Sister's problem? I can't understand why?

[anon98328916]

Please pray for my two sister’s. My two sisters are both married with kids I have always been there and would do anything for my nieces and nephews. The problem is and always has been with my sisters is they really make alot of their husband’s families. For example if we have a family occasion first Holy communion or a Confirmation or birthday they both basically ignore or barely speak to myself and my other siblings and our parents, but speak and make very welcome their husbands families! I feel so hurt and annoyed by this…I feel like saying to them blood is thinker than water! Myself or our family can’t say how we feel or let them know how they treat us because it would start terrible arguments and it’s just not worth it. My eldest sister is 12 years older than me and she treats her husbands sister (who is only a year or two older than me) more like a sister than she would myself. An example of this is a few years ago my nephew was baptised and afterwards my sister, my sisters husband sister and myself went for a meal and drinks and throughout the evening my sister sat talking to her sister in-law all evening and barely acknowledged I was even their!! I can remember going to the toilets to cry, she has done similar things since. I feel the older I get the less I can put up with it all…I feel so upset at the moment so much so I’ve taken a headache! Anyone else have sisters who are like this? I really don’t understand why? Please help

 

[Della]

As upsetting as this behavior is for you, it’s not something you can fix, I’m afraid. We can only modify our own behavior but not that of others. I had a similar situation going in my family a few years ago when my sister was divorced. One of our sister-in-laws almost literally took my sister over. She saw her all the time, doing all sorts of things with her, being with her practically 24/7. But, in time, my sister met another guy and then dropped the sister-in-law as her best buddy. Through all this I said nothing and let them be who they are.

My sister and I have a funny relationship–when we’re alone together we have a great time, but if we’re with others she all but ignores me. I’ve just learned to live with it and let it go. I’ve got my life to live, as well. If my sister wants me in her life all she has to do is call, but she doesn’t call very often. She’s got a far more hectic life than mine. I’m simply her top priority. Siblings often grow apart when they have their own families to think about, and what not. And they will gravitate towards others who share their same kind of life with kids and husbands, etc. It’s to be expected. All I can say is forgive your sisters and go on with your life. There’s really nothing more you can do.

 

[Irishmom2]

It is possible that your sisters are so comfortable with your own family that they do not feel they have to try as hard to be inclusive or welcoming toward your family. Maybe they are doing their best to get close to their in laws. You have no way of really knowing how their relationships are with them.

Do the rest of your siblings and your parents feel the same way, or is it just you that feels this way? If you all feel this way. I cannot understand why no one has calmly told them the way that you feel.

 

[PhiloMed]

It is possible that your sisters are so comfortable with your own family that they do not feel they have to try as hard to be inclusive or welcoming toward your family. Maybe they are doing their best to get close to their in laws. You have no way of really knowing how their relationships are with them.

Do the rest of your siblings and your parents feel the same way, or is it just you that feels this way? If you all feel this way. I cannot understand why no one has calmly told them the way that you feel.

Right. Does your sister see you and your family more often or separately from her in-laws.

I basically do the same thing when I have a bigger event and my in-laws are over. I mostly socialize with my in-laws because I see them less often. My family is mostly there for the food!

 

[EasterJoy]

Actually, I’d say your sister was treating you the way sisters often treat each other in the presence of those whose attentions they want but can’t afford to take for granted.

Your sister’s in-laws may have gone out of their way to cultivate a relationship with her, since they could not depend on “blood is thicker than water” to do it for them. With your in-laws, you learn to bite your tongue, be polite, and earn your social welcome. With your blood relatives, we often presume that we can get away with saying and doing things that we’d never allow ourselves with anyone else.

In my experience, we often carry the disrespect bred from familiarity from childhood into adulthood. If you want an adult relationship with your siblings, if you want to see that they are more than the persons you imagined them to be in childhood, you have to take time to build an adult relationship.

I’m not saying this is all on you. Your sister may take you for granted and while she feels that she has to earn a place in her husband’s family. It is impossible to say from here, and it really wouldn’t matter.

As a strategy, I’d suggest cultivating a relationship both with your sister and with her female in-laws. Arrange social contact with your sister just as sisters, but also ask her if she’d like to invite some of her female in-laws along, too. You do not want to be in a competition with them! You are just trying to enlarge the circle to include you as an adult who pulls her own weight socially rather than as a “kid sister”–that is, as a female friend who does the work to arrange things in a thoughtful way that considers the wants and needs of her intended guests, issues invitations, and so on. Once you have done that, the chances are good that your sister’s in-laws will politely make an effort to include you, since you have so obviously made an effort to include them.

