Singles. The forgotten people of my diocese.

[Zzyzx_Road]

My archdiocese has a similar problem with singles as you’ve described. Unlike your diocese, my archdiocese has a lot of opportunities for singles that only exist on paper, or exclusive to college-aged Catholics.

We have less than a hand full of “Young Adult” groups that are in actuality Young Couple Clubs. While they are advertised as being opened to the married and the never-married, the people in them are incredibly cold and uninviting to singles. They will simply not allow single people to integrate into their social circles. All the events that they have are focused around already being married or being parents. Dances are for the married and engaged only. I hear numerous excuses for this. They say the don’t want single men hanging around their wives or single women around their husbands, and married people need to only hang out with married people.

If your single and try to volunteer for anything that has to do with kids or teens, you’ll make yourself a creep in the church community here. “What do you know about kids?” is a common response to anyone who wants to volunteer for these things. Obviously they only want married couples to volunteer for ministries that serve engaged, married or divorced Catholics.

You’d think the archdiocese’s Newman Center would be much better, as Newman Centers are supposed to be for the college-aged singles, but the one here is so bad that our archbishop has stepped in to remove all the priests and leadership in order to install new ones. Before he did that, it was the single most liberal “parish” in the archdiocese, filled with 60 year old, childless, hippies who want things like abortion, gay marriage and women priests. It’s been like that since my mother was a college student there. Trying to find a faithful Catholic spouse would be easier at a night club than at that Newman Center! Luckily it is slowly changing with the new leadership, but 20 years of students have already missed out on what it should have offered.

Because we have all these “on paper” opportunities for us church leadership doesn’t believe us when we say that the archdiocese isn’t meeting our needs. It’s incredibly frustrating to try and change things.

There’s a bit of “mate guarding” going on, that is why singles are often not welcome at married couple functions.

I gave up trying to be involved in youth baseball, etc., for the reasons cited above.

 

[johnnyc176]

I’ve been saying the same thing for years. If you’re single you’re invisible in the church and then they wonder why so many leave.

If so many are leaving the Eucharist because of that then I’m thinking they really don’t understand/don’t believe the Real Presence.

 

[Bataar]

Starting a singles group at one’s church won’t do any good if all the singles have already left. This is a problem I’ve noticed for a long time and it never seems to be addressed. It’s not something that can be addressed by starting a singles “group/club” at a single parish, but something the entire dioceses / church in general needs to address. Long gone are the days of people meeting at the community church.

I’m not sure what can realistically be done. Unrealistically, maybe each diocese could have churches that are designed to cater to single people. Have events both fun/social and service orientated to bring single Catholics together. There are definitely some things we can learn from the protestants.

 

[pianistclare]

Well, before we get too far down this road…
Catholic singles have left the church? That’s a far more serious issue than “I don’t know where to meet other singles”. We’re still in the business of Mass and the Sacraments.
People comer to meet Christ at the table FIRST…making lifelong friends is a happy by-product.

 

[CaliLobo]

I’m not sure what can realistically be done. Unrealistically, maybe each diocese could have churches that are designed to cater to single people. Have events both fun/social and service orientated to bring single Catholics together. There are definitely some things we can learn from the protestants.

Finally, someone admits what I’ve been saying all along!

Hey, I can help. I can teach you all the Protestant secrets to better community.

 

[Xantippe]

Finally, someone admits what I’ve been saying all along!

Hey, I can help. I can teach you all the Protestant secrets to better community.

Is there a secret handshake?

Oh, and will we have to HUG?

Be gentle–there’s only so much truth we can handle in one day.

 

[CaliLobo]

Is there a secret handshake?

Oh, and will we have to HUG?

Be gentle–there’s only so much truth we can handle in one day.

Catholics do well with administering the sacraments and building schools and hospitals. But that’s not enough. After all, isn’t church about the people, as well as the worship or the sacraments? Aren’t the relationships between these people crucial to building a church?

Can we honestly say that the Mass and sacraments is enough? Is that all that Jesus did while he was on earth?

Here’s what Protestants do better to foster community:

1. Greeters at the front door that talk to you. Yeah it’s intrusive. Yeah it’s annoying. But that’s the bare minimum. It at least shows they care. Don’t Catholics understand that RANDOM people enter the doors of a church, hoping to hear the voice of God? I know I’ve walked into a parish myself for this same reason. But no one even bothered to talk to me. Who is bothering to even say hi to them? For one moment, you can provide joy to a person who is in pain.
2. Small group ministries. In the same way that Jesus discipled a group of twelve, a church cannot just meet as one big group. Churches should also meet as smaller groups to create discipleship relationships, and to form community. The Bible, and life in general, is discussed. Friendships are formed, many deep. Study materials are used. Meals are eaten. Even parties and hangouts are organized. **Most importantly, this provides the catechesis for ADULTS that Catholic churches lack. **Because catechesis should not stop when you graduate Catholic high school. Do Catholics actually talk about how their spiritual journey is going with each other?

