Singles. The forgotten people of my diocese.

[EasterJoy]

The dioceses offers nothing for singles. They are putting on a special mass soon celebrating all the married people and religious. Singles not invited…

I have never heard of a Mass like this excluding unmarried people. While it may seem unappreciative to have a Mass for married people and religious and not for those who are single, the idea is to promote perseverance in a vowed vocation.

A single person has not made a definitive choice other than the common definitive choice of having been initiated into the Church, and so requires a different sort of perseverance than someone who has made vows (that is, the perseverance to be open to the call to vows in favor of a more definitive commitment or else to serve God and neighbor as actively and whole-heartedly as if the person had a specific vow binding them to do so).

 

[pianistclare]

If I were in your shoes, I would just elbow my way in there anyway, and make myself enough of a nuisance until people actually took me seriously. I did just that with the Lenten Women’s Bible Study. It was mainly geared toward empty nesters, but I went anyway and brought along my baby. It was wonderful. I got to see just how girlish and insecure and desiring to be pleasing to God that the older ladies were. Many (most, all?) women never outgrow their girlishness with respect to friendships and personalities, which you can see if you get to know them. So I say it is hogwash that a younger woman wouldn’t enjoy the company of her elders. Furthermore, can they REALLY tell you no to volunteering? I would show up on their doorstep anyway. Keep getting your foot in the door with this kind of stuff, and keep asking about being a reader or an EMHC. Talk with the pastor about your desire to serve in a ministry. Ask where there might be a place for you.
Just don’t give up! Remind these people that young adults and single folk have an important role in the Body of Christ, too, and that you want to build up the parish and help carry it forward with them, and someday, for them.
God bless you and good luck!

AGREED. IN SPADES.
Listen, the problem is not that there’s no place for you. The problem is the people who are viewing their groups as cliques. They are not making ROOM for anyone else.
This is a problem in parishes that lament that there’s no stewardship, but when people sign up to wash the altar linens, the women who already do this make it clear they don’t need your help, don’t want your help, and then proceed to complain tot he pastor about how hard they work. It’s a way of making oneself seem indispensable and NEEDED.
What they need is a good dose of reality.
As Xan said, what happens when everyone dies and no one knows where anything is, how the priest likes things done, or someone wants a different point of view for a change.

Show up at the Bible study. Have something to say. Speak your mind. They cannot exclude you. These little groups want to exclude people. But it’s a church, not a social hall.
If they want to visit with their friends every Tuesday morning, they can host coffee and gossip at their homes. Seriously, the Woman’s bible study at my parish died because Father attended one of their session and said what are you all doing here with a Bible in front of you, and not one of them open to a page? How hard can it be? pick a passage, everybody read it, think about it, and share next time! He began his own Bible study group, and it was filled to capacity because they actually talked about the Bible! Go figure!
:dts:
No.
You go to anything you want to go to OP, you make yourself a spot, and if someone is not welcoming, ask them why their group is advertised in the bulletin. Presumably it’s for anyone who is interested. Period.
Next, there ARE things you can do, and get others who are frustrated like yourself involved. They are out there. Feeling left out.
We found out that there were children in our area in a particular subdivision (trailer park) that were not eating lunch each day since they were not in school for the free lunch during the summer. A woman in the parish spoke at all the Masses, asked for donations and ask people to come out every Weds morning to make sandwiches. She asked for cash to buy cases of fruit. She asked people to donate bottled water, bake homemade cookies, and buy single pack chips. She approached SPECIFIC groups (like the Over-50 Club, which, hilariously is all over 70) to cover the lunch meat. They did. People of all ages now come to church to make and pack lunches, and then to deliver the lunches. We are now one of 3 parishes that cover an entire week. It’s a flurry of summertime activity, but during the other months, people can always donate a small check for next time around.
Volunteering goes out into the community. Some of the children we feed are our own parishioners, And some think our church actually lives out it’s mission and have started coming to Mass and inquiring about the faith.
Put your self anywhere you want to be dear.
Anywhere.
And when people see that you are a go-getter…then go start a ministry of your own. The only difference will be…all are welcome.

