Sister planning to marry non-Catholic boyfriend

[allen2690]

My sister and her boyfriend, who are both 25-years-old, have been a couple for nearly seven years. When they first started dating, I was very taciturn towards him. However, I gradually began to like him since he is a very kind, generous, and helpful person. My parents and relatives love him and think of him as a member of the family. We often invite him over on family occasions. My main issue is that he is a Muslim. However, I have noticed that he drinks alcohol and eats pork (mostly bacon).

They both started talking about marriage a few months ago after they had attended one of their friends’ wedding. My sister has told me that if they get married, she will remain Catholic and he will stay Muslim. They have thought of having a civil marriage, but I told them that it would be a mortal sin and that she has an obligation to be married within the Church.

The other problem that I have with her boyfriend is that he still hasn’t introduced my sister to his parents. Not once has she met them or been invited to his house for supper. They are devout Muslims and I’m pretty sure they would not approve of this relationship unless she converts to Islam. I have mentioned this to my sister, but she avoids talking about it so it doesn’t upset her too much. Unfortunately, my sister is diagnosed with Lupus and does have cardiac problems. I fear that addressing this issue might exacerbate her condition.

I know that they are both adults and are capable of making their own choices, but I strongly feel that if she converted to Islam, it would cause a strain in our relationship. Even worse, I fear for her soul if she leaves The One True Faith. I am totally against proselytizing her boyfriend and will not tell him to convert to the Catholic faith in order to marry my sister since I believe that conversion should come from within oneself.

What should I do?

Any advice on this situation?

 

[Miss_Felicity]

Muslim men are allowed to marry non Muslim women. It is only Muslim women who are required strongly encouraged to marry only within their faith. The way I see it the fact that she has not met his family is an issue that needs resolved but I don’t know if you bringing it up will help unfortunately. Do your parents know she has not met his family, what are they saying?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

My sister and her boyfriend, who are both 25-years-old, have been a couple for nearly seven years. When they first started dating, I was very taciturn towards him. However, I gradually began to like him since he is a very kind, generous, and helpful person. My parents and relatives love him and think of him as a member of the family. We often invite him over on family occasions. My main issue is that he is a Muslim. However, I have noticed that he drinks alcohol and eats pork (mostly bacon).

They both started talking about marriage a few months ago after they had attended one of their friends’ wedding. My sister has told me that if they get married, she will remain Catholic and he will stay Muslim. They have thought of having a civil marriage, but I told them that it would be a mortal sin and that she has an obligation to be married within the Church.

The other problem that I have with her boyfriend is that he still hasn’t introduced my sister to his parents. Not once has she met them or been invited to his house for supper. They are devout Muslims and I’m pretty sure they would not approve of this relationship unless she converts to Islam. I have mentioned this to my sister, but she avoids talking about it so it doesn’t upset her too much. Unfortunately, my sister is diagnosed with Lupus and does have cardiac problems. I fear that addressing this issue might exacerbate her condition.

I know that they are both adults and are capable of making their own choices, but I strongly feel that if she converted to Islam, it would cause a strain in our relationship. Even worse, I fear for her soul if she leaves The One True Faith. I am totally against proselytizing her boyfriend and will not tell him to convert to the Catholic faith in order to marry my sister since I believe that conversion should come from within oneself.

What should I do?

Any advice on this situation?

Has your sister discussed with this man what would happen when they have children? Catholics are obligated to raise the children in the faith. I would be willing to bet a WHOLE lot of money that when they start having children, especially if any are male, that family of his will show up and make sure that the children are raised in Islam and not as Catholics. I would be very alarmed, frankly, about this mixed marriage. After they are married things could change quite a lot, and she could be in for a lot of misery.

 

[allen2690]

Muslim men are allowed to marry non Muslim women. It is only Muslim women who are required strongly encouraged to marry only within their faith. The way I see it the fact that she has not met his family is an issue that needs resolved but I don’t know if you bringing it up will help unfortunately. Do your parents know she has not met his family, what are they saying?

I did not know that. Thank you for mentioning it.
My parents are aware of it and said hopefully my sister and her boyfriend will address the issue. I think it’s because of the fact that my sister is a non-Muslim that he is afraid of the problems it might cause with his parents.

