Sister says I'm not a Christian

[OpenMyEyes]

It’s a long story. My brother who lived in another state than I do recently passed away. I also have two sisters. One sister, who by the way doesn’t believe in eternal life, was with him on the day he passed. Four days before he passed I flew there and spent 2 days with him. Prior to the day he died I was staying in contact with my sister who was with him, by text, very few phone calls. The day he passed, when I woke up, I sent a text to my sister to see how things were going and could not get a response. Finally I get a response saying to call my other sister. I was confused thinking, did I miss a message she thought she sent to me and I couldn’t understand why she said to call my sister - since she and I had been in contact for days. I respond - and tell her what?? Like I said, I thought maybe she thought she sent me a text with info to pass on to my other sister - but apparently not. Why not just take those few seconds when she typed “call Jane” and type “he’s not well” or “it’s getting close” or whatever? Within a few minutes, my oldest sister called me instead. I’m thinking ok, if she couldn’t take a few seconds to text me, she took the time to call and/or text my oldest sister? When my sister called, I was upset and all I could say was “she’s been telling me for days he’s dying, I know he’s dying, I just want to know what’s happening right now, how he’s doing this morning.” My voice was raised because I was upset and my oldest sister said “I can’t talk to you right now” and hung up on me. A few minutes later the sister who is with him calls my phone but I wasn’t near the phone and didn’t answer. Thank God I didn’t because I didn’t want to say something I didn’t mean. But oh did she leave me a voicemail! She cursed me out left and right. After the voicemail she began sending me texts saying some pretty bad stuff. Among other things she accused me of not being a Christian because I take medication for my back. I had a fusion but also have other herniations, nerve clumping and two other problems with my back. I do not abuse my medication and never have. She on the other hand had been doing drugs since she is 13 years old - that’s 40+ years ago. It’s just the road she took. Finally at the age of 57 she is now sober, really the first time in her life she’s been sober other than when she was pregnant. So I start getting these really nasty texts from her telling me that everyone who was at my brother’s house when I was there thought I was drunk or loaded and that I embarrassed her. She said I need to get help with my drug problem. She said I was not true to my Catholic faith because I fight with everyone and do drugs. I mean, I couldn’t believe what she was saying. I did not respond because I knew we were both under a lot of stress. I felt I “turned the other cheek”. That evening I get a text from her saying “MY brother passed away.” Like he wasn’t my brother. It has been 3 weeks and she has since sent me 2 texts - but no apologies. One was telling me about a friend of hers who just had some kind of procedure for his back and has helped with his pain and the second one was a picture of my brother’s urn. I had already received the picture from my niece. I did not respond in any way. Yesterday she called my phone but I did not answer. She doesn’t work. She collects disability and there is nothing wrong with her - no test to prove that she is disabled. I guess the fact that she had been going to this one doctor for 20 years getting pills is what helped her get on disability. Me on the other hand - I work and always have. I have an office job and I have to sit for most of the day which is very painful for me. I don’t know why I’m writing all this. I really don’t. I guess I just need to get it off of my chest. We were raised Catholic and out of all my family I’m the only one who still practices. I love my faith. I love Mass. I love Jesus. I go to Mass on the weekends and I go to daily Mass on my lunch hour but lately it’s been too hot to walk the six blocks there and six blocks back. I also enjoy Adoration once a week for the last 1 1/2 years. Out of all the things that came out of her mouth, the one that hurts the most is when she said that I’m not a Christian. Hey, I’m not perfect and never claimed to be. I’m a sinner in many ways. But I don’t know when will be the right time for me to answer her phone calls. I know the right thing to do is to apologize for my part and to forgive her for her part. I don’t feel like I’m ready yet. I put it in the Hands of the Lord the day my brother passed and I’m just waiting on Him. Thank you for listening.

 

[EasterJoy]

If your sister had made a verbal attack when you were children, you’d see it for what it was–a verbal attack aimed at your red buttons, made with the intention of getting you riled up or hurting your feelings. You’d know it was relational aggression, not a factual recitation of your character traits.

