Singlehood and Selfishness- what if you're trapped?

[iwillrisenow]

Hello again! Thank you to those who’ve shared their thoughts and prayers mindfully and respectfully. I hope that other singles out there reading this take heart in much of what’s written here.

I’ve also noticed that a few married folks have trickled in with their own perspectives…while I respect and understand that you have struggles of your own in this area, I just want to say that the reason that I focused this thread on singles is because unlike priests, married and religious, we are not living out a vocation where we are in immediate daily contact with a select group of familiar individuals to whom we are specifically bound by vows that we positively took to serve and uplift those specific people for the entire duration of our lives on earth.**

Priests, religious, and married couples can live purposeful lives of service by solely focusing on the home, parish and/or religious community, and others to whom they are specifically bound within their vocations (e.g.- the family for married couples; religious order that focuses on teaching or nursing or prison ministry focuses on those populations; parish community for priests). If they never so much as look outside of those groups, they will still have lived out a full vocation of service on earth-- and certainly have more than enough to keep them busy for a lifetime! For singles, however, especially those of us who are discerning other vocations and have in no way positively affirmed, taken vows to, or assented to a so-called single vocation, we are not vocationally bound to anyone, so yes, there are some challenges that we face that are not shared with those in other vocations. Some of us feel as though we could never do enough because it is unclear who we are supposed to serve, when, and how. Others feel as though we’re expected to have deep pockets to make significant charitable donations to “make up” for our lack of a family or positive vows of poverty (many of us do not) or limitless charisma and social energy to be present and serving people we do not know from all walks of life 24/7/365 (many of us do not). **This does not mean that those in other vocations do not face challenges in service too-- of course they do! ** As a single person, however, I am not familiar with the challenges that those of you in those situations might be facing. I certainly encourage you to seek out and/or start your own discussions on these matters and to pray for one another.

 

[BarbTh]

Every baptised person has a vocation and call from God. If one is single, but not by one’s own choice, then their baptismal vocational call applies which is our call to follow Jesus and His Gospel. How one lives it out can be found in The Decree on The Apostolate of The Laity vatican.va/archive/hist_councils/ii_vatican_council/documents/vat-ii_decree_19651118_apostolicam-actuositatem_en.html
For those who have made private vows, the Decree on the Apostolate of The Laity is still very much the guide - while some details just might be spelt out in their private vows.

Most probably most will receive a further vocation (consecrated life, priesthood, marriage) and this is how (or the role) one is to live out that baptismal vocational call. Actually, “further vocation” is probably incorrect and more correctly a new vocational call builds on one’s baptism and is vitally connected it. All vocational calls are rooted in our Baptism and ‘spell out’ how one is to live out one’s baptism.

There is no value in comparing one vocation to another since in Grace, The Lord is leading every single person to holiness, no matter their vocation. We all can be assured of this. It is a question of how one responds to one’s vocational Graces throughout one’s journey. This is very much illustrated in the life of St Therese of Lisieux, who did outwardly nothing outstanding nor notable in her community - rather her holiness and sanctity stems from the interior responses she gave to Grace in her journey. These interior responses were not known until her autobiography became known. She is sometimes called the saint who lived an ordinary life in an extraordinary manner.

There is immense value even necessity (as stated by Pope Benedict) for every person who does desire to live a holy and committed life to have a spiritual director. If one is totally unable to find one, then one can have immense and total confidence and trust in God who never would allow a dedicated soul to go astray completely…but never giving up the prayer and search for a spiritual director. A sound director will certainly facilitate one to separate oneself from the expectations of others (detachment from). It is not up to others to dictate how one lives out one’s baptism - it is the prerogative of The Lord revealed to us through His Church.

It can be a very big mistake and misstep for a single person therefore committed to the celibate lay state to attempt to live out their vocation with religious life and marriage as their guide, while there may be similarities only. Some celibate lay people, however, do receive a call to live in a close manner to those in certainly religious life.

It is all a matter of discerning what exactly one’s vocational call actually is - and then set about understanding it, what it embraces or may not embrace - and then in hope to journey on with The Lord in confidence. This is where, too, a sound spiritual director is invaluable.

There is no such thing for a baptised Catholic person as “no vocation”.

 

[pwlj_christ87]

i can totally relate to the original poster…

single,

re-conversion… “devout” yo ucan say…

isolative type work in unrelated fields…

lonliness…

very hard to someitmes remain chaste as internet dating is frequent but i think its the power of maintaining a sincere self identity in catholicsm, and the action of prayer that will help

 

[BarbTh]

This message goes out to all my fellow singles who suffer from isolation and temptations to selfishness, if only due to a lack of presence of others in one’s life. The situation may be difficult for some to imagine, but I am certain that I am not the only one who faces several or all of these challenges:

…edit for space…(go to opening post in this thread for full text)

My question is, how can one live a selfless life for others in the face of such prohibitions? Are singles facing these situations called to focus on growing closer to God and living for Him, even if this doesn’t lead to service in the traditional sense? Also, if a single person is aware of a possible call to another vocation (religious or married life), can he/she truly expect to *give fully *prior to finding his or her vocation (in other words, might a lack of opportunities to give be a sort of prompting to seek out either vocation, whether or not it comes to pass)? For instance, for those who are committed to living out the vocational single life, ample opportunities to serve and engage seem to flow freely even outside of a ‘traditional’ vocation.

The only thing that I ask is that we refrain from disbelief in this conversation. I am aware that for many people (especially those who have grown up Catholic, come from large families and/or have never faced a major catastrophe in the family that greatly reduced the circle of friends and associates), the idea that someone can have “no people” will seem outlandish and bizarre and like there “must be something wrong” with those in question. I know from firsthand experience, however, that wanting to give of oneself but not being able to find a way to do so can be an extremely painful and disheartening experience. The call to follow Jesus in the Church is not a rosy and sunny path surrounded by friends and supportive people for many of us and we shouldn’t be afraid to talk about the challenges due to voices of judgement or assumptions that there must be something wrong with us or our relationship with God if we’re not having a merry time.

