Sister-in-law trouble

[AshJade]

My sister-in-law is a beautiful, intelligent, funny 20 year old. She should be in college, but she dropped out. She decided to join the military, and was sent home after 2 weeks. She can’t hold a job or keep friends. Her mom is kicking her out now.

The reason all this is happening to her is because of her relationship with the disgusting pig she calls a boyfriend. They started dating when she was 17 and he was 25. She got a full scholarship to a school in another state, but he whined and threatened to break up with her, so she dropped out and lost her scholarship. She joined the military, but ended up getting sent home because she said she was too “depressed” without him.

He cheats on her, but she forgives him, over and over.
He looks at porn all the time, and laughs at her when she says it offends her.
He constantly puts her down.
He can’t hold a job and lost his drivers licence, so she drives him everywhere.
His sister beat her up when she tried to break up with him the last time.
He is vulgar, drinks too much and I think he is on drugs.
She used to believe in God, but now she has become an atheist because that is what he is.

Everyone who loves her tells her to leave him, but she has such low self esteem. She is also a model, so there is no reason for her to feel bad about herself.

I don’t know what to do. I have been through this with her over and over. I won’t let him in our house or around our kids. I’m so scared that she will get pregnant by this guy, and that he will be part of her life forever.

I feel like cutting contact with her, because her behavior causes the family so much pain. I started dating my husband when she was 12, so it breaks my heart to see this little girl I watched grow up destroy her life for a man.

What should I do?

 

[Kelfa28]

She joined the military, but ended up getting sent home because she said she was too “depressed” without him.

Okay…this jumped out at me as being totally inaccurate.
I’m in the military myself and went through basic and I can tell you that being sent home for “depression” over a boyfriend is impossible. You are told at the start…the fastest and easiest way out of basic is to just finish.
If you have any issues…they will make your life unbearable until you can drop the drama queen act and return to training or you stay until you figure it out.
This can take months and months. It happens all the time. No one goes home our of their own choice or volition.

We had a girl in my flight at basic who had numerous issues. She wasn’t sent home…she was just recycled over and over, going “back in time” through different flights until she was sent to the medical group. Five months later, after I had gone home from tech school, she was still in basic.

You don’t go crying to anyone at basic, claiming you’re depressed because you miss your boyfriend, and have a sympathetic ear that will put you on the fast track home.

I think you might need to be a bit more accurate in this post.
Did she really join the military?
Did she actually get sent away?
Was she sent home because of an underlying medical issue she withheld, such as asthma?

 

[Xantippe]

I wonder if she’s got undiagnosed ADHD. She seems to have a lot of trouble sticking to anything–except the boyfriend.

 

[acacia12]

My sister-in-law is a beautiful, intelligent, funny 20 year old. She should be in college, but she dropped out. She decided to join the military, and was sent home after 2 weeks. She can’t hold a job or keep friends. Her mom is kicking her out now.

The reason all this is happening to her is because of her relationship with the disgusting pig she calls a boyfriend. They started dating when she was 17 and he was 25. She got a full scholarship to a school in another state, but he whined and threatened to break up with her, so she dropped out and lost her scholarship. She joined the military, but ended up getting sent home because she said she was too “depressed” without him.

He cheats on her, but she forgives him, over and over.
He looks at porn all the time, and laughs at her when she says it offends her.
He constantly puts her down.
He can’t hold a job and lost his drivers licence, so she drives him everywhere.
His sister beat her up when she tried to break up with him the last time.
He is vulgar, drinks too much and I think he is on drugs.
She used to believe in God, but now she has become an atheist because that is what he is.

Everyone who loves her tells her to leave him, but she has such low self esteem. She is also a model, so there is no reason for her to feel bad about herself.

I don’t know what to do. I have been through this with her over and over. I won’t let him in our house or around our kids. I’m so scared that she will get pregnant by this guy, and that he will be part of her life forever.

I feel like cutting contact with her, because her behavior causes the family so much pain. I started dating my husband when she was 12, so it breaks my heart to see this little girl I watched grow up destroy her life for a man.

What should I do?

