Situation with my father

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mandajane

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I don’t know how to handle this, and I’m looking for advice.

My father left us when I was very young, leaving my mother to care for two toddlers on her own, because he wanted to run off with my babysitter.

Anyway, after they got married, she told him she didn’t want stepchildren, and he stopped contacting me, or seeing me.

It has really messed with me, growing up without a supportive father figure, but I think I managed better than I could have.

Here’s my problem. I found out last night that my father has been in contact with my younger brother, because he and his wife never had a boy, and my brother is his only son. My brother has tried to get him to call me, but my father apparently told him he “Doesn’t need a daughter,” and his “life would have been better if she hadn’t been born.”

I don’t know what to do or how to feel about this. I spent years desperate for approval from men, hiding my face at parents’ day, avoiding father-daughter dances, and crying myself to sleep in self pity. I eventually got mostly past it, though recently those feelings became dredged up, as I’m planning my own wedding, and need to find someone to walk me down the aisle, or walk it alone (i am considering asking my brother). And now this?

I am really lost and confused right now. I don’t know how to react, because my first instinct is to harden myself up and just say “He doesn’t want me around? Well **** him!” I know that’s not a christian attitude, though.

Any advice?
 
It’s a tough situation that I think takes a tough response. Love your brother, but steer clear of your father until he initiates the contact.

Just don’t expect much. There’s no reason to, nor does his past behavior merit any real effort on your part. I’d say the whole matter is better left to him to determine.
 
I don’t have advice. I grew up without my dad and then he signed us over to our stepdad (who later dropped out of the picture). I can imagine how you’re hurting.

I wish I had something to say. Just know you’re not alone and I will remember you in rosary.

Take care, sister. :hug1:

SM
 
mandajane said:
I don’t know how to handle this, and I’m looking for advice.

My father left us when I was very young, leaving my mother to care for two toddlers on her own, because he wanted to run off with my babysitter.

Anyway, after they got married, she told him she didn’t want stepchildren, and he stopped contacting me, or seeing me.

It has really messed with me, growing up without a supportive father figure, but I think I managed better than I could have.

Here’s my problem. I found out last night that my father has been in contact with my younger brother, because he and his wife never had a boy, and my brother is his only son. My brother has tried to get him to call me, but my father apparently told him he “Doesn’t need a daughter,” and his “life would have been better if she hadn’t been born.”

I don’t know what to do or how to feel about this. I spent years desperate for approval from men, hiding my face at parents’ day, avoiding father-daughter dances, and crying myself to sleep in self pity. I eventually got mostly past it, though recently those feelings became dredged up, as I’m planning my own wedding, and need to find someone to walk me down the aisle, or walk it alone (i am considering asking my brother). And now this?

I am really lost and confused right now. I don’t know how to react, because my first instinct is to harden myself up and just say “He doesn’t want me around? Well **** him!” I know that’s not a christian attitude, though.

Any advice?
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I just wanted to remind you that God created you and He wants you.

Go hug your mom, she was pretty amazing to raise you and your brother, and you are beautifully and wonderfully made. Maybe your mom should give you away, since she was both father and mother.
 
I am so sorry you are going through this. I don’t have contact with my birth father, and though I don’t want contact because he is so poisonous, the rejection from him still hurts.

When I get upset, I try to remember that my real dad is the king of the universe. And my real mom is queen. Not too shabby!

But having a parent reject you is so painful. I think part is that it’s this biological imperative for parents to care for their kids, and when they don’t we can’t make sense of it. We blame ourselves for not being good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, as if we should have to earn their love. But no loving parent ever loved their kid because they were smart, pretty, etc.

Life events like weddings and babies often bring those old feelings to the foreground. It’s almost like we have to re-process them at different stages to make sense again and get to a new state of equilibrium. So it’s not surprising that your wedding is bringing these feelings up, especially if your father was contacting your brother.

Feeling anger, like the “*** you” feeling, isn’t inappropriate sometimes. It’s natural to feel angry when you have been wronged. It’s natural to want to reject the person who has so cruelly rejected you. If you felt nothing, then that would be the truly scary thing.

Hugs and best wishes for your wedding!
 
mandajane said:
I don’t know how to handle this, and I’m looking for advice.

My father left us when I was very young, leaving my mother to care for two toddlers on her own, because he wanted to run off with my babysitter.

Anyway, after they got married, she told him she didn’t want stepchildren, and he stopped contacting me, or seeing me.

It has really messed with me, growing up without a supportive father figure, but I think I managed better than I could have.

Here’s my problem. I found out last night that my father has been in contact with my younger brother, because he and his wife never had a boy, and my brother is his only son. My brother has tried to get him to call me, but my father apparently told him he “Doesn’t need a daughter,” and his “life would have been better if she hadn’t been born.”