My heart goes out to you and many of what you have mentioned are things that I know and endure or have endured.
I think it probably undoubtable that single celibate Catholic women are very often overlooked on the parish level; sometimes even held in suspicion, which can make the road rough and perhaps very rough. There is no suffering in existence that God does not grant The Grace to bear and even overcome.
There is almost always a way around problems - it is finding the ways that can be difficult and even disheartening, really disheartening but hopefully not giving in to despair and giving up.
“They have persecuted Me and they will persecute you…take up your cross and follow Me”. Suffering and The Cross is almost a qualification as a disciple of Jesus and suffering is a common denominator in absolutely every life of the saints. This does not make the road easy at all, no way. Nor can we pick and choose our particular suffering and cross - they will come to us in all forms and it is because they are so difficult to bear that we call them suffering and a cross. If they were easy and comfortable, they would not be suffering nor a cross at all. “Giving of oneself” and “living a selfless life for others” can also be very much *and ideally *translated into suffering the difficulties in life for Love of God and bearing them as best we can. This is not a pious platitude, but a call to many of us as disciples of Jesus. It is not a passive suffering, rather enduring as best one can while one continues to search for ways around suffering. God does not desire us to suffer - but sometimes it is unavoidable in all human existence as we see in the life of Jesus. God did not eliminate suffering with the Incarnation and Death of Jesus, rather He gifted it with a place of potentially great esteem indeed. Nor does He identify with the source of suffering, rather God identifies with the one who suffers.

Through the Death of Jesus, human suffering has assumed a place of esteem in the lives of His disciples. This does not make suffering easy to bear, nor can we control what we might feel (feelings are not controllable most often, they simply are)- but we can suffer whatever as best we are able and unite it to the Sufferings of Jesus and His Sacred Heart and in this way the unavoidable problems and crosses of this life become redemptive of souls…even as we continue the search to overcome presenting problems and difficulties.
If a person is suffering deeply “and not having a merry time”, then the call to the other as a disciple is compassion and concern - not ‘put downs’ and accusations…and false accusations they would be and the one who accuses and ‘puts down’ would be very wrong indeed and not following Jesus nor living His Gospel.

This from Pope Francis might help:

news.va/en/news/pope-francis-suffering-difficulties-with-patience
"2013-05-24 Vatican Radio
“To suffer with patience and to overcome external and internal oppression with love.” That was the prayer of Pope Francis today at the Domus Sanctae Martae during Mass on the feast of Mary Help of Christians.
In his homily, Pope Francis requested two graces: “To endure with patience and to overcome with love.” These are “graces proper to a Christian.” “To suffer with patience,” he notes, “is not easy.” “It is not easy, whether the difficulties come from without, or are problems within the heart, the soul, internal problems.” But to suffer, he explained, is not simply to “bear with a difficulty.”:
“To suffer is to take the difficulty and to carry it with strength, so that the difficulty does not drag us down. To carry it with strength: this is …read on at above link

God bless and keep you

 

[BarbTh]

I am really hoping my posts will not dampen any lively discussion on the problems that single people may encounter within The Church. I know they exist and experience many of them myself. I merely wanted to point out a highly meaningful way - and a quite holy way - of dealing with problems - as one searches for a resolution and ability to overcome any problems if possible. And this is too what we are called by Jesus and His Gospel to do and not to be passive in our difficulties and not seek to overcome them.

One can volunteer in the parish as lector (reader) or any other voluntary position in the parish including the St Vincent de Paul Conference if there is one in the parish. Another way of getting to know fellow Catholics and they to know you is through attending social gatherings even if one does wander around like a lost sheep with no one to talk to for the first few times. Another really good way if one is able is through attending weekday Mass, even if it is only on one week day or one day each fortnight, even month. Weekday Masses usually involve a much smaller regular congregation and people do eventually get to know each other. And prayer, (The Mass is an official public prayer of The Church - the other is the Liturgy of The Hours), is the most important of all.

Problems do exist, I know, and many of them I experience myself. I have been in my parish for over 5 years now and have volunteered in the parish office, as lector and also am a member of a parish Conference of St Vincent de Paul. I still can count on one hand the people I have got to know - if even that in fact. It all takes time and patience with perseverance. Many people in our general community do not have one single friend and experience terrible loneliness and this can lead (not always) to a sense of unworthiness and lack of self esteem and confidence, which in turn can bring about one isolating oneself and no longer seeking to reach out to others in some way leading sometimes to bitterness about others.

We are not expected nor asked to donate over and above our means and certainly if one is donating to the two Sunday Mass collections then this is donating to the Mission of The Church and The Gospel. If one can donate more and in other areas, well and good and if not, well and good too. If one just cannot afford to give at all, one can pray for the Mission of The Church and for those in need, which is a Spiritual Work of Mercy. And The Church and people in need too are desperately in need of prayer, as are we all both living and dead.

There can be a case of what it states in the Desiderata “if you compare yourself to others, you may become vain and bitter”. We cannot stop people thinking or talking, but we can change our reaction to what other’s might be thinking and saying.

In the final analysis, we are going to be judged, and are judged, by our Compassionate and Understanding, All Loving God, not by other people.

Corporal works of Mercy•To feed the hungry;
•To give drink to the thirsty;
•To clothe the naked;
•To harbour the harbourless;
•To visit the sick;
•To ransom the captive;
•To bury the dead.

The spiritual works of Mercy are:
•To instruct the ignorant;
•To counsel the doubtful;
•To admonish sinners;
•To bear wrongs patiently;
•To forgive offences willingly;
•To comfort the afflicted;
•To pray for the living and the dead.

 

[bardegaulois]

“Others feel as though we’re expected to have deep pockets to make significant charitable donations to ‘make up’ for our lack of a family or positive vows of poverty (many of us do not) or limitless charisma and social energy to be present and serving people we do not know from all walks of life 24/7/365 (many of us do not).”

I find that perhaps the most important thing that one can do if one is unmarried and lonely is to disregard what you might think that others feel, because in the end it will only make you feel worse. Let’s face it: there’s only a particular set of single people who will come seeking advice about it online, and that’s those who are feeling a little isolated from others, and certainly not those with strong families or many friends. Of course, the advice to stop being so introverted and to do more social or busy work for the Church, though well-meaning, really doesn’t understand the personality and temperament underlying that question.

If anything, you ought to be a little more selfish, but don’t take that the wrong way. I see very little in your statements here about what it is that you actually want to do. So, what do you want to do? And what’s holding you back from doing it?

God bless.

 

[BarbTh]

Well said and a good question posed, although IMHO I do not think it necessarily that “there’s only a particular set of single people who will come seeking advice about it online, and that’s those who are feeling a little isolated from others, and certainly not those with strong families or many friends”, which is not to my way of thought and no real credible and sound evidence to support it, I tend to think.