I can understand the frustration and hurt that you are feeling. You say you are scared she will get pregnant. That is her decision and her choice, not yours. If this guy is part of her life for a few more months,years or the rest of her life, again, it’s her decision and choice. You say “destroy her life for a man” she hasn’t finished living her life yet, so you don’t know what will happen in the future. You say that your thinking of cutting contact with her. That’s your choice. Is this because you are unable to let go and leave it in Gods hands? Is it because you can’t deal with the hurt that you are feeling over this situation? Or is it because she isn’t doing what you wish her to do? Her life, good/bad choices are for her to make and that includes the right to be right/wrong and make mistakes. Just as the rest of us do.

 

[truthquester]

Okay…this jumped out at me as being totally inaccurate.
I’m in the military myself and went through basic and I can tell you that being sent home for “depression” over a boyfriend is impossible. You are told at the start…the fastest and easiest way out of basic is to just finish.
If you have any issues…they will make your life unbearable until you can drop the drama queen act and return to training or you stay until you figure it out.
This can take months and months. It happens all the time. No one goes home our of their own choice or volition.

We had a girl in my flight at basic who had numerous issues. She wasn’t sent home…she was just recycled over and over, going “back in time” through different flights until she was sent to the medical group. Five months later, after I had gone home from tech school, she was still in basic.

You don’t go crying to anyone at basic, claiming you’re depressed because you miss your boyfriend, and have a sympathetic ear that will put you on the fast track home.

I think you might need to be a bit more accurate in this post.
Did she really join the military?
Did she actually get sent away?
Was she sent home because of an underlying medical issue she withheld, such as asthma?

I agree with kelfa, you also said she was unemployed and can’t hold down a job and then you said she was a model??? Is she an unemployed model. in my opinion, there is something you are not being honest about.

 

[acadiANNA]

I am praying for this misguided young lady. May our good Lord enter her heart and most importantly may she ask Him for His help. I am afraid she is on the wrong path.

 

[Xantippe]

“I agree with kelfa, you also said she was unemployed and can’t hold down a job and then you said she was a model??? Is she an unemployed model. in my opinion, there is something you are not being honest about.”

SIL could be an underemployed or merely aspiring model. I don’t think that’s much of a discrepancy.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Okay…this jumped out at me as being totally inaccurate.
I’m in the military myself and went through basic and I can tell you that being sent home for “depression” over a boyfriend is impossible. You are told at the start…the fastest and easiest way out of basic is to just finish.
If you have any issues…they will make your life unbearable until you can drop the drama queen act and return to training or you stay until you figure it out.
This can take months and months. It happens all the time. No one goes home our of their own choice or volition.

We had a girl in my flight at basic who had numerous issues. She wasn’t sent home…she was just recycled over and over, going “back in time” through different flights until she was sent to the medical group. Five months later, after I had gone home from tech school, she was still in basic.

You don’t go crying to anyone at basic, claiming you’re depressed because you miss your boyfriend, and have a sympathetic ear that will put you on the fast track home.

I think you might need to be a bit more accurate in this post.
Did she really join the military?
Did she actually get sent away?
Was she sent home because of an underlying medical issue she withheld, such as asthma?

Yep. Everything she said.

 

[Kelfa28]

“I agree with kelfa, you also said she was unemployed and can’t hold down a job and then you said she was a model??? Is she an unemployed model. in my opinion, there is something you are not being honest about.”

SIL could be an underemployed or merely aspiring model. I don’t think that’s much of a discrepancy.

Her military claims are a HUGE discrepancy. While the rest isn’t too far-fetched, the military comment alone tells me she isn’t telling the truth.

You can’t make up something like that about the military and expect it to fly below the radar with anyone who serves.

 

[Xantippe]

“Her military claims are a HUGE discrepancy. While the rest isn’t too far-fetched, the military comment alone tells me she isn’t telling the truth.”

It was a bit unclear whether people were doubting the poster’s truthfulness or just her SIL’s reported story. You’re probably quite right that the SIL is probably not being very frank about the circumstances surrounding her getting kicked out of training. Probably what she said about being depressed about her boyfriend was shorthand for, “I felt depressed about my boyfriend, so I did XYZ stupid thing and got kicked out.”