By the way, there isn’t any reason you can’t arrange some social outing, ask your sister, and then if she can’t go ask how to contact the in-law who is close to you in age. Why not? You may like each other a lot!

 

[PennyinCanada]

Please pray for my two sister’s. My two sisters are both married with kids I have always been there and would do anything for my nieces and nephews. The problem is and always has been with my sisters is they really make alot of their husband’s families. For example if we have a family occasion first Holy communion or a Confirmation or birthday they both basically ignore or barely speak to myself and my other siblings and our parents, but speak and make very welcome their husbands families! I feel so hurt and annoyed by this…I feel like saying to them blood is thinker than water! Myself or our family can’t say how we feel or let them know how they treat us because it would start terrible arguments and it’s just not worth it. My eldest sister is 12 years older than me and she treats her husbands sister (who is only a year or two older than me) more like a sister than she would myself. An example of this is a few years ago my nephew was baptised and afterwards my sister, my sisters husband sister and myself went for a meal and drinks and throughout the evening my sister sat talking to her sister in-law all evening and barely acknowledged I was even their!! I can remember going to the toilets to cry, she has done similar things since. I feel the older I get the less I can put up with it all…I feel so upset at the moment so much so I’ve taken a headache! Anyone else have sisters who are like this? I really don’t understand why? Please help

You are expecting something from your sister, you get disappointed, and then you’re upset. You will have to make the decision to let go of this pattern. It’s hurting you and not at all helpful in this relationship. You feel entitled to some kind of close relationship because she’s your sister. As adults we get to pick who our friends are and being in a friendship with her is what you really want.

If I was at a family gathering and one person was always uptight and upset, I would find that very tiresome. That kind of spirit can affect the whole room.

Ask yourself what you can do to bless her. Be cheerful, light hearted. Compliment her each time your together. A sincere compliment. Smile lots. Be helpful. Being so upset that you get a headache or want to go to the bathroom to cry is the opposite of what a gathering is about. Smile lots, listen well. Be a loving guest.

Before a family gathering, be sure to pray. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you be delightful and charming. Don’t we all need that when dealing with family?
God bless and strengthen you today.

 

[anon98328916]

It is possible that your sisters are so comfortable with your own family that they do not feel they have to try as hard to be inclusive or welcoming toward your family. Maybe they are doing their best to get close to their in laws. You have no way of really knowing how their relationships are with them.

Do the rest of your siblings and your parents feel the same way, or is it just you that feels this way? If you all feel this way. I cannot understand why no one has calmly told them the way that you feel.

Yes, Another thing I can’t get my head around at family events and my nieces/nephews first Communion or confirmation in the past my sisters would take pics after of the kids and the in-laws and their husbands brothers and sisters and not bother wanting a picture of us! There own family! There own family with the kids? I don’t understand that. My parents and other sibling feels the same but they say nothing for a quiet life. If anyone said anything my sister would go mad and it would cause arguments my parents don’t need. I just wish my sisters would realise blood is thinker than water before it is to late.

 

[Irishmom2]

Yes, Another thing I can’t get my head around at family events and my nieces/nephews first Communion or confirmation in the past my sisters would take pics after of the kids and the in-laws and their husbands brothers and sisters and not bother wanting a picture of us! There own family! There own family with the kids? I don’t understand that. My parents and other sibling feels the same but they say nothing for a quiet life. If anyone said anything my sister would go mad and it would cause arguments my parents don’t need. I just wish my sisters would realise blood is thinker than water before it is to late.

You know, there is nothing wrong with “your” family suggesting you all get a photo together. Instead, “your” family sits around getting mad at your sister who might think you are all happy because everyone in “your” never speaks up about anything. You do not need to confront her in an accusatory way. “Hey sis, let’s get a pic of nephew with mom and dad. Come on, brother, let’s all get in.”

Why is it your sisters job to make you happy? Do something for yourself instead of running off to the bathroom to pout.

If your parents have always been this passive, perhaps your sisters have learned from their husbands to go after what they want socially. But because your immediate family was so passive in the past, your sisters just let them be. And since no one has spoken to them about it… they assume you are okay with the status quo.