I certainly have a strong and very close family who will gather to celebrate at the drop of the hat - not many friends however, not many at all and I feel that others might find me inapproachable due to the fact that I am single and our parish is an very well established parish made up of mainly quite elderly singles and couples or young couples with families. I really miss my previous parish where I was a parishioner for 30 years and the close ties I had made there. As a relatively new parishioner in the scheme of things in this parish now for just over 5yrs, it is very difficult to break into the Catholic parish clique mentality long established. I certainly am not isolated from others since I have two quite friendly neighbours as close and friendly acquaintances who are single and around my own age, but not Catholic. I go out twice weekly doing voluntary work in an office reception area and know my workmates well, although we do not socialize out of hours. I also work voluntary in the parish for St Vincent de Paul and, again, I know my fellow SVP volunteers well but we do not socialize outside of SVP, although this year we are going to have a Christmas dinner … and a decided step in the right direction I think and for the very first time in our parish.

How much in dollars one does give or does not give is between oneself and God alone. And those who do not have charisma and social skills are just as much a member of Christ’s Mystical Body as those that do. And should ideally be just as welcome and highly valued, one would hope. And I do not think that the previous poster was in any way challenging these things.

As I said, it can take time, perhaps a lot of time and a lot of hard nosed stubborn and unrelenting perseverance too to make friends who are fellow Catholics in one’s area. Practising Catholics are not at all noted for excellent Catholic fellowship skills in the parish, especially with making room and welcome for newcomers in a long established parish of a few generations.

Hence, I think that many factors indeed could bring contributing members into this thread and not at all necessarily factors that are their own doing. Not the least of these factors would be the lack of reliable and sound information on living out the single celibate vocation in daily life. There are documents out of Rome on religious life and the priesthood, as well as marriage. To dig out references to the single lay celibate vocation one has to read long and hard to find references to the vocation in isolated places in these documents. The best guide we do have to my mind, as I mentioned in a previous post is: “The Apostolate of The Laity” and it is well worth a very careful read I think vatican.va/archive/hist_councils/ii_vatican_council/documents/vat-ii_decree_19651118_apostolicam-actuositatem_en.html

Pre V2 only religious life and the priesthood were considered vocations per se. Marriage arrived a little later on the scene not long after V2 as a recognised valid vocation. The single celibate lay vocation, while it is generally accepted as a valid vocation still struggles to make its way into Catholic cultural consciousness as a valid vocation, which indeed it is. The problem, I feel, comes about by not understanding what indeed “vocation” per se actually means.

 

[bardegaulois]

The question the OP seems to be asking, though, Barb, is not who one lives out a concrete vocation, but rather how one is to exist in a state of life that may be transitional and to which one has not been called. And why we see this so much nowadays is likely not due to some “new move of the Spirit,” but rather to the general apostasy that diminishes the pool from which potential spouses can be drawn and to a profound decline in many of the great religious institutes in the past. So we have many single laypeople who despair of finding a spouses or of fitting in well to any particular religious community, but seem disoriented in that their lives seem a little unnatural. It’s just the fruit of a broken society.

All this talk about singleness from others really doesn’t help matters much, moreover, and can often feel somewhat patronizing. Let’s be frank and admit that we can define “singleness” only by what it is not–a state in which one is neither married, religious, nor ordained–and not by what it is. Thus, I continually tell others who ask about it to reject that label altogether and to focus instead on defining their existence in more substantial terms. Some of the better terms I’ve heard have been “perpetual student” and “postmodern hermit” and “itinerant teacher”–terms befitting one who might be more contemplative and interior in nature. They mean something; they have duties and obligations; they are not so vacuous as the term “single person.”

 

[BarbTh]

The question the OP seems to be asking, though, Barb, is not who one lives out a concrete vocation, but rather how one is to exist in a state of life that may be …edited due to wordcount…be more contemplative and interior in nature. They mean something; they have duties and obligations; they are not so vacuous as the term “single person.”

Thank you for your very kind response and sharing of your thoughts

I think that there might be a failure generally in Catholic cultural consciousness to grasp their Baptism as a vocation and call to follow Jesus and His Gospel…and possibly even a failure to read “The Apostolate of The Laity” and strive to understand it and their important place in The Church and therefore their vocation and call from God. If they are experiencing this state in life as transitional and are striving to discern their vocation, then they are in a discernment stage or state. Any title at all a person gives to themselves in the single celibate lay state is only that - and not at all whatsoever how The Church views this vocation and call.

“Fruit of a broken society” is certainly a perspective and opinion on what exists in The Church today in the lack of priestly and religious vocations. It is ONE perspective and attitude. Could it not also reasonably be that The Lord is acting differently in His world to what He has in the past and fewer are being called to these vocations - and the lay state has a potential that has only just begun to be explored by The Church and explored by Her with an increasing awareness of it’s importance and potential in the MIssion of The Church. The first task then, to me, is to try to break through into Catholic cultural consciousness generally that their Baptism is not something that happened ‘willy nilly’ or something for which their parents are responsible. Baptism is also a sign from God that the person, child or baby being baptised has been particularly and quite individually chosen to be a follower of Christ and His Gospel as their vocation and call in life and from God. Certainly Vatican2 clearly recognized and highlighted this with underscoring laid out for us in “The Apostolate of The Laity” (previously quoted).

Having been ‘on the case’ for quite a few years now as the celibate lay vocation is my own very clear vocation and call from God (recently affirmed by our Archbishop in giving his permission for a Home Mass to have my private vows received and renewed), I know that it is going to take persistence and application with dogged perseverance and stubbornness to get the message of Baptism as a vocation and call from God through into general Catholic cultural consciousness. And I am only one among many who are striving in this direction.

Undoubtedly, Rome is aware of the many single celibate lay people who feel no call to any of the established and recognized vocation such as consecrated life (embracing religious life and secular institutes), priesthood and marriage and do flounder trying to understand their place in the scheme of things and this, to my mind, is a failure in formation of the laity as well as a failure for laity to strive to grasp their vocation as lay celibates and “celibate” in connection with laity is the most common term used by Rome, while “single” is simply a general cultural term I have only ever seen used once in a Vatican Document and I think, according to memory, by Pope John Paul II - but I don’t have time just now to locate it in my files and quote it with link.

