Sleeping in same bed with a friend

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happygolucky

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So the other night I slept in a bed with a friend of the opposite gender. It was storming and a long walk home, so he offered to share his bed with me. We went to sleep and that was it. However, after I told one of my catholic friends about this, she immediately said it had been a sin for me to spend the night with him.

Is this actually considered a sin? We are not bg/gf, consider each other just friends (something we established back in highschool and re-confirmed after entering college), and merely slept together in the same bed. Plus, before images of spooning or whatever start popping into people’s thoughts, we flipped the way we slept: so my feet were near his head, and his near mine, then turned our backs to each other. Why? Because we are just friends and didn’t want to make it awkward.

So, would this be considered sinful? I’m assuming not since everything was chaste. Hypothetically, if this was a common occurance (trust me, it’s not and isn’t going to be) would that even be considered a sin, since it’s two friends that just happen to be opposite genders and they are sleeping flipped (head to foot) with backs turned?

Thanks.
 
Presumably there was no sofa or couch, and no thick rug on the floor!

I think your friend had in mind that it could cause scandal and that it could be an occasion of sinful thoughts, if not for you, for the other person. That isn’t something you can guarantee on behalf of even the best person. These were probably the issues in your friend’s mind. Hers is the objective judgment.

You had no ill intent. Others cannot subjectively judge that you sinned.
You intend to avoid the potential of such an occasion, but as you indicate, no sin was intended, just charity.
 
triumphguy said:
If you’re so sure about it, why are you asking?:p:D
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I guess, because if someone else thought it was sinful, the OP thought she should see if anyone else in Catholic cyberland thought so. Testing the question of whether she was correct or the friend was. Not an admission of guilt I think! 🙂 :eek:
 
There wasn’t any sin that happened. No, it was not sinful. But remember that people are quick to judge, and many people instantly assume that everyone gives in to their baser instincts. So it could be scandalous or cause people to think you are sinning. That could cause you problems in your daily life, but the only thing that matters spiritually is that God Himself knows when you sin and when you don’t. So there’s really nothing to worry about as far as that goes.
 
You absolutely DID NOT sin, not one whit. So DON’T feel guilty about it.

HOWEVER, some folks here ARE giving you good advice to think about.

When two people of the opposite sex share the same bed,
there is ALWAYS risk involved, even if you ARE “just friends.”
The reason is: the world, the flesh and the devil.
You NEVER KNOW how your body and mind are going to start to react
in such a situation. The body is a sexual organism, with innate passions.
Those passions are physical/emotional and do not submit to the Laws of God.
We have to force them to.

It was great that you took precautions to try and avoid such a thing even starting to happen, though. That was smart.

But beware of such situations in the future, because the fallen ones would just LOVE to get you and your friend into hot water.

God bless you,
Jaypeeto4
+JMJ+
PRAY THE ROSARY DAILY
 
Hi…below excerpt quote is for your consideration…your conscience…your decision…but, from what I read below…this is not just a personal opinion for you or anyone else…me included. The Church has made a moral judgment on these type “near occasions of sin”…from my understanding and what I have always been taught…your decision does not look to be objectively…a morally sound decision from the Church’s perspective.

The good news: there are…those who have…and…those who will…make similar or the same type decisions!..especially me. You are not alone

Best advice…if none of this “stuff” helps…get spiritual counsel/advice from a priest…deacon…religious…and then follow your conscience from there.
Pax Christi
**THE CATHOLIC ENCYCLOPEDIA **
Occasions of Sin
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Occasions of Sin are external circumstances–whether of things or persons–which either because of their special nature or because of the frailty common to humanity or peculiar to some individual, incite or entice one to sin.
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It is important to remember that there is a wide difference between the cause and the occasion of sin. The cause of sin in the last analysis is the perverse human will and is intrinsic to the human composite. The occasion is something extrinsic and, given the freedom of the will, cannot, properly speaking, stand in causal relation to the act or vicious habit which we call sin. There can be no doubt that in general the same obligation which binds us to refrain from sin requires us to shun its occasion. Qui tenetur ad finem, tenetur ad media (he who is bound to reach a certain end is bound to employ the means to attain it).
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newadvent.org/cathen/11196a.htm
 
THE CATHOLIC ENCYCLOPEDIA
Occasions of Sin
Click to expand...
Occasions of Sin are external circumstances–whether of things or persons–which either because of their special nature or because of the frailty common to humanity or peculiar to some individual, incite or entice one to sin.
Click to expand...
It is important to remember that there is a wide difference between the cause and the occasion of sin. The cause of sin in the last analysis is the perverse human will and is intrinsic to the human composite. The occasion is something extrinsic and, given the freedom of the will, cannot, properly speaking, stand in causal relation to the act or vicious habit which we call sin. There can be no doubt that in general the same obligation which binds us to refrain from sin requires us to shun its occasion. Qui tenetur ad finem, tenetur ad media (he who is bound to reach a certain end is bound to employ the means to attain it).
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Thanks for posting this. I was looking for a good brief defintion of it for something I’m working on.

To the OP: sleeping in the same bed as an opposite sex friend who is not your spouse is a very bad idea. Sleeping in the same residence without a chaperon around, even if your in seperate rooms is a very bad idea. I’d suggest a hotel room or lady friend’s house next time. If there truly is an emergency (blizzard, etc) which leaves you with no choice but to stay at a gentleman’s house, he should stay in a different room.

Pax
 
Also to the OP: You stated you and your friend, “flipped” so it wouldn’t be awkward, which means you both have some idea that sleeping in the same bed could present “awkwardness” meaning uncomfortable feelings/temptations.

I’d humbly suggest that thinking you can invent special rules that will safeguard you is extremely dangerous “well we’ll sleep flipped upside down” or in different circumstances “well I’ll only touch x and y…but not z” or “we’ll only go so far, because we have really good self control, but not farther”.

Privacy and darkness are two great enemies of purity. In the circumstances you had both were present. You were fortunate. You may not be fortunate next time. Do not put your purity or your friend’s to the test.

Pax Christi
 
Thanks everyone for your answers!
I think everyone who answered initially made the most sense to me, