Sister is pregnant...again

[noclevername]

I am raising my niece. She I have had full custody for almost four years. She was removed from her mother and father by child protective services. All kids need to know their mother so we see her mother every few months.

Here is the problem - her mother is pregnant again. She is not married, she just got pregnant. And she says she wants to keep the child. She says she has talked to an adoption agency but she’s more leaning on keeping this child. She says her friends will help. My sister waits tables and depends on tips to pay rent. She has signed up for all of the government programs but I don’t know how much that will help her when she can’t work.

First, my niece has to learn about the baby. Her therapist says I need to make her mother tell her about the baby so that the anger will be directed towards her mother. So, my niece will have to find out. But how do you explain to a nine year old that her mother doesn’t want her anymore but wants a baby. I would never give my niece back to her mother but I have asked her mother why she can take care of a baby but not her nine year old daughter. She has made it clear she doesn’t want her daughter back.

Also, I will probably call child protective services and tell them my sister is pregnant again. I have to.

And one other thing. I can’t keep this new baby. I am too old, too tired and I can’t take attention away from my own family. I just can’t do it. I really hope my sister gives it up for adoption.

 

[gardenswithkids]

I am raising my niece. …But how do you explain to a nine year old that her mother doesn’t want her anymore but wants a baby. I would never give my niece back to her mother but I have asked her mother why she can take care of a baby but not her nine year old daughter. She has made it clear she doesn’t want her daughter back. …

You don’t tell her that her mother doesn’t want her. And just because your sister is pregnant and hopes to keep the baby doesn’t necessarily mean that she exactly "wanted’ the baby either. She likely didn’t planned this pregnancy. But she’s pregnant–and fortunately she’s not having an abortion–so this pregnancy brings with it life and the hope for a new beginning.

Your sister likely sees that her daughter is thriving and doing better under your care than she did under your sister’s care. (Having had child-protective services remove the child from her mother and father probably makes that clear to just about everyone.)

Does this new baby have a different father? Perhaps your sister also hopes that this child’s father will be a better dad to her baby than your niece’s father was. That may be part of the difference too.

In any case, please don’t tell the child that her mother doesn’t want her! Tell her that you do want her. Tell her how happy you are that she’s part of your family life. And when it’s time for your niece to know about this pregnancy, (which I would hold off on for as long as possible since miscarriages happen and even in the best of situations, I never like to share that I was expecting before the second trimester) then, at that point after your niece knows her mommy is expecting another baby be sure to tell her that her mommy is being very brave because there are lots of women who might kill their babies through abortions in similar situations. Tell her that her mother loves her children enough to give her new brother or sister life, just like she loved her enough to give her life. And help her to be at least a little bit excited about having a new brother or sister.

New life brings challenges, but it also brings hope.

(And thank you for raising your niece.)

 

[Myst]

Never imply that a child is unwanted, especially at that age. Kids at that age don’t have enough brain development to understand things like that as someone else’s fault and your niece could get seriously hurt if she thinks that way. As gardenswithkids said, your sister probably sees how well her first child is doing in your family. That means that your niece is more your daughter than hers (the mother is the one who does the raising - just ask any confused baby bird who follows around a cat). When you explain it to her, try phrasing it as how much she means to your family. Show her that she is so much in your heart that you couldn’t possibly give her up. If it’s a matter of her mother leaving her with you because her home is with you, then nobody has given anybody up. You’ve got to think of it like a child would - black and white - simplicity. If everybody loves her and is helping her, what is there to be hurt about?

 

[EasterJoy]

I am raising my niece. She I have had full custody for almost four years. She was removed from her mother and father by child protective services. All kids need to know their mother so we see her mother every few months.

Here is the problem - her mother is pregnant again. She is not married, she just got pregnant. And she says she wants to keep the child. She says she has talked to an adoption agency but she’s more leaning on keeping this child. She says her friends will help. My sister waits tables and depends on tips to pay rent. She has signed up for all of the government programs but I don’t know how much that will help her when she can’t work.

First, my niece has to learn about the baby. Her therapist says I need to make her mother tell her about the baby so that the anger will be directed towards her mother. So, my niece will have to find out. But how do you explain to a nine year old that her mother doesn’t want her anymore but wants a baby. I would never give my niece back to her mother but I have asked her mother why she can take care of a baby but not her nine year old daughter. She has made it clear she doesn’t want her daughter back.

