Single Woman Adoption Issue

[tabsie3210]

Right now I’m having a hard time meeting guys. I admit, I’m a bit of a recluse and I’m trying to get out more and get more involved in my neighborhood and in society in general, but I am not totally comfortable with being “out and about” yet. I finally have a very good job that has decent pay and am starting to get myself out of debt.

For the record, I have less than $5 thousand in credit card debt, one car note and about $30 thousand in student loans, and that’s it. When I get rid of the credit card debt, the other stuff will be a breeze to pay.

I’ve had this feeling for a while now that I should adopt a child. I’m thinking that I’m called to it because I want to, even if I get married. To me, having a baby and adopting a child are mutually exclusive decisions. I can have as many babies as I want to when I’m married, but that doesn’t have any impact at all on whether or not I should adopt.

The trouble is, I’m 31 right now and haven’t met anybody yet that I want to court or even to become close to. I know there’s no way that I’ll be able to adopt a baby before I’m 33, since I have to have my own place before I have a child. My father is ill and my mother is his caretaker. A baby in the house would be a problem for him, and we just don’t have the room for all of us, plus a baby. One of my best friends has agreed to rent a house with me when I’m financially solid, and pay half the bills so that I can have a house to raise my baby in.

So the rest of this year and next year are geared toward getting my feet firmly under me and getting my own place, and then I can worry about how to go about adopting.

Right now, I’m still single. Adopting won’t be a challenge for me while I’m single because I won’t have to worry about the old, “But why do you want to adopt when we can have our own?” arguemnt I’ve had to put up with in the past. Also, any guy I meet after I have my new minature human around will have to be willing to have her in his life from the get-go, and knowing that, it’ll be easier to find a guy who’s worthwhile and willing to be her father. Plus, if later on I feel called to adopt again, having done it once, then my husband would understand what I’ve got in mind and probably be more supportive, even if we have babies of our own.

But it’s going to take me some time before I can get settled in, and what if I meet a guy in the meantime? I might find my perfect partner and want to get married, but if he isn’t 100% behind adoption, this could be a problem.

The question is, should I postpone looking for a husband until after I have adopted?

As to why I want a husband - I want an adopted child. Children who are adopted into single parent homes don’t have the same issues that children of divorced parents have, but at the same time, a child does best growing up in a household with two stable parents. Since right now I’d prefer to adopt a little girl (but am not opposed to little boys!), I know that having a happy marriage is better for her than some people think - a father’s influence on a little girl is stronger than people realize.

So, opinions?

 

[1ke]

The question is, should I postpone looking for a husband until after I have adopted?

As to why I want a husband - I want an adopted child.

So, opinions?

I think you should postpone looking for a husband and considering adopting a child as long as your reasons are based on “I want…” rather than “I can give…”

You are entirely focused on YOU.

 

[Island_Oak]

Honestly…it sounds like you have plenty to work on with just yourself in the picture. You are seriously in debt, have no home of your own and are still interested in finding a spouse…issues which will NOT be made any easier to remedy with the added responsibilities of a child to care for.

You are still quite young. I would focus on getting my financial house in order first. Children are expensive and often come with unexpected costs like medical and dental care, special education needs, etc. It would also be daunting for any man you might meet to consider taking on the responsibilities of a woman in debt and with a child to raise.

Keep things simple until you achieve some stability. If you still feel called to adopt, reconsider at that time. Until then, focusing on getting yourself stable will put you in a better position to offer a stable home to any child you might consider adopting.

 

[JustAnotherThou]

WOW… I have to agree with 1Ke

I just see a LOT of red flags in your post.

First I will tell you that I was a single parent for years and it is NOT easy, even if you are debt free. There are a lot of things that you will miss out on and a lot of things your child will miss out on. You will also be faced with dating and when to date, who to date. Not only would you be looking for someone to marry, although you will be looking for someone to be the father of your already born child. You will have to consider not only your relationship with potential guy, also your child’s relationship with him. When my son reached his pre-teens, I had to make a VERY difficult decision not to consider getting married until he was 18. (pre-teen only sons to single mothers who are dating is a whole different topic)

One of my best friends has agreed to rent a house with me when I’m financially solid, and pay half the bills so that I can have a house to raise my baby in.

BEST way to lose a best friend (trust me I know, my best friend since 3rd grade moved in with me for a few months, we have not talked since, no huge blow up or anything )

Adopting won’t be a challenge for me while I’m single because I won’t have to worry about the old, “But why do you want to adopt when we can have our own?”

You might be surprised that many single mothers that are looking at placing their child for adoption do NOT want to place their child with a single mother. There are other things that they consider. Most adoptions now days the birth mother gets to choose whom they want to adopt their child, not the other way around. Do you KNOW that you can have your own??? No offense, but you may be suffering from infertility and just don’t know if your future husband may suffer from infertility. No matter what the situation, you will be surprised at the comments people make to those looking to adopt, some good and/well intended, some just down right ignorant.

I’m 31 right now

You are 31, you should be more focused on directing your social life to determine if your vocation is marriage or not.

Children who are adopted into single parent homes don’t have the same issues that children of divorced parents have

As a once single parent I want to scream WHAT???
Even as a product of divorce I am scratching my head.
Seriously, being a single parent is not glamorous or easy. I don’t think anyone can say that every child of divorce or single parents have issues. It depends a lot more on that. Although, I would argue that every divorced or single parent has to work a bit harder than their married counterparts to give their children the foundation they need to grow up to be healthy happy adults.

I want a husband - I want an adopted child.

I agree with 1Ke

I am not against single people adopting children. A couple months ago, I think another lady had a post similar to yours (although different). From what I read from her post I think she really got it and wasn’t just adopting to have a child.

I’m sorry if my post seems hard on you.

 

[Sierrah]

We are in similar situtations but in my case I’m 10 years older and pretty much given up on the Mr. Right idea. I’ve known that I’ve want to adopt since I was about 5 years old. So in my case I feel it’s a serious calling. If a husband is included great if not sorry guys but there’s plenty of kids out there that need a home so I don’t feel the need to have a kid the old fashioned way. If Mr. Right did show up he wouldn’t be for me unless he was open to adoption anyway so I’m not worried about the kid factor interfearing.

 

[JustAnotherThou]

Sierrah - your earlier post on this topic was the one I was referring to. I just felt that from your post it was not about what you wanted, although what you felt you could give

 

[Sierrah]

No it isn’t about what I want that’s why I’m waiting till I’m more financial better off.

 

[kentuckyliz]

If you have to rely on a housemate to be able to financially pull off providing a home for a child, adoption agencies are likely not to approve you.

Keep on working on your finances and/or courtship. Not only becoming debt free but piling up some cash because adoption costs money.

Have you tried Ave Maria Singles? If you’re looking for a faithful Catholic, that’s the prime place to look.

I wouldn’t recommend voluntarily becoming a single parent…my bffs did that and it’s a life of hardship.

Have you tried fostering or being a weekend relief for foster parents? That might be a good thing to check out. I have some friends doing that because it might be their best hope to adopt children as a gay couple.

Good luck to you!

 

[tabsie3210]

Okay, preliminaries are out of the way, so now I can clarify so that things make a little more sense.

**"1ke Quote:
Originally Posted by tabsie3210

The question is, should I postpone looking for a husband until after I have adopted?

As to why I want a husband - I want an adopted child.

So, opinions?

I think you should postpone looking for a husband and considering adopting a child as long as your reasons are based on “I want…” rather than “I can give…”

You are entirely focused on YOU"**

Thank you. I’m glad you gave your opinion. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that I’d rather have a million people bounce their thoughts off of me so that I can make a more thoughtful statement and come to a more serious understanding, than to try to make up my mind alone

LOL I’m scared to death of the very prospect, to be honest with you. Here’s what happened: A while back, this group called “Justice For All” showed up on my campus and was talking about why they were anti-abortion. They put up this great giant display to discourage abortion, and one of the display panels talked about adoption versus abortion. The overwhelming response was negative because I went to school at a very liberal campus, and the biggest and loudest protestors were all male. That got me thinking about what I, as a woman, needed to do to change people’s minds. That was the first part.