2A) Easier for lay people to actively participate. You want to lead one of these small groups? It is possible. You want to lead worship and play an instrument? It is possible. You want to be a greeter and pass out flyers? Work the sound system? Video editing? Website? Coffee? It is all possible.

1. Meal or hangout after the service. Promote this event as a community-building event, as a crucial part of building a church. Simple eh? But it makes a huge difference. I’ve been thinking of returning to the church I went to in 2008-09, because of the efforts they made to build community through this method. I still have very close friends from this church, who truly accept me for who I am. Unfortunately I had to leave, when I moved to Kansas in 2009.
2. Developed college ministries. Because college is an onslaught of secular liberalism. Protestants fight back. Do Catholics? No, I don’t mean just pro-life advocacy. How about building college ministries, with pastors or priests that are relatively young and can relate to this uneasy age? Who can talk about dating, friendship, studying, career, and growth? The uneasiness of emerging adulthood? Let’s aggressively market our ministry in college campuses. Let’s pass out flyers, and invite people to join. Let’s set up a table in the main walkway of campus. Let’s assertively invite college-age people to church. Let’s be an active beacon of counterargument against secular liberalism.

4A) On that note, why stop at college campuses? Why not go to malls and stores, and pass out Bibles? Why not just flat out approach strangers, and ask them if we can talk to them about God? Isn’t saving people the most important job of all, the Great Commission?? But I don’t see Catholics even passing out the Catechism, anywhere!

1. Developed young adult services. (Though the trend is back toward age integration.) I still believe this has its usefulness, because once students graduate college, then what? Emerging adulthood is another uneasy time. And what better way to bring young people together? Maybe we can promote Christian marriages this way. I know, let’s modify the music. Soft rock, contemporary, hip-hop, let’s have it all. Let’s not make the liturgy so stuffy. **Tradition should not get in the way of bringing people to church, and saving them.
   **
2. Pop culture. Yeah, it’s lame. But look at how many Protestants have been affected by the greatest Protestant musicians like Steven Curtis Chapman. His concerts are ministries in themselves, and people join in and sing along, worshiping along with him. How many have been converted because of his inspiring music?

 

[CaliLobo]

1. Pastors in Protestant churches are more easily accessible. They have marriages and families, and live normal lives. They wear normal clothes. They don’t hide behind robes and black coats and collars. That is intimidating. They don’t hide behind their intellect either. That is intimidating. Many Protestant pastors do not have degrees; all they have is street knowledge and wisdom, and the ability to relate to people. That’s all you need. That’s all Jesus needed.
2. RCIA is too much of a barrier to enter the church. It must start in the fall and conclude at Easter, with a period of Mystagogy? Why? And it should be ongoing so anyone can access it at any time, why does it only start in the fall, and if you miss the deadline, you have to wait ONE YEAR? A parish can’t get even one person to commit to being available to help with a yearlong RCIA? In a Protestant church, we’ll baptize you today and deal with your spiritual development one step at a time.
3. A better business mindset. Protestants understand this costs money. A sizable minority tithes 10% of its income in Protestant churches. No wonder why they run circles when it comes to preaching, teaching, music, audio, video, TV, and missions. Look at the website of an Evangelical church compared to that of a Catholic parish. Whose is better?
4. Speaking of missions, Protestant missions run circles around Catholic missions. **Protestant churches make missions a priority. It is not relegated to the province of the clergy. Protestant churches encourage lay people to participate in missions, therefore boosting the spiritual growth of the lay. Some of the most powerful testimonies are from lay people who have just come back from mission trips. ** Once again, Protestant churches are re-Christianizing Europe. What is the Catholic church doing to re-Christianize Europe? As an example, look at the website of the ministry I briefly worked with in Poland. You don’t need to understand Polish to get the idea. proem.pl/
5. Sports leagues, anyone? After all, people love sports. What better way to bring people together, to have them work together, get to know each other, and form friendships? We pray before the game too.
6. A culture of lay people informally ministering to one another. We are all saints and priests. Not just the clergy.

