Singleness

[Skittles73]

Hi, I hope I am in the right place (I am new here) but I do have a question on singleness and the church. I am a 38 year old female and I have been married and been through a divorce but today live the single life. I have not dated since 2003 and as of now I am focusing on college to get a degree in history. I have noticed that most churches focus on the family, roles of family members. I also notice a lot of Christian single networks that are available to singles (which I think is more aimed at relationships that will lead to marriage). So I guess my main question is: does the Church still frown on extended singleness (will it ever be fully accepted)? I am catholic and I want to start going back to church but if I do, where would I really fit in if the focus is more on the family. I am not interested in marriage and/or dating, I do not have any children so I am slightly hesitant on how to proceed.
Thank you for any help.

 

[DavidFilmer]

In the eyes of the Church, you are still married (and it does not matter what sort of wedding you had). You just happen to be living apart from your husband. The Church does not recognize civil divorce.

However, there may be circumstances which rendered your marriage invalid. If that is the case, then you are not sacramentally married (and, actually, you never were).

The Church does not recognize a vocation to a single secular life. We are called to unite ourselves - either with a husband/wife or with the Church (which is the case for Religious and clergy - and Jesus, FWIW).

So, yes, the Church “frowns” on extended singleness, and it will never be accepted as a valid vocation (we should not aspire to remain single, but be open to the possibility of marriage or Religious life). Humans were not created to be solitary creatures.

Whether you are free to marry depends on the status of your original marriage. If it was, indeed, valid then you have accepted a vocation of matrimony, although you are not currently doing the usual things that married people do. Your priest can help you sort that out - he does it all the time.

But nobody “expects” you to be married. There are many people who desire to marry but never do - and that’s OK. The fact that you live alone should not deter you from participating in your Catholic parish. I cannot think of any Parish activities that are designed for husband and wife together (and, come to think of it, my wife and I rarely do the same things, so we usually participate in things without the other). You should be able to fully participate in parish life without feeling that you don’t belong.

 

[Rence]

The Church does not recognize a vocation to a single secular life. We are called to unite ourselves - either with a husband/wife or with the Church (which is the case for Religious and clergy - and Jesus, FWIW).

So, yes, the Church “frowns” on extended singleness, and it will never be accepted as a valid vocation (we should not aspire to remain single, but be open to the possibility of marriage or Religious life). Humans were not created to be solitary creatures.

I don’t mean to be picky, but can you please provide references for this teaching? I have never heard of it. I am single, and have no idea if I will get married or not, and if I do, it will probably be at menopause. I know I’m not living a sinful life. Yet, at the same time, you say this:

But nobody “expects” you to be married. There are many people who desire to marry but never do - and that’s OK…

Can you please explain what you mean by the former two paragraphs and the one right above? The two contradict each other.

 

[NFrancis]

I don’t mean to be picky, but can you please provide references for this teaching? I have never heard of it. I am single, and have no idea if I will get married or not, and if I do, it will probably be at menopause. I know I’m not living a sinful life. Yet, at the same time, you say this:

Can you please explain what you mean by the former two paragraphs and the one right above? The two contradict each other.

Yeah. I agree. I have never heard of that either.

 

[NFrancis]

Hi, I hope I am in the right place (I am new here) but I do have a question on singleness and the church. I am a 38 year old female and I have been married and been through a divorce but today live the single life. I have not dated since 2003 and as of now I am focusing on college to get a degree in history. I have noticed that most churches focus on the family, roles of family members. I also notice a lot of Christian single networks that are available to singles (which I think is more aimed at relationships that will lead to marriage). So I guess my main question is: does the Church still frown on extended singleness (will it ever be fully accepted)? I am catholic and I want to start going back to church but if I do, where would I really fit in if the focus is more on the family. I am not interested in marriage and/or dating, I do not have any children so I am slightly hesitant on how to proceed.
Thank you for any help.

I think you should start going to Mass and since you have been away from the Church I would recommend that you schedule an appointment for the sacrament of reconciliation so that you can be absolved of your sins and the Holy Spirit may come upon and heal any damage that sin may have done to you. You could also talk to the priest about any concerns you may have. Just look up catholic parishes in your area online and find one near you. Then find a number to call the parish office and ask to schedule an appointment with a priest for reconciliation and maybe to talk about any concerns you may have.

 

[DavidFilmer]

I don’t mean to be picky, but can you please provide references for this teaching?