 

[Lou2U]

You know, there is nothing wrong with “your” family suggesting you all get a photo together. Instead, “your” family sits around getting mad at your sister who might think you are all happy because everyone in “your” never speaks up about anything. You do not need to confront her in an accusatory way. “Hey sis, let’s get a pic of nephew with mom and dad. Come on, brother, let’s all get in.”

Why is it your sisters job to make you happy? Do something for yourself instead of running off to the bathroom to pout.

If your parents have always been this passive, perhaps your sisters have learned from their husbands to go after what they want socially. But because your immediate family was so passive in the past, your sisters just let them be. And since no one has spoken to them about it… they assume you are okay with the status quo.

I agree with this. I would add that to your sisters, their husband’s family is also their family and to them it isn’t a case of “you vs them”. Maybe it’s as EasterJoy said, and they feel as though they have to work harder with their in laws than you. It certainly wouldn’t hurt you to be a little more proactive towards your sisters. Put something in and you’ll get something back.

Lou

 

[Della]

You know, there is nothing wrong with “your” family suggesting you all get a photo together. Instead, “your” family sits around getting mad at your sister who might think you are all happy because everyone in “your” never speaks up about anything. You do not need to confront her in an accusatory way. “Hey sis, let’s get a pic of nephew with mom and dad. Come on, brother, let’s all get in.”

Why is it your sisters job to make you happy? Do something for yourself instead of running off to the bathroom to pout.

If your parents have always been this passive, perhaps your sisters have learned from their husbands to go after what they want socially. But because your immediate family was so passive in the past, your sisters just let them be. And since no one has spoken to them about it… they assume you are okay with the status quo.

It’s not all one-sided here, either. Her sisters ought to make some effort to include their own families in such events. I have a sister-in-law that is a real hassle to deal with because everything has to be her way or she makes life hard for everyone. Sometimes it’s better to just let things go to get along–IOW, Therese needs to ask herself: “Is this hill worth dying on?”

The only thing I think Therese needs to change is expecting her sisters to change. If talking has done no good, and she says it hasn’t, then there’s nothing more to be done except to accept the situation and let it be. The sisters are only hurting themselves by shunning their own families. I’d suggest that the rest of the family have gatherings of their own and not invite the sisters. Don’t announce it or talk about, just go on with their lives as if the others don’t exist. If that doesn’t wake them up, then at least the family won’t have the pain of being excluded at their own daughters’/sisters gatherings. Live your own life and let them live theirs, that’s my advice.

 

[Irishmom2]

Della, it doesn’t sound like the OP has actually talked to her sisters about the problem, only to us.

I also think that leaving the sisters out of family events is just spiteful and plain not nice, so I would disagree with that tactic. It is pointless to do that to bring about change when no one seems to have spoken to the sisters. The OP said no one has because the sisters will get mad, but his would they know that if they haven’t even tried?

 

[Della]

Della, it doesn’t sound like the OP has actually talked to her sisters about the problem, only to us.

She wrote that if anyone tries to say anything to her sister she gets mad. Sounds like attempts have been made. Why they didn’t work is something we can only guess at. We don’t know the temperaments, the dispositions, the dynamics at work among these people. Some people will not hear anything negative no matter how nicely it is said or how they are approached. If that’s the case here, what else can Therese do about it?

I also think that leaving the sisters out of family events is just spiteful and plain not nice, so I would disagree with that tactic. It is pointless to do that to bring about change when no one seems to have spoken to the sisters. The OP said no one has because the sisters will get mad, but his would they know that if they haven’t even tried?

Not leave them out in that sense, but merely get together on their own, for no special reason, if they want to see each other. Special events seem to be the big sticking point here, if I’m reading things right. In any case, I think the family has coddled them too long and let them go on acting like the only people who matter are their in-laws families. It’s a complex situation. I think the whole family should see a good counselor, but again, they have to be willing to admit there’s a problem and be disposed to do something about it before it can be resolved. If they won’t do that, then each side will have to live their own lives, apart from special occasions, suck it up if things don’t go as they’d like, and leave things at that.

 

[anon98328916]

I agree with this. I would add that to your sisters, their husband’s family is also their family and to them it isn’t a case of “you vs them”. Maybe it’s as EasterJoy said, and they feel as though they have to work harder with their in laws than you. It certainly wouldn’t hurt you to be a little more proactive towards your sisters. Put something in and you’ll get something back.