The second is that one of my best friends is going to hell with his mother over his children - the mom is trying to take his two sons away from him. Add to that the fact that between the oldest and youngest boys, he and his wife had an abortion, I saw that they were a family that wasn’t at all interested in what was best for their sons, and I realized that if the judge was at all fair, she would have to place the kids away from both the parents and the grandparets. There’s a lot more that I don’t think I should go into here, but I’ve observed them as parents for years now, since before their oldest son (who’s almost 10) was born, and lately the only thing I could think of was, “I wish I had my own house so I could take their sons because the boys need thier parents, but they also need a loving person to guide them.” Well, I can’t take their boys, naturally, but I longed to be able to do good for their kids.

Third, one of my co-workers at my old job is unable to have babies of her own, so she and her husband are trying to adopt. They opted to foster-to-adopt, and went through pure hell with it because they got three little boys that they wanted to keep with them forever and be good parents to, and then the birth parents went through rehab and got the boys back. They were devestated, and I was heart-broken for them and for their kids, who were doing so well under their care.

Fourth, I started reading up on euthanasia, infantacide, and female abortion over in China and India and was horrified to learn that in many countries, girls are aborted or euthanized because the families want to have sons, and that in countries where female abortion is high, so is the female slave trade.

And I come right out and admit - I’m a total coward. I won’t do anything, if I can avoid it, unless I’m pushed into it or unless I dive head-first into it. But I also know that, as a good, upstanding middle-class Catholic, I owe it to God to do what He wants me to, and I’ve been trying to grit my teeth and bear the fact that I’m supposed to adopt a baby at some point.

Like, okay, driving. From birth to age 29 I did not know how to drive, nor was I interested in learning, because I’m afraid to drive and because I never wanted to burden anyone else. In March of 2007, a month before I turned 30, an aunt of mine who I had not had contact with since I was 22 showed up on our doorstep and told me she would be willing to give me free driving lessons. Since she insisted, I went along with it, even though I was scared to death, and on Nov. 2, 2007, I got my very first driver’s license, and the next day accidentally stumbled on a car that was being sold at a discount, so I got a car the very next day.

My family lives by the lines, “Everything will happen in God’s time.” The trouble is, I usually wait until “God’s time,” not taking any active role in my own life until I’m forced to by outside circumstances. And really, I’m thinking that’s disappointing.

((more))

 

[tabsie3210]

I’m terrified of being a horrible parent, of not knowing what I’m doing, and would rather live alone and die alone than screw things up. And my father would have a fit if he knew I was even considering moving out of our house and trying to do things on my own. I’m the youngest of his three daughters and he expects me to stay home, and would rather I didn’t marry, either, though he wouldn’t have a problem as long as we “lived in the area.”

I admit it, I let the fears and phobias of others contaminate me, too. Given a choice, I’d never adopt, or have kids of my own, or get married.

But not because it’s my vocation to live alone - because I’d rather not have to deal with life face-to-face Every time I pull back and stop doing what I need to do, though, something overwhelming happens. I got complacent in my religion - I had a nervous breakdown. I refused to drive - I got bullied into it by a stubborn aunt. I didn’t want a car - the perfect car for me showed up and was going to be gone before the end of the week if I didn’t get it now, and I couldn’t afford anything else.

“I want to adopt a baby.”

No, actually, I don’t want to adopt a baby. What am I going to do with a kid?! I don’t know anything about small people, except that they’re loud and smelly and they cry all the time, and I’m afraid that I’m going to stink as a parent.

But I don’t have the right to say no. I have a social responsibility, as one of God’s stewards on this Earth, to not be selfish and to reach out and give to those who need me. And if I refuse to do so, then that means I’m being a coward, and something will come up where I’ll be forced to either act or live with myself in the morning. I can’t do that.

If I hadn’t gotten a car when I did, I never would have gotten this wonderful job that I have, and what would have happened if Daddy got sick again and had to go to the hospital while Mom was at work? Who would be able to do emergency errands or drive to the hospital, who would be able to take care of things? Not me, and that’s the problem. I rely too much on others. I’m old enough that I should not only be taking better care of myself, I should be giving back.

You’ll notice that I’m not talking about doing this right away - the earlierst I’ll be able to think about adoption is a few years away. And before even trying for it, there are all the parenting classes that I have to take, and the tests to check my personality, all the issues to be delt with talking to guidance counselors, which will all cost me hard-earned money. There’s stocking up to buy things that I may not be able to re-use if I don’t get married or adopt another kid. There’s trying to figure out how to deal with a baby growing up and becoming a teenager. And what if I decide to adopt an older child? How do I handle the fact that maybe he or she will hate me for trying to “replace” his or her mother? Am I going to be able to let my love heal whatever hurts he or she might have? Am I strong enough?