Fr J A Hardon SJ (decd) was one of the most important theologians of his day and he is a candidate for beatification. He is credited too with the Catholic Catechism and many other works.
therealpresence.org/archives/Religious_Life/Religious_Life_033.htm
“There is a fourth category contemplated by the Holy See in anticipation of the new Code of Canon Law, so that something may be done for the thousands of women who seem not to want religious life yet seem to want to live especially dedicated lives in the Church. The secular institutes are a recent development of the Catholic Church. If there would be a fourth category, it would be some form of what we now call “secular institutes,” but the implications still have to be worked out.”

catholic.org/news/hf/faith/story.php?id=56614
CHESAPEAKE, VA (Catholic Online) - Even though I am approaching my 60th birthday, I still vividly remember the days when Father would visit our elementary school classroom at St Matthews School in Dorchester, Massachusetts for the “Vocations Talk”. Sincerely, he would look at all of our young faces and tell us we were all called to follow the Lord as priests and nuns - but that few would respond.

Unfortunately, his sincerity - and commendable desire to promote vocations to those beautiful ways of following Jesus Christ - failed to communicate a vital truth confirmed in the Scripture, upheld in the Christian Tradition, and reaffirmed with vigor since the Second Vatican Council in the Catholic Church.

**That truth is that every baptized Christian has a vocation and a role to play in the missionary work of the Church. Every Baptized Christian is called to follow the Lord - and not just once, but repeatedly. Our response to the call can express itself in various ways, states in life and even evolve over a lifetime. However, we are all called into the Vineyard of the Lord. **

I have many more quotations from Rome in my files but no time to present them just now.

Thank you once again for your response. And I am really hoping others will join in the conversation

 

[BarbTh]

What follows is taken from the Opening Post, my comments are in bold.

• Relocation for work or other events later in life (after age 25) leading to a period of isolation, sometimes long-term; **The challenge here would be to persevere in the search to release oneself from isolation even if the quest is a long term one. **
• Few or no friends due to a variety of factors (e.g.- relocation, introverted personality, frequent moves, age and marital status, conversion, etc.);Again, the challenge is to not give up and to rest in some negative factors with a hopeless sort of attitude
• Estrangement from family members for a variety of reasons (including history of abuse and/or disownment); This can be a quite difficult and very painful challenge. Our journeys are going to take a lot of confidence in God, even if things seem hopeless and a continuing prayerful quest to overcome pain and negative factors
• No babies/young children around (I’ve sometimes read that singles are called to be helpers and second or spiritual parents to others’ children, but what if you honestly don’t know anyone with kids?);Whoever said that singles are called to be “helpers and seond or spiritual parents to thers’ children” was quite wrong. The celibate lay person (single person) can have absolutely endless calls and missions within the overall mission of The Church - and to numerous indeed to try to mention, some might be within the parish, others completely outside of it. We are not bound to serve in some ministry within the parish
• Unemployment or underemployment limits ability to participate in charitable giving (too poor to be the material provider in any significant way, too “rich” to be “the poor”); This is a life circumstance which God has allowed in one’s life. If circumstances mean that one cannot “participate in charitable giving” (financially), then this is the situation to be embraced without guilt
• Lack of skills and abilities that are typically given to build up the Church (what do you do if you can’t and are not specifically called in prayer to sing, cook, knit, teach, etc.?); **Well, if one can read, then one can take part in parish life through being a lector or reader at Mass, or perhaps as I did for a while and work in the parish office or help clean The Church if one really desires to serve within the parish. What I would be doing in such a circumstance were it mine, would be to have a talk with my parish priest and ask how I can contribute to parish life not having the skills you outlined. When I first shifted to this parish, my first approach was to my pp asking how I could help in the parish **
• Hesitant about ministering in certain situations due to safety issues (e.g.- a woman who is almost always walking alone may not think it wise to respond to panhandlers on the streets of a moderate to high crime city; I myself have experienced abuse and aggression while attempting to do this);Seems to me that under these circumstances, prudence and wisdom (two Gifts of The Holy Spirit at Confirmation) would ask that one not attempt to involve oneself in such situations. Were I in this circumstances, I would simply reflect that it was not my call to do so.
• Inability to join any long-term ministries due to frequent moves, distance from parish, cliquish communities, lack of transportation, and/or scheduling constraints due to workAgain, were I in this situation, I would regard that long term ministries was not my vocation
• Any other condition (life situation, mental or emotional state, major trauma, social class, cultural minority status, etc.) that might impede ones’ ability to associate with others Quite simply, then don’t! But under the circumstances you have mentioned, I would be seeking some sort of counselling and talking to my parish priest

My question is, how can one live a selfless life for others in the face of such prohibitions? Are singles facing these situations called to focus on growing closer to God and living for Him, even if this doesn’t lead to service in the traditional sense? Also, if a single person is aware of a possible call to another vocation (religious or married life), can he/she truly expect to *give fully *prior to finding his or her vocation (in other words, might a lack of opportunities to give be a sort of prompting to seek out either vocation, whether or not it comes to pass)? For instance, for those who are committed to living out the vocational single life, ample opportunities to serve and engage seem to flow freely even outside of a ‘traditional’ vocation.
I am sure that many in the celibate lay vocation serve The Lord outside of parish life in some way and this is completely valid and builds up the Mission of The Church by taking The Gospel (and by this I mean by the person they are and the way they live) into whatever area they may be involved in in the general community

The only thing that I ask is that we refrain from -edited for wordcount -

**The situations that you have mentioned and the circumstances involved would benefit greatly I am sure from spiritual direction…or at very least a long talk by appointment with one’s parish priest and this is the one of the primary functions of a parish priest - i.e. to give spiritual direction to his parishioners. Sometimes a religious in the parish does this or a pastoral worker at times. I don’t think that there is any such thing as a completely hopeless situation. To think that there is is against the Love and Mercy of God. And believe me, I should know, my journey has not been by a very big shot a peaches and cream journey/by very far!

Jesus did not promise us a rose garden - He promised us a cross and to take it up and follow Him and that He would be with us until the end of time. Today’s Gospel bears this out new.usccb.org/bible/readings/100114.cfm **

 

[bardegaulois]

Though you present a good argument, I’d have to take issue with a couple of points. First, you mention that baptism is the common vocation of the faithful, but I would disagree. Baptism is the common VOW of the faithful, one that we renew explicitly every Easter and implicitly every time we bless ourselves with holy water, so much so that one is not a member of the faithful and thus a Christian unless one is a baptized person. But vows and vocations, though the two are correlated, are different things altogether. If they were not, then we would have to presume that a secular priest, who makes no vows beyond those of baptism, would have no particular vocation. That is of course absurd according to what we have received from centuries of Church teaching.