I don’t know what to do or how to feel about this. I spent years desperate for approval from men, hiding my face at parents’ day, avoiding father-daughter dances, and crying myself to sleep in self pity. I eventually got mostly past it, though recently those feelings became dredged up, as I’m planning my own wedding, and need to find someone to walk me down the aisle, or walk it alone (i am considering asking my brother). And now this?

I am really lost and confused right now. I don’t know how to react, because my first instinct is to harden myself up and just say “He doesn’t want me around? Well **** him!” I know that’s not a christian attitude, though.

Any advice?
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I understand your brother may be longing for that father he never had, but he’s not going to get that father from his “sperm donor” dad. Thus, the only correct response would be, “Well, X, if you are not interested in talking to my sister at the same time, then I am not interested in talking to you.” [click] If your brother did not intend to respond that way, then he could have kept the contact to himself. In the interest of disclosure? Honesty? Sibling rivalry? HE has caused you this pain. Your brother, I mean. Why in the world would he tell you that your bio-dad said these things about you?

But…Does any of this surprise you? You know who your dad is. Did you expect him to have a sudden change of heart? Unlikely. Maybe there is still a part of you that expects something from him, no matter how many times you tell yourself that you don’t need him.

Take this to Jesus in Adoration. He who will NEVER reject you and always waits for you. He’s always been there, has never left your side. Cry if you have to, punch a pillow if you need to, and then move on. Waste of your time and energy to even think about this pathetic excuse for a man. And tell your brother not to discuss him with you again.

Walk down the aisle by yourself, toward your new life. Catholics don’t do the whole “who gives this woman away” thing anyway. It’s your future and they are your vows.
 
Mandajane,

First off, congratulation on your pending wedding, and it would be a good idea to have your brother give you away. You have a man that loves you, look to him for support not some guy that cannot even act as a man when it was required of him.

As was once said, you can choose you friends and spouse but you cannot choose you parents or parent in this case. His irresponsibility and selfishness is not a reflection of you, he wants to keep in contact with your brother only for his own ego. So my opinion is drop him like a bag of dirt, just brush him off of your shoes like he was dirt.

Also I really like TheRealJuliane response, that your brother should tell him that if he does not want anything to do with you; he does not want anything to do with him!

Look to your new husband and God for happiness, not some selfish guy, I would not even refer to him as a man.

God Bless you keep you and your new Husband.

Winter
 
mandajane said:
I don’t know how to handle this, and I’m looking for advice.

My father left us when I was very young, leaving my mother to care for two toddlers on her own, because he wanted to run off with my babysitter.

Anyway, after they got married, she told him she didn’t want stepchildren, and he stopped contacting me, or seeing me.

It has really messed with me, growing up without a supportive father figure, but I think I managed better than I could have.

Here’s my problem. I found out last night that my father has been in contact with my younger brother, because he and his wife never had a boy, and my brother is his only son. My brother has tried to get him to call me, but my father apparently told him he “Doesn’t need a daughter,” and his "life would have been better if she hadn’t been born."

I don’t know what to do or how to feel about this. I spent years desperate for approval from men, hiding my face at parents’ day, avoiding father-daughter dances, and crying myself to sleep in self pity. I eventually got mostly past it, though recently those feelings became dredged up, as I’m planning my own wedding, and need to find someone to walk me down the aisle, or walk it alone (i am considering asking my brother). And now this?

I am really lost and confused right now. I don’t know how to react, because my first instinct is to harden myself up and just say “He doesn’t want me around? Well **** him!” I know that’s not a christian attitude, though.

Any advice?
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It is pretty obvious from this that your father is a man with severe emotional issues. Parents don’t just give up on their children like this without something else going on in the background.

My parents divorced when I was ten, and my dad left. We did the “every other holiday” bit, but even so, I didn’t really have a full-time male role model. I used to be really bitter about this, blaming my dad for not giving me a good role model for being a father and a husband…until my therapist quite rightly pointed out that because he wound up leaving, he likely would not have given me a good role model anyways, and that I was free to become a father and a husband in my own way instead of trying to live up to his image. I have since discovered that he has some pretty severe psychological issues, which while they do not excuse his actions, they definitely help explain them.

I know this doesn’t make anything easier for you, but I hope that you recognize that his leaving you really had nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. He ran away from his emotional problems, giving no consideration to the devastating impact of his weakness. He is likely running still.

None one who has suffered one or both parents leaving is ever truly emotionally unscathed or unscarred, but it sounds as though you’ve grown into a strong and stable person, all things considered. Have your brother walk you down the aisle, or, as others here have suggested, walk by yourself. There’s no shame in it at all, and it will give your husband-to-be just one thing to focus on…you.

Congratulations on the wedding, good luck and God bless!
 
Yes, I forgot to tell you congratulations!