The first point (that the Church regards all marriages as valid until proven otherwise) is Canon Law:

Marriage enjoys the favour of law. Consequently, in doubt the validity of a marriage must be upheld until the contrary is proven.

Code of Canon Law (1983), #1060​

The second point (that the Church does not recognize a secular single vocation) could be better expressed: the Church does not recognize an uncommitted single vocation (the word “secular,” though accurate (meaning not connected with religion) is not the best word).

This is the teaching of the Church:

God created man in His own image and likeness: calling him to existence through love, He called him at the same time for love.God is love and in Himself He lives a mystery of personal loving communion. Creating the human race in His own image and continually keeping it in being, God inscribed in the humanity of man and woman the vocation, and thus the capacity and responsibility, of love and communion. Love is therefore the fundamental and innate vocation of every human being.

Pope John Paul II, Familiaris Consortio, 11​

The Church does, however, recognize “consecrated virgins” - people who forsake marriage and sexual pleasure in order to serve the people of God. This is a committed form of celibacy:

While this perfect chastity is the subject of one of the three vows which constitute the religious state, and is also required by the Latin Church of clerics in major orders and demanded from members of Secular Institutes (Cf. apostolic constitution Provida Mater, art. III, section 2), it also flourishes among many who are lay people in the full sense: men and women who are not constituted in a public state of perfection and yet by private promise or vow completely abstain from marriage and sexual pleasures, in order to serve their neighbor more freely and to be united with God more easily and more closely.

Pope Pius XII, Sacra Virginitas, 6​

The Church recognizes a committed single vocation as a means to better serve the people of God. This is not a “loophole” for people who simply do not wish to marry. Such a person may not say, “Ah, I’m a consecrated virgin” and go about living an ordinary secular life. In order to have such a vocation, you must be engaged in service to the people of God for which marriage would present an impediment. If you want to spend your life in the Peace Corps, maybe this is a good thing to consider.

Pope John Paul II teaches that our ultimate vocation is love. You cannot have love without commitment. There is no such thing as an uncommitted single vocation, because such a vocation precludes love (except maybe love of self).

The two contradict each other.

I’ll cite the Catechism (because it says it better than I do):

We must also remember the great number of single persons who, because of the particular circumstances in which they have to live – often not of their choosing – are especially close to Jesus’ heart and therefore deserve the special affection and active solicitude of the Church, especially of pastors. Many remain without a human family often due to conditions of poverty. Some live their situation in the spirit of the Beatitudes, serving God and neighbor in exemplary fashion. The doors of homes, the “domestic churches,” and of the great family which is the Church must be open to all of them. “No one is without a family in this world: the Church is a home and family for everyone, especially those who ‘labor and are heavy laden.’”

Catechism of the Catholic Church, #1658​

 

[Aelred_Minor]

Regarding Single Life, a quote from the Catechism of the Catholic Church:

1658 We must also remember the great number of single persons who, because of the particular circumstances in which they have to live - often not of their choosing - are especially close to Jesus’ heart and therefore deserve the special affection and active solicitude of the Church, especially of pastors. Many remain without a human family often due to conditions of poverty. Some live their situation in the spirit of the Beatitudes, serving God and neighbor in exemplary fashion. the doors of homes, the “domestic churches,” and of the great family which is the Church must be open to all of them. “No one is without a family in this world: the Church is a home and family for everyone, especially those who ‘labor and are heavy laden.’”

vatican.va/archive/ENG0015/__P56.HTM

 

[Aelred_Minor]

DavidFilmer beat me to the last Catechism quote.

The unconsecrated single life is obviously everyone’s defaut setting. If you don’t make any kind of commitment in your life, you remain in this unconsecrated single life. Failing to make such a commitment can be an expression of selfishness, but it may also be the product of circumstance. Many people simply do not have the natural gifts required for any other vocation. I like to make the connection to those three siblings: Mary, Martha, and Lazarus. Mary is the type of the contemplative vocation. Martha is the type of the active vocation. And Lazarus is, perhaps, the type of the person whose weakness is so great he can’t do any of that, yet through him Jesus works a greater miracle than any other, simply by giving him life.

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.’ I will rather boast most gladly of my weakness, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

 

[Rence]

The first point (that the Church regards all marriages as valid until proven otherwise) is Canon Law:

Ok, you meant that she has to get an annullment. It’s true the Church regards all marriages as valid until proven otherwise. However, the Church also recognizes that sometimes there is a need for divorce, and does not require the couple to have it annulled. And actually, some never get it annulled for various reasons. But you can still live separately, or single, you just can’t date others. This is the Church requirement of a civily divorced person.