And then there’s the fact that I like my solitude. Kiss that goodbye if I adopt a baby. What’s more, a child needs a stable family life, which means that I owe it to any child I have to give him or her a loving home, complete with a husband in it who will be a good and strong father. Can I give up enough of my selfishness to let another person in and to allow a man into my home? Can I put up with the loss of space and free time that having a husband will entail, not just a child?

I can say, “I don’t want to do it, and I never will,” and God won’t let me get away with it. I’m very young yet. I’m only 31. I can scream that to the heavens, that I’m still too young to decide what I want, that I want to experience things on my own, that I won’t even be 39 if I go through with this plan, and it won’t change the fact that there is a child out there who needs a mother.

So, I’m happier trying to just accept that this is one of my callings. What I’ll do is say, “Okay. I won’t be perfect, but what the hey? It’s something I need to do.” I’ll smile and say, “I want a baby,” because I refuse to be resentful. I refuse to be mean to someone who needs me. And I refuse to say, “No,” anymore.

I’m not going to hare off like some idiot child and rush into things. I’m going to work them out slowly. You’ll note that it’s only September. I’m giving myself more than a year to get myself organized before I even try to look into adoption. After organization is study, after study is contemplation, and after contemplation is action if, after all else, I have come to the conclusion that God wants me to do exactly this.

…I tend to forget that this is a Catholic website (duh!!!) and try not to sound preachy when I say, “Everything in God’s Time,” so that’s why I didn’t mention it before. :blushing:

Well, my question was supposed to have been, “Should I postpone looking seriously for someone to marry while I get my life in order and try to get myself settled in mentally, financially and emotionally to having an adopted baby, or should I get settled into a solid family life before I go through the steps to adopting?” But, honestly, I think I answered my own question - everything in God’s Time. So, eh, it’ll work out when He wants it to and not a minute later. Which means I’ll still work on getting my life together, and if a guy shows up, it’ll be meant to be.

1ke -

Thanks so much for your brief but very poignent post. I feel better having gotten all that out and organized.

Right now I have a bad head cold and am woozie from the NyQuil, so probably I rambled, and that’s why my post wasn’t very good when I did the first one, but you helped me to clarify everything. I want you to know you’re a big help. Thanks.

 

[tabsie3210]

1ke -

Thanks for your response! It’s hard to respond to something as disorganized as all that. Blah. Hmm. Lemme see if I can do a quick list and clarify a little better…

1. I want to have children some day.
2. There are hundreds of kids out there who need parents. They’re not getting those parents, though.
3. Infantacide and abortion are high in some nations because girls are unwanted, and that’s horrifying.
4. Crisis pregnancies end in abortion sometimes, and that’s a tragedy.
5. I’m a spoiled brat who’s 31, lives at home with her parents, and doesn’t want to take repsonsibility. I’m lazy, but worse, I’m a coward.
6. Every time I decide, “I don’t want to do something,” because of cowardice, I’m forced to. In September of 2006, my father got cancer at the same time that my mother’s hours at her job changed, and all of a sudden my aunt showed up in the beginning of 2007 and told me she’d teach me to drive, for the first time, for free. I wasn’t quite 30 yet. Because she wouldn’t take “no” for an answer, I now have a driver’s license and a car and have had both for about a year. The net result - I can do things for my parents I couldn’t before, when I had to rely on them, and now they can rely on me.
7. I don’t want to have a baby right now, but eventually I want one.
8. I also want cats in my house. Having had cats for a long time, I know that they can be smelly, stubborn, they eat a lot, they can keep you up all night long, and they can attack you for no good reason, leaving you with claw marks that people raise their eyes at when you go to work. Owning a pet isn’t something you do for fun - it’s also work.
9. Likewise, babies don’t stay babies, they become teenagers, they get moody, they argue and think they know everything, they’re rude and obnoxious, and they scream, “I hate you!” a lot, or at least they do if they’re anything like what I and my friends were like as teens and pre-teens. There is no glamor in having a child. It’s not a toy, it’s not a cat, it’s a hard responsibility that will cost tons of money, time, patience, and will make you want to break a wall from time to time.
10. The fact that I want a baby is, in my estimation, a sign that I’m either insane (all my single friends say so) or that some part of me recognizes that I have a responsibility to take good care of another human being, one who is helpless.
11. Therefore, despite everything that scares me and has me pulling my hair out even though I don’t even have one yet, I want to adopt a baby.
12. I don’t intend to even START looking to adopt until after I’m completely financially settled, have my own place, have taken the billions of parenting classes I will need, have started seeing a trained family psychologist, started working with kids in a supervised setting, and made sure that I am the best parent that I can be. Which means I have to work, work, work before I’m going to look to adopt.