:harp::flowers:
 
My dad left my mother and the four of us children (ages 15 to 4) to be with another woman.
He divorced my mother and married the woman. I am always surprised to see how much control this woman has over my father. This might be the case for you as well if your father is still with this with woman.

How are these cruel remarks getting back to you if you have no contact with your father?
If your brother is telling you these things he needs to be told that this is not helping you. Please ask him to not share information about your father or comments your father has made about you. There is something very evil about all this (I am not accusing your brother). You have been hurt enough. Stay away from this drama.
 
mamaslo said:
I just wanted to remind you that God created you and He wants you.

Go hug your mom, she was pretty amazing to raise you and your brother, and you are beautifully and wonderfully made. Maybe your mom should give you away, since she was both father and mother.
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GREAT IDEA! I have a friend who did this and it was very beautiful. Have your mom walk you down the aisle. My father sexually assaulted me and abused me, beat me, and my mother looked the other way. They were both into the occult. My life has been devastated because of it. I can feel your pain, it’s horrible when we are young because we blame ourselves, but he’s one messed up individual. You owe him nothing and let it go. He may have been your biological father but he was never your dad. I have not had contact with my parents since 1996 and I don’t miss it. I find older, loving “surrogate” parents at my parish and they more than fill the gap. I’m not saying it’s not hard, but God’s grace is good and I have my rough times but I have a God who really loves me.

Hugs–I’ll pray for you,

Lorrie
 
Thanks. I told my brother this morning that I didn’t want to hear anything from or about our father, though my brother is welcome to give him my phone number if he asks for it.

I asked my mother if she wanted to walk me down the aisle as well, which she said felt inappropriate, since she is not Catholic.

So it looks like I’m going it alone. Thanks for the advice. It really helped me think about this issue clearly instead of letting my emotions get the best of me.
 
mandajane said:
Thanks. I told my brother this morning that I didn’t want to hear anything from or about our father, though my brother is welcome to give him my phone number if he asks for it.

I asked my mother if she wanted to walk me down the aisle as well, which she said felt inappropriate, since she is not Catholic.

So it looks like I’m going it alone. Thanks for the advice. It really helped me think about this issue clearly instead of letting my emotions get the best of me.
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I have been where you are. These feelings are not going to go away, but they do get better. As for your mom not feeling that it is appropriate because she is not Catholic, get the priest to talk to her about it being not only ok, but VERY appropriate. Let her know how much you love her and how much it would mean to you to have her at your side. If this is not something that you want to do, another option would be to ask your future father-in-law to walk you down the aisle or an uncle. I had my uncle walk me down the aisle. It meant so much to him because his daughter eloped and he wasn’t able to even be there for her wedding. :hug3:
 
Congrats on your wedding!
I am glad you are getting past the issue with your “dad”. Leave it alone.
I will pray for you. I know it must be painful.
 
Hi Mandajane,

I’m not going to offer you any advice (because you have received some excellent advice already here), except one thing:

When you think of the men in your life (brother, father, husband) simply remember that good St. Joseph is your spiritual father already and consecrate the man you are thinking of at the moment to St. Joseph.

When you are feeling confused or unsure how to handle any situation with any of these men now or in the future, ask St. Joseph to help you. He is the human reflection of the Eternal Father. Pray an “Our Father” in honor of the Eternal Father and good St. Joseph! I guarantee good results!
 
Hurtful replies should never have been repeated to you. Your brother didn’t do you a favor by telling you. (I’m assuming it was him repeating those cruel words)

I am really surprised about having a dad or mother walk you down the aisle. We got married almost 23 yrs ago and we were encouraged to come into the church, bride and groom together, to be married. Has the idea of a bride coming in with her father continued because we see it so much on TV? Are we attached to the emotion of the moment and the superstition of ‘it’s bad luck to see the bride before the wedding?’ Please consider coming in with your groom and hold your head up. No one ‘gives you away’, you come before God and friends together to express your love and your intention to marry. God bless.
 
PennyinCanada said:
Hurtful replies should never have been repeated to you. Your brother didn’t do you a favor by telling you. (I’m assuming it was him repeating those cruel words)

I am really surprised about having a dad or mother walk you down the aisle. We got married almost 23 yrs ago and we were encouraged to come into the church, bride and groom together, to be married. Has the idea of a bride coming in with her father continued because we see it so much on TV? Are we attached to the emotion of the moment and the superstition of ‘it’s bad luck to see the bride before the wedding?’ Please consider coming in with your groom and hold your head up. No one ‘gives you away’, you come before God and friends together to express your love and your intention to marry. God bless.
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I think this is the way everyone should marry, honestly. People seem greatly concerned about equality - this is the couple walking TOGETHER to the altar, to make their vows before God. The “giving away” thing is not Catholic.
 
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