The second point (that the Church does not recognize a secular single vocation) could be
better expressed: the Church does not recognize an uncommitted single vocation (the word “secular,” though accurate (meaning not connected with religion) is not the best word).

This is the teaching of the Church: "God created man in His own image and likeness: calling him to existence through love, He called him at the same time for love.God is love and in Himself He lives a mystery of personal loving communion. Creating the human race in His own image and continually keeping it in being, God inscribed in the humanity of man and woman the vocation, and thus the capacity and responsibility, of love and communion. Love is therefore the fundamental and innate vocation of every human being.

Pope John Paul II, Familiaris Consortio, 11"

The above quote does not prove that one has to get married. Nor does it forbid one from remaining single. Where is it written that being single is forbidden?

The Church does, however, recognize “consecrated virgins” - people who forsake marriage and sexual pleasure in order to serve the people of God. This is a committed form of celibacy:

"While this perfect chastity is the subject of one of the three vows which constitute the religious state, and is also required by the Latin Church of clerics in major orders and demanded from members of Secular Institutes (Cf. apostolic constitution Provida Mater, art. III, section 2), it also flourishes among many who are lay people in the full sense: men and women who are not constituted in a public state of perfection and yet by private promise or vow completely abstain from marriage and sexual pleasures, in order to serve their neighbor more freely and to be united with God more easily and more closely.
Pope Pius XII, Sacra Virginitas, 6 "

This also does not forbid a single life. Where does it say that one cannot live a single life? The above is what PPXII would like, not what is required. This is not a requirement of the Church to be either married or consecrated.

The Church recognizes a committed single vocation as a means to better serve the people of God. This is not a “loophole” for people who simply do not wish to marry. Such a person may not say, “Ah, I’m a consecrated virgin” and go about living an ordinary secular life. In order to have such a vocation, you must be engaged in service to the people of God for which marriage would present an impediment. If you want to spend your life in the Peace Corps, maybe this is a good thing to consider.

Is “committed single vocation” something you saw at the Vatican website? because even in your quotes, I don’t see it written. We don’t need a loophole for not getting married. We don’t have to be married or be some sort of clergy/lay religious/whatever as long as we don’t live a life of debauchery. A clean life does not rule out living a single life. Where does it say you can’t live an ordinary secular life? And what is an “ordinary secular life” and who defines it?

Pope John Paul II teaches that our ultimate vocation is love. You cannot have love without commitment. There is no such thing as an uncommitted single vocation, because such a vocation precludes love (except maybe love of self).

I’ll cite the Catechism (because it says it better than I do):
"We must also remember the great number of single persons who, because of the particular circumstances in which they have to live – often not of their choosing – are especially close to Jesus’ heart and therefore deserve the special affection and active solicitude of the Church, especially of pastors. Many remain without a human family often due to conditions of poverty. Some live their situation in the spirit of the Beatitudes, serving God and neighbor in exemplary fashion. The doors of homes, the “domestic churches,” and of the great family which is the Church must be open to all of them. “No one is without a family in this world: the Church is a home and family for everyone, especially those who ‘labor and are heavy laden.’”

The above quote from the catechism in no way forbids a single secular life. It in no way says you have to get married or lead a religous life. And I have to tell you, no priest has ever told me that I have to get married, or lead a religious life. They know quite well that I am single, and that if I ever do get married, it will be later in life. I don’t see anything in the quotes you came up with that forbid my lifestyle.

 

[Rence]

DavidFilmer beat me to the last Catechism quote.

The unconsecrated single life is obviously everyone’s defaut setting. If you don’t make any kind of commitment in your life, you remain in this unconsecrated single life. Failing to make such a commitment can be an expression of selfishness, but it may also be the product of circumstance. Many people simply do not have the natural gifts required for any other vocation. I like to make the connection to those three siblings: Mary, Martha, and Lazarus. Mary is the type of the contemplative vocation. Martha is the type of the active vocation. And Lazarus is, perhaps, the type of the person whose weakness is so great he can’t do any of that, yet through him Jesus works a greater miracle than any other, simply by giving him life.

