Sister won't get married in a Church

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AnneM1991

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My sister has recently gotten engaged and is quickly planing her wedding. I always knew she didn’t want to get married in Church and I knew it would be a huge fight between her and my parents but I always thought she would do what made them happy.
Our whole lives shes been against our religion. Once she starts talking about it she gets so into it she almost brings my mother to tears. Bringing her to Church with us as she got older was like pulling teeth. We all go through phases when we didn’t want to go with our parents to Church, but I went because I knew it made my mother happy. Now, I enjoy going and I can see that it still makes my mother happy but my sister either can’t see that or doesn’t care.

Anyways, my mom is devastated and very upset. She’s tried talking to my sister about it, saying how much it means to her and that her and my dad would pay for the Church and everything that goes with it but my sister refuses. This is tearing my mother apart and we don’t know what else to do. We understand that it’s her wedding and her life and we’re not trying to take that away from her, but getting married in a Church means so much to my mom and I feel like my sister is doing this just to hurt her.

What should we do?
 
It is common for people to move away from the church. In her case, if she isn’t into the church thing right now, the worst thing you can do is force her. Think about it, if she was married inside a church, she would be making vows to God that she seems to not care for. If one intends to make vows in front of God, one should care about God.

Has anyone asked her what type of wedding she wants? Why she doesn’t want to attend church? By pressuring her, the family is creating a barrier and fiction between the two sides. If the family enters into dialogue and begin to listen to her, maybe she will feel listened and accepted. Sometimes the family has to drop the church issue for unity of the family. If one wants their family back in church, the worst thing they can do is to pressurize them.

There are plenty of ways of having a beautiful wedding that does not involve church. If the family supports her and let’s her have the wedding she wants, maybe down the road she will return. Weddings are times for families to grow closer. Who knows, once the pressure subsides and she is given the space she needs maybe she will decide to return and raise her children there. Once she returns, she could always have some type of church ceremony involving a vow renewal or something.

The possibilities are endless the most important thing the family can do: is back off, stop pressuring her, listen to her and pray that one day she will return back to church.
 
I can sympathize with you and your parents. Both of my daughters rebelled and were married outside the church. The oldest ran away and was married by a J.P. in a court house The second was married in an evangelical service. She was mad at me because I refused to walk her down the aisle. I told her “tough, you left the church, not me”.

After 15 years we still cannot talk about it without her getting emotional and angry at me.

No one ever said being Catholic was easy. Just pray for them, but speak the truth with love.
 
I’ve been in your sister’s shoes, my wife and I were married by a JP as well, in my rebellious years. I know it didn’t please my mother but she came to our wedding just the same, and so should you with your sister.

Presumably she’s an adult, and there’s no use fighting with her. Just pray that she be the prodigal daughter.

Much later my wife and I had our marriage convalidated after I returned to the Church. Pray this happens to your sister too, it was a very happy moment for us.

The only thing we can do to family members who stray is love them to pieces without nagging them. That more than anything will effect a return to the Church. It worked for my mother, once I made up my mind to stop going to church she never once nagged me about it. She had the pleasure of seeing me return to the Church before she died, I know it made her very happy.
 
OraLabora said:
I’ve been in your sister’s shoes, my wife and I were married by a JP as well, in my rebellious years. I know it didn’t please my mother but she came to our wedding just the same, and so should you with your sister.

Presumably she’s an adult, and there’s no use fighting with her. Just pray that she be the prodigal daughter.

Much later my wife and I had our marriage convalidated after I returned to the Church. Pray this happens to your sister too, it was a very happy moment for us.

The only thing we can do to family members who stray is love them to pieces without nagging them. That more than anything will effect a return to the Church. It worked for my mother, once I made up my mind to stop going to church she never once nagged me about it. She had the pleasure of seeing me return to the Church before she died, I know it made her very happy.
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Agree.
 
I will say that “it will make my parents happy” is not a sufficient reason to receive any of the Sacraments.
 
I wouldn’t attend the marriage, if she is rebelling against religion. Tell her this.
 
aemcpa said:
I will say that “it will make my parents happy” is not a sufficient reason to receive any of the Sacraments.
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Correct. It would be wrong to manipulate them to be married in the Church when they don’t want to be. Parents should NOT do that.

Keep praying for her.
 