Baptismal vows, moreover, are binding upon all the faithful of whatever state of life, not just celibate laity. Indeed, one could look at the responsibilities of the other states as particular means to fulfill those baptismal vows. A celibate layman, unless a tertiary or something of the sort, has no other particular means given beyond what they may cobble together based on their learning, what they are assigned by a confessor or spiritual director, or so forth. All must fulfill their baptismal vows, but in the state of life in question, the specific way they must be fulfilled is lacking–unless by a distinct call to a particular duty, profession, position, or so forth, whether this involves a vow or not. And from my understanding, that distinct call is exactly what a vocation is.

Furthermore, I think you’re making a very false and misleading dichotomy between the pre-Vatican II Church and the post-Vatican II Church, the type often made by those who would believe that dogma or long-established practice should change upon the caprice of a moment. You mention, for instance, that marriage was not considered a vocation before Vatican II, but my many books from the time of the great St. Pius X strongly contradict that assertion. Indeed, several even mention “single blessedness,” but the criteria they list for embracing that state might surprise you, for they tend all to be in response to a pressing family need or to an unsuitability for the other states of life, generally due to health. In any case, though, Holy Mother Church is much the same as she was in St. Pius’s time and Vatican II, a pastoral council, defined no new dogma, but only elaborated some on what it had received from before. Every statement of that council and statement made since then must be looked at in light of our historic practice, or otherwise we will simply lose our moorings in this ever-uncertain world, something of which I’ve become very fearful especially with recent events.

 

[Michael19682]

This message goes out to all my fellow singles who suffer from isolation and temptations to selfishness, if only due to a lack of presence of others in one’s life. The situation may be difficult for some to imagine, but I am certain that I am not the only one who faces several or all of these challenges:

• Relocation for work or other events later in life (after age 25) leading to a period of isolation, sometimes long-term;
• Few or no friends due to a variety of factors (e.g.- relocation, introverted personality, frequent moves, age and marital status, conversion, etc.);
• Estrangement from family members for a variety of reasons (including history of abuse and/or disownment);
• No babies/young children around (I’ve sometimes read that singles are called to be helpers and second or spiritual parents to others’ children, but what if you honestly don’t know anyone with kids?);
• Unemployment or underemployment limits ability to participate in charitable giving (too poor to be the material provider in any significant way, too “rich” to be “the poor”);
• Lack of skills and abilities that are typically given to build up the Church (what do you do if you can’t and are not specifically called in prayer to sing, cook, knit, teach, etc.?);
• Hesitant about ministering in certain situations due to safety issues (e.g.- a woman who is almost always walking alone may not think it wise to respond to panhandlers on the streets of a moderate to high crime city; I myself have experienced abuse and aggression while attempting to do this);
• Inability to join any long-term ministries due to frequent moves, distance from parish, cliquish communities, lack of transportation, and/or scheduling constraints due to work;
• Any other condition (life situation, mental or emotional state, major trauma, social class, cultural minority status, etc.) that might impede ones’ ability to associate with others.

My question is, how can one live a selfless life for others in the face of such prohibitions? Are singles facing these situations called to focus on growing closer to God and living for Him, even if this doesn’t lead to service in the traditional sense? Also, if a single person is aware of a possible call to another vocation (religious or married life), can he/she truly expect to *give fully *prior to finding his or her vocation (in other words, might a lack of opportunities to give be a sort of prompting to seek out either vocation, whether or not it comes to pass)? For instance, for those who are committed to living out the vocational single life, ample opportunities to serve and engage seem to flow freely even outside of a ‘traditional’ vocation.

The only thing that I ask is that we refrain from disbelief in this conversation. I am aware that for many people (especially those who have grown up Catholic, come from large families and/or have never faced a major catastrophe in the family that greatly reduced the circle of friends and associates), the idea that someone can have “no people” will seem outlandish and bizarre and like there “must be something wrong” with those in question. I know from firsthand experience, however, that wanting to give of oneself but not being able to find a way to do so can be an extremely painful and disheartening experience. The call to follow Jesus in the Church is not a rosy and sunny path surrounded by friends and supportive people for many of us and we shouldn’t be afraid to talk about the challenges due to voices of judgment or assumptions that there must be something wrong with us or our relationship with God if we’re not having a merry time.

I think you might have the scenario in reverse. The sacrament of marriage can work either way: build a person in holiness, or drags one or both into hell. The sacrament will not change a personality. Nothing can change a personality. Its fixed. Only what you think and do can be worked with. Just like people go from the confessional back to treating their neighbors with disrespect, so people go from a single life of serial relationships, into a marriage of struggle with issues of all kinds, including impulses to infidelity. Just like some single people struggle to give as generously as possible at the collection, some married people struggle to give of their resources – especially of time – to anyone other than their family, etc., or in circumstances where their family benefits as an outcome. Selfishness is a vice that is not bound to marriage or single hood.
If God sees that you are in shackles due to illness or circumstance, why would he blame you? You are being too critical of yourself.
Single people have it difficult, and it is largely because of the world as shaped by married people. If you are a victim, then you are a victim. Let the others answer for their shortcomings when their time comes.

 

[BarbTh]

Thank you for the comments, bardegaulois. Our Baptism is indeed a vocation and call from God and a call and vocation that involves vows. It is the general vocation of all the baptised. Our particular personal vocation spells out for us how we are to love & serve God and follow Jesus and His Gospel - and our personal vocation builds on our general vocation of baptism and this is Church Teaching. cam.org.au/vocations/The-Call/What-is-a-Vocation-

The following quote is from Vocation Network (publication of National Religious Vocations Network) :

vocationnetwork.org/articles/show?id=180
What is a vocation?
“Many people use the word vocation (from the Latin vocare, meaning “to call”) in reference to the call to be a priest, sister, or brother. However the Catholic understanding of vocation is much broader: every baptized person has a vocation–a call–to love and serve God. How you choose to live out that vocation is what each person must discern. Some feel called to live as single or married laypeople; others choose consecrated life and join a secular institute or religious community (as sisters, priests, or brothers); still others choose ordination as deacons or diocesan priests.”