Also, I will probably call child protective services and tell them my sister is pregnant again. I have to.

And one other thing. I can’t keep this new baby. I am too old, too tired and I can’t take attention away from my own family. I just can’t do it. I really hope my sister gives it up for adoption.

I think I’d talk to your niece’s therapist about how to negotiate this. This is not a job for theoretical advice, but the guidance of someone professional who knows the child well and who can monitor how the best guess went. (When it comes to caring for a human heart, fellow humans can never do better than their best guess and prayers.)

Speaking of, when your niece finds out about this new sibling, add the new sibling to her daily prayers for the welfare of her mother and father. I would also couch these things in terms like: I’m sorry that you can’t be with your own mom and dad, but the selfish side of me is still thankful that we have had you for our family. What they could not benefit from has become our blessing–and that’s you! If she asks why you can’t take her, tell her that a responsible parent has to think about the child, and not just herself. You thought about taking her sibling in, but you had to admit that the effort you are putting in now, while a blessing to you, is all you can manage, for the sake of the children you already have to think about.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Here is the problem - her mother is pregnant again. She is not married, she just got pregnant. And she says she wants to keep the child. She says she has talked to an adoption agency but she’s more leaning on keeping this child. She says her friends will help. My sister waits tables and depends on tips to pay rent. She has signed up for all of the government programs but I don’t know how much that will help her when she can’t work. .

A lot of waitresses are single moms. I don’t think her job is the issue.

First**, my niece has to learn about the baby. Her therapist says I** need to make her mother tell her about the baby so that the anger will be directed towards her mother. .

huh? What kind of therapist says that? Any therapist worth their salt knows you can not make someone do something they don’t want to. Your sister can plainly refuse to do it. It might be an idea to ask your sister to tell. But if she doesn’t you need to tell your niece so your niece won’t be mad at you for hiding it from her. Not to mention if your niece sees her mom every few months, won’t she notice herself?

So, my niece will have to find out. But how do you explain to a nine year old that her mother doesn’t want her anymore but wants a baby.

Say to your niece that since she is established, it is best she not change schools and that you could never give her up now. She probably still won’t like the answer but honestly, there really is no answer she would like

I would never give my niece back to her mother but I have asked her mother why she can take care of a baby but not her nine year old daughter. She has made it clear she doesn’t want her daughter back. .

I can’t blame your sister. Every time she sees her daughter, the guilt of knowing child protective services took her away flares up. Your sister does not need to be reminded of that everyday. Plus, it is hard to take in a nine year old who is use to someone else’s set of rules

Also, I will probably call child protective services and tell them my sister is pregnant again. I have to. .

There is nothing wrong with calling, however, I am not sure they will do anything about it unless the new child is being abused

And one other thing. I can’t keep this new baby. I am too old, too tired and I can’t take attention away from my own family. I just can’t do it. I really hope my sister gives it up for adoption.

It is totally understandable you would not want to take the baby in. However, with all due respect, unless the authorities see fit to remove the child, it is 100% your sister’s right to keep the baby

Angie

 

[bitterhope]

A lot of waitresses are single moms. I don’t think her job is the issue.

huh? What kind of therapist says that? Any therapist worth their salt knows you can not make someone do something they don’t want to. Your sister can plainly refuse to do it. It might be an idea to ask your sister to tell. But if she doesn’t you need to tell your niece so your niece won’t be mad at you for hiding it from her. Not to mention if your niece sees her mom every few months, won’t she notice herself?

Say to your niece that since she is established, it is best she not change schools and that you could never give her up now. She probably still won’t like the answer but honestly, there really is no answer she would like

I can’t blame your sister. Every time she sees her daughter, the guilt of knowing child protective services took her away flares up. Your sister does not need to be reminded of that everyday. Plus, it is hard to take in a nine year old who is use to someone else’s set of rules

There is nothing wrong with calling, however, I am not sure they will do anything about it unless the new child is being abused

It is totally understandable you would not want to take the baby in. However, with all due respect, unless the authorities see fit to remove the child, it is 100% your sister’s right to keep the baby

Angie

This is all very true. And I have reservations about any therapist that would advocate for a child to harbor anger towards their mother, whether or not the mom deserves it. Be thankful she is giving the baby life and pray for her and the little one. I don’t understand your reasons for calling CPS on her figuring since she hasn’t given birth yet. You don’t know how the baby will be cared for at this point. What good would that do? What will it accomplish besides creating drama?