So, I should be about 35 by the time I’m ready to adopt.

I wanted to clear that up, else it sounds like I’m some kind of teeny-bopper who’s all, “I wanna have a baby!” and excited about the happy baby parts instead of thinking of the hard, boring, tiring, and rotten parts as well and willing to accept them. The wanting to get married is simply, “I don’t want to be single, and I don’t want to be a nun.” A man is NOT going to solve any problems, fulfill my dreams, make my life worth living, or any other stupid stuff like that. But having a good, happy partnership is a wonderful thing and I look forward to it.

Since I feel called to adopt, no matter what my situation is (even if I get married I feel I’m being called to give love to a child who might otherwise be unwanted), I wondered if I should even try expanding my social circles, because I’m worried that I wont’ be able to find a strong partner who’s also willing to adopt. But, having had the chance to type all this out in response to your thoughts, I’ve decied, everything happens in God’s time, so I’m going to let things fall as the dominos will.

Thanks. Without your post I never would have organized that better and really understood what it was I was trying to say. I use these boards as a sounding board when I know there’s something on my mind and I can’t properly articulate it. 1ke, you’ve been a big help, bigger than I can express. Bless you.

 

[tabsie3210]

JustAnotherThou -

Thanks for your response! Let’s see if I can’t clear up some of what I was saying so it doesn’t sound as idiotic as it did:

**WOW… I have to agree with 1Ke

I just see a LOT of red flags in your post.
**

Good. I rely on others to help guide me through what I’m saying. Thank you.

First I will tell you that I was a single parent for years and it is NOT easy, even if you are debt free. There are a lot of things that you will miss out on and a lot of things your child will miss out on. You will also be faced with dating and when to date, who to date. Not only would you be looking for someone to marry, although you will be looking for someone to be the father of your already born child. You will have to consider not only your relationship with potential guy, also your child’s relationship with him. When my son reached his pre-teens, I had to make a VERY difficult decision not to consider getting married until he was 18. (pre-teen only sons to single mothers who are dating is a whole different topic)

Right, thanks for pointing that out. It is hard. I’m not much of a dater as it is, and trying to do so with a baby, particularly if I wanted to adopt a child of a different race, would probably be hair-pulling at best. It’s something I’ve considered. On the other hand, I want to have a great home for any child I bring in. On the third hand, I’ve also thought about adopting an older child, and that might drive guys off. Imagine adopting a child of a different race who’s already seven or eight. Some guys do freak about such things. So, it’s going to be an issue at all times, whether I’ve adopted yet or not. Thanks for the feedback on that.

**One of my best friends has agreed to rent a house with me when I’m financially solid, and pay half the bills so that I can have a house to raise my baby in.

BEST way to lose a best friend (trust me I know, my best friend since 3rd grade moved in with me for a few months, we have not talked since, no huge blow up or anything )
**

Eh, she and I have lived together before, and I’m not looking to rely on her financially so much as to have a place with a yard takes more effort, and she’s currently living in an apartment in a complex I don’t like. Since she refuses to have guys over and refuses to smoke, do drugs, etc., she’d be a nice roommate, and basically she’d have one portion of the house as her apartment, me the other portion as my own, but eh, that’s not even set in stone. That was more me thinking out loud, so to speak. It’s not a necessity, just that the kid would have more than one adult around the house, in case of emergencies.

**Adopting won’t be a challenge for me while I’m single because I won’t have to worry about the old, “But why do you want to adopt when we can have our own?”