And from Christifideles Laici (Vocation & Mission of Lay Faithful in The Church and in The World - Post Synodal Exhortation - John Paul II)
vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/apost_exhortations/documents/hf_jp-ii_exh_30121988_christifideles-laici_en.html

**The Lay Faithful and Their Secular Character **

1. The newness of the Christian life is the foundation and title for equality among all the baptized in Christ, for all the members of the People of God: "As members, they share a common dignity from their rebirth in Christ, they have the same filial grace and the same vocation to perfection. They possess in common one salvation, one hope and one undivided charity"(28). Because of the one dignity flowing from Baptism, each member of the lay faithful, together with ordained ministers and men and women religious, shares a responsibility for the Church’s mission.

As to the pre and post V2 Church. I am 69 years of age and certainly, when we had addresses on vocations, it was only about religious life and the priesthood. We never ever heard talks about marriage or the lay celibate state as vocations, nor were we ever told that marriage and the lay celibate state were indeed vocations too & I am sure any person who lived pre V2 would have experienced this also.

I am repeating this quotation from a previous post of mine into this thread. It comes from Catholic Online, and a sound Catholic resource:

catholic.org/news/hf/fait…y.php?id=56614
CHESAPEAKE, VA (Catholic Online) - Even though I am approaching my 60th birthday, I still vividly remember the days when Father would visit our elementary school classroom at St Matthews School in Dorchester, Massachusetts for the “Vocations Talk”. Sincerely, he would look at all of our young faces and tell us we were all called to follow the Lord as priests and nuns - but that few would respond.

Unfortunately, his sincerity and commendable desire to promote vocations to those beautiful ways of following Jesus Christ failed to communicate a vital truth confirmed in the Scripture, upheld in the Christian Tradition, and reaffirmed with vigor since the Second Vatican Council in the Catholic Church.

That truth is that every baptized Christian has a vocation and a role to play in the missionary work of the Church. Every Baptized Christian is called to follow the Lord - and not just once, but repeatedly. Our response to the call can express itself in various ways, states in life and even evolve over a lifetime. However, we are all called into the Vineyard of the Lord.

It was never the Teaching of The Church that only religious life and the priesthood were vocations - however in Catholic cultural thought only, only priesthood and religious life were regarded as “vocations” per se. The Church as long taught pre Vatican II that marriage and also the single lay celibate state were vocations as well. It was never a problem of Church Teaching at any point, rather it was a problem of general Catholic thinking or Catholic cultural consciousness. Certainly, Vatican II changed that thinking to come into line with what The Church actually taught and V2 spelt out very clearly that the laity, be they married or celibate, have a specific vocation in The Church and in the world. If my previous posts have not made that clear, then I apologise.

Incidentally, for those in the laity, Christifideles Laici is an important document to read. Very important!

Recent events do cause human beings to be fearful about the future. And in our past we have gone through fearful periods - but we always go through them and come out of them. And we have the guarantee of Jesus: Luke Chapter 12

vatican.va/archive/ENG0839/__PWV.HTM
Can any of you by worrying add a moment to your lifespan?
26 If even the smallest things are beyond your control, why are you anxious about the rest?
27 Notice how the flowers grow. They do not toil or spin. But I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of them.
28 If God so clothes the grass in the field that grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith?
29 As for you, do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, and do not worry anymore.
30 All the nations of the world seek for these things, and your Father knows that you need them.
31 Instead, seek his kingdom, and these other things will be given you besides.
32 Do not be afraid any longer, little flock, for your Father is pleased to give you the kingdom.

 

[BarbTh]

I think you might have the scenario in reverse. The sacrament of marriage can work either way: build a person in holiness, or drags one or both into hell. The sacrament will not change a personality. Nothing can change a personality. Its fixed. Only what you think and do can be worked with. Just like people go from the confessional back to treating their neighbors with disrespect, so people go from a single life of serial relationships, into a marriage of struggle with issues of all kinds, including impulses to infidelity. Just like some single people struggle to give as generously as possible at the collection, some married people struggle to give of their resources – especially of time – to anyone other than their family, etc., or in circumstances where their family benefits as an outcome. Selfishness is a vice that is not bound to marriage or single hood.
If God sees that you are in shackles due to illness or circumstance, why would he blame you? You are being too critical of yourself.
Single people have it difficult, and it is largely because of the world as shaped by married people. If you are a victim, then you are a victim. Let the others answer for their shortcomings when their time comes.

Some really good comments, I thought - thank you for sharing them. Selfishness is certainly not confined to the lay celibate state (single life) - it can occur in any vocation whatsoever. And to my mind it is probably a rather common failing of human beings, something we need struggle with all our lives on some level or other and no matter to what personal vocation we might be called.

I also thought that the opening post was being very hard indeed and expecting things that were not feasible at all … i.e. “being too critical of yourself”. And indeed if I am overly critical of myself, chances are that I will be overly critical of others. Matthew 9 :13

• "The Pharisees saw this and said to his disciples, “Why does your teacher 8 eat with tax collectors and sinners?”
  12 He heard this and said, “Those who are well do not need a physician, but the sick do. 9
  13 Go and learn the meaning of the words, 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ 10 I did not come to call the righteous but sinners.”

In every single vocation priest, consecrated life, marriage and lay celibacy there will be the Cross and difficulties on some level or other to struggle with now and then, even for extended periods - some problems and difficulties might be minor, others severe to extremely severe. We are absolutely assured that The Grace of God is never lacking (it can only feel to us that it is - and feelings are rarely good guides in my book). This is also why The Cross is our emblem and we sign ourselves with The Cross so often. We were not promised a rose garden in human and worldly terms but we were promised that Jesus would always and everywhere at all times be with us - and that He (and thus we) would be victorious in the end. We were promised that His Love, Faithfulness and Absolute Mercy would never ever fail until the end of time. Alleluia Amen.
As to being a victim, in many cases where the opinions of others might be concerned, I can only be a victim of their opinions if I take those opinions on board as totally useless baggage in my journey - & completely useless baggage to carry around it really is! If others are accusing of me, then it is their problem and only becomes my problem if I decide that it is my problem too and thus become a victim of the opinions of others. We are asked not to judge and therefore should not judge - and if I do judge others or others judge me on some level or other, then Jesus has told us that those who judge will be judged by the very same criteria which was used for judging another. In other words, harsh judgments will bring harsh judgement upon the one who judges harshly. If we desire The Mercy of God (an who indeed does not!), then we are called to be merciful with others in our turn.

 

[bardegaulois]

OK, Barb, I’m having a little trouble grasping you here. We are all called to perfection: “be ye perfect” and so on… nobody is denying that. We are all vowed to reject sin, evil, and the devil, and to believe as the Apostles’ Creed states, for these are our baptismal vows. Nobody is denying that. We are all further called to close and intimate communion with Jesus Christ in every moment of our lives in the very individual manner given us both by nature and grace, whatever our outward state or situation. Nobody is denying that.

