Sister problems

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I’m facing a major dilemma. I recently got engaged to the most wonderful man a woman could ever ask for, and I eagerly asked all three of my sisters to be bride’s maids. Shortly after that I found out that one of my sisters is possibly having an affair and is in the process of kicking her husband out of the house. She is talking about divorce.

What do I do about her being in the wedding? I love her because she is my sister, but I don’t want to cause a scandal for one thing. For another thing, I don’t see how she can stand up at the alter and support me and my fiance on our wedding day when she hasn’t been true to the vows that she and her husband made on that same alter 5 years ago.

I don’t think it is appropriate for her to be in the wedding, but I know my mom and dad would not approve of me uninviting her to be in the wedding, and I already have a strained relationship with my parents because I am Catholic. (They are technically Catholic too, but they don’t understand the Church’s teaching and they don’t go to Church or support my decision to go to Church)

What do I do? I can’t ignore it and hope it goes away. My fiance says that I just need to tell her she can’t be in the wedding. But I know this will cause so many problems within my family. Any advice?
 
She is lucky to have a sister like you and God has certainly put her beside you for a purpose. She needs your help therefore don’t do anything that will drive her away from you or you will not be able to help her. You ought to talk to her about what marriage is and help her to see the truth but i will suggest do not link it to your wedding and bridal train just a sister talking to her sister.
 
Pray hard and ask Jesus to help you discern what is best for her. Is it best that she be “shocked” by not being in your wedding? Is it best for her to participate in the wedding so that she see again, the beauty of marriage and to hear again the wedding vows?
Only you, and Christ, in prayerful discernment can choose.

May God be with you

Peace
James
 
You are not her judge or confessor. Do not on the basis of your moral judgement of her, keep her on the sidelines of your marriage. Her standing next to you, is not a blemish on you or your wedding.
 
Honestly, I know the wedding is just a day, and that what really matters is the marriage that follows. I am just so hurt by her actions. Her husband is a good man and a good father to their three children. She just belittles him, and I’ve always noticed it, but more so recently. It is hard for me to know what’s going on all the time because I am in college 4 hours away from home so I don’t see the interactions that they have all the time. I only know what I see when I’m at home and from what my other family members tell me.

I honestly don’t know how to talk to her about it though because she never listens to me. I am the baby sister and she says that it is impossible for me to know anything about marriage and raising a family because I have never been married and I have no children. To make things worse my family never talks to each other about anything substantial. They just don’t know how to handle discussions. I can honestly say I can’t ever remember having a discussion with anybody in my family about a problem that I am having. It’s all very “fix it yourself”. And when I try they say that I am preachy, which I’m not trying to be and they back me into all sorts of corners. I don’t know what to do.

I don’t want to cause disruption in the family. I feel like our marriage is already the start of a long line of disappointments for them. I don’t want to make it worse than it has to be. But I am very hurt by this whole thing. She talks bad about her husband in front of the kids and her oldest son is 7 and he calls his dad names. (I just realized this when I was home for Christmas break.) I can see how this is affecting her children and her husband, and she is just thinking about herself and it breaks my heart.

I don’t know, I may have gotten way off topic, but I just need some help. Not only with whether she should be in the wedding or not. I feel kind of selfish myself that I don’t want her up there with me.
 
keep her in the wedding, it will only start more problems if you don’t. no offense, but your sisters marriage is none of your business. you are not to judge her. pray for her and her family.
 
my sister aloowed me to be in her wedding when i was 10 weeks pregnant out of wedlock. she never made an issue out of it,(though it was in her heart) in order to not humiliate me.

it was a loving and generous thing she did.

but, your sister may be heading down the path of ruination. you cannot judge her soul and motives, but you can rightly discern the objectively mortal sinfulness of adultery. pray about the possibility of doing a most charitable spiritual work of mercy-- correcting the sinner.

because your family is not good at communicating, perhaps you can ***write ***your thoughts and prayers for her. (your writing skills are equal to the task.) then, don’t print and send until you’ve prayed-- let the letter sit a day or two. rash action will not be helpful. so pray for prudence. if you get a sense that sending it will be helpful, then send.
 
Thanks Monicatholic.

Honestly, I love her to bits. She’s my sister. I don’t feel as though I am judging her as a person. She also got pregnant out of wedlock. She had her oldest child two weeks after her high school graduation. I’ve always supported her even though her actions were not always the best or the most thought out. When I was in high school I would watch her son after school so that she could go to work and not have to pay for daycare. I was surprised that she got pregnant, but that was never a real issue because we were so happy about the baby. I stayed in the hospital all night waiting for the little man to be born.