You might be surprised that many single mothers that are looking at placing their child for adoption do NOT want to place their child with a single mother. There are other things that they consider. Most adoptions now days the birth mother gets to choose whom they want to adopt their child, not the other way around. Do you KNOW that you can have your own??? No offense, but you may be suffering from infertility and just don’t know if your future husband may suffer from infertility. No matter what the situation, you will be surprised at the comments people make to those looking to adopt, some good and/well intended, some just down right ignorant.
**

…I’m an idiot! I’m confused! Please don’t beat me, I honestly have read through that response a few times and I can’t understand what you meant! Mea culpa!

I feel stupid. Please correct me if I’m wrong here - are you saying that 1) I might not be able to adopt a child now because I’m single, and 2) if I get married I don’t know that I can have any of my own?

I should have made that clearer! Um, what i mean is I had a boyfriend who was serious about me, and I told him, “You know that if we get married I want to adopt a baby.” He was really good and suppportive of it for a while, but then he asked me, “How come you want to adopt if we can have kids of our own?”

I was trying to explain to him that me having a baby had nothing to do with me adopting. One I am called to do as a loving wife in a loving family, and the other I’m called to do as a responsible adult who has much to give to young people who won’t get what I have without my help.

**Children who are adopted into single parent homes don’t have the same issues that children of divorced parents have

As a once single parent I want to scream WHAT???
Even as a product of divorce I am scratching my head.
Seriously, being a single parent is not glamorous or easy. I don’t think anyone can say that every child of divorce or single parents have issues. It depends a lot more on that. Although, I would argue that every divorced or single parent has to work a bit harder than their married counterparts to give their children the foundation they need to grow up to be healthy happy adults.
**

Hmm. Well, I was commenting about this article: lifesitenews.com/ldn/2004/feb/04021005.html

***Study Finds Death of Parent Less Harmful Than Divorce
DUBLIN, Ireland, February 10, 2004 (LifeSiteNews.com) - A new study from University College Dublin has revealed that the effects of divorce are even more damaging than the death of a parent.

The new research reveals that children of divorced or separated parents are more likely to develop depression, do worse in school, and have poor social skills compared to other children. The study also revealed that the sense of loss experienced as a result of divorce is greater than that experienced when a parent dies.

In an interview with the Irish Examiner, the writer of the research paper, Professor Patricia Casey, said that “Children are damaged by separation and divorce.” Professor Casey told the Examiner that she seeks to correct misinformation such as the claim that separation is better than couples remaining in a ‘bad’ marriage. In fact “The research shows that is not the case,” she said.***

There’s more, but what I’d meant by that was this: If the research is correct, then a child who is adopted by a single woman won’t suffer from the same kind of negative conditions that a child who is raised by a single mother after divorce suffers. Some people might interpret that to mean that if I want to adopt a baby, I don’t have to feel obligated to find a husband/partner/father because my marital status won’t affect the child’s mentality. However, what the study shows doesn’t mean that a kid wouldn’t do better in a household with two parents. Meaning that I should make myself mature enough to be a good partner and find a good husband to give any child I adopt the maximum benefits.

That’s all. No slur against anyone, just was commenting to the scientific study, not to a particular person or situation.

Again, thanks for the post. It’s helped me to straighten out a lot of my thinking since this morning.

 

[tabsie3210]

Grr. I ought to just plain give up trying to write when I’ve taken NyQuil. The night time sinffling sneezing coughing aching stuffy head fever what did I say my first name was again? medicine.

I noted in the post responding to 1ke that I wanted cats - what I meant was this:

I’m the kind of person who wants to have cats around. I don’t do it because they’re objects. They’re four-legged children in my household. That means keeping their food bowls filled and their water fresh every day, cleaning out the cat boxes, and making sure they get the love and attention they need. And that’s just a cat! If you have to put that much effort into what is essentially an “effortless” animal, what kind of work do you have to do for a baby?! Tons more, that’s what. Even so, I know I’m an animal steward - I want to have cats, and there’s no sin in that because I don’t want it for them to be my objects. I want it because I’m meant to want it.

People see, “I want to have a baby,” as a sin because the thought is, “You’re focusing on yourself. You’re being selfish - you want a baby for your own reasons.”

Well, I’m an artist. I want to draw a picture. And I’m a writer. I want to write stories. What’s wrong with that? I’m meant to want these things because God gifted me with them. Some people don’t want children. Is God hateful to them? No, He’s not. They have different gifts. We’re supposed to give children loving families. If you don’t want a child for the sake of having a child around, then what’s the point of having a baby at all?

