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momof8
Guest
Thanks puzzleannie and mary’s kid, I will check that out!
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BlestOne
Guest
I swore I would never remarry… But God had other plans for me. Again, his plans are so much better than my own. I didn’t date for a very long time. I got to know who I was after being lost to myself for so long. Actually, God’s timing was perfect. Within a month of starting to date my dh, my oldest went into puberty…and began to hit me which is so not like him… DH found out, took him outside for a talk (it is the only time I have ever heard the man cuss) and straightened his rear right out. Same son today is my closest buddy. Funny how life works out!!!
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Gertabelle
Guest
I only have one son, and I work full time while also working on a doctorate. Somehow I still managed to buy a great house last December (we moved in the day before the great blizzard!). God is my accountant, so here we are.
Anyway, back to the original post, I hear your frustration. I’m in a new parish and they have ministries for young adults, single adults, seniors, moms, and so on. The single adults have many, many activities, all of which would require me to get a babysitter and lose even more time with my son. The mom’s group meets a weekday morning when I’m at work.
What I’ve noticed is that most of the divorced families I’ve seen have older children, not toddlers. My son is three. It’s much harder to find other single moms of young children.
It seems what would be useful is a book about how to raise happy, faithful children as a single parent. So, who’s going to take this one on? I’ll be happy to pre-order a copy.
Gertie
Anyway, back to the original post, I hear your frustration. I’m in a new parish and they have ministries for young adults, single adults, seniors, moms, and so on. The single adults have many, many activities, all of which would require me to get a babysitter and lose even more time with my son. The mom’s group meets a weekday morning when I’m at work.
What I’ve noticed is that most of the divorced families I’ve seen have older children, not toddlers. My son is three. It’s much harder to find other single moms of young children.
It seems what would be useful is a book about how to raise happy, faithful children as a single parent. So, who’s going to take this one on? I’ll be happy to pre-order a copy.
Gertie
G
Gertabelle
Guest
Oh, and I was at a weekday mass recently and so was an aquaintance of mine from college whom I hadn’t seen in over a decade. She is one of the most faithful Catholics I have ever known, and her love of God is present in her every action. Unlike me, she did what God asks of her children and is now a stay at home mom of a son about my son’s age. When she heard my story, she embraced me, handed me a Rosary, and told me she would pray for me as well.
My point is that our support can come from whatever source God chooses. I now have an amazing support and role model - right in my own parish!
Now, who’s going to write that book?
Gertie
My point is that our support can come from whatever source God chooses. I now have an amazing support and role model - right in my own parish!
Now, who’s going to write that book?
Gertie
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lifeisbeautiful
Guest
I was recently reading a book on raising children to have good Catholic values, and it mentioned how the example parents give their children is so valuable. It mentioned how in a single-parent home sometimes the children are much more likely to see suffering, self-sacrifice, trust in God, etc and the example of their hardworking parent lovingly sacrificing so much for them is a great example to help them be a better person.
My mother was a single parent too, though a widow. She is a great example to me and all of my siblings. I never thought of us as less of a family for lacking a father for most of our life. The Catholic Church just wants us to do our best in whatever situation we are. We love our children but God loves them more. We just need to do everything we can to help make them loving daughter’s and son’s of God, help them build good character and acquire virtues that will help them when they become adults and are on their own. Teach them our Faith and help them be good. Your children will notice what you are doing, the efforts you put forth, the example you give.
God bless you and your family!
My mother was a single parent too, though a widow. She is a great example to me and all of my siblings. I never thought of us as less of a family for lacking a father for most of our life. The Catholic Church just wants us to do our best in whatever situation we are. We love our children but God loves them more. We just need to do everything we can to help make them loving daughter’s and son’s of God, help them build good character and acquire virtues that will help them when they become adults and are on their own. Teach them our Faith and help them be good. Your children will notice what you are doing, the efforts you put forth, the example you give.
God bless you and your family!
R
Robaynne
Guest
Hi
When it suits him and is convenient for him to see the kids then he does. Either than that he does not bother to call them maybe once a month. It is not like he stays the other end of the world but close by. But his work and the teenager of course takes up all his time. He is selfish and spiteful the only person he thinks about is himself. Even when he does take the kids for the day instead of getting them things that they need he gets them toys.
Does not bother to ask me do the kids have lunch things, school socks or even enough stationery. He would rather get them toys or expensive clothes that they do not need. So to compensate for him not been around and to also be in their good books he rather spoil them with unnecessary things.
But us women have to always be the strong ones and pick up the pieces. He is very aware that financially I am struggling because I am paying for everything he thinks he is doing me a favour by giving me such a small amount every month to take care of his kids. Those kids are not only mine but his kids. If he can leave his wife and small kids after 12 years for a 19 years old and get a baby from her and send the baby to go and stay with her mother so faraway. That is one thing that I could never ever do is send my kids to stay with my mother in law or with anybody else I would miss them so much. Even though things are so hard sometimes I could never live without them. How does he sleep at night knowing that he as abondoned us for what a young inexperienced girl that cannot even look after her own baby. The child was about 5 months when she left him or even small that would destroy me. I would never ever, ever sacrifice my children for a man.
