Sister Making Imprudent Financial and Relationship Decisions

[pensmama87]

You might try posting somewhere like this:

cafemom.com/group/114270

It is described as:

You may want to ask them about your sister. What worries me is both the potential burden on her and what might happen to the child if she is there for a while, say a couple of years, and then they break up. How will the child react if she is no longer in his life. And that’s a good point that since she wants her own biological children, this child will have an impact on them.

Best of luck to you. I can see that this is really hard.

Thanks for the link.

It is very hard. She really wants someone to approve of her, and I think that’s the only reason I have all the details that I do. She sounded so proud - “I put this amount in savings,” “I am helping boyfriend do this with his kid,” “I am going to help my boyfriend go through school.” I did not want to tear her down at all, but I’m thinking to myself, “She thinks these things make her responsible and grown up…and that’s not it, at all…and why is nobody saying anything?!”

She seems to think that being grown up is constant adult-type drama…but IMO it’s pretty boring if you do it right. Occasional drama flares up now and then, but it shouldn’t be a 24x7 thing. She’s had some awful experiences in the romance department, but other than that she’s been incredibly sheltered, but she doesn’t know it.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I am sure that it is no fun to watch you little sister suffer. However… I feel the need to speak the truth in love. I don’t understand why you would want your parents to say something. I have to wonder (and this is just for you to answer to yourself) if you are not a little jealous that you were responsible and your little sister who was irresponsible is getting a free ride living at home? It almost seems a little like tattling to ask you parents to tell your sister to break up with her boyfriend

Now, I also think that your sister may be the type to never have received praise or credit for a job well done. So, if you really want to help her, start showing complimenting her on the things she does do well. For example, if she cooks a meal and it is delicious, tell her so. Or whatever hobbies she has

Also, if your sister sense you disapprove of her boyfriend, she will feel the need to defend him all the more. If she calls you up to cry on your shoulder about something he did, do NOT and I repeat do NOT tell her to dump him. She will surely NEVER tell you again about anything he did to hurt her. Instead, there are 2 routes to take. The reverse psychology ie sympathize with her and say ‘yeah that would hurt me as well’. if she asks how to work it out, give some suggestions on how to work things out as if he was a reasonable human being. It will make your sister feel like it is her decision whether or not to dump him. If you can’t do that, take the second route ‘Sorry you are going through this sis, but I don’t feel comfortable helping you’ It is honest.

As much as it hurts to see a loved one self destruct, God respects her free will and so should you.

Angie

 

[silver_moon]

Thanks for the link.

It is very hard. She really wants someone to approve of her, and I think that’s the only reason I have all the details that I do. She sounded so proud - “I put this amount in savings,” “I am helping boyfriend do this with his kid,” “I am going to help my boyfriend go through school.” I did not want to tear her down at all, but I’m thinking to myself, “She thinks these things make her responsible and grown up…and that’s not it, at all…and why is nobody saying anything?!”

She seems to think that being grown up is constant adult-type drama…but IMO it’s pretty boring if you do it right. Occasional drama flares up now and then, but it shouldn’t be a 24x7 thing. She’s had some awful experiences in the romance department, but other than that she’s been incredibly sheltered, but she doesn’t know it.

It’s hard knowing how unrealistic all this is, knowing there is a child involved and a birth mother who may or may not be stable, may or may not have moved on, or may not be compatible with your sister in personality. But as you said she may not understand until she’s lived it. So much depends on details like the relationship between her boyfriend and the birth mother that really are private.

I agree with you about the lack of drama being a good thing.

 

[Evania]

I wish I had advice to give, but I’m kind of dealing with this situation myself with a friend who seems similar to your sister. It’s hard to witness, I know. Sometimes, all we can do is love and pray, and you seem to be doing just that. Unfortunately, since you don’t have much contact with your sis there’s going to be little you can say or do. Since you both don’t speak that often, it may cause her to shut down if you say too much, kind of like, “We never talk. Why is she butting into my life and telling me what/what not to do?” Perhaps you can start calling her on a weekly or bi-weekly basis, send her texts building her up and telling her that you’re thinking of her, and just try to build your relationship. I think she may be more receptive then. But then again, she may not be. But if nothing else, she knows that if she ever needs to talk you’re available, and that you love her very much. You sound like a wonderful sister BTW.

 

[Xantippe]

I wish I had advice to give, but I’m kind of dealing with this situation myself with a friend who seems similar to your sister. It’s hard to witness, I know. Sometimes, all we can do is love and pray, and you seem to be doing just that. Unfortunately, since you don’t have much contact with your sis there’s going to be little you can say or do. Since you both don’t speak that often, it may cause her to shut down if you say too much, kind of like, “We never talk. Why is she butting into my life and telling me what/what not to do?” Perhaps you can start calling her on a weekly or bi-weekly basis, send her texts building her up and telling her that you’re thinking of her, and just try to build your relationship. I think she may be more receptive then. But then again, she may not be. But if nothing else, she knows that if she ever needs to talk you’re available, and that you love her very much. You sound like a wonderful sister BTW.

Exactly.

 

[pensmama87]

Received a Christmas card from my sister this week, with a picture of her, boyfriend, and kid, signed “from my family to yours.”

Gol-ly, girl! At least make him put a ring on it! :banghead:

 

[Irishmom2]

Here is the thing that jumped out at me.

She lives at home rent free with your parents and she wants to give her money to her boyfriend.

If she was self supporting from her job and lived on her own and could put money aside for him, that would be one thing. But to have your parents in effect, supporting her by allowing her to not have to spend her salary on rent and whatever else they provide her with, they are being used by her, or they are enabling her.

Either way, I don’t believe she or your parents will want to hear any criticism from you. But maybe it needs to be said anyway.

By the way, has your sister gone to school? If not, maybe you can encourage her to take care of herself first instead of wanting to pay for her boyfriends schooling.

 

[pensmama87]

Here is the thing that jumped out at me.

She lives at home rent free with your parents and she wants to give her money to her boyfriend.

If she was self supporting from her job and lived on her own and could put money aside for him, that would be one thing. But to have your parents in effect, supporting her by allowing her to not have to spend her salary on rent and whatever else they provide her with, they are being used by her, or they are enabling her.

Either way, I don’t belboyor your parents will want to hear any criticism from you. But maybe it needs to be said anyway.

By the way, has your sister gone to school? If not, maybe you can encourage her to take care of herself first instead of wanting to pay for her boyfriends schooling.

She has a BA and is working as a receptionist (which for some reason requires a BA these days). Her goal in life is to be a SAHM. Not a bad goal - I do it myself - but she definitely also wants a particular kind of lifestyle, and I don’t think she knows just how much household income is required for that kind of life.

I do know now that my parents won’t be financing this arrangement much longer because come March they are shacking up. My sister has been paying his legal fees. Under the GI bill he’ll get school money and some living expenses.

I apparently am the only one offering sanity. My mother and father have given up. Boyfriend’s family wants sister to pay for more stuff, probably so they’re not paying for him. Apparently I’m the only one who thinks that if they’re going to get more tangled together they might as well get married. But I’m also the religious nut of the family, so that advice is best discarded. Sister wants a Wedding™.

The only thing I think makes sense here is that she’s panicking and she gets a “ready-made” family. As she likes to remind me, I’m a lot less pretty than she is, but at her age I was married and had my first. She also has a “save the guy from himself” habit. But she’s also smart. If it was any of her girlfriends she’d say to split in a minute. I am very frustrated with her for that reason. That frustration is definitely getting in the way of being able to talk to her in a way that would be fruitful.

I think I need to pray for someone else to come into her life. Thank you for that suggestion, Monicad.