I don’t know that it would do your sister much good to have a wedding in a Catholic Church if she has no belief in the Church’s teaching nor any intention to practice the faith after the wedding.
 
AnneM1991 said:
My sister has recently gotten engaged and is quickly planing her wedding. I always knew she didn’t want to get married in Church and I knew it would be a huge fight between her and my parents but I always thought she would do what made them happy.
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People are not called to do things simply to make others happy. Your parents’ happiness is not your sister’s responsibility.
Our whole lives shes been against our religion.
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So, she is not actually a practicing Catholic. Its okay that she doesn’t follow her family’s faith.
Once she starts talking about it she gets so into it she almost brings my mther to tears. Bringing her to Church with us as she got older was like pulling teeth. We all go through phases when we didn’t want to go with our parents to Church, but I went because I knew it made my mother happy. Now, I enjoy going and I can see that it still makes my mother happy but my sister either can’t see that or doesn’t care.
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No one should go to Church just to make others happy. God calls us to Him. We respond in our own way. When families force others to follow their faith - they are taking away the other person’s free will to accept God and His Church.

It is a blessing for you that you now enjoy Mass. However, your sister should not feel she must go to Mass to make your mother happy. Your mother should not make your sister feel she is responsible for your mother’s happiness.
Anyways, my mom is devastated and very upset. She’s tried talking to my sister about it, saying how much it means to her and that her and my dad would pay for the Church and everything that goes with it but my sister refuses. This is tearing my mother apart and we don’t know what else to do. We understand that it’s her wedding and her life and we’re not trying to take that away from her, but getting married in a Church means so much to my mom and I feel like my sister is doing this just to hurt her.
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What should we do?
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Your mom may be sad that her daughter has not followed the teachings of the Church, but she must accept that your sister can not be forced to follow the Church.

You know its your sisters wedding and her life… you also know that she is an adult who chooses her own faith and her own life plans.

Your parents can not “buy” your sister back into the Church by paying for her wedding. God does not “buy” us to come to Him. He calls us with love.

Your mom should place her sorrows at the Foot of the Cross. She should not try to force her faith on your sister.

Your mother does not have to pay for a wedding that she is not in agreement with, but she should respect that your sister is not a practicing Catholic.

Your mom should speak with her priest who can help her in the pains she feels with a child who has left the Faith.

St. Monica is a good patron saint for those praying for their loved ones to come back to the Church.

May your mother feel peace and love for her daughter as she prays for her return to the Church.

St. Monica ~ pray for Anne’s family.

St. Nicholas, Patron Saint of Brides ~ pray for Anne’s family.
 
As she doesn’t go to the Catholic Church, would a priest be willing to ‘Marry them’ anyway if they aren’t current members? At least she isn’t going along to the Church to get married for the photo’s or because it the done thing etc.

I cannot comment on whether you go to make your mom happy or that you go because you actually believe - that is upto you. But at least your sister is trying to follow through and if she has always hated your religion as you put it then marrying in a Catholic Church wouldn’t make her day would it and the Wedidng day is as much about the Bride as it is the Groom.

I cannot comment too either on how you mom will reconcile this but she could look at it from the point of view her daughter isn’t being a hypocrit and getting married in church to please everyone although she hates it. The one day in her life that it is supposed to be about the bride and groom and I hope as a family you can all reconcile to that she isn’t being a hypocrit and just going along with it to please you all.

If she don’t go and isn’t a member, how would a priest be able to do the service because what I have read on here one has to be a member of the Church and going otherwise he can say no and from what I read she would want him very much to say no.

Give your sister a break on this one as it her one day and if you are family then support her in her marriage and enjoy her day rather than spoil it.
 
In my perspective, you cant really do anything…

God never made any of us as puppets on HIs strings, so we shouldnt think that those we love are puppets on our strings…

He allows us to chose.

Your sister has made a choice…
 
You should all drop your complaints, go to the wedding and treat her and her spouse with love and respect. That way if the point comes she wants to come back to the church you can welcome her with open arms and y’all can have a great time when she gets married in the church.
 
estesbob said:
You should all drop your complaints, go to the wedding and treat her and her spouse with love and respect. That way if the point comes she wants to come back to the church you can welcome her with open arms and y’all can have a great time when she gets married in the church.
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👍
 
corsair said:
I can sympathize with you and your parents. Both of my daughters rebelled and were married outside the church. The oldest ran away and was married by a J.P. in a court house The second was married in an evangelical service. She was mad at me because I refused to walk her down the aisle. I told her “tough, you left the church, not me”.