But in your first proof-text, a word that comes up continually is “choose.” In all of these threads about singleness, a key trait running through is that one is in a state of life that they haven’t really chosen, but in which they find themselves for a bevy of possible reasons. If there’s no sense of choseness or even of call, if there’s no sense of having aspired or attained to it, if there’s been no formation into the life, it’s not really a vocation. For some rare souls it might be, but most just seem to find themselves there due to circumstances beyond their control and are just trying to make the best of it.

Is there a solution for this? It militates against our social nature strongly written into the natural law. One could say that such people are called to service of their families, but let’s be realistic and admit that it is the very crisis in the family today that has left so many afraid to love. And love is the very root of the Christian life and of every vocation, so we have a very fundamental problem here that isn’t going to be solved merely by favouring and promoting a rare vocation, sometimes bringing it to equality with the ecclesiastical vocations, because so many are living the state of life that it entails. As I said earlier, it is just the fruit of a broken society.

Now I’m not denying that there is much grace and many means of sanctification available to an unmarried person, much more than to married persons, if we take the instructions of St. Paul and of the Council of Trent very seriously. We can’t say that the Fathers who fled to the desert to live as hermits, that Benedict when he went to Monte Cassino, that Francis when he went to San Damiano, that Catherine of Siena were any more than celibate laypeople and they were among the greatest saints the Church has known. Consider that there were many celibate men and women in the Church from the time of the New Testament. But after a while that was not enough. They used their unbounded state to practice more prayer and penance than others had time for, then banded together for mutual support, wrote rules to govern their conduct, and, voilà, you have religious life.

I can see a great expansion of religious life of one sort or another arising perhaps from among the many who find themselves “single in the world” but simply aren’t buying the well-meaning bromides about it.

 

[Michael19682]

• Relocation for work or other events later in life (after age 25) leading to a period of isolation, sometimes long-term;
• Few or no friends due to a variety of factors (e.g.- relocation, introverted personality, frequent moves, age and marital status, conversion, etc.);
• Estrangement from family members for a variety of reasons (including history of abuse and/or disownment);
• No babies/young children around (I’ve sometimes read that singles are called to be helpers and second or spiritual parents to others’ children, but what if you honestly don’t know anyone with kids?);
• Unemployment or underemployment limits ability to participate in charitable giving (too poor to be the material provider in any significant way, too “rich” to be “the poor”);
• Lack of skills and abilities that are typically given to build up the Church (what do you do if you can’t and are not specifically called in prayer to sing, cook, knit, teach, etc.?);
• Hesitant about ministering in certain situations due to safety issues (e.g.- a woman who is almost always walking alone may not think it wise to respond to panhandlers on the streets of a moderate to high crime city; I myself have experienced abuse and aggression while attempting to do this);
• Inability to join any long-term ministries due to frequent moves, distance from parish, cliquish communities, lack of transportation, and/or scheduling constraints due to work;
• Any other condition (life situation, mental or emotional state, major trauma, social class, cultural minority status, etc.) that might impede ones’ ability to associate with others.

My question is, how can one live a selfless life for others in the face of such prohibitions?

It also sounds like you have answered your own question. The sense of self you describe seems suffocated. I once had this conversation with someone: we joked, “How can you give away your life unless you have one?” The person I had the conversation with and I shared the same issue, both of us single, feeling like we had no lives. The cruel saying, “Get a life,” (which makes us feel like trash when we hear it), brings to mind a core issue: Everyone has a life; and when you feel that you don’t, it’s not because your life has gone to trash, but because it has been stolen from you, or because you yourself trashed it.
Practical advice to taking back your life can mean finding the apparent injustice that has brought you to this point of dejection, and bringing it to the attention of the church. Part of the Church’s mission is justice for the oppressed. Once you come to ‘peace’ (some would say ‘terms’) with what you have and are, nothing can harm you. Then you have “risen”. We are already well aware of that, are we not?
Take your example of always moving about and never getting your feet planted. If you are so devoid of companionship and friends, how could it hurt you to move to an area close to a Church, where you can find work and not have to be itinerant? How far are you willing to travel to meet Jesus in person?

 

[BarbTh]

Because I wanted to include your comments, I have had to put a reply in Part 1 and then Part 2 in the next post, due to wordcount problems I am very limited for time certainly today and tomorrow - hence if I am slow in coming back to this thread (which I will try anyway to avoid), I will be coming back nevertheless at some point.

OK, Barb, I’m having a little trouble grasping you here. We are all called to perfection: “be ye perfect” and so on… nobody is denying that. We are all vowed to reject sin, evil, and the devil, and to believe as the Apostles’ Creed states, for these are our baptismal vows. Nobody is denying that. We are all further called to close and intimate communion with Jesus Christ in every moment of our lives in the very individual manner given us both by nature and grace, whatever our outward state or situation. Nobody is denying that.

But in your first proof-text, a word that comes up continually is “choose.” In all of these threads about singleness, a key trait running through is that one is in a state of life that they haven’t really chosen, but in which they find themselves for a bevy of possible reasons. If there’s no sense of choseness or even of call, if there’s no sense of having aspired or attained to it, if there’s been no formation into the life, it’s not really a vocation. For some rare souls it might be, but most just seem to find themselves there due to circumstances beyond their control and are just trying to make the best of it.

**I think that your whole post has value and I certainly do feel for those in the lay celibate state but not at all through their own choice and volition – rather circumstances beyond their control seem to make them ‘stuck’ in this state of life but not through desire. As I wrote in a previous post into this thread, there is a failure of formation of the laity and I think too most specifically of celibate lay people. Of course, for many there is the option of a Third Order or some other institution within The Church that would offer formation – but not all feel called to this. I think for many (not all) it is a problem of identity, of searching for belonging and a sense of who they are. Very often, this can require counselling and possibly more skilled counselling than can be offered by priests or religious etc. It could be more a psychological problem than a spiritual one.

The Church is certainly very much aware of celibate lay people and that there are many of us who do desire to serve God and His Church, follow Jesus and His Gospel but not in any currently defined situation within The Church:**

I can see a great expansion of religious life of one sort or another arising perhaps from among the many who find themselves “single in the world” but simply aren’t buying the well-meaning bromides about it.

