Sister engaging in sexual activity

[fgarza]

I’m not allowed to disclose what happened to anyone we know, but she knows I need support in how to handle things on my end.

My 27 yr old sister has been dating a non-practicing Catholic for four months. He agreed to save sex for marriage and has never guilt tripped her for any of her beliefs. But she struggled a lot on “how far is to far” since the beginning and yesterday she told him she was ready and was sure and she had sex with him. She came home crying, knowing she turned her back on God.

Obviously, right now all I want to do is for her to take sometime away from him (and I’d like never to see the guy again even if she was the one who reassured him it was fine). She and her bf have talked it out deciding that that will never happen again. But I continue to worry that since he is not a religious, faithful person that in the end this relationship will not bring her closer to God.

Any advice is welcome. Thank you.

 

[Wesrock]

The fornication doesn’t per se mean that the relationship needs to end, especially if you’re confident it’s not a result of him pressuring her into sex and he himself is okay with waiting (even if he and your sister both slipped). People do make mistakes, but those can be repented and the relationship you describe doesn’t sound toxic or providing more occasion to sin than a relationship between two Catholics would have.

As to whether your sister should continue in the relationship, if things are as described non-toxic and they’re both okay with getting back on the right path, I don’t think the error on their part need be considered. The more important question is whether she sees herself as possibly eventually marrying him, having a family, practicing Catholic chastity, and whether she’d be okay with raising the children in the faith without much participation from him on religious education. A marriage in which both partners are not on the same page on these matters can be difficult.

 

[1ke]

My 27 yr old sister has been dating a non-practicing Catholic for four months

She’s 27. So, has she been particularly sheltered or have other reasons that at 27 she would be particularly vulnerable to bad decisions?

You said she came home crying. Does she live at home with your parents? Do you? How old are you? Did she ask for your advice?

I’m asking because these things really matter when you’ve asked for advice. The pertinent question is has SHE asked for advice and if so what kind of help has she asked for? Has she given any indication of what SHE wants to do?

 

[fgarza]

This is her first boyfriend. She lives at my place and I know she wants to figure out this situation on her own. She is going to continue the relationship with him. I’ll only give more advice if she asks me to I’m just not sure how I should approach the whole situation mentally and how to support her. I know she won’t tell my parents or brother, so I kind of feel the weight of trying to be there for her without condoning the behavior.

 

[fgarza]

Oh and I’m thirty.
I stayed up with her until it was really late so she could cry it out.

 

[1ke]

I think the best approach is instead of giving advice or trying to “fix” things (which we older siblings tend to want to do with our younger siblings) it might be better to simply ask her probing questions to help her figure out what SHE wants and how SHE will handle it and how SHE will set boundaries and stick to them.

I mean, she’s 27. She has to stand on her own two feet and be OK with her decisions at some point. And when not OK with her decisions, she has to stand on her own two feet, acknowledge it’s not OK, and make a plan to change her decisions and behaviors.

You can be invaluable in leading her to her own conclusions. They need to be hers, though.