 

[allen2690]

Has your sister discussed with this man what would happen when they have children? Catholics are obligated to raise the children in the faith. I would be willing to bet a WHOLE lot of money that when they start having children, especially if any are male, that family of his will show up and make sure that the children are raised in Islam and not as Catholics. I would be very alarmed, frankly, about this mixed marriage. After they are married things could change quite a lot, and she could be in for a lot of misery.

The topic of children has not been addressed yet. I am aware that if a Catholic marries a non-Catholic, their children should be raised Catholic and I will be sure to tell them that if they’re planning to have kids.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

The topic of children has not been addressed yet. I am aware that if a Catholic marries a non-Catholic, their children should be raised Catholic and I will be sure to tell them that if they’re planning to have kids.

IF they are planning to have kids? Catholics also cannot use artificial birth control. Are they already living together as husband and wife?

 

[allen2690]

IF they are planning to have kids? Catholics also cannot use artificial birth control. Are they already living together as husband and wife?

No, they are not cohabiting.

 

[Pablopedro]

You mentioned that her boyfriend drinks alcohol and eats pork. Perhaps he is Muslim because of his parents and how he was raised, but is not sure about the religion or its rules himself. He might very well agree to marry in the Catholic church and to raise the children Catholic. If so give the wedding your full blessing and be happy for them. Compassion is the surest way to convert people to the faith. Your potential future brother-in-law might just end up converting to Catholicism in the future himself if it is shown as compassionate and he feels welcomed within the community. I recommend approaching the matter very tenderly and diplomatically.

 

[Lancer]

I would simply share this part of Code of Canon Law…she and her future spouse… both…have some serious things to consider and accomplish…overcome the impediment of Disparity of Cult…if she is going to remain in good standing within the Church (receive the sacraments). Also, her marriage…even with a dispensation for disparity of cult granted by her bishop…will not be a sacramental marriage…unless her spouse sometime later is baptized. Our God can work through anything…if we are submissive to Him and His Church. Key to me…she and her future spouse need to discuss all this “stuff” with her pastor and (at least he with) his Imam…then by themselves in total openness of heart…also considering family situations…and make a decision based on their faiths and their desires…not the family.

Code of Canon Law
**
Can. 1086 §1. A marriage between two persons, one of whom has been baptized in the Catholic Church** or received into it and has not defected from it by a formal act and the **other of whom is not baptized, is invalid.
**
§2. A person is not to be dispensed from this impediment unless the conditions mentioned in cann. ⇒ 1125 and ⇒ 1126 have been fulfilled.

Can. 1125 The local ordinary can grant a permission of this kind if there is a just and reasonable cause. He is not to grant it unless the following conditions have been fulfilled:

1/ the** Catholic party is to declare** that he or she is prepared to remove dangers of defecting from the faith and is to make a sincere promise to do all in his or her power so that all offspring are baptized and brought up in the Catholic Church;

2/ the other party is to be informed at an appropriate time about the promises which the Catholic party is to make, in such a way that it is certain that he or she is truly aware of the promise and obligation of the Catholic party;

3/ both parties are to be instructed about the purposes and essential properties of marriage which** neither of the contracting parties is to exclude**.

Can. 1126 It is for the** conference of bishops to establish the method in which these declarations and promises, which are always required, must be made and to define the manner in which they are to be established in the external forum and the non-Catholic party informed about them.**

Strongly recommend this page on USCCB’s website…Interfaith Marriages…here is an excerpt on the Church’s Pastoral stance…respect & help…

Because of the challenges that arise when a Catholic marries someone of a different religion, the church doesn’t encourage the practice, but it does try to support interfaith couples and help them prepare to meet those challenges with a spirit of holiness. Theologian Robert Hater, author of the 2006 book, “When a Catholic Marries a Non-Catholic,” writes: “To regard mixed religion marriages negatively does them a disservice. They are holy covenants and must be treated as such.”

foryourmarriage.org/catholic-marriage/church-teachings/interfaith-marriages/

Pax Christi

 

[JackieMom]

Your parents should have tried to get your sister to end the relationship 7 years ago. It will be tough to intervene at this point. Even if the boyfriend is not an active Muslim now, a lot changes when babies are born. The fact that your sister has not met his family in 7 years is downright bizarre. Does HE visit his parents? Honestly, I don’t see this ending well. Why would a practicing Catholic want to enter into marriage with a Muslim, even a nominal one?