“Bromides” did give me a smile and the thought that it was too off the mark a noun for my reflections … “but simply aren’t buying the well-meaning bromides about it” is ONE perspective, attitude and concept!

**therealpresence.org/archives/Religious_Life/Religious_Life_033.htm
“There is a fourth category contemplated by the Holy See in anticipation of the new Code of Canon Law, so that something may be done for the thousands of women who seem not to want religious life yet seem to want to live especially dedicated lives in the Church. The secular institutes are a recent development of the Catholic Church. If there would be a fourth category, it would be some form of what we now call “secular institutes,” but the implications still have to be worked out.”

I think that since the above was written that the new Code of Canon Law has come out and without any change such as suggested above. I do believe personally however (my own concept and perspective) that the above does indicate that The Church as hierarchy is aware of lay celibates who cannot find their place in the structure of The Church and I also believe that eventually change will come, much as you mentioned some of our lay celibate saints out of who “voila religious life”.
It does become a problem, however, for those lay celibates who are floundering - and what to do in the interim. The first step in tackling a problem is to admit that one has a problem and then to strive to address it - and it can be addressed, is my attitude, if the person is willing to take the necessary steps. Rather regularly it seems to me it does rather regularly become a case of “poor me, I am miserable and nothing whatsoever can be done” which is not so. **

Is there a solution for this? It militates against our social nature strongly written into the natural law. One could say that such people are called to service of their families, but let’s be realistic and admit that it is the very crisis in the family today that has left so many afraid to love. And love is the very root of the Christian life and of every vocation, so we have a very fundamental problem here that isn’t going to be solved merely by favouring and promoting a rare vocation, sometimes bringing it to equality with the ecclesiastical vocations, because so many are living the state of life that it entails. As I said earlier, it is just the fruit of a broken society.

**Certainly, you are entitled to an opinion and perspective! If as a Church community overall, we are failing re love, then indeed we are failing and perhaps even failed and need to go right back to basics, which is indeed love to my mind, love of God and neighbour and to love neighbour as one loves oneself - it is basic, foundational and prime and the whole journey… full stop.**

 

[BarbTh]

Part 2

Now I’m not denying that there is much grace and many means of sanctification available to an unmarried person, much more than to married persons, if we take the instructions of St. Paul and of the Council of Trent very seriously. We can’t say that the Fathers who fled to the desert to live as hermits, that Benedict when he went to Monte Cassino, that Francis when he went to San Damiano, that Catherine of Siena were any more than celibate laypeople and they were among the greatest saints the Church has known. Consider that there were many celibate men and women in the Church from the time of the New Testament. But after a while that was not enough. They used their unbounded state to practice more prayer and penance than others had time for, then banded together for mutual support, wrote rules to govern their conduct, and, voilà, you have religious life.

**I agree with you here insofar as The Church is organic and the Mystical Body of Christ on earth and She changes and grows over time and there is no growth whatsoever without some sort of change - such is impossible. Where we are now as a Catholic community and Church is not necessarily where we will be at some point in the future. And I am not speaking about changing doctrine and dogma, teaching on Faith and Morals, which cannot change and will not change thankfully.

Possibly the ‘groaning’ we hear now from lay celibate people is the groaning of The Holy Spirit moving towards change. I certainly do not know, do not even have any answers. I do feel very strongly that The Church as hierarchy is aware of the situation (as per my quotation in my previous Post No. 1) – and I do believe that She hears and ponders, listens intently, for The Holy Spirit to lead.

I do not have actual answers for those who are in the lay celibate state and vocation but not from their own choice and volition - other than to read Church documents and other sound Catholic resource publications on the state of life – and to pray – to seek spiritual direction and to seek their path in this (for what I am convinced is) an interim stage in The Church’s journey where lay celibacy is concerned. There are no answers laid out clearly in a Document out of Rome specifically on the lay celibate vocation per se - this does not mean that there is not an answer, but it is one that each individual must seek for themselves.

Certainly, when I left monastic life in my early forties (now almost 69yrs age), I went through a very long period of years feeling that I had no vocation at all, that God was disinterested totally in me and my journey but I refused to give up leaning totally on the theology of The Church and that God is NEVER disinterested in any person whatsoever and their journey, though it was an act of the will and nothing whatsoever of what I could actually feel was true. Certainly, I found my path eventually through what I previously mentioned: prayer, spiritual direction, and reading all I could on the vocation of the laity. Along the way, I developed a very strong sense of belonging in The Church and my own identity. Who I am. I think this is a very personal evolution, while still remaining insofar as Catholic cultural consciousness is concerned and in The Church as a humanly functioning organization, very much on the fringes still, almost an outsider.

Certainly, having been ‘on the case’ of the vocation to lay celibacy for many years now, I am heartened indeed that nowadays people in this vocation by choice, or by lack of it, are speaking up far more often and more loudly than ever in the past. This is a very good thing to my mind, and the louder, longer and more often, the better - though we may not have answers, only pain and frustration. My own inclination, attitude and perspective, concept, is that we are indeed being heard and with Love and Compassion, Mercy : “The Lord hears the cry of the poor”.
And if I am going to write off prayer, Faith and trust in The Lord as unimportant on any level at all, then I have not even entered into the struggle, let alone have hope of finding a way THROUGH it. If I personally put aside such comments as trite and some sort of pious platitude not worth consideration, then I have lost before beginning.

Prayer, Faith and trust in The Lord is the only way through it all to my mind and without putting time limits and conditions on The Lord. **

 

[BarbTh]

Pontifical Council for The Laity : laici.va/content/laici/en.html

Contact Pontifical Council for the Laity: laici.va/content/laici/en/contatti.html

 

[Xantippe]

One angle to work on is the transportation. Once one has better transportation. all sorts of beautiful options open up. Could the OP save a small amount of money every month toward an inexpensive car? (That’s assuming the OP doesn’t have physical disabilities that make driving impossible)

Also, a second job might be a good idea (if health allows). It would kill at least two birds with one stone: it would enable the OP to save toward a car and it would provide opportunities to interact with others. Oh, and it would mean less time for loneliness and brooding. Ideally, the second job would be one that would require interactions with other employees or customers.

I was a Peace Corps Volunteer for two years as a single person, so I’m somewhat puzzled by the idea that singleness means not being able to do stuff for others. It’s quite the reverse, actually. The married life and parenthood provides many temptations to selfishness and avarice. As my husband and I quote back and forth to each other, “A married man will do anything for money.”