But I guess that is just how life is sometimes. And we need to make room in our lives for disappointment. I read this sometime ago and again this morning that made me realise something.
Whenever life acts we respond. If you win the lottery you might be happy. If you lose your job you may be angry. Whatever your reaction it will depend upon your attitude. Fortunately, we control our attitudes.
In determining how we face life it is our attitude that is the key. See whether or not you agree with the following statement.
“You are responsible for all of your experiences of life.”
This statement is absolutely true but it is somewhat of a trick. The trick is that it does not say “in life” but “of life.” You are not responsible for everything that happens to you, but you are responsible for how you react to what does happen to you. The formula is that, “Life acts. You react.” Your reaction is under your control. In any life situation you are always responsible for at least one thing. You are always responsible for the attitude towards the situation in which you find yourself. Your attitude is your reaction to what life hands you. You can have either a more positive or a more negative attitude. Your attitude is under your control and can be changed. With the right attitude you can be a resilient person
Continued
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Robaynne
Guest
You are responsible for your thinking. Change your thinking and life will get better. But, what thoughts do you change? Your troublesome thoughts about a situation can easily be found in your self-talk. Self-talk is that inner running dialogue you have with yourself. It is what you tell yourself about life’s situations.
All of us have a voice that talks to us. You might think of it as your conscience. It might be that “inner observer” who seems to sits in the corner and watches everything you do. You may recognize it as that voice that starts talking to you upon awakening in the morning. Sometimes it may wait until you look in the mirror before it actually speaks. It is that voice that says, “You sure are handsome.” or “What a wonderful person you are.” Or “You are going to have a great day.” It might say, “You are so slim and your hair looks beautiful.” If you don’t’ recognize this voice then yours may be speaking to you in a different tone. You might be hearing, “You look like **** today” or “You sure have gained a lot of weight.” “Your hair is a mess.” “It’s is a terrible day! Get back in bed.” This voice, the negative, critical one, is one of the main reasons we have so many problems. It can destroy resiliency by opening the flood gates and draining away your energy.
This voice can make anything worse. You may be like most people and know how to take any small problem, think about it for awhile, and have a bigger problem. That little voice keeps telling you what might go wrong. All of the dark possibilities are pointed out. The imagination creates a very bad situation. The problem goes from a mild annoyance to a major catastrophe as you convince yourself that the imagined situation is the real situation. You are now busy confronting a problem that only exists in your mind.
Any response, at this point, is going to be out of proportion to the original problem. The normal reaction to the original problem is most likely some degree of emotional distress. If you have been laid off from a job, you may be feeling some combination of tense, worried, anxious, sad, irritated, frustrated, or angry. All of these are normal emotions for the experience. However, that inner voice may be busy exaggerating, " This is horrible and terrible. It is the world’s worst thing. You will never find another job. You are a hopeless and helpless person. No one will ever hire you. You won’t be able to pay your bills. You will lose everything you have. You should just give up." With such a running dialogue you will soon fall into depression or become enraged at your imagined mistreatment. In a deep depression you may decide that the situation is hopeless and become suicidal. In a state of rage you may act in an inappropriate, violent manner towards your former employer. Either reaction is too intense because the response is to a situation you have created in your mind. Change your mind, your attitude, and the problem can shrink back to its original size. The original problem may be bad enough but it is not the catastrophe you have invented.
To change your attitude you must change the inner dialogue. To change the dialogue you must catch it in action. To do this you have to pay attention to yourself. You must engage in self-observation and listen for that inner voice.
The next time that you find yourself feeling “bad” don’t start asking, “Who did this to me?” Don’t start looking around for the external cause of your problems. What you should do is to ask yourself, “What have I been thinking?” “What have I been telling my self?” You may find that your inner dialogue has put you deep into emotional distress
All of us have a voice that talks to us. You might think of it as your conscience. It might be that “inner observer” who seems to sits in the corner and watches everything you do. You may recognize it as that voice that starts talking to you upon awakening in the morning. Sometimes it may wait until you look in the mirror before it actually speaks. It is that voice that says, “You sure are handsome.” or “What a wonderful person you are.” Or “You are going to have a great day.” It might say, “You are so slim and your hair looks beautiful.” If you don’t’ recognize this voice then yours may be speaking to you in a different tone. You might be hearing, “You look like **** today” or “You sure have gained a lot of weight.” “Your hair is a mess.” “It’s is a terrible day! Get back in bed.” This voice, the negative, critical one, is one of the main reasons we have so many problems. It can destroy resiliency by opening the flood gates and draining away your energy.
This voice can make anything worse. You may be like most people and know how to take any small problem, think about it for awhile, and have a bigger problem. That little voice keeps telling you what might go wrong. All of the dark possibilities are pointed out. The imagination creates a very bad situation. The problem goes from a mild annoyance to a major catastrophe as you convince yourself that the imagined situation is the real situation. You are now busy confronting a problem that only exists in your mind.