When my brother was doing Marine officer training some years ago, a bunch of women in the training program were all kicked out because they were helping another woman carry her gear because she couldn’t manage it on a grueling hike.

I don’t know SIL personally, but from the details we’re given, I’m reading her as having problems with attention and organization and being addicted to drama. The thing about drama is that it’s always interesting–there’s always something new and horrible happening. Even if it’s really bad, you don’t get bored. SIL may experience boredom as being much worse than whatever her boyfriend dishes out.

 

[Xantippe]

I may be over-reading the post, but the description of the SIL in the bad relationship reminds me a lot of somebody I know, so I’m filling in the blanks with stuff from the person I know. One possibility is that she has some substance abuse problems that she’s been able to hide from the family. If her boyfriend drinks hard and is probably on drugs, what are the odds that SIL is clean and sober?

 

[AshJade]

Wow, some of you are extremely rude. I really don’t know much about the military, but my in-laws are all military and retired military and that is what they told me. Or I could just be lying, right? As got modeling, she models part time. Maybe a photo shoot here or there. I posted this seeking advice, but I had my honesty attacked and now I feel worse than ever. Great job with the Christian charity guys.

 

[Kelfa28]

Wow, some of you are extremely rude. I really don’t know much about the military, but my in-laws are all military and retired military and that is what they told me. Or I could just be lying, right? As got modeling, she models part time. Maybe a photo shoot here or there. I posted this seeking advice, but I had my honesty attacked and now I feel worse than ever. Great job with the Christian charity guys.

I meant your SIL.

If that is what you were told…you were probably being lied to, in all seriousness.

She may have been sent home but there is no way she was sent home because she was depressed over a boyfriend.
I’m telling you it’s totally impossible for that to happen.
I’m being completely serious. I went through basic only 2 years ago. What would be the point of going to basic if you can be sent home because you miss someone and are depressed about it?
Literally, everyone in each female flight and probably half the male flights would all be shipped home within the first couple of weeks.
We had several moms in our flight and all of them were totally torn and upset that there were there and their babies were at home.
We had another girl who found out her mother was very sick.
The MTIs were very sympathetic but she stayed and graduated on time.

If I were you…I’d take what was told to you with a grain of salt because I know I would. It would have been the first thing I would have questioned.

The only way you can be sent home early is if you have an underlying medical condition that the military won’t allow, that they find out about in basic.
Asthma, diabetes and such.

Asthma is the most common reason to be sent home early. One girl in my basic flight couldn’t run even one lap on the first week of training without heading to the medical tent for wheezing and difficulty berating. She was pulled out of training, they later found out she had asthma and she was sent home immediately.

A good friend of mine went to Army basic. He caught pneumonia and his Drill Sgt sent him to the infirmary. He was diagnosed with Asthma and sent home within the week.

 

[Xantippe]

“If I were you…I’d take what was told to you with a grain of salt because I know I would. It would have been the first thing I would have questioned.”

Yeah.

Again, I may be reading too much into the situation because we’ve had such a dire experience with a similar relative, but it’s really mind-blowing to realize that 80% of what you thought you knew about somebody was lies. I’m not saying that that is necessarily the case with your SIL, but it’s a strong possibility. Unfortunately, she’s been hanging out with a low-life for years now–it’s likely she’s picked up some unfortunate behaviors and she isn’t the person you remember her being as a child.

 

[acacia12]

Wow, some of you are extremely rude. I really don’t know much about the military, but my in-laws are all military and retired military and that is what they told me. Or I could just be lying, right? As got modeling, she models part time. Maybe a photo shoot here or there. I posted this seeking advice, but I had my honesty attacked and now I feel worse than ever. Great job with the Christian charity guys.

I apologise if I came across as rude and attacking you, that wasn’t my intention.

 

[agnes_therese]

Wow, some of you are extremely rude. I really don’t know much about the military, but my in-laws are all military and retired military and that is what they told me. Or I could just be lying, right? As got modeling, she models part time. Maybe a photo shoot here or there. I posted this seeking advice, but I had my honesty attacked and now I feel worse than ever. Great job with the Christian charity guys.