After 15 years we still cannot talk about it without her getting emotional and angry at me.

No one ever said being Catholic was easy. Just pray for them, but speak the truth with love.
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That is sad to hear. So many families’ children grow up to leave the Church, but so often they come back.

I do not write this to be hurtful, but to express what I see in this short post. Maybe this can bring healing between a father and his dear daughter. Fifteen years is a long time for pain.

Your daughter needs to know you still love her even if she has left the Church. It must have hurt her that you chose to tell her “tough”. She still loves God, but decided to attend the evangelical church.

“Tough, you left the Church, not me” does not sound like speaking the truth with love.

People leave the Church for many reasons. Pray that she comes back.

In the mean time, think about how she must feel that her father says “tough, you left the church.” You already know how she feels… very hurt. When our loved ones hurt us, its worse than other hurts. The hurt becomes anger.

Sometimes the anger is to allow us to feel in control of our emotions about the event that caused us to feel so much pain. Feeling the pain - can make us feel a victim of what the other person did to us. So, we turn it to anger at the person who hurt us. Instead of feeling “my daddy hurt me, I am in pain”, she can say “I am angry at my father for hurting me.”

God loves your daughter as He loves all of us. He welcomes people of all faiths into Heaven. Keep praying. Maybe your daughter will come back to the Church and the Sacraments.

May God heal your heart from the pain of your daughter leaving the Church and may God heal her heart from the pain of a father who says “Tough” for not walking her down the aisle at her wedding in another church.
 
AnneM1991 said:
I hope this post is in the right place, this website is very difficult to use if you’re new!

My sister has recently gotten engaged and is quickly planing her wedding. I always knew she didn’t want to get married in Church and I knew it would be a huge fight between her and my parents but I always thought she would do what made them happy.
Our whole lives shes been against our religion. Once she starts talking about it she gets so into it she almost brings my mother to tears. Bringing her to Church with us as she got older was like pulling teeth. We all go through phases when we didn’t want to go with our parents to Church, but I went because I knew it made my mother happy. Now, I enjoy going and I can see that it still makes my mother happy but my sister either can’t see that or doesn’t care.

Anyways, my mom is devastated and very upset. She’s tried talking to my sister about it, saying how much it means to her and that her and my dad would pay for the Church and everything that goes with it but my sister refuses. This is tearing my mother apart and we don’t know what else to do. We understand that it’s her wedding and her life and we’re not trying to take that away from her, but getting married in a Church means so much to my mom and I feel like my sister is doing this just to hurt her.

What should we do?
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I realize that the situation is hurtful for the Mom, but that cannot be the focus of confrontation. It will only make the daughter more steadfast. Besides, the Mom got married already. So, it really isn’t about her…

So get off the hurt, angry, disappointed and move the conversation to what is best for the daughter. Here’s how it might go…

Mom: You know, honey, your Dad and I love you very much. We may not always agree with everything you do, but we love you unconditionally. One day you’ll understand when you are a mother. Anyway, this is your day and you are free to spend it as you wish.

I just want you to know that when it was my day to get married, the most important and wonderful thing I could do for your Dad and me was to say my vows as part of a Mass. You see, honey, I am positive that God exists and that Jesus suffered and died for us.

Daughter: Really Mom, how can you be so sure?

Mom: Because I’ve experienced him many times. I remember the day you were born. I knew that you were special and that our family was touched by a miracle. Again, one day you will see for yourself. Maybe that is why I want you to know and experience God for yourself. Because he is real!

But, if for some reason you can’t, just know that I will never stop praying for you…

Somehow, I think this is the wrong time to drive a wedge.
 
cargau said:
So get off the hurt, angry, disappointed and move the conversation to what is best for the daughter. Here’s how it might go…
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This isnt about the mother or her hopes and dreams…

This up coming marriage is about the daughter and her soon-to-be husband…

The mother is not a puppet master or the daughter a puppet.

God freely gives us the ability to chose. No parent has the right to take that a way. No parent.
 
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