 

[LongingSoul]

huh? What kind of therapist says that? Any therapist worth their salt knows you can not make someone do something they don’t want to. Your sister can plainly refuse to do it. It might be an idea to ask your sister to tell. But if she doesn’t you need to tell your niece so your niece won’t be mad at you for hiding it from her. Not to mention if your niece sees her mom every few months, won’t she notice herself?

The therapist probably didn’t put it in exactly those words but in situations where one party (the OP) has a habit of ‘saving’ the other party (her sister) from her natural responsibilities… a therapist would be encouraging a better way forward. It sounds like OP hasn’t adopted the 9 year old and the sister is still technically her mother. It’s important to encourage the right dynamic in the relationships in the long run.

 

[Anglewannabe]

The therapist probably didn’t put it in exactly those words but in situations where one party (the OP) has a habit of ‘saving’ the other party (her sister) from her natural responsibilities… a therapist would be encouraging a better way forward. It sounds like OP hasn’t adopted the 9 year old and the sister is still technically her mother. It’s important to encourage the right dynamic in the relationships in the long run.

ok, if that is not how the therapist worded it, then that makes more sense.

 

[E_7]

I wouldn’t call child protection services to let them know she is preg. again. I wouldn’t do it even if “I have to”. And I would not dare to tell her to adopt her baby. I mean, it must be so painful for the mom to give birth to a life flesh of her flesh and suddenly giving it away. NO. She needs a new job asap. Maybe you could help her this time by helping her to get a new better paid job.

 

[mommy_k]

Every baby is a blessing, but unfortuanely life circumstances and sometimes poor choices stand in the way for a birthmom to keep a baby. I would explain it this way to your niece.

If would also explain that If your sister’s life is different then before and perhaps she will be able to be a loving and effective parent to a new baby… It has nothing to do with your neice being unwanted— as a matter of fact, her mom loved her so much she wanted more than she could provide and made this plan for her to be with you---- then tell her you very much want her too!

 

[Allegra]

I am raising my niece. She I have had full custody for almost four years. She was removed from her mother and father by child protective services. All kids need to know their mother so we see her mother every few months.

Here is the problem - her mother is pregnant again. She is not married, she just got pregnant. And she says she wants to keep the child. She says she has talked to an adoption agency but she’s more leaning on keeping this child. She says her friends will help. My sister waits tables and depends on tips to pay rent. She has signed up for all of the government programs but I don’t know how much that will help her when she can’t work.

First, my niece has to learn about the baby. Her therapist says I need to make her mother tell her about the baby so that the anger will be directed towards her mother. So, my niece will have to find out. But how do you explain to a nine year old that her mother doesn’t want her anymore but wants a baby. I would never give my niece back to her mother but I have asked her mother why she can take care of a baby but not her nine year old daughter. She has made it clear she doesn’t want her daughter back.

Also, I will probably call child protective services and tell them my sister is pregnant again. I have to.

And one other thing. I can’t keep this new baby. I am too old, too tired and I can’t take attention away from my own family. I just can’t do it. I really hope my sister gives it up for adoption.

Nowhere in your post did you explain why your niece was taken away and if the situation that was causing the problem still exists. Being poor and unmarried is not a reason for CPS to be involved, so there must be more to the story. What you say to your niece would probably depend a lot on the reasons she was removed in the first place, whether they still exist, and how much she knows about the situation. You should probably handle this with the guidance of a professional, but I’m a little concerned about the counselor you mentioned. How exactly does he expect you to force your sister into doing anything? Also, why does he assume that your niece will be angry in the first place, or that her anger will be directed at the person who tells her? I would think the best thing would be for your sister to talk to the therapist and determine the best way to explain the situation to your niece.