I just don’t think it’s sinful to want to have a child, if you know that you’re going to have to be eternally responsible for that kid. Not only for its physical well-being, but it’s mental care and its spiritual upbringing.

Objectifying a child is a sin. Wanting one isn’t. I have a God-given desire to put aside my selfishness and my self-centerdness, spend long hours holding a sick infant, spend money on diapers instead of movie tickets, and put up with a kid telling me how stupid I am to my face, because that kid will always need my love.

I just happen to know that I want to have one that’s adopted, in addition to any I may give birth to myself when I find a husband willing to settle down.

That was the reason for the “cat” comment. You can enjoy having someone around and that not be a crime.

 

[rpp]

Personally, I think that single people should be the adoptive parents of last resort. I firmly believe that children need a mother and a father.

In addition, each parent needs a break, now and then, from the kids just to decompress. No spouse, no break. Ask any single mother and she will tell you it is not easy.

Additionally, if you already have children, it will certainly make finding a guy more complicated. That is because in addition to the love you may share with him, your child and the guy will also have to learn to love and respect each other. That can be complicated.

Be patient, pray and wait for the Lord’s guidance.

 

[tabsie3210]

Rpp -

I agree that a child should have a mother and a father. However, I don’t know that I agree that a single adoptive parent should be a last resort. There are kids out there who need the protection of an adult who may not be able to wait for a pair to adopt them. Adults have an obligation to protect children. Saying, “Well, I’m single, so I can’t fulfill that obligation,” is a way of avoiding the issue. Or at least it is in my case.

Thank you for your post.

 

[Salonika]

Island Oak:

Honestly…it sounds like you have plenty to work on with just yourself in the picture. You are seriously in debt, have no home of your own and are still interested in finding a spouse…issues which will NOT be made any easier to remedy with the added responsibilities of a child to care for.

Agree with Island Oak’s comment.

 

[Salonika]

Hi tabsie3210

Went back and reread your post and decided to make a few comments. Hope you find them useful.

tabsie3210:

I admit, I’m a bit of a recluse and I’m trying to get out more and get more involved in my neighborhood and in society in general, but I am not totally comfortable with being “out and about” yet.

Good on you for doing this - it isn’t easy for those of us who aren’t outgoing but having a parent who can function well out in the world is very important for children. Sometimes think that some shy children aren’t that way naturally but been taught by adults including one or both of their parents.

You don’t mention whether or not you have siblings, especially younger siblings. If not, how much experience with babies do you have. If you haven’t had much I’d suggest you get to know some parents of children so you are more aware of what babies and toddlers are like.

To me, having a baby and adopting a child are mutually exclusive decisions.

Yes, but while they are exclusive one does impact on the other.

I can have as many babies as I want to when I’m married …

Think you only to read some of the other threads on this Forum to find that not everyone who wants to have children can have them. Also not everyone who wants to can adopt - or only older children may be available.

My father is ill and my mother is his caretaker.

Sorry you are having to deal with this situation.

So the rest of this year and next year are geared toward getting my feet firmly under me and getting my own place …

I hope you are successful with this.

Also, any guy I meet after I have my new minature human around will have to be willing to have her in his life from the get-go, and knowing that, it’ll be easier to find a guy who’s worthwhile and willing to be her father. Plus, if later on I feel called to adopt again, having done it once, then my husband would understand what I’ve got in mind and probably be more supportive, even if we have babies of our own.

This is one of possible scenarios. If you did not meet anyone and adopted you would need to make sure that your adopted child had good male and female role models. Only children also need to get plenty of interaction with other children.

Those who are married might like to comment on any likely effects of a husband taking on a new wife and a child together rahther than the child coming after the marriage.

I might find my perfect partner and want to get married, but if he isn’t 100% behind adoption, this could be a problem

Don’t think there are any perfect partners (though it may be presumptuous for a never married to say this). All relationships have their challenges and the presence of a child would bring extra ones.

The question is, should I postpone looking for a husband until after I have adopted?

I’d continue on developing relationships as you are currently doing. If a possible marriage partner turns up all all very well, but if not, you would have widened your circle of friends.

… Children who are adopted into single parent homes don’t have the same issues that children of divorced parents have, but at the same time, a child does best growing up in a household with two stable parents.