 

[allen2690]

You mentioned that her boyfriend drinks alcohol and eats pork. Perhaps he is Muslim because of his parents and how he was raised, but is not sure about the religion or its rules himself. He might very well agree to marry in the Catholic church and to raise the children Catholic. If so give the wedding your full blessing and be happy for them. Compassion is the surest way to convert people to the faith. Your potential future brother-in-law might just end up converting to Catholicism in the future himself if it is shown as compassionate and he feels welcomed within the community. I recommend approaching the matter very tenderly and diplomatically.

I think you’re right. He is probably a Muslim because of his parents. If he truly was a practising Muslim, he would follow Islam’s dietary restrictions.

I’ll continue to pray for his conversion and ask our Blessed Mother to lead him to her son, Jesus Christ. Thanks for the great advice.

 

[allen2690]

I would simply share this part of Code of Canon Law…she and her future spouse… both…have some serious things to consider and accomplish…overcome the impediment of Disparity of Cult…if she is going to remain in good standing within the Church (receive the sacraments). Also, her marriage…even with a dispensation for disparity of cult granted by her bishop…will not be a sacramental marriage…unless her spouse sometime later is baptized. Our God can work through anything…if we are submissive to Him and His Church. Key to me…she and her future spouse need to discuss all this “stuff” with her pastor and (at least he with) his Imam…then by themselves in total openness of heart…also considering family situations…and make a decision based on their faiths and their desires…not the family.

Strongly recommend this page on USCCB’s website…Interfaith Marriages…here is an excerpt on the Church’s Pastoral stance…respect & help…

Pax Christi

I’m aware of all of this information since I’ve read it in Spirago’s Catechism, but thank you for sharing.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

You mentioned that her boyfriend drinks alcohol and eats pork. Perhaps he is Muslim because of his parents and how he was raised, but is not sure about the religion or its rules himself. He might very well agree to marry in the Catholic church and to raise the children Catholic. If so give the wedding your full blessing and be happy for them. Compassion is the surest way to convert people to the faith. Your potential future brother-in-law might just end up converting to Catholicism in the future himself if it is shown as compassionate and he feels welcomed within the community. I recommend approaching the matter very tenderly and diplomatically.

If he converts to another religion he is seen as an infidel, a traitor, and will be cut off from his family at least. This is not what “radical” Muslims do, it’s part of their religion. There is no walking away from Islam. It doesn’t work the way Christianity does.

I’d advise a lot of caution and I’m surprised the OP’s sister hasn’t thought about this more carefully. They’ve been together for SEVEN YEARS and she has never met his family. And no explanation of why? Even worse!

 

[allen2690]

Your parents should have tried to get your sister to end the relationship 7 years ago. It will be tough to intervene at this point. Even if the boyfriend is not an active Muslim now, a lot changes when babies are born. The fact that your sister has not met his family in 7 years is downright bizarre. Does HE visit his parents? Honestly, I don’t see this ending well. Why would a practicing Catholic want to enter into marriage with a Muslim, even a nominal one?

I think it would be difficult for my parents to end their relationship from the start since they were both 18-year-old adults and my sister had moved out and found her own place. My parents can’t monitor her daily life and every action she does.

From what I’ve heard from my sister. his relationship with his parents is quite difficult.

My sister is not a practising Catholic, unfortunately. She is a Christmas/Easter Catholic. I’m still praying for both of their conversions.

 

[allen2690]

If he converts to another religion he is seen as an infidel, a traitor, and will be cut off from his family at least. This is not what “radical” Muslims do, it’s part of their religion. There is no walking away from Islam. It doesn’t work the way Christianity does.

I’d advise a lot of caution and I’m surprised the OP’s sister hasn’t thought about this more carefully. They’ve been together for SEVEN YEARS and she has never met his family. And no explanation of why? Even worse!