Your mistake is in thinking that people who have grown up in other aspects of their lives can ever be truly considered grown-ups in their relations with their parents and siblings. This can happen, but it is not a good bet. All bets are especially off when there is a birth, a death, a divorce, or a marriage. I would add all changes in sobriety status to that list, as well.

What your sister says about your Christianity only reflects on her level of anger. After that, who knows? I would certainly not conclude that anything she says is a level-headed or long-standing sentiment, whether it is good or bad. She’s on the warpath about something, but what exactly that is, who knows?

Resolve to readjust all of your reactions to this recent drama to the sensible response of taking it all with a grain of salt until you know what is causing it. Call whatever relatives you believe are most likely to remain sane in a crisis, tell them that your sister is saying weird stuff and doing weird things, and ask if they know what on earth is going on, since you’d rather not have your family dissolve before your eyes over some issue that you don’t even fully understand. She is really mad about something, you don’t know what, and you can’t do much until you do.

Do not communicate by e-mail or text message, and ESPECIALLY not by posts to Facebook, Twitter, or social media. NEVER communicate emotions that your are not 110%sure are shared by any of those modes of communication, but especially not the public ones.

Get on the phone and talk, and ALWAYS respond to new information by promising to think about how you feel about it before you blurt out something that you cannot take back. Respond by saying, “Are you saying this?” rather than by saying, “How can you say such a thing?” In other words, clarify, clarify, clarify. When there is a death in a family, people don’t hear as well, they don’t speak as well, they don’t react as well. You can see how much trouble has been caused by not knowing to follow these rules. Resolve that from now on, you’ll not make that mistake, and you’ll try to get others to avoid it, too.

 

[OpenMyEyes]

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and responding. A long time ago before my mom passed away I wrote an angry letter to my oldest sister. We have since reconciled but we don’t spend time together or even talk much even though we live 15 minutes away from each other. We may talk on the phone once or twice a year - three times, the most. Yes, it’s sad. But this is how its always been. That letter is how I learned NEVER to write when you are angry. It was this and more importantly The Grace of God that kept me from responding to these texts I was receiving. I still don’t know when the day will be that I will be able to answer my phone. I do know how she is and that this is bothering her big time. I have no desire to talk to her at this time. Time heals all and I suppose that’s what I need. So until I know how to respond, I won’t. Thanks and God Bless You!

 

[katiedidrn]

Please don’t put this in a box and tuck it away and let the issues go unanswered. Sounds like there is a lot of hurt on both sides that may have been festering for a long time. Maybe an “I love you note” when you get the opportunity and you feel that you have a hold on your feelings. Tell your sister that you love her, you know you had difficulties in the past that you have forgiven her and ask for her forgiveness. If you want to reconnect, knowing that your family is shrinking as you get older, tell her so. Ask her if she is willing to put the past behind, accept you, you accept her, as you both are and try to go forward. Maybe the death of your brother can unite the family–making everyone realize that life is not forever here on earth. I will pray for you. You and God know your heart and that is all that matters.

 

[LongingSoul]

The day he passed, when I woke up, I sent a text to my sister to see how things were going and could not get a response. Finally I get a response saying to call my other sister. I was confused thinking, did I miss a message she thought she sent to me and I couldn’t understand why she said to call my sister - since she and I had been in contact for days. I respond - and tell her what?? Like I said, I thought maybe she thought she sent me a text with info to pass on to my other sister - but apparently not. Why not just take those few seconds when she typed “call Jane” and type “he’s not well” or “it’s getting close” or whatever? Within a few minutes, my oldest sister called me instead. I’m thinking ok, if she couldn’t take a few seconds to text me, she took the time to call and/or text my oldest sister? When my sister called, I was upset and all I could say was “she’s been telling me for days he’s dying, I know he’s dying, I just want to know what’s happening right now, how he’s doing this morning.” My voice was raised because I was upset and my oldest sister said “I can’t talk to you right now” and hung up on me. A few minutes later the sister who is with him calls my phone but I wasn’t near the phone and didn’t answer.

