T
TheFixer
Guest
I am an adult younger sister to an older sister. We had a fight months ago and things haven’t been the same. I have stopped calling her, which I used to do 3-5 times a week. She almost never called me but for birthdays or to return my call. So she surely notices, but does not pick up the phone herself. Her emails are distant and of few words. She is deeply hurt because of the fight - it embarrassed her because others knew about it. I am deeply hurt because of the things that led to the fight, which were not fully acknowledged by my sister. My feelings and thoughts were received with a cold stare and a cold shoulder, unfeeling, defensiveness, and only a small bit of acknowledgment. Mostly a stated “I’m not there yet” in feeling/understanding. I believe it’s because I hit too close to home on the flaws about herself she does not want to own up to. It is important to her that she be perfect and that others perceive her as not only perfect but better than me.
When we talked in the past, she made it clear she had her stuff together. The closest I ever felt to her was one of the rare times she needed MY advice, and disclosed something of an emotional nature.
We have the typical big/little sister history. Great childhood, really! However, between us, she was the boss and when someone else was around (cousin or friend) I was dropped, mocked and ignored, but when no one was around, I was her best friend. I was really a convenient friend, taken for granted for our whole lives. I forgave and permitted all hurt that came my way all through our adult life because my nature is peacemaker and my desire is for her acceptance. I may be a bit of a martyr, though that is in silence not for anyone else’s pity/awareness. I have felt the sting of her jealousy, though I (typical little sister) don’t understand it - it is I who admired her all my life, but did not compete with her. Just supported her. Jealousy is her own issue.
As young adults we became close but I continued to hear of her envy over the relationship I have with our parents. She has a great one, too, but seems to think they love me more. She began to keep tabs of how much time I spent with our parents versus how much time she spent with them. Never occurred to me that that is a way to measure love or operate within family. Did I mention we’re grown adults? She has a wonderful life, as do I.
Fast forward to the fight when I finally told her to stop trying to control me (a grown woman), she couldn’t accept anything I said, showed no emotion, and then belittled me for the emotions I had. (I yelled.) I’m sure it was a shock to her, as I’d just absorbed my hurt feelings all those years and not stood up to her, for fear of being rejected by her (like when kids when she would decide she didn’t want to be nice to me because there was a better choice.) So, trying to be amenable at all times was just exhausting. I tip-toed around her. Ironically, she said she tip-toes around me. During the fight, I poured my heart out to her, and told her how much I loved her but that I need her to accept me/treat me as an equal and not as a “little” sister. While I’m opening up in a way that I barely had control over the size of my thoughts and feelings, she was stoic and unfeeling. It was creepy, like I didn’t even recognize who she was, because I could not identify an ounce of love or compassion from her. She was creeped out by my over-emotionality. Ironic again.
So I’d love to hear from other big sisters or other little sisters who deeply care about their sibling, and want an equitable relationship with them. I would love us to be close again but I think I’m trying to manipulate her into accepting my truth, or get her to realize what she’s missing, by choosing not to call her. I think to be more equitable, she should begin to make an effort, but I am sure she is still too stunned and hurt and angry at me. So, it seems like if I don’t make all the overtures, we’ll take years to heal and that isn’t cool with me. Life is too short to be so stubborn.
What I’d love to hear is a Catholic and scripture-based opinion on how to handle my emotions, find a path to a new relationship, and be the kind of sister to her that shows grace and mercy, compassion and love, while maintaining my new boundaries. Basically, WWJD!? It feels like I’m in the stages of grief. Oh, and we don’t live near one another so we cannot get together. This is too tiring. Thanks for any spiritual guidance on this!
When we talked in the past, she made it clear she had her stuff together. The closest I ever felt to her was one of the rare times she needed MY advice, and disclosed something of an emotional nature.
We have the typical big/little sister history. Great childhood, really! However, between us, she was the boss and when someone else was around (cousin or friend) I was dropped, mocked and ignored, but when no one was around, I was her best friend. I was really a convenient friend, taken for granted for our whole lives. I forgave and permitted all hurt that came my way all through our adult life because my nature is peacemaker and my desire is for her acceptance. I may be a bit of a martyr, though that is in silence not for anyone else’s pity/awareness. I have felt the sting of her jealousy, though I (typical little sister) don’t understand it - it is I who admired her all my life, but did not compete with her. Just supported her. Jealousy is her own issue.
As young adults we became close but I continued to hear of her envy over the relationship I have with our parents. She has a great one, too, but seems to think they love me more. She began to keep tabs of how much time I spent with our parents versus how much time she spent with them. Never occurred to me that that is a way to measure love or operate within family. Did I mention we’re grown adults? She has a wonderful life, as do I.
Fast forward to the fight when I finally told her to stop trying to control me (a grown woman), she couldn’t accept anything I said, showed no emotion, and then belittled me for the emotions I had. (I yelled.) I’m sure it was a shock to her, as I’d just absorbed my hurt feelings all those years and not stood up to her, for fear of being rejected by her (like when kids when she would decide she didn’t want to be nice to me because there was a better choice.) So, trying to be amenable at all times was just exhausting. I tip-toed around her. Ironically, she said she tip-toes around me. During the fight, I poured my heart out to her, and told her how much I loved her but that I need her to accept me/treat me as an equal and not as a “little” sister. While I’m opening up in a way that I barely had control over the size of my thoughts and feelings, she was stoic and unfeeling. It was creepy, like I didn’t even recognize who she was, because I could not identify an ounce of love or compassion from her. She was creeped out by my over-emotionality. Ironic again.
So I’d love to hear from other big sisters or other little sisters who deeply care about their sibling, and want an equitable relationship with them. I would love us to be close again but I think I’m trying to manipulate her into accepting my truth, or get her to realize what she’s missing, by choosing not to call her. I think to be more equitable, she should begin to make an effort, but I am sure she is still too stunned and hurt and angry at me. So, it seems like if I don’t make all the overtures, we’ll take years to heal and that isn’t cool with me. Life is too short to be so stubborn.
What I’d love to hear is a Catholic and scripture-based opinion on how to handle my emotions, find a path to a new relationship, and be the kind of sister to her that shows grace and mercy, compassion and love, while maintaining my new boundaries. Basically, WWJD!? It feels like I’m in the stages of grief. Oh, and we don’t live near one another so we cannot get together. This is too tiring. Thanks for any spiritual guidance on this!