I’m a psychology major and what I want to do the most is counsel young children who are in situations that are less then ideal for their emotional well-being. I fear for her children the most because I know that they are not in the best environment right now. I can see them hurting. I also work at a daycare, and I watch the kids whose parents are going through a divorce…they are miserable. I’m afraid that her son will think that their separation is his fault. She asked him the other day if he wanted his daddy to move out and he said he did. I know that he was just trying to please his mother. But he’s going to feel like it’s all his fault. I am terrified about what is going to happen to the kids. Her two other kids are age 3 and 2. I can see their attitudes and temperaments changing. They are getting to be quite the little handfuls. I know this is because they are starving for attention.

I will definitely be praying and discerning what to do. I like the idea of writing her a letter, although I am not sure about it. I don’t want this to be something that she can show to a lot of people and shove in my face later. I think I will write one and see how I feel afterward. Maybe God will grant me the grace to be able to start a conversation with her about it.
 
Are you going to make sure none of the rest of the wedding party have committed any grave sins? What about the guests? Can sinners be guests?

Let her see you doing the RIGHT thing.
 
kage_ar said:
Are you going to make sure none of the rest of the wedding party have committed any grave sins? What about the guests? Can sinners be guests?

Let her see you doing the RIGHT thing.
Click to expand...
Regardless of whatever major you might be, please don’t be so judgmental.

Kage_ar is right.

Let’s put aside the judgments and move on. Celebrate your day, leave your comments on the personal lives of others at the doorstep, or at your bachelorette party! 🙂
 
kage_ar said:
Are you going to make sure none of the rest of the wedding party have committed any grave sins? What about the guests? Can sinners be guests?

Let her see you doing the RIGHT thing.
Click to expand...
Please don’t judge me. I’m concerned for my sister’s soul. Of course other people in the wedding party have committed grave sins. Probably EVERYBODY in the wedding party has committed a grave sin. I’ve committed some grave sins in my life. That’s not the point. I understand that. That’s why we have confession. I can forgive her for the things she has done. Right now I am concerned about what is best for her as well as what is best for her children. You make me out to sound like a horrible person, but you don’t even know me. I love my sister. I want to do what is best for her.

Honestly, this isn’t even about whether she should be in the wedding or not. Part of the reason I even started this thread is because I don’t know how to help her. The only reason why I would ask her to not be in the wedding is to help her. That may sound weird. It may not even sound like the right thing to do. That’s kinda what I’m asking. By asking her not to be in the wedding would be my way of telling her that cheating on her husband is not ok. No matter how you slice it. Adultery is bad. I know that I don’t have 100% proof on that. She has definitely given us enough reasons to suspect it. Even if that is not the case, she shouldn’t be asking her 7-year-old if he thinks his daddy should move out of the house.
Rascalking said:
Regardless of whatever major you might be, please don’t be so judgmental.
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The reason I stated that I am a psychology major is because I am used to looking at the whole person. I am used to figuring out why a person acts the way they do. And I have done research on what happens to children when parents get divorced. Divorce affects the whole family. Not just the married couple. If children are involved, they most likely will be hurt by it in some way.

I just love her. And I’m in so much pain about the whole thing.
 
Someone needs to give our young people a course on what “judging” someone is.

According to the Church, I am judging you if I attempt to state if you are going to heaven or hell, or to say of my own authority that someone has gone to heaven, hell or purgatory.

I did not judge you.

We are called to judge actions, to see if those actions are examples of Christian love or not.

I also did not judge your actions - I gave you something to think about.

What you are talking about is asking if it is okay to judge your sister’s action and to act on that judgement.

I would suggest you do not accuse your sister of an affair unless she has TOLD you she is having an affair or you have seen her having sex with a man who is not her husband. If you do not want to ask her, then, do the loving thing - assume the BEST about your sister.

If she is having an affair, sooner or later she is going to be hurt and will need the love and support of her family to land on. Be there for her.
 
In that case, I sincerely apologize for thinking that you have judged me.

I do not feel as though I am judging her. I can’t say whether she is going to heaven or hell. I don’t want to. What I am asking is if it is ok to have someone in your wedding who doesn’t support the sacrament of marriage. How did I state whether she is going to heaven or hell? I honestly want to be corrected if I have said that. But I don’t want somebody to say that I am judging her without them explaining how I am doing that.
 
mous said:
In that case, I sincerely apologize for thinking that you have judged me.