Lou

We have always been there for them and it’s always a case of take take take at times and I’m no doormat! I have tried so hard with them but I have got tired of it after trying for a number of years. Things won’t change.

 

[EasterJoy]

I agree with this. I would add that to your sisters, their husband’s family is also their family and to them it isn’t a case of “you vs them”. Maybe it’s as EasterJoy said, and they feel as though they have to work harder with their in laws than you. It certainly wouldn’t hurt you to be a little more proactive towards your sisters. Put something in and you’ll get something back.

Lou

Exactly. The OP cannot know that someone among the in-laws was not the one to ask for the picture. Your sister may not care on her own behalf, one way or another. If she does, oh well! I tell you: if you take offense at being left out, you’re not going to go up in her estimation.

If a situation bothers you, don’t tell your sister how hurt you are that it isn’t different. Just ask if she’d mind making it more to your liking, assuming that she had no intention to hurt you.

If you want a picture, ask for a picture. By that I mean: Bring a camera (or your phone, if that’s what you use), ask for everyone to gather around, and TAKE THE PICTURE YOU WANT! Then send a copy to your sister and her husband.

You are a grown-up, it is not your sister’s job to do this. We younger ones sometimes get used to the idea that the oldest ones always take care of these things, but sometimes they get tired of being taken for granted. They quit doing all the work and decide if someone wants to get it done, they’ll pick up the slack and take their turn doing it. That is only fair.

 

[EasterJoy]

We have always been there for them and it’s always a case of take take take at times and I’m no doormat! I have tried so hard with them but I have got tired of it after trying for a number of years. Things won’t change.

That is a self-fulfilling prophesy, but if you don’t think your efforts with your sister are worth it, that is your prerogative. I think you’d be better off talking to someone who can hear your whole side of the story who can suggest communication strategies you can try before you write her off. I don’t think writing her off is what you want to do, but your choice is to either learn to communicate and to be proactive when a situation isn’t unfolding as you think it ought to or else expect the same thing in the future that you’ve had in the past. Your choice, though.

 

[PennyinCanada]

There was a speaker at a Catholic Conference who gave the following spiritual direction, one which both my husband and I took to heart and try to apply to daily living.
When experiencing a cross, pray this way…

I love you Jesus.
I thank you for this cross.
I accept this cross for love of you.
In union with your cross, I wish to apply the merits for the conversion of sinners and peace in this world as our Blessed Mother has asked us to do at Fatima.
Have mercy on me a sinner!

This is an excellent spiritual discipline that will gain much merit for yourself and the world, one which will serve you well your whole life.

I would like to also suggest doing some spiritual reading. The Little Flowers of St Francis is delightful and very beneficial in training our thoughts to be more in line with how God wants us to think and act. Just so you know, I typed all this out and the computer bleeped and erased every word I wrote. There is indeed a battle going on. Do you want to be a soldier for Christ? We need you in the battle.

Little Flowers of St Francis…
ewtn.com/library/MARY/FLOWERS.HTM

 

[Irishmom2]

I love you Jesus.
I thank you for this cross.
I accept this cross for love of you.
In union with your cross, I wish to apply the merits for the conversion of sinners and peace in this world as our Blessed Mother has asked us to do at Fatima.
Have mercy on me a sinner!

Beautiful!

 

[anon98328916]

There was a speaker at a Catholic Conference who gave the following spiritual direction, one which both my husband and I took to heart and try to apply to daily living.
When experiencing a cross, pray this way…

I love you Jesus.
I thank you for this cross.
I accept this cross for love of you.
In union with your cross, I wish to apply the merits for the conversion of sinners and peace in this world as our Blessed Mother has asked us to do at Fatima.
Have mercy on me a sinner!

This is an excellent spiritual discipline that will gain much merit for yourself and the world, one which will serve you well your whole life.

I would like to also suggest doing some spiritual reading. The Little Flowers of St Francis is delightful and very beneficial in training our thoughts to be more in line with how God wants us to think and act. Just so you know, I typed all this out and the computer bleeped and erased every word I wrote. There is indeed a battle going on. Do you want to be a soldier for Christ? We need you in the battle.

Little Flowers of St Francis…
ewtn.com/library/MARY/FLOWERS.HTM

Thank you this is helpful and beautiful. I have to except things the way they are and learn to live with it for my own santity if anything and live my life the way Jesus wants me to.