OpenMyEyes, it seems that this recent bad blood started from your sister responding to your text telling you to ring your other sister to talk. You seem to have attributed a really negative motivation to her for doing that but there are many reasons she might have done this that are innocent. She may have been having a bad patch and just not wanting to discuss things at that moment. From experience, I know how hard it is to be the person who has always got to keep everyone else up to date on a person or people you are caring for. It’s tiring and draining to have to be doing it 10 times with many concerned relatives day after day and asking you to talk to your sister instead that day seems very reasonable.

I think that you could possibly have overreacted without due consideration of her feelings and the possibility she was tired or overwhelmed … and as we often do brought to the moment all the hurts of an entire lifetime to justify your anger.

Is it possible that you could have started this unfortunate chain reaction on that day? In your place I would go with that thought and answer her calls. The longer it goes on, the harder the fracture to heal.

 

[OpenMyEyes]

LongingSoul, I think you are right to a certain extent.
Thank you.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and responding. A long time ago before my mom passed away I wrote an angry letter to my oldest sister. We have since reconciled but we don’t spend time together or even talk much even though we live 15 minutes away from each other. We may talk on the phone once or twice a year - three times, the most. Yes, it’s sad. But this is how its always been. That letter is how I learned NEVER to write when you are angry. It was this and more importantly The Grace of God that kept me from responding to these texts I was receiving. I still don’t know when the day will be that I will be able to answer my phone. I do know how she is and that this is bothering her big time. I have no desire to talk to her at this time. Time heals all and I suppose that’s what I need. So until I know how to respond, I won’t. Thanks and God Bless You!

Time does not heal all wounds, but time spent in getting the bridle back on your own tongue and letting the soreness of your heart subside can be time well spent.

You might send a card to your sister that says something like this:

"Whatever comes between us or whatever we disagree about, I still love you. There is nothing I wish I could take back like the things I wrote in that angry letter I sent to you back when I got upset about _________. I never want to hurt you like that ever again, and I hope I haven’t done anything to hurt you now.

When you are ready to talk, I’d like to get together to really talk, but only when you’re ready. I put my foot into my mouth, sometimes, and I know it, but I hope you’ll look past that to how much I care about you, and how much a sister needs her sister in her life. No one can know how it feels to lose Jason like you can, so I hope it is not too long.

Love,
OpenMyEyes

 

[Allegra]

It sounds like she’s sort of a kook anyway and probably the stress of your brother’s passing pushed her over the edge and she’s taking it out on you. Obviously, this is not something you want to deal with right now, when you are in mourning, but if she’s been a nut all her life, why do you expect anything different now? I’ve got a lot of crazies in my family tree and my philosophy when they get like this is to walk past the way you would a worked up dog in the neighbors’ yard. They’re going to bark and howl and slobber and it has nothing to do with you.

 

[EasterJoy]

It sounds like she’s sort of a kook anyway and probably the stress of your brother’s passing pushed her over the edge and she’s taking it out on you. Obviously, this is not something you want to deal with right now, when you are in mourning, but if she’s been a nut all her life, why do you expect anything different now? I’ve got a lot of crazies in my family tree and my philosophy when they get like this is to walk past the way you would a worked up dog in the neighbors’ yard. They’re going to bark and howl and slobber and it has nothing to do with you.

Some people have relatives with legitimately serious mental health issues, but you would not believe the crazy stuff that otherwise sane people have going on with their relatives. Don’t assume that everyone who goes bananas with a sibling is automatically a person with an unrecognized mental health disorder. Maybe yes, but maybe not.

As the family therapists say, a dysfunctional family may be defined as “any family with more than one person in it.”

 

[Allegra]

As the family therapists say, a dysfunctional family may be defined as “any family with more than one person in it.”

Well, of course THEY say that! They’re trying to drum up business. What the OP is describing is not the action of a normal functioning mind. It may be that the sister is not a naturalized citizen of Crazyland, but merely goes there for occasional visits when her life gets particularly stressful. However, crazy is still crazy, even if it is temporary. The OP has three options. A.) Avoid the sister indefinately. B.) Avoid the sister until she meets the qualifications of civilized behavior. C) Join his sister in ranting and raving like a lunatic.
(Personally, I recommend “B”.)