People can’t complain about stewardship when the parishioners hoard their ministries.
A good topic for a homily.

 

[Xantippe]

I have never heard of a Mass like this excluding unmarried people. While it may seem unappreciative to have a Mass for married people and religious and not for those who are single, the idea is to promote perseverance in a vowed vocation.

A single person has not made a definitive choice other than the common definitive choice of having been initiated into the Church, and so requires a different sort of perseverance than someone who has made vows (that is, the perseverance to be open to the call to vows in favor of a more definitive commitment or else to serve God and neighbor as actively and whole-heartedly as if the person had a specific vow binding them to do so).

Come to think of it, I bet a lot of singles came to that Mass–namely the children of the married people who were being honored.

Amy

 

[Xantippe]

AGREED. IN SPADES.
Listen, the problem is not that there’s no place for you. The problem is the people who are viewing their groups as cliques. They are not making ROOM for anyone else.
This is a problem in parishes that lament that there’s no stewardship, but when people sign up to wash the altar linens, the women who already do this make it clear they don’t need your help, don’t want your help, and then proceed to complain tot he pastor about how hard they work. It’s a way of making oneself seem indispensable and NEEDED.
What they need is a good dose of reality.
As Xan said, what happens when everyone dies and no one knows where anything is, how the priest likes things done, or someone wants a different point of view for a change.

Show up at the Bible study. Have something to say. Speak your mind. They cannot exclude you. These little groups want to exclude people. But it’s a church, not a social hall.
If they want to visit with their friends every Tuesday morning, they can host coffee and gossip at their homes. Seriously, the Woman’s bible study at my parish died because Father attended one of their session and said what are you all doing here with a Bible in front of you, and not one of them open to a page? How hard can it be? pick a passage, everybody read it, think about it, and share next time! He began his own Bible study group, and it was filled to capacity because they actually talked about the Bible! Go figure!
:dts:
No.
You go to anything you want to go to OP, you make yourself a spot, and if someone is not welcoming, ask them why their group is advertised in the bulletin. Presumably it’s for anyone who is interested. Period.
Next, there ARE things you can do, and get others who are frustrated like yourself involved. They are out there. Feeling left out.
We found out that there were children in our area in a particular subdivision (trailer park) that were not eating lunch each day since they were not in school for the free lunch during the summer. A woman in the parish spoke at all the Masses, asked for donations and ask people to come out every Weds morning to make sandwiches. She asked for cash to buy cases of fruit. She asked people to donate bottled water, bake homemade cookies, and buy single pack chips. She approached SPECIFIC groups (like the Over-50 Club, which, hilariously is all over 70) to cover the lunch meat. They did. People of all ages now come to church to make and pack lunches, and then to deliver the lunches. We are now one of 3 parishes that cover an entire week. It’s a flurry of summertime activity, but during the other months, people can always donate a small check for next time around.
Volunteering goes out into the community. Some of the children we feed are our own parishioners, And some think our church actually lives out it’s mission and have started coming to Mass and inquiring about the faith.
Put your self anywhere you want to be dear.
Anywhere.
And when people see that you are a go-getter…then go start a ministry of your own. The only difference will be…all are welcome.

People can’t complain about stewardship when the parishioners hoard their ministries.
A good topic for a homily.

Yes–there is no lack of things that ought to be done.