That’s what I’m worried about. There has been cases of honour killings in Canada and they are still common in Islamic countries. It’s barbaric.

 

[Miss_Felicity]

Its also important to know if he is an American Muslim or foreign born, there are some behaviors and beliefs that are cultural to certain countries but they are not part of the Muslim religion. What type of Muslim is he? That also makes a big difference too.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

That’s what I’m worried about. There has been cases of honour killings in Canada and they are still common in Islamic countries. It’s barbaric.

I think you have every cause for concern. Pray for your sister. I cannot imagine what she is thinking, really. Of course he’s probably a lovely human being, not to disparage him at all. But if my boyfriend had not introduced me to his family after the first year, minimum, I’d be wary and probably it would be a deal killer because it would mean that something is not normal. Either he’d be hiding me from his family, or hiding his family from me, or both. Or, he had such a messed-up childhood that he wants nothing to do with his family, which is its own kind of insanity.

:nope:

If she wants to be married in the Church, they will have to go through pre-Cana, which might turn up some of these issues. They would probably end up with a dispensation - it seems the Church just rarely says, “No” to anyone - but at least perhaps they’d have had to get all of this stuff out in the open.

 

[allen2690]

Its also important to know if he is an American Muslim or foreign born, there are some behaviors and beliefs that are cultural to certain countries but they are not part of the Muslim religion. What type of Muslim is he? That also makes a big difference too.

I think he was born in Morocco, but was raised in Canada. I do know that his mother does not wear a head-covering, but his parents are practising Muslims. He does, however, have a difficult relationship with them because he does disagree with some of the Islamic teachings.

 

[allen2690]

I think you have every cause for concern. Pray for your sister. I cannot imagine what she is thinking, really. Of course he’s probably a lovely human being, not to disparage him at all. But if my boyfriend had not introduced me to his family after the first year, minimum, I’d be wary and probably it would be a deal killer because it would mean that something is not normal. Either he’d be hiding me from his family, or hiding his family from me, or both. Or, he had such a messed-up childhood that he wants nothing to do with his family, which is its own kind of insanity.

:nope:

If she wants to be married in the Church, they will have to go through pre-Cana, which might turn up some of these issues. They would probably end up with a dispensation - it seems the Church just rarely says, “No” to anyone - but at least perhaps they’d have had to get all of this stuff out in the open.

Her boyfriend is a very good person, I can assure you that. He treats her very kindly and is respectful to my parents and me. That’s why we like him very much. I know it will literally break my sister’s heart if their relationship ended. She is on medication for cardiac problems because of her Lupus and he always drives her to her doctor’s appointments and to the pharmacy to pick up her meds. He has a really good heart. I just have to approach this situation very gently and carefully. I’ll let her and her boyfriend know everything about the Church’s teachings on interfaith marriages.

I think the reason why he did not introduce her to his family is because she is not Muslim and is fully aware of what their reaction would be to their relationship. They love each other very much and when you feel that way, you cannot bear to be without them. I should mention that my sister said that his mother did see her when she was at work. His mother smiled at her, but that was it.

 

[Pablopedro]

Her boyfriend is a very good person, I can assure you that. He treats her very kindly and is respectful to my parents and me. That’s why we like him very much. I know it will literally break my sister’s heart if their relationship ended. She is on medication for cardiac problems because of her Lupus and he always drives her to her doctor’s appointments and to the pharmacy to pick up her meds. He has a really good heart. I just have to approach this situation very gently and carefully. I’ll let her and her boyfriend know everything about the Church’s teachings on interfaith marriages.

I think the reason why he did not introduce her to his family is because she is not Muslim and is fully aware of what their reaction would be to their relationship. They love each other very much and when you feel that way, you cannot bear to be without them. I should mention that my sister said that his mother did see her when she was at work. His mother smiled at her, but that was it.

Consider the possibility that God is calling this wonderful man to him and to be a part of His Church. Perhaps your sister is the instrument by which God will make this happen. What you said earlier about praying to Mary for them was absolutely the best action for you to take.