Sister problems? What should I do?

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Sister problems? What should I do?
I have three sisters, the oldest is in her forties and she is married with 4 kids. When we have family get-togethers like birthdays, confirmations, first communions etc… My sisters always makes so much of her sister and brothers in-law and she seems to have more time and respect for her husbands mother and barely speaks to mum and dad. I met her And my nephews while I was out shopping last week and she couldn’t get away quick enough but I seen her later after I finished shopping talking to her husbands brother and had a lot of time to talk. I sometimes think she is embarrassed or ashamed of her own family which is very hurtful, we are all very good to the kids and love them and they are very close to us. I just don’t get why she is like this? She has owed mum money down thru the years but never pays them back, she has owed myself money which I never seen and she only ever phones us if she is looking for a lift somewhere or to babysit. Our parents are amazing and we couldn’t have asked for a better upbringing I don’t understand why she is so cold hearted and unkind to her own family? The reality is this has been going on for years but we sweep it under the carpet to prevent arguments my sister has always been set in her ways and her opinion is always the right one and if anyone had a difference of opinion she would cut us off. The older I’m getting the less patience I have with the way she treats us especially mum and dad. What should I do? I’ve started asking Our Lady to help us when I’m praying the rosary.
 
You said she owes money to you and to your parents. That probably makes things very awkward for her. There are probably some other things going on too, but the money issue can be a big one.
 
ejlo1 said:
You said she owes money to you and to your parents. That probably makes things very awkward for her. There are probably some other things going on too, but the money issue can be a big one.
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Yes, I agree with this.

I am of the opinion that relatives and friends should not loan each other money. If they are going to give money, they should just give it, no strings attached. Having a sense of obligation existing in this way can be really toxic for both parties (though even if it’s a gift, sometimes it shows up in other ways - an expectation of favors or preferential treatment, or the expectation that one should give favors or preferential treatment.)

It’s possible that she really is a “gimme gimme” type, but from what you’ve written it seems equally possible that she is embarrassed and ashamed.

All the same, you and your parents can tell your sister that you don’t like your behavior. But you should only speak for yourself and not presume to speak for your parents. They can do that themselves if they like.
 
There is also the possibility that she holds some resentments towards your parents related to being the oldest child. I know myself, being the oldest of four that my parents were much more generous, lenient and relaxed with the younger kids growing up and I on the other hand, could never seem to do anything right in my parents eyes. I ended up leaving home a couple of months after I left school to work in the capital. That was 35 years ago and I’ve never lived at home since.

Perhaps you might get a chance to ask her why she is so cold towards you at some point?
 
LongingSoul said:
There is also the possibility that she holds some resentments towards your parents related to being the oldest child. I know myself, being the oldest of four that my parents were much more generous, lenient and relaxed with the younger kids growing up and I on the other hand, could never seem to do anything right in my parents eyes. I ended up leaving home a couple of months after I left school to work in the capital. That was 35 years ago and I’ve never lived at home since.

Perhaps you might get a chance to ask her why she is so cold towards you at some point?
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That’s a good point too. I am also the oldest of four. I left home at 17. I feel like a perpetual outsider, and there’s a lot about how my family relates to each other that I really just have no interest in being a part of (not all of it’s bad, it’s just not what I would choose for myself and my family.)

My siblings probably would consider me snooty. I don’t think I am, but perception changes a lot. I haven’t lived at home in 11 years. They’ve been together just the five of them (3 siblings plus mom and dad) for that time with only occasional visits from me. They have a completely different dynamic now that feels strange to me. I’m sure I come across as aloof sometimes.
 
So it sounds to me like she doesn’t hesitate to contact you or your parents when she needs money or a babysitter or a lift but she avoids you all like the plague when she doesn’t need anything.

Personally, I think I’d say something about that to her. Maybe she’s not aware of how she’s coming across- perhaps she’s become a bit self-centered and needs a wake up call.

But if it continued after I said something, I’d probably say the next time she asked that I wasn’t going to put myself out there in money or time for someone who never has time for me. It may not sound charitable, but I believe in tough love and sometimes people need to learn the lesson that comes with it.
 
It has clearly been festering for years. I think it is reasonable for you to try and bring all of your feelings out in a discussion with her. Perhaps it is as it appears, but maybe from her angle it is different. You will never know until you ask her about it. I don’t see that you have a great deal to loose as it stands now, and much to gain. Such a discussion might bring you closer together, but he have to be prepared in case it does not.

I am not good about burying such things over a long period of time. I often will get it out, so to speak, as soon as it is conveniently possible. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
 
Could she be embarrassed about not being as well off / having more crises / generally needing help more often than her younger siblings? An oldest has a lot of pressure to be the lead goose in the V. Hope this makes sense.
 
As others have said, she probably feels embarrassed about owing you money. She probably doesn’t even realize she is avoiding you, she is just avoiding her feeling of guilt/inadequacy and it has become habitual. I would suggest letting her know you don’t ever want or need the money back in a kind and light-hearted way if you want to repair the relationship (as in, don’t make out you are doing her a big favour, make out like things are good for you and you don’t need it). Realistically, you probably won’t get it back anyway…

Also, she will probably always use you mercilessly for babysitting etc. Such family dynamics are hard to change. I seem to always end up paying for everything whenever I see my younger sister… or do anything with her. It made sense when I was in my twenties and she was a teenager… it doesn’t make as much sense now that I am supporting a family and she is a single thirty year old, but it seems impossible to change now without calling her on it and probably causing offense. I’d rather pay up and see her periodically than not at all.
 
Your sister is confident in the love that u and your family have for her-so perhaps at times she is not giving you the best treatment.

Perhaps she is not as confident with her inlaws and feels that she has to still earn acceptance, so she treats them differently.

At any rate, you should ask her about it and clear the air
 
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