 

[Aggie414]

We’ve been struggling to get participants in our singles group – and sometimes we have trouble getting the priests to support us. They “don’t want to encourage divorce people to date.” Well, that’s fine and good; but, one, we’re not having any dating events – we’re doing things like Bible studies, watching the Father Barron video series on Catholicism. But my main beef with that statement is some of us have NEVER been married. We are allowed to have a place in the church, too. Usually my Deacon talks me down, though

 

[pianistclare]

We’ve been struggling to get participants in our singles group – and sometimes we have trouble getting the priests to support us. They “don’t want to encourage divorce people to date.” Well, that’s fine and good; but, one, we’re not having any dating events – we’re doing things like Bible studies, watching the Father Barron video series on Catholicism. But my main beef with that statement is some of us have NEVER been married. We are allowed to have a place in the church, too. Usually my Deacon talks me down, though

We had the same struggle, UNTIL we began calling it the Young Adult group. We got a lot of young marrieds. They have unmarried siblings & unmarried Catholic friends from college that are looking for single Catholic women. Loads of them. The Young Adult Catholics welcomes marrieds and singles alike. The only limitation, was NO KIDS, no discussing kids.
Went over well, and many people met people to possibly date and at least hang out with.
God bless!

Go Lobos!

 

[JamalChristophr]

We’ve been struggling to get participants in our singles group – and sometimes we have trouble getting the priests to support us. They “don’t want to encourage divorce people to date.” Well, that’s fine and good; but, one, we’re not having any dating events – we’re doing things like Bible studies, watching the Father Barron video series on Catholicism. But my main beef with that statement is some of us have NEVER been married. We are allowed to have a place in the church, too. Usually my Deacon talks me down, though

Wow, really? That’s saddening.

“To whom much is given, much will be required.”

 

[Xantippe]

We had the same struggle, UNTIL we began calling it the Young Adult group. We got a lot of young marrieds. They have unmarried siblings & unmarried Catholic friends from college that are looking for single Catholic women. Loads of them. The Young Adult Catholics welcomes marrieds and singles alike. The only limitation, was NO KIDS, no discussing kids.
Went over well, and many people met people to possibly date and at least hang out with.
God bless!

Go Lobos!

Very good!

At the Newman Center where my husband and I met, it was the “Graduate and Young Professional Group” (i.e. not undergraduates). As I recall, one of the “young professional couples” was probably 45 and had 4+ kids, but they enjoyed the study groups and the speakers.

 

[thequeen]

Whoever told you that you wouldn’t fit in with 70 year olds don’t know what they are talking about I volunteered at a Catholic retirement residence staffed by sisters in the habit when I was in my twenties and they were glad to see me every week I am now 49 and I have never been married I was told that I wouldn’t fit in the women’s guild because it was mostly married women with children but I joined anyway and was named guild member of the year in 2002 so you hang in there and don’t let anyone hold you back.

 

[thequeen]

Come to think of it, I bet a lot of singles came to that Mass–namely the children of the married people who were being honored.

Amy

I bet they did also and I am sure it was announced in the bulletin We had a mass like this at my Parish and my priest made sure that everyone single and married knew they were welcome. And maybe you could see about having a mass for single people Our parish had one.

 

[Kay_Cee]

But do not limit the age for the Singles Club! There are some never married that are over fifty (like me) and you may find some of those ‘old fuddie duddies’ may have the same fealings/interest as the younger singles.

Agreed. It especially shouldn’t be limited to twenty-somethings. On the other hand, there should be a lower age limit. I once joined a parish Singles Club, showed up for a meeting, and discovered some of my current high school students there. They were letting in everybody over the age of 16 or so. Talk about an awkward situation. I couldn’t ask them to change their rules for one high school teacher, so I had to drop out.

 

[Elizium23]

Yes, divorced people have an awkward position in the Church, more so than never-married people. I can understand clergy’s reluctance to condone “singles groups” that include people who are married and should not be dating. However, there is plenty for divorced people to do in the Church if they look. Knights of Columbus, Women’s Sodality, ministry to the poor and homebound, etc. etc. Singles groups should be for single people to mix and meet without having to worry about the marital status of the other members.

As a forty-something guy, I have also become alienated from “Young Adults” type groups which includes some of the singles groups. This makes me sad because it reminds me how much of a square peg I am for not getting married at the correct age.