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.’ I will rather boast most gladly of my weakness, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

I’m sorry, with all due respect, these are your opinions, which you are very much entitled to. So is DavidFilmer. But there is no such Church teaching, rule or law that says you have to get married. There is no such Church teaching, rule or law that says you cannot remain single. The only requirement is that if you live a single lifestyle, that you have to keep it clean according to the teachings of the Church (no sex, etc.) There is no such Church teaching that says you have to either be married or committed to some religious life. None at all.

 

[RosaryFan]

I am really confused. I always thought “single” was, in fact, a vocation. I never thought everyone was called to be either married or religious.

There is certainly a role in the Church for those who are single. We are all called to live a Christian life and to set examples for others as Christians. I don’t see any reason why the single vocation would be excluded from this. Single people can just as effectively set a good Christian example as any married or religious person.

I found this definition on a web site which better explains my point of view:

"All are called to live their life joined to Christ in Baptism. For many, single life becomes the best way to fulfill their vocation whether being “single” is a choice or a circumstance.

Accepting the vocation of the single life means choosing to serve God as a member of the laity. Single persons serve the Christian family through acts of love and service, in a variety of lay ministries. Living a single life invites individuals to make a difference in their community and world as Jesus did. "

 

[DavidFilmer]

Where is it written that being single is forbidden?

Woah, who said anything about “forbidden?” I said the Church does not recognize any such thing as an uncommitted single vocation (and I said that because She does not). Nobody is “called” by God to live an uncommitted single secular life.

The above is what PPXII would like, not what is required.

When a Pope issues a Papal Encyclical, it is the teaching of the Church, not his personal opinion. You asked me to cite Church teaching, and I did so. If you wish to challenge the teaching authority of the Pope then you should probably open a new thread.

Is “committed single vocation” something you saw at the Vatican website?

No, it is my attempt to summarize the teaching of the Church in a short phrase. My first attempt was “secular single vocation,” which is not inaccurate, but I think “uncommitted” is much better. I’m open to other suggestions.

We don’t need a loophole for not getting married.

True, but a person living an uncommitted single secular life is not fulfilling any vocation which is recognized by the Catholic Church (and he or she should not imagine otherwise).

And what is an “ordinary secular life” and who defines it?

The Church does not define what an “ordinary secular life” is, but the Church does define what constitutes an unmarried, non-Religious vocation (see Sacra Virginitas, cited above). Anything else is not considered a vocation by the Catholic Church.

And I have to tell you, no priest has ever told me that I have to get married, or lead a religious life.

And I’m not telling you that either! All that I am telling you is that the Catholic Church does not recognize any such thing as an uncommitted secular single vocation. I thought that was what you were asking about.

 

[stevicus]

True, but a person living an uncommitted single secular life is not fulfilling any vocation which is recognized by the Catholic Church (and he or she should not imagine otherwise).

The Church does not define what an “ordinary secular life” is, but the Church does define what constitutes an unmarried, non-Religious vocation (see Sacra Virginitas, cited above). Anything else is not considered a vocation by the Catholic Church.

And I’m not telling you that either! All that I am telling you is that the Catholic Church does not recognize any such thing as an uncommitted secular single vocation. I thought that was what you were asking about.

I’m not quite clear exactly what this actually means. I’ve only just recently come back to the Church after 30-35 years away. For a variety of reasons unrelated to the topic of this thread, I never got married, but I admit was not following the teachings of the Church.

But if I understand what you’re saying here, the Church teaches that people should get married (if they’re not choosing a religious vocation), but that it’s not an absolute requirement.

 

[DavidFilmer]

But if I understand what you’re saying here, the Church teaches that people should get married (if they’re not choosing a religious vocation), but that it’s not an absolute requirement.

“Should” is a strong word - I would say that the Church says it is “good” to accept a vocation of marriage or some type of consecrated life. It is certainly not a requirement of any kind (absolute or otherwise).

Pope John Paul II teaches that our ultimate vocation is love. The Church recognizes various ways we can accept that vocation. A singular, secular life is not one of them (but a single life of service is). Nobody is called by God to live a single secular life.

Accepting a vocation can bring us closer to God and give us a sense of joy and contentment. Declining a vocation can have the opposite effect. But we are not required to accept a vocation, and declining it is not sinful.

 

[Brett1980]

You may want to watch this video called:

Vocation to the single life

youtube.com/watch?v=ZT19nQaLxQc

 

[Rence]

Woah, who said anything about “forbidden?” I said the Church does not recognize any such thing as an uncommitted single vocation (and I said that because She does not). Nobody is “called” by God to live an uncommitted single secular life.