Agree - thought the effect on children is influenced by how the divorce was handled.

Since right now I’d prefer to adopt a little girl (but am not opposed to little boys!), I know that having a happy marriage is better for her than some people think - a father’s influence on a little girl is stronger than people realize.

Many "Daddy’s girls, (including me) would agree with your comment about their father’s influence.

 

[ecp007]

Please correct me if I’m wrong here - are you saying that 1) I might not be able to adopt a child now because I’m single, .

Hi, let me try to help here as an adoptive mother.

1. In the US, the laws are built to protect the birth mother, not the adoptive family. Therefore in most cases, the birthmother gets to pick the adoptive family, not the other way around. My husband and I were 30 years old. We had zero debt, very high paying jobs, we owned our home (2000 sq feet), were religious, stable families with grandparents alive on both side, and we were “waiting” for a birth mother to pick us for over 2 years. We didn’t even get one birth mother show any interest.
2. Infertility has become epidemic in the US and Europe. Abortions are up. Therefore the number of parents wanting to adopt healthy white infants exceeds the number of healthy white and bi-ratial children under the age of 5 available for adoption. So adopting an infant for a single mother is almost impossible unless you have the money Angelina Jolie has.
3. Many agencies have age limits at 35. That is, if you are older than 35 you are too old to adopt. Many don’t allow single parents, or parents with a history of depression or criminal records. They do background checks, including financial and home stability. You need to be in a home that has a separate room for the baby.
4. Adoption is EXPENSIVE.
   a) If you are lucky enough to have a birthmother pick you, then you have to pay all her living expenses, maternity cloths, pre-natal visits, throughout her pregnancy including the hospital delivery. She has until 3 days AFTER the birth to change her mind, and take the baby back, and you would loose everything.
   b) If you go through a private attorney, it is all this, plus attorney fees.
   c) We decided to go the International Adoption route, including travel, fees and expenses, we could have payed the downpayment on another (larger) house.

If you are saying that you have love to give, may I suggest becoming a foster parent? It may be the perfect match for you. The state will pay you money to temporarily care for children in bad situations. Sometimes the birthmom’s get their act together, and then you have to give the child back. But sometimes they don’t and the children become available for adoption. If you go this route, (at least in Florida) the state will pay all medical expenses, and even college fees for the child until they are 21, even after adoption. But, these children are usually older, come from abuse and neglect so they have problems. BUT, they would benefit tremendously from the love you have to give.

I I wish you the best…

 

[Jeanne_dArc]

I think that maybe taking some classes on adoption, etc might be a good idea. It’s not a massive step, and it would help you learn more about adoption.

 

[tabsie3210]

Thanks to everyone who posted your thoughts and opinions on this thread

I’ve considered foster care, but unfortuantely in the area where I am, it’s not a very pleasant thing. One of my former co-workers was fostering to adopt and discovered that every time they got the kids back from the biological parents (the parents had partial custody), the boys were tense, upset, and had a bunch of problems that took a long time to fix, only to end up with them again when the kids went back to see their folks, and in the end the biological parents got full custody back, so my co-worker lost the boys altogether.

Seeing that, well, I’m turned off to fostering, but adopting would be great.

This isn’t something I’ve set in stone. It’s not something that I’m intending to do this minute, even, because I do have issues I know I need to resolve first. I believe that I’m called to adopt because, quite frankly, I’ve seen too many kids who need good, stable homes.

I’m not focused on adopting a white infant, unless someone happens to be in a crisis pregnancy and needs an adoptive mother for one. I’m actually thinking more in line for an older child, maybe a bi-racial child or even another race altogether. I’m not fussy. To me, anyone under 10 is a baby. I’m not going to go nuts trying to get a white baby, and why should I? There are kids out there who need parents, and it doesn’t matter the color or race or age.

I am thinking that I need to get my butt in gear if I want to actually do this because there are limitations to who can adopt, and I do know that there’s at least one nearby organization that does help single Catholic mothers adopt (one of the Eucharistic Ministers at my church works for them and has helped three single Catholic women adopt this year).

Mostly I’m working right now to get ideas and see holes in my thinking, which is why it’s nice to have this message board to come to. It’s always better to bounce ideas off of people who aren’t personally involved to come up with thoughts and ideas outside of my own thinking.