Sister killing herself

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iamrefreshed

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My sister is killing herself. She is an alcololic. Recently I let her move in with me but she is still maintaining her old lifestyle. She’s been married and divorced twice. The drinking does not stop.

We found her a job. She started July 1st. She lives in my home now but leaves on the weekends to stay with her “girlfriend”. Well her “girlfriend” has called my home and “she” is the guy she was living with a couple of hours drive from here. So now my sister is a drunk and a liar.

She called tonight to tell my wife she needed two weeks off to visit a friend who was dying in New York (total BS). We are in Florida. My wife got her the job at her company so this will pretty much make my wife look bad. This after less than a month on the job.

If you don’t know me but my wife and I are already bearing an incredibly heavy burden ourselves. This only adds to it.

How do we help her through our own pain?

How do you help someone who doesn’t want or think they need help?
 
It doesn’t sound like you can help her. She doesn’t want help. I think right now the most important thing you can do is not protect her from the consequences of her destructive decisions. It might be a good idea to look into Al-Anon.
 
First of all you need to tell her that she will have to tell her employer not you or your wife… she needs to be responsible for her own employment. Second I would tell her if she loses her job she can no longer stay with you… That way she has to make the choice to be responsible or not. It is her responsibility not yours!!! I know I sound harsh… but I am a recovering alcoholic! You are not doing her favors getting her a job or making excuses for her. She needs to be forced into accepting responsibility for her own life. If you want to chat, feel free to pm me.
 
The advice of the other posters is really good. 🙂

It sounds like there may be some personal issues, too. She may need to talk with someone about them, as they might be contributing factors to the alcoholism.
 
My brother is an alcoholic too and it puts a lot of stress on my family. I understand what you are going through somewhat. I am always hearing that alcoholism is a disease and the person can’t help it. but there are definitely things they can help and only they can change, or want to change.

Your sister is probably extremely hard to trust and to deal with but the fact that you are there for her is really important. But you can chose what you want to deal with and what you dont. I always tell my brother that I do not want to be around him when he is drunk. he isn’t welcome to call me when he is drunk either.

Have you ever thought about accompanying her to AA to see what goes on there? I have thought about doing that but haven’t gotten around to it yet.
 
Thanks for the replies. I realize I cannot make her issues my own. I will continue to let her stay here. She is hiding her drinking BTW. She must have a bottle stashed in her room. You can smell the booze on her. She knows she is not allowed to drink here. Yet she does it anyway. She has no respect for anyone let alone herself. She will flat out lie right to my face in what are soooo obvious lies. Is she stupid? Does she really think people believe her? It’s like a smoker coming in from a smoke and telling you they don’t smoke! Only they can’t tell.

I’m afraid she gets behind the wheel after drinking. Would I be out of line calling the cops? What if she kills some kid, I’d never forgive myself for not reporting her. She’s already had one DUI.

She does have other mental problems. She was prescribed some drug that she was not to take with alcohol. Once her Dr. found she was still drinking he refused to prescribe it anymore.

Thanks again for listening.
 
My brother has mental problems too. He never started drinking until he was 25, when he couldn’t take the anxiety anymore. of course it doesn’t work with his medicine. Exactly the same thing is going on, his psychiatrist refuses to treat him if he is drinking. It is a vicious circle. This tends to happen a lot in people with mental health problems. Self medication and addiction.

My brother doesn’t drive anymore, he doesn’t have access to a car. He can’t work but he has his own place to live in with the help of social assistance for people with disabilities. He tries to spend all his money on groceries, rent, utilities and necessities as soon as he gets it so there is no money left for booze, but it doesn’t really work.

I am dissapointed time and time again with the drinking. I never believe him when he says he is planning on quitting. I know you are supposed to be supportive but it is just all so fake isn’t it?

I know you care so much about your sister, but make sure you don’t let her lifestyle affect yours too much. As far as I know, AA is really the only solution. Rehab doesn’t always work as you probably know. My brother has been several times and it doesn’t help him… or he doesn’t help himself.