But none of this has prevented me from getting involved and staying that way. I am a choir member, KofC Recording Secretary, paid receptionist, and inactive sacristan and altar server. I thankfully found a parish with plenty of activities for me to fit in. Sometimes you have to “go shopping” for one that fits your state in life. However, the OP is not in the USA. The OP may not have a church on every corner and two dozen within easy driving distance. If it is really his/her whole diocese then s/he truly has my pity.

 

[thequeen]

My husband was offered a music ministry job at a parish that was all funerals and no baptisms. He didn’t take it because we wanted a parish that was going to still be there in ten years. I think the best course of action is for you to suggest to the pastor or the parish council that they need to find ways to encourage, support, and invite the younger members of the parish who don’t have children. I will say, this is a common problem in many if not most parishes in the US. They have lots of programs for youth and children and for the elderly, but not much for the young adults. I remember making a comment to a parish member regarding the scheduling of the women’s bible study at lunch time on every other Tuesday. She just couldn’t understand why that time might be difficult for any women to make.

Does she not realize that the majority of young single women have to work for a living and would not be avaialabe at that time.

 

[Aggie414]

We had the same struggle, UNTIL we began calling it the Young Adult group. We got a lot of young marrieds. They have unmarried siblings & unmarried Catholic friends from college that are looking for single Catholic women. Loads of them. The Young Adult Catholics welcomes marrieds and singles alike. The only limitation, was NO KIDS, no discussing kids.
Went over well, and many people met people to possibly date and at least hang out with.
God bless!

Go Lobos!

The problem that our groups has is we are in a college town – home of the Fightin’ Texas Aggies – so when you say young adults, you get YOUNG adults. This group is geared more towards the over 25 crowd – most of us are over 40. We’re trying to distinguish it from the college crowd to give those of us who are no longer in college (or freshly out of college) a place to be with like people.

 

[chevalier]

So I’m a single 20-something Catholic women and feel no place in the Church. Well, not in my diocese anyway. (I’m not in America BTW)
My Parish is pretty small, mostly seniors and a few families, the only young ones only make an appearance when it’s time to baptize their baby.
There’s no opportunity to help out at my Parish - the jobs are few and are taken. I can’t volunteer with the Charity run by my church because I was told I was too young and won’t fit in with the over 70’s. They actually told me this.
The SAME people every single week do the readings, hand out communion and the few other Parish jobs.
There’s never an opportunity to do anything unless you have a child you can put in Faith Formation or the occasional ‘theology of the body’ classes they run for couples.

The dioceses offers nothing for singles. They are putting on a special mass soon celebrating all the married people and religious. Singles not invited.

What can I do? How can I help but feel unloved?
Why can’t we be more friendly to singles?

I feel like I can’t participate in my Parish and it’s lonely.

The parish celebrates vocations. Priesthood, religious life and marriage are vocation. Being single is not, unless it’s a consecrated sort, which is basically like being religious except not living in a monastery or convent, and the oldest form of consecrated life actually (something like a lay nun or brother). ‘Singles’ in the popular sense, in a Catholic parish, are probably mostly people who haven’t discerned their vocations yet, or who can’t live their vocation yet for some reason.

Celebrating singles as singles could send the wrong message by appearing to be a confirmation of the modern single lifestyle, which more often than not entails being sexually active, just not committing.

It would perhaps be more prudent to refer to ‘singles’ as those who haven’t discerned their vocation yet or haven’t found a way to live it, for example a person to marry, and pray for them to find guidance and aid.

As for the parish getting involved in match-making (singles’ evenings and such like), that sounds like a useful ministry for a layperson, but not an essential thing on the religious side for priests and bishops to take care of, not any more than they can or should look for jobs for us.

 

[pianistclare]

The parish celebrates vocations. Priesthood, religious life and marriage are vocation. Being single is not, unless it’s a consecrated sort, which is basically like being religious except not living in a monastery or convent, and the oldest form of consecrated life actually (something like a lay nun or brother). ‘Singles’ in the popular sense, in a Catholic parish, are probably mostly people who haven’t discerned their vocations yet, or who can’t live their vocation yet for some reason.