No one is saying that YOU are lying, but that SHE may be. Or, perhaps your in-laws are not telling you the whole story, feeling that it’s better to keep it private. It’s one of the two, because anyone with military experience knows that doesn’t add up.

 

[PatriceA]

My sister-in-law is a beautiful, intelligent, funny 20 year old. She should be in college, but she dropped out. She decided to join the military, and was sent home after 2 weeks. She can’t hold a job or keep friends. Her mom is kicking her out now.

The reason all this is happening to her is because of her relationship with the disgusting pig she calls a boyfriend. They started dating when she was 17 and he was 25. She got a full scholarship to a school in another state, but he whined and threatened to break up with her, so she dropped out and lost her scholarship. She joined the military, but ended up getting sent home because she said she was too “depressed” without him.

He cheats on her, but she forgives him, over and over.
He looks at porn all the time, and laughs at her when she says it offends her.
He constantly puts her down.
He can’t hold a job and lost his drivers licence, so she drives him everywhere.
His sister beat her up when she tried to break up with him the last time.
He is vulgar, drinks too much and I think he is on drugs.
She used to believe in God, but now she has become an atheist because that is what he is.

Everyone who loves her tells her to leave him, but she has such low self esteem. She is also a model, so there is no reason for her to feel bad about herself.

I don’t know what to do. I have been through this with her over and over. I won’t let him in our house or around our kids. I’m so scared that she will get pregnant by this guy, and that he will be part of her life forever.

I feel like cutting contact with her, because her behavior causes the family so much pain. I started dating my husband when she was 12, so it breaks my heart to see this little girl I watched grow up destroy her life for a man.

What should I do?

What does your husband think about his sister? That’s the key, doesn’t really matter what you think you should do, it has to be what your husband wants to do and then you present a united front.

I find it a bit odd though that you want to cut off contact with her because the family has been in so much pain but you didn’t mention anything she has actually done to you and your family. Why is her mom throwing her out? There seems to be more to the story than what you are saying in your OP. That’s not attacking you, that’s just wanting to see the bigger picture because of the discrepancies with the military and why she’s being thrown out of her home and how your husband feels about the situation.

 

[Iheartcoffee]

Those behaviors are common in an abusive relationship. If you look at the lives of a lot of women in prison, it all started with a bad boyfriend that they couldn’t seem to break up with. Has your family considered sending her somewhere for a while? Perhaps the lure of an extended trip to an interesting place may help? Sometimes the best way to break this behavior is to start over in a different place, preferably a place that the abusive boyfriend doesn’t know about.

Start planning now, and perhaps the next time she wants to break up with the boyfriend, put the plan into action. Tell her you will help her change her phone number, close her facebook account, and then let her live with a friend or family member in a different state, or even a different country if you have the connections and opportunities.

Based on the impression I get from this whole thing, it sounds like she really needs to get away from all of this to make a clean break and change her ways.

 

[truthquester]

Sorry, I didn’t mean to come off as rude. Your post did irritate me a little because you seem to be leaving something out and for the life of me I can’t figure out why you would break contact with her. She seems to need you and everyone else now more than she ever has before, is it just peer pressure from the rest of the family to turn your back on her. Her life appears to be going way off the rails and everybody just wants to wash their hands of her even though she is only 20 years old. Doesn’t everybody make mistakes? Put yourself in her position, you don’t know what she’s going through and what terrible things she make have experienced.

If everyone continues to condemn and judge her that will only make her think the boyfriend is the only one who cares. Why don’t you stick it out without cutting contact? I’m sure she will appreciate it if she ever gets her life back on track.
good luck and God bless

 

[AshJade]

I think some people use the anonymity of the internet as an excuse to forget their manners.

I don’t want to cut ties with her, but we have been through this over and over for the past 3 years. I’m tired of seeing her hurt. I am tired of her leaving him and saying horrible things about him, then when she goes back to him we are expected to suddenly like him. I’m tired of all the drama. That is why I am so upset.