They will always find a way to get to the booze. Only they can change.

I know you don’t want her to become homeless… I think I would take my brother in as well in that case. Some alcoholics can work and live on their own - lots do. I would take the severe approach that our recovered poster mentioned and see if she can stand on her own two legs…
 
A book that has heped me deal with an alcoholic friend (and if it is a family member, I can only imagine how hard THAT must be!!):
“Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie.

Kathrin

p.s. Oh, and this I MUST add. My friend, whom almost everybody else had thought a “hopeless case”, has now been sober for over 3 years. He is a Vietnam vet and used to be homeless. He had further relapses after he was able to move inside, but I just kept saying there is no such thing as a hopeless case!
Yes, I had to “let go”, too, and M.Beattie says it very well in her book about letting go NOT meaning not caring. I don’t remember the exact quote. I had to distance myself a bit, but I kept letting him know that I was still his friend.
And his cat keeps him sober, he says.
 
iamrefreshed said:
Thanks for the replies. I realize I cannot make her issues my own. I will continue to let her stay here. She is hiding her drinking BTW. She must have a bottle stashed in her room. You can smell the booze on her. She knows she is not allowed to drink here. Yet she does it anyway. She has no respect for anyone let alone herself. She will flat out lie right to my face in what are soooo obvious lies. Is she stupid? She is living under a veil of deception and lying is one of the things an addict does best. Does she really think people believe her? It’s like a smoker coming in from a smoke and telling you they don’t smoke! Only they can’t tell.

I’m afraid she gets behind the wheel after drinking. Would I be out of line calling the cops? I would call the cops myself if a person was driving under the influence of alcohol. What if she were to kill innocent people if you did not call? How would you live with yourself if you didn’t make the call? What if she kills some kid, I’d never forgive myself for not reporting her. She’s already had one DUI.

She does have other mental problems. She was prescribed some drug that she was not to take with alcohol. Once her Dr. found she was still drinking he refused to prescribe it anymore.

Thanks again for listening.
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I understand your feelings of obligation in taking the loved one under your roof. If it is affecting your spouse and/or children or the relationship between any of you, the sister must go. I would be very concerned about having my children around a person who is actively drinking and lying. There is a very fine line between being supportive and enabling. You have been given some very good advice by other posters. Arm yourself with as much info on alcoholism as you can and keep always in mind your first commitment must be to your spouse and children. Peace be with you.
 
You need to email or PM LSK. Find her in the member directory and look up her posts. They can be very helpful to you.
 
Kathrin said:
A book that has heped me deal with an alcoholic friend (and if it is a family member, I can only imagine how hard THAT must be!!):
“Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie.

Kathrin

p.s. Oh, and this I MUST add. My friend, whom almost everybody else had thought a “hopeless case”, has now been sober for over 3 years. He is a Vietnam vet and used to be homeless. He had further relapses after he was able to move inside, but I just kept saying there is no such thing as a hopeless case!
Yes, I had to “let go”, too, and M.Beattie says it very well in her book about letting go NOT meaning not caring. I don’t remember the exact quote. I had to distance myself a bit, but I kept letting him know that I was still his friend.
And his cat keeps him sober, he says.
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I own that book. It has been helpful under other circumstances in my life. I think it might rate a re-read.
 
iamrefreshed said:
If you don’t know me but my wife and I are already bearing an incredibly heavy burden ourselves. This only adds to it.

How do we help her through our own pain?

How do you help someone who doesn’t want or think they need help?
Click to expand...
Go to AL-ANON. AL-ANON is the sister organization to Alcoholics Anonymous. I am a recovered alcoholic, 23 years sober in AA.👍

Please try to understand that you cannot help an alcoholic in denial, but you can help yourself in AL-ANON, which will also help you deal with the Alcoholic. You must learn to detach yourself from the problem, and not be part of the problem as an enabler.😦

After you are comfortable in AL-ANON, you may want to go to some “open” AA meetings and hear the stories there, to better understand the battle that we alcoholics have to fight.

Do not give up hope. Pray…but go to AL-ANON. Please
 
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