It’s not all lost for the Catholic church. Check out what the diocese of Kansas City, MO is doing. Does your diocese have this many events for younger adults?

http://kansascityonahill.org/

When I lived in Kansas, I was impressed by how alive the dioceae of Kansas and Kansas City, MO were when it comes to building community. ** I will tell you that their efforts have almost succeeded in converting me to Catholicism. ** I will testify that my heart is at peace when I visit Kansas and that there is something spiritual about that place. I am not the only one that has said this.

So no, feeding the homeless isn’t enough. And neither is just Mass and sacraments, and the occasional fish fry.

 

[CaliLobo]

And why do I passionately post these things? Because Protestants gain when Catholics stop dropping the ball and get back to business. Much Protestant time and money is spent having to re-catechize fallen-away Catholics. That time and money could’ve been spent elsewhere.

How is it that Catholics go to Protestant churches and say that they are experiencing God for the FIRST TIME?

Doesn’t that bother Catholics around here??

 

[Milasol]

And why do I passionately post these things? Because Protestants gain when Catholics stop dropping the ball and get back to business. Much Protestant time and money is spent having to re-catechize fallen-away Catholics. That time and money could’ve been spent elsewhere.

How is it that Catholics go to Protestant churches and say that they are experiencing God for the FIRST TIME?

Doesn’t that bother Catholics around here??

It would bother me if it was true. The fallen away Catholics were never really true Catholics other than by baptism.

I been to protestants churches and I didn’t even experience Christianity.

I also been to a protestant youth group. Dismantled now.
My brothers and sisters also and most are also dismantled. The protestant church split… again and half the congregation went to another…

Aside from the administrative advise you gave, protestants will ALWAYS fail at better community efforts. If only they included the Saints, the eternal beings, i.e. Angels and they actually communed with God Himself in the Eucharist.

No thank you.

 

[CaliLobo]

It would bother me if it was true. The fallen away catholics were never really true Catholics other than by baptism.

I been to protestants churches and I didn’t even experience Christianity.

Aside from the administrative advise you gave, protestants will ALWAYS fail at better community efforts. If only they included the Saints, the eternal beings, i.e. Angels and they actually communed with God Himself in the Eucharist.

No thank you.

So if the Catholic Church DOES have the Eucharist, will it then incorporate some of what I listed so it can have superior community AND superior sacraments? So Protestants don’t have to spend so much time re-catechizing you guys?

And the Catholic Church forgets about fallen away Catholics, saying they were never Catholic to begin with? What is it doing to bring back fallen away Catholics?

 

[Milasol]

So if the Catholic Church DOES have the Eucharist, will it then incorporate some of what I listed so it can have superior community AND superior sacraments? So Protestants don’t have to spend so much time re-catechizing you guys?

And the Catholic Church forgets about fallen away Catholics, saying they were never Catholic to begin with? What is it doing to bring back fallen away Catholics?

Superior community other than the Eucharist, the communion of Saints… my dear… it DOES NOT EXIST!

Superior sacraments other than the Eucharist… IT DOES NOT EXIST.

 

[Joie_de_Vivre]

The parish celebrates vocations. Priesthood, religious life and marriage are vocation. Being single is not, unless it’s a consecrated sort, which is basically like being religious except not living in a monastery or convent, and the oldest form of consecrated life actually (something like a lay nun or brother). ‘Singles’ in the popular sense, in a Catholic parish, are probably mostly people who haven’t discerned their vocations yet, or who can’t live their vocation yet for some reason.

Celebrating singles as singles could send the wrong message by appearing to be a confirmation of the modern single lifestyle, which more often than not entails being sexually active, just not committing.

It would perhaps be more prudent to refer to ‘singles’ as those who haven’t discerned their vocation yet or haven’t found a way to live it, for example a person to marry, and pray for them to find guidance and aid.

As for the parish getting involved in match-making (singles’ evenings and such like), that sounds like a useful ministry for a layperson, but not an essential thing on the religious side for priests and bishops to take care of, not any more than they can or should look for jobs for us.

Lay celibates rarely get anything, frequently they do not even get an acknowledgement that they exist.

 

[CaliLobo]

Superior community other than the Eucharist, the communion of Saints… my dear… it DOES NOT EXIST!

Superior sacraments other than the Eucharist… IT DOES NOT EXIST.

This kind of stubbornness is another reason why Evangelical churches are booming and the Catholic churches are shrinking.

Of course, singles have left the diocese.

 

[Milasol]

This kind of stubbornness is another reason why Evangelical churches are booming and the Catholic churches are shrinking.

Of course, singles have left the diocese.

It is not stubbornness at all. Perhaps you might want to do a little research on the Eucharist. If one believes in the Eucharist then one would die for it.

