advantage and bully him. And that is where I get so angry and upset and feel that my ex left me alone to deal with this. While he is enjoying life to the fullest not having to worry about anything.

Sometimes I feel that I have to fight for everything that I have. Making sure that the kids homework is done after a long day at work. But the time you look it is way after 9pm and you wonder where the time went to. And then you need to get the kids things ready for the next day. Sometimes you wonder to yourself how did our parents manage. Unfortunately for me my father left my mother with 5 kids and she made it. She was so strong in her faith and never ever bad mouthed my father to us. That is just the person that she was. My ex and I both come from singel parent families and that is not what we wanted for our kids. His father died when he was very young and mine left. And guess what my ex did exactly what my father did he left for another women. And I said to him one day that your children are living your childhood. Watching their mother struggle to do everything remember how it hurt for you to see your mother suffer you have just done it to your kids.

But all we can do is have faith in God and just hang in there. I was also angry with God for a very long time and I am happy that I found him again. I know that your son is going through a tough time right now. But with time things do get better. Tell him to keep praying for his father. With my kids I love to watch TBN and they watch it with me listening to the different religious speakers my favourites is TD Jakes, Joyce Meyer, Kenneth Copeland, Paul White. These people can really preach and it is good to listen to their preachings sometimes they talk about valid issues. Joyce Meyer reads good books and she really preaches. She has really helped me alot.

God has a plan for us not sure what it is but he has a plan and it is in his time not ours. We spend to much stressing about the little things. Life is to short to spend time worrying about the negativity. But with God in our lives we can do all things through Christ who stengthens me. And we need to just keep praying and staying in our faith.
Click to expand...
Robaynne,

It sounds like you have pulled yourself together really well. Do your kids have visitation with their father? If they do, do you feel an extra need to rebond with them when they get home? Some of my kids have visitation and some don’t. The ones that do have such a different life. They enjoy their time at their father’s, it is a Disneyland type of situation and it’s a good time along with seeing him.

Your last paragraph is so true and I need to remind myself of that.
 
BlestOne said:
My ex walked after letting us know that he rejected his Catholic upbringing and informed us that he was now a high priest in the local pagan worshipping society! Kids wanted him back, yet didn’t at the same time. There were 2 things that I felt I did right.
  1. Put them in family counselling with Catholic Charities to deal with the anger issues they were having.
  2. Prayed with them every night for their dad. I told them dad was sick, because no dad ever wants to reject God and their family. (ex apparently was diagnosed with mental problems).
A few other things that really helped:
3. Started new traditions especially dealing with religious holidays like Advent, Christmas, Lent and Easter. Things like lighting a homemade advent wreath and reading the daily readings together and having kids help plan meals for Operation Rice Bowl and meatless Fridays.
4. Made friends with families with very strong Catholic fathers. Asked the fathers to assist me when needed by talking to sons and doing guy things with them that they would never do with mom.

My kids are now almost 20, 17, and 15. Two years ago as I prepared to get married, I realized I got them through the toughest years and we were pretty close. We still are close. My oldest often comes home just to hang out with me. I asked him the other day if he would want to ever see his father again, he said no…but it wasn’t an angry answer, it was just that he didn’t have anything in common with his father at all.
Click to expand...
BlestOne,

Thank you for the example. What a shock to have your dh become a pagan high priest… It sounds like you did well. Did you purposely wait to remarry until your kids were grown or did it just work out that way? I wouldn’t have time to date, certainly wouldn’t take time away from my kids to spend time getting to know someone, and since they’ve already had to adjust to their father’s remarriage, it seems best for them to have stability with me right now.

I will keep your list of advice. God bless you for making it through their childhood years so well.
 
gmarie21 said:
Being a single never been married parent feels pretty bad too. I tend to think that fellow Catholics are more forgiving of divorced single parents than us never been married single parents. The thing that gets me the most is when other parishoners suggest I be a part of a certain activity that my 2 year old daughter couldn’t be with me (cantoring, for example) and when I say “I’m a single mom and like to have my daughter with me at mass, plus my mom does so much for me already, I don’t want to ask her to watch my daughter on her time off” they persist in saying that I should really consider joining which makes me wonder if they even listened to what I told them about my situation.

There seem to be many Catholic books about divorce and the after effects of divorce, but for those of us who have never been married, there really aren’t any Catholic sources to help us in our parenting. I can’t even begin to explain how my marital status (or lack thereof) has contributed to so much unnecessary guilt (not breast feeding after a month b/c I had to start working again two weeks after giving birth, not being able to take the two weeks off when my daughter was sick with breathing issues - I was only able to take off the two days she was in the hospital and had to get relatives to take off work to help watch her until she was healthy enough to come back to the daycare I work at with me, giving in when I’m beyond exhaustion, having her watch a movie or two when I have no energy from having worked with toddlers all day). The ways I have felt like a failure of a parent, let alone knowing every day that I didn’t love my daughter enough to have waited and not have had her born into the situation she was born in.

The only advice I can give, find a spiritual director or good confessor and discuss your sorrows and concerns, that will be a good release. Also, once you let go of the major guilt you may begin to see that most are not judging you or your situation. When I actually told other parishoners that I am a never been married single mother, the kindest, daily mass attendees, Eucharistic adorers, would be nothing but kind and share the fact that they have children/siblings/friends who are in the same situation and are happy to see that I am an active Catholic. They wish their loved ones would be the same way and usually end up telling their loved ones about me and my situation so that maybe their loved ones will feel welcomed at our parish knowing that there is at least another single parent who is actually young with a young child. Don’t be afraid to let others know. YOu’ll never know who’ll come out of the woodworks who may be in the same situation or at one time were in the same situation.
Click to expand...
gmarie,

I am sorry that you feel judged by people. I suppose some people must look down on me but both unmarried parents and divorced parents are so common that there are getting to be fewer and fewer people who could look down on me! I have the same problem with getting involved at our parish. I tried joining the pro-life group but don’t want to be away from home at meetings on a non-visitation night, so now I just send the couple who runs the group an occasional e-mail when I come across something that might be helpful. No one would ever ask me to cantor, so I’m safe there! 🙂 I’m more the “God gave me this voice now He has to listen to it” singer at Mass!

Aren’t the daily Mass people just wonderful? I remember my mom calling people “my friends from Mass” and now I have the same, those precious people who I see often at church and then enjoy running into elsewhere. Thank God for the communion of saints right here on earth!
 
jules11;1915177But God used my pain and He saw my heartbreak that I couldn’t provide what my children deserved and has helped me more than I could imagine. He knows how inadequate we are. said:
Dear Jules,

This was much more than a rant, I need to be reminded to continually depend on God for what I can’t provide, as well as to make up for my mistakes. I think some priests will catch on and will offer a sermon or some ministry for single parents. It is certainly very much needed. I have a book I bought years ago called “Only Heroic Catholic Families Will Survive”, and families like ours need to survive, too. Conferences on the family should address the needs of single parent families, too. I think some of you who have been kind enough to respond to me could give a pretty good talk at one of those conferences!

Thanks for your support, Jules!
Click to expand...
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top