Depending on the situation, you might make a horrible mistake by calling CPS on your sister before the child is born. If you don’t have any reason other than the fact that your sister is poor, it would look really bad to the court. If there really is an issue, and CPS gets involved and pressures your sister, should could choose to abort the child. For those reasons, I would caution against calling CPS until after the child is born and only if you have a real reason to believe the child is not being cared for.

It doesn’t sound like your sister intends for you to take on her child, so that’s probably a non-issue. Is that maybe the reason why you think your niece would be angry at you? Because you can’t take on her brother or sister?

 

[noclevername]

Sorry I was so vague in some of the details.

First - my sister is an alcoholic and a drug addict. She has been sober for about a year but she’s not in counseling or AA or anything to help her stay sober. I have seen the pattern of her getting sober and going off the wagon many times. This is why I worry about the new baby. My niece was taken away from her mother because of the drug addiction/alcoholism. And she was very neglectful. My niece would go without eating because her mother would forget to feed her. When I got her, she was very behind on vaccinations. She had never been to the dentist and when I took her she had a lot of cavities and a lot of problems. I got two different opinions on that too. Also, my niece was sexually abused by her biological father. She told her mother and her mother did nothing about it. And what’s even worse is she let my niece keep seeing her father. When my niece disclosed the abuse to me, I did something about it. Her father is now in jail and will be for a very long time.

And I guess I wasn’t clear on what the therapist said. First, my niece already feels unwanted by her mother and she doesn’t know about the baby yet. I’m not stupid or callous enough to tell her she’s not wanted. Geez, why would you people think I would do that? My niece doesn’t understand why she can’t live with her mother. The court has a case file on her mother this is extremely thick and my custody lawyer said they would probably never give her mother custody again. It is very difficult to explain this to my niece while at the same time not saying anything bad about her mother to her. No one wants to think their mother is a monster. My niece knows that her mother has an addiction problem and she knows that her mother can’t take care of herself so she can’t take care of her until she learns to take care of herself first. But when you are a child it’s hard to understand that when you see your mother and she looks OK every time she sees her.

As a trust issue, we have to tell my niece that her mother is pregnant. This would be too big to try to hide it from my niece. The therapist says that her mother should tell her. The reason is that I am the protector. My role is now the “mom” and I take care of my niece and I protect her. When my niece learns about this baby, I and the therapist are predicting she is going to be mad and she is going to feel unwanted. By her mother telling her, it will give her more of a chance to project the mad and hurt feeling towards her mother and then I will be there to help her through this. My niece is 9 and she has so many problems from the abuse she has endured from her mother and father. She still wets the bed and she still has wetting incidences during the day. This is a protective mechanism. She has social issue and other problems. I and my husband love her as if she were our own child and she and my biological daughter are very loving “sisters”.

And regardless of what anyone says, I strongly feel my sister should give her baby up for adoption. She is incapable of taking care of it. And my niece already suffered greatly in her hands, I would hate to see what would happen to another child. Also, I have to call Child Protective Services. I have been told to report my sister being around children unsupervised. She has visitation with her mother but only if it’s supervised. A woman is not allowed to have her child spend the night with her so there is no way she should have a baby in her house. She is very neglectful.

 

[7_Sorrows]

This is a very complicated situation. Being sober for a year is not very long. The odds that she will be abke to raise this baby consideringbher history are not very good. You and your sister and the baby will be in my prayers.

 

[gardenswithkids]

Sorry I was so vague in some of the details.

First - my sister is an alcoholic and a drug addict. … I have seen the pattern of her getting sober and going off the wagon many times. This is why I worry about the new baby.

… my niece already feels unwanted by her mother and she doesn’t know about the baby yet. **I’m not stupid or callous enough to tell her she’s not wanted. Geez, why would you people think I would do that? ** …

I didn’t think you’d necessarily say that, but you did ask somewhere in your first post, “But how do you explain to a nine year old that her mother doesn’t want her anymore but wants a baby.” It’s important that you say anything that even hints at or implies that. And if you are thinking this, you need to correct your thinking.

… This would be too big to try to hide it from my niece. The therapist says that her mother should tell her. The reason is that I am the protector. My role is now the “mom” and I take care of my niece and I protect her. When my niece learns about this baby, I and the therapist are predicting she is going to be mad and she is going to feel unwanted.