Any response, at this point, is going to be out of proportion to the original problem. The normal reaction to the original problem is most likely some degree of emotional distress. If you have been laid off from a job, you may be feeling some combination of tense, worried, anxious, sad, irritated, frustrated, or angry. All of these are normal emotions for the experience. However, that inner voice may be busy exaggerating, " This is horrible and terrible. It is the world’s worst thing. You will never find another job. You are a hopeless and helpless person. No one will ever hire you. You won’t be able to pay your bills. You will lose everything you have. You should just give up." With such a running dialogue you will soon fall into depression or become enraged at your imagined mistreatment. In a deep depression you may decide that the situation is hopeless and become suicidal. In a state of rage you may act in an inappropriate, violent manner towards your former employer. Either reaction is too intense because the response is to a situation you have created in your mind. Change your mind, your attitude, and the problem can shrink back to its original size. The original problem may be bad enough but it is not the catastrophe you have invented.
To change your attitude you must change the inner dialogue. To change the dialogue you must catch it in action. To do this you have to pay attention to yourself. You must engage in self-observation and listen for that inner voice.
The next time that you find yourself feeling “bad” don’t start asking, “Who did this to me?” Don’t start looking around for the external cause of your problems. What you should do is to ask yourself, “What have I been thinking?” “What have I been telling my self?” You may find that your inner dialogue has put you deep into emotional distress
M
momof8
Guest
Dear Life Is Beautiful and Robaynne,
Your messages are so tied together for me. One of the problems in our family is that rather than being someone my children can look up to, leaving them good impressions of someone who trusts in God, I have been reacting to my former spouse’s behavior. For the most part we avoid each other, but he is passive aggressive and if I ignore certain behavior, it just gets ratcheted up a notch until I can’t ignore it. Then I don’t deal with it well because I don’t know how to deal with it, and there I am, a poor example to my kids. Their father is “passive” until I stand up to him, then it’s pure “aggressive”, and it is not worth it, especially since he will emotionally take it out on the kids.
Robaynne, the sermon at Mass a couple of weeks ago was based on a column from the New York Times. The author wrote about his Christian friend and how impressed he is with this friend because this friend does not let other people choose his behavior for him - he decides how he will behave and doesn’t just react to how others treat him. Exactly what your message says! Who says God doesn’t talk to us, huh? How many times does He have to repeat himself before I hear him?!
I cut out a little bit of a Bible verse that was in a newsletter and put it on my fridge: “Do not be provoked by evildoers… Trust in the Lord.” Psalm 37 I have been trying to remind myself to trust in the Lord to deal with my former husband and there has been a gradual increase in peace for me.
Thank you for your messages.
Your messages are so tied together for me. One of the problems in our family is that rather than being someone my children can look up to, leaving them good impressions of someone who trusts in God, I have been reacting to my former spouse’s behavior. For the most part we avoid each other, but he is passive aggressive and if I ignore certain behavior, it just gets ratcheted up a notch until I can’t ignore it. Then I don’t deal with it well because I don’t know how to deal with it, and there I am, a poor example to my kids. Their father is “passive” until I stand up to him, then it’s pure “aggressive”, and it is not worth it, especially since he will emotionally take it out on the kids.
Robaynne, the sermon at Mass a couple of weeks ago was based on a column from the New York Times. The author wrote about his Christian friend and how impressed he is with this friend because this friend does not let other people choose his behavior for him - he decides how he will behave and doesn’t just react to how others treat him. Exactly what your message says! Who says God doesn’t talk to us, huh? How many times does He have to repeat himself before I hear him?!
I cut out a little bit of a Bible verse that was in a newsletter and put it on my fridge: “Do not be provoked by evildoers… Trust in the Lord.” Psalm 37 I have been trying to remind myself to trust in the Lord to deal with my former husband and there has been a gradual increase in peace for me.
Thank you for your messages.
M
momof8
Guest
Hi Gertie,
I’ll order a copy of that book, too! Or if there is a Catholic family conference with a speaker who addresses families like ours, I’d love to get a copy of the talk on CD. There must be something like that out there… If I find it I will post a message on the Forum!
God bless you and your son.
G
Gertabelle
Guest
It sounds like you are being an excellent example for your children. You are struggling and turning to God for help in your struggle. Seeing their mom have emotions of anger and fear and frustration – and NOT break things or people – is in itself an excellent example.
When I do “break” people with angry words (I even swore loudly at another driver on the road the other day while my son was in the car - it was icy and I was really nervous) I apologize in front of my son (or to my son) and ask forgiveness, and I often say a quick prayer asking for help for the person/people I hurt and for my own soul. In other words, since I’m human, I allow my son to see the process of healing the harm I create in the world.
There are some days when it seems like all I do is ask forgiveness all day. But my son now expresses that we love each other even when we don’t get along or when we’re angry. Now there’s a valuable lesson!
I’ll talk with the deacon who’s helping with my annulment paperwork - maybe he’ll know of some Catholic resources specifically for single parents. Perhaps we can cause a groundswell of interest.
Gertie
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