Celebrating singles as singles could send the wrong message by appearing to be a confirmation of the modern single lifestyle, which more often than not entails being sexually active, just not committing.

It would perhaps be more prudent to refer to ‘singles’ as those who haven’t discerned their vocation yet or haven’t found a way to live it, for example a person to marry, and pray for them to find guidance and aid.

As for the parish getting involved in match-making (singles’ evenings and such like), that sounds like a useful ministry for a layperson, but not an essential thing on the religious side for priests and bishops to take care of, not any more than they can or should look for jobs for us.

interesting…
I was just thinking this as well…my pastor wants a young adult group and wants it to function as a faith sharing group…not as a place to meet singles.
Single Catholics really don’t have many options really, once you are out of college…it’s just go to Mass and hope you meet someone after Mass at donuts!

 

[JamalChristophr]

Maybe this has already been mentioned, but I do believe the internet can be a great way for singles to meet like in Ave Maria Singles and other places.

 

[Luvz2travel]

So I’m a single 20-something Catholic women and feel no place in the Church. Well, not in my diocese anyway. (I’m not in America BTW)
My Parish is pretty small, mostly seniors and a few families, the only young ones only make an appearance when it’s time to baptize their baby.
There’s no opportunity to help out at my Parish - the jobs are few and are taken. I can’t volunteer with the Charity run by my church because I was told I was too young and won’t fit in with the over 70’s. They actually told me this.
The SAME people every single week do the readings, hand out communion and the few other Parish jobs.
There’s never an opportunity to do anything unless you have a child you can put in Faith Formation or the occasional ‘theology of the body’ classes they run for couples.

The dioceses offers nothing for singles. They are putting on a special mass soon celebrating all the married people and religious. Singles not invited.

What can I do? How can I help but feel unloved?
Why can’t we be more friendly to singles?

I feel like I can’t participate in my Parish and it’s lonely.

I’ve been saying the same thing for years. If you’re single you’re invisible in the church and then they wonder why so many leave.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

Maybe this has already been mentioned, but I do believe the internet can be a great way for singles to meet like in Ave Maria Singles and other places.

Doesn’t work for everyone… I find it easier to get out of the house. Very little in Catholic singles events in my area. Rather than whine about it, I participate in a couple of common parish ministries, then away from church, I do secular activities I like.

 

[Naskor]

My archdiocese has a similar problem with singles as you’ve described. Unlike your diocese, my archdiocese has a lot of opportunities for singles that only exist on paper, or exclusive to college-aged Catholics.

We have less than a hand full of “Young Adult” groups that are in actuality Young Couple Clubs. While they are advertised as being opened to the married and the never-married, the people in them are incredibly cold and uninviting to singles. They will simply not allow single people to integrate into their social circles. All the events that they have are focused around already being married or being parents. Dances are for the married and engaged only. I hear numerous excuses for this. They say the don’t want single men hanging around their wives or single women around their husbands, and married people need to only hang out with married people.

If your single and try to volunteer for anything that has to do with kids or teens, you’ll make yourself a creep in the church community here. “What do you know about kids?” is a common response to anyone who wants to volunteer for these things. Obviously they only want married couples to volunteer for ministries that serve engaged, married or divorced Catholics.

You’d think the archdiocese’s Newman Center would be much better, as Newman Centers are supposed to be for the college-aged singles, but the one here is so bad that our archbishop has stepped in to remove all the priests and leadership in order to install new ones. Before he did that, it was the single most liberal “parish” in the archdiocese, filled with 60 year old, childless, hippies who want things like abortion, gay marriage and women priests. It’s been like that since my mother was a college student there. Trying to find a faithful Catholic spouse would be easier at a night club than at that Newman Center! Luckily it is slowly changing with the new leadership, but 20 years of students have already missed out on what it should have offered.

Because we have all these “on paper” opportunities for us church leadership doesn’t believe us when we say that the archdiocese isn’t meeting our needs. It’s incredibly frustrating to try and change things.