I do not feel as though I am judging her. I can’t say whether she is going to heaven or hell. I don’t want to. What I am asking is if it is ok to have someone in your wedding who doesn’t support the sacrament of marriage. How did I state whether she is going to heaven or hell? I honestly want to be corrected if I have said that. But I don’t want somebody to say that I am judging her without them explaining how I am doing that.
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I said you were wanting to judge her actions. We are SUPPOSED to judge actions.

You want to judge her actions - determine from that judgement that she is an adultress and punish her for that being an adultress by kicking her off the altar at your wedding. You can do that if you choose.

It is not the most loving thing to do, it is a rather punitive thing to do. I would advise you to love her, to act like Jesus did when they caught a woman in the act of adultery. To show your sister love and compassion.

I advise you not to judge your sister’s actions based on what you suspect. I’d advise you to either ask her or drop it.

We are not supposed to judge people, and you are not judging a person. I did not say your were judging her soul. Lordy. Re-read what I wrote.
 
kage_ar, i think your explanation is good as far as it goes, but it doesnt go far enough. ***discernment ***is from the Holy Spirit.

we do not judge people, but we are called to discern actions— how else to know what is a sin in order to hate the sin (while loving the sinner?)

instructing the ignorant and admonishing the sinner are spiritual works of mercy. who better to admonish a sinner than her sister who loves her dearly and will still love her despite an obstinate sin?

perhaps OP doesn’t know for sure if sis is committing adultery. perhaps she doesn’t know for sure enough. but what she does discern is that the family is failing and that sis is doing doing desestructive things.

i assert: not only do most not know what it means to judge, most do not know what it means to discern. and most do not know how to lovingly admonish the sinner. perhaps for the eternal good of her sister and even her sister’s family, it’s time for mous to begin to learn these things. i think she’s trying.
 
kage_ar said:
We are not supposed to judge people, and you are not judging a person. I did not say your were judging her soul. Lordy. Re-read what I wrote.
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Again, I’m sorry. I’m just having a really bad/emotional day. I didn’t read it carefully enough.

You know how when you feel like a horrible person, you take everything to mean that you must be a horrible person? Maybe that’s just me, but that’s the kind of day I’ve been having.
 
mous said:
Again, I’m sorry. I’m just having a really bad/emotional day. I didn’t read it carefully enough.

You know how when you feel like a horrible person, you take everything to mean that you must be a horrible person? Maybe that’s just me, but that’s the kind of day I’ve been having.
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As long as you underscore everything you do with “will this help me get to heaven” - you are not a horrible person.
 
Just an FYI:

I just got done talking with my future spouse. We have decided to keep my sissy in the wedding. We are going to invite our entire wedding party (as well as our other family members) to celebrate the sacrament or Reconciliation before the ceremony. We had already talked to the priest about this, and he is willing to be there before the wedding to offer this to us. We are going to encourage everybody to receive this sacrament, and we will stress the importance of freeing oneself from the confines of sin. That way we can all come to the wedding with clean hearts. That way there is not ugliness, sadness, hatred, etc. but only pure joy. We are going to talk to them about this well in advance so that they are not surprised at the rehearsal or something like that. I really think that this is what God wants us to do. But we will continue to pray for guidance on this issue though. It’s like the Thomas Merton Prayer…"…I know that the desire to please you does in fact please you and I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing. I pray that I never do anything apart from that desire and I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road, though I may no nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always…" (I may have paraphrased)

Thanks for all of your help.
 
Mous it sounds like you have come to a conclusion about how to deal with this situation. I just wanted to mention a couple of things.

Firstly, pray, pray, pray for your sister but try your best not to become emotionally burdened by her problems and feel like you are supposed to help fix them. You will become miserable and it is unlikely to change the outcome in anyway. You sound from your posts like you are someone who wants to reach out and help others, which is obviously a loving Christian mindset. However, do your best to give yourself internal healthy boundaries so that you do not feel some responsibility for anyone else’s happiness. Be a loving Aunt to your sisters children and focus on your marriage.

Secondly I would advise not to put anything in writing to your sister. In this volatile situation anything in writing could come back to haunt you and you have no idea who will see what you have written. It could be used in ways you didn’t anticipate. From what you have said I’m not sure your sister is open to another point of view and it could just cause you more heartache. Instead, have Masses offered for her family and keep them constantly in your prayers. Let Jesus do the work in her heart.

Much love to you, your obviously love your sister and her family very much. God bless you.
 
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