You are clearly very interested in protecting your niece. The niece you know survived her first nine months in your sister’s womb; the niece (or nephew) you don’t know hasn’t made it that long yet. Abortion is an form of child abuse. CPS can’t protect your developing niece or nephew if your sister decides to have an abortion. Some people in CPS might even encourage abortion in the type of situation you describe. The numbers of abortions that take place in this country is staggering, and quite often extended family members know nothing about them. Abortion threatens the lives of young humans in their mothers’ wombs. It threatens the lives of family members that we may never know.

This niece survived life in the womb, and in a society where abortion is legal for all nine months, that means her mother wanted her. Your sister didn’t abort her. Due to drugs, alcohol and more, your sister wasn’t able to properly care for her child–but that is *different *from not wanting her. Sometimes people want things that they cannot have. Sometimes people hope to do something but find they are unable to finish their work to completion for a variety of reasons.

Seriously, I recognize that you are doing something wonderful and extraordinary and very difficult by raising your niece. Thank you for that! But I also think that your sister deserves at least a little credit for having given birth instead of aborting. I know you are very close to the situation, so you see your sister’s many faults and failings–and you’ve had to step in to make up for them. What you might not see since you are so close to this is that she’s done at least some things right. She’s pregnant once again in less-than-ideal circumstances, and once again, she’s not having an abortion.

 

[noclevername]

I didn’t think you’d necessarily say that, but you did ask somewhere in your first post, “But how do you explain to a nine year old that her mother doesn’t want her anymore but wants a baby.” It’s important that you say anything that even hints at or implies that. And if you are thinking this, you need to correct your thinking.

You are clearly very interested in protecting your niece. The niece you know survived her first nine months in your sister’s womb; the niece (or nephew) you don’t know hasn’t made it that long yet. Abortion is an form of child abuse. CPS can’t protect your developing niece or nephew if your sister decides to have an abortion. Some people in CPS might even encourage abortion in the type of situation you describe. The numbers of abortions that take place in this country is staggering, and quite often extended family members know nothing about them. Abortion threatens the lives of young humans in their mothers’ wombs. It threatens the lives of family members that we may never know.

This niece survived life in the womb, and in a society where abortion is legal for all nine months, that means her mother wanted her. Your sister didn’t abort her. Due to drugs, alcohol and more, your sister wasn’t able to properly care for her child–but that is *different *from not wanting her. Sometimes people want things that they cannot have. Sometimes people hope to do something but find they are unable to finish their work to completion for a variety of reasons.

Seriously, I recognize that you are doing something wonderful and extraordinary and very difficult by raising your niece. Thank you for that! But I also think that your sister deserves at least a little credit for having given birth instead of aborting. I know you are very close to the situation, so you see your sister’s many faults and failings–and you’ve had to step in to make up for them. What you might not see since you are so close to this is that she’s done at least some things right. She’s pregnant once again in less-than-ideal circumstances, and once again, she’s not having an abortion.

Who said anything about abortion? I have never mentioned abortion and I am completely against it. Why would you bring this up. I am talking about ADOPTION!! Two completely different things. ADOPTION would give this child my sister is carrying a normal life with TWO loving parents.

 

[gardenswithkids]

Who said anything about abortion? I have never mentioned abortion and I am completely against it. Why would you bring this up. I am talking about ADOPTION!! Two completely different things. ADOPTION would give this child my sister is carrying a normal life with TWO loving parents.

I brought it up because some women in your sister’s situation turn to abortion as a way out of their unplanned pregnancy. I don’t know your sister, but I do know women who have had abortions. I also know people who support abortion rights. While you are suggesting adoption, others might encourage her to have an abortion.

I wish abortion wasn’t a legal option, but it’s legal here where I live. If your sister has a “legal right” to choose abortion, then the fact that she chose not too means that your sister loved her daughter enough to at least give birth to her. I give her credit for choosing life for your niece and for this newest niece or nephew of yours.

And I don’t know what kind of pressure your sister may be facing now with this unplanned pregnancy, perhaps from her employer with the fear she’ll lose her job, or from CPS who may threaten to take her next baby before she even had the baby, or from the father since she has a history of picking creeps, or who knows where else.

I’m not saying your sister is a saint. But maybe she’s not quite at bad as you think.