Well good, I’m glad you’re not telling people that a single life is forbidden The Church does recognize that people are called to single life. And I am called to a single life – at least for now.

When a Pope issues a Papal Encyclical, it is the teaching of the Church, not his personal opinion. You asked me to cite Church teaching, and I did so. If you wish to challenge the teaching authority of the Pope then you should probably open a new thread.

That’s okay, I don’t wish to challenge a non-teaching

No, it is my attempt to summarize the teaching of the Church in a short phrase. My first attempt was “secular single vocation,” which is not inaccurate, but I think “uncommitted” is much better. I’m open to other suggestions.

True, but a person living an uncommitted single secular life is not fulfilling any vocation which is recognized by the Catholic Church (and he or she should not imagine otherwise).

The Church does not define what an “ordinary secular life” is, but the Church does define what constitutes an unmarried, non-Religious vocation (see Sacra Virginitas, cited above). Anything else is not considered a vocation by the Catholic Church.

Well, I’m glad you, as a layperson can come up with these conclusions But you’ll forgive me if I weigh the words of priests over someone I have met online Being single is a vocation. It’s a way of life, and a calling to that way of life, just like being married or having a religious life.

And I’m not telling you that either! All that I am telling you is that the Catholic Church does not recognize any such thing as an uncommitted secular single vocation. I thought that was what you were asking about.

The Church recognizes that there will be individuals that will never be married, nor join the religious, and does not require that they live otherwise as long as they are living chastely. I know for a fact that I am not called by God to a life of marriage (at least not yet), and I know that I am not called by God to a religous life. I am called by God to a life of being single…at least for now, and I’m not called to rush to do anything otherwise.

 

[Rence]

“Should” is a strong word - I would say that the Church says it is “good” to accept a vocation of marriage or some type of consecrated life. It is certainly not a requirement of any kind (absolute or otherwise).

Pope John Paul II teaches that our ultimate vocation is love. The Church recognizes various ways we can accept that vocation. A singular, secular life is not one of them (but a single life of service is). Nobody is called by God to live a single secular life.

Accepting a vocation can bring us closer to God and give us a sense of joy and contentment. Declining a vocation can have the opposite effect. But we are not required to accept a vocation, and declining it is not sinful.

That’s a very odd opinion, but you’re certainly entitled to have it In my singlular secular life, I am happier than I have ever been. I am blessed more than words can describe. I know I’m not called to a religous life at all. However if someone special enough comes along, I’d probably be open to it. But as I said in my last post, I’m not compelled to change the way I live. If it happens, it happens. At nearing menopause it may or may not actually happen. But up till now…I’ve been called to a single secular life.

 

[Brett1980]

Well I asked a priest about this half an hour ago and he said its fine to be single.

 

[DavidFilmer]

Well I asked a priest about this half an hour ago and he said its fine to be single.

Where do people get this idea that I ever said it was not? Sheesh, Rence thought I had said it was “forbidden.” I’ve reread my posts - I never said any such thing.

I will say it again (for the umpteenth time):

The Catholic Church does not recognize the existence of a single, non-committed (secular) vocation.
There is no such thing.

If you choose that life, fine, but you ARE NOT living a vocation - and don’t fool yourself into thinking that you are. It’s OK to not live a vocation - it is not required (and it’s not evil or sinful not to do so). But, if you are in a non-committed single life, you are NOT living any vocation that is recognized by the Catholic Church. If you say you are then you are wrong.

It’s PERFECTLY OK to be single for your entire life - but it’s not a vocation.

If you think I’m wrong, feel free to prove it. I’ve demonstrated that Church teaching recognizes a single, non-secular (committed) vocation. If the Church recognizes any other type of single vocation, feel free to cite the teaching.

 

[Monica4316]

The Church does not recognize a vocation to a single secular life. We are called to unite ourselves - either with a husband/wife or with the Church (which is the case for Religious and clergy - and Jesus, FWIW).

So, yes, the Church “frowns” on extended singleness, and it will never be accepted as a valid vocation (we should not aspire to remain single, but be open to the possibility of marriage or Religious life). Humans were not created to be solitary creatures.

with all due respect I’m not sure if this is the Church teaching. There were Saints and blesseds who never married neither were they religious. They used their life to serve God though. A person could still be united with Jesus even if they have not been called to religious life. There are also “consecrated virgins” who live in the world, they are single yet not religious.

To the OP: of course you are welcome God bless