I have another question for you. I have seen your comments in many places. Are you in this forum to criticize the Catholics? To feel better about yourself? I’m just curious. I have seen many of your posts. They seem very uncharitable.

 

[JorduSpeaks]

Superior community other than the Eucharist, the communion of Saints… my dear… it DOES NOT EXIST!

Superior sacraments other than the Eucharist… IT DOES NOT EXIST.

There is a reason why the Church acknowledges corporal AND spiritual works of mercy. The Catholic Church has an excellent track record when it comes to ministering to its congregation’s spiritual needs. However, when the congregation’s corporal needs are not being met, such as the need for fraternity, emotional support, and intimacy from other human beings, these needs are often dismissed out of hand.

 

[Milasol]

There is a reason why the Church acknowledges corporal AND spiritual works of mercy. The Catholic Church has an excellent track record when it comes to ministering to its congregation’s spiritual needs. However, when the congregation’s corporal needs are not being met, such as the need for fraternity, emotional support, and intimacy from other human beings, these needs are often dismissed out of hand.

Well I’ll stick with the spiritual. I’ll stick with what is eternal and not the here and now.

Protestant churches might have a cinema in their churches but they don’t have the body of Christ.

Besides that might be your experience but I have a totally different experience.
I am not from this country and I was an adult when I begun to attend Church here and I found great people, great resources, great charity.
And when I was young my entire life evolved around the Church.
It might be this country. The anti-Catholicism I experience in this country was quite shocking. It is quite non-christian either.

People want a person to greet them at the door? How about one greets Jesus Christ at the door instead?

 

[CaliLobo]

People want a person to greet them at the door? How about one greets Jesus Christ at the door instead?

Okay, so let’s say in June 2014, I walked into Mass because I was lonely and upset and needed to hear the voice of God.

Because that’s a true story. I’ve done the same several times in 2009 and 2010 as well.

No one talked to me. No one said hi, nice to meet you. No one invited me to anything. “Peace be with you?” That’s it?

Was I supposed to experience him all by myself, and the members of the parish have no responsibility to even say hello to me?

What is the responsibility of the lay Catholic in ministry? NONE??

That right there, is the difference between Protestants and Catholics.

 

[JorduSpeaks]

Well I’ll stick with the spiritual. I’ll stick with what is eternal and not the here and now.

That doesn’t quite cut it, though. We, as humans, are not purely spiritual beings. We’re also physical beings with temporal needs. We’re not just ghosts flying around in machines. The “machines” (i.e. our bodies) are every bit as much a part of us as our souls, otherwise there would be no reason to believe in resurrection of the body, which is one of the core tenets of our faith.

I’d also like to point out that you’re drawing a false dichotomy. Attending to the eternal does not necessitate neglect for the eternal. The converse is also true. After all, if attending to temporal needs meant neglecting spiritual concerns, we’d be doing great evil when we fed and clothed the homeless, wouldn’t we?

 

[Milasol]

Okay, so let’s say in June 2014, I walked into Mass because I was lonely and upset and needed to hear the voice of God.

Because that’s a true story. I’ve done the same several times in 2009 and 2010 as well.

No one talked to me. No one said hi, nice to meet you. No one invited me to anything. “Peace be with you?” That’s it?

Was I supposed to experience him all by myself, and the members of the parish have no responsibility to even say hello to me?

What is the responsibility of the lay Catholic in ministry? NONE??

That right there, is the difference between Protestants and Catholics.

First and foremost one goes to Mass for the Eucharist, a true sacrifice. Just like all Christians have done for centuries from the beginning, the very beginning. A pure offering. Perhaps you need to learn the meaning of the Mass.

It is not supposed to be an emotional encounter with other humans but a pure offering.
For an emotional human encounter one can do it outside of Mass.
Mass is not a preaching engagement like in a protestant Church. It is something totally different.
It is a sacrifice, an encounter with the eternal triumphal Church, true worship.

It is not a here and now human social encounter. It is so much bigger and universal than that. Just like the first Christians understood it.

“Assemble on the Lord’s day, and break bread and offer the Eucharist; but first make confession of your faults, so that your sacrifice may be a pure one. Anyone who has a difference with his fellow is not to take part with you until he has been reconciled, so as to avoid any profanation of your sacrifice [Matt. 5:23–24]. For this is the offering of which the Lord has said, ‘Everywhere and always bring me a sacrifice that is undefiled, for I am a great king, says the Lord, and my name is the wonder of nations’ [Mal. 1:11, 14]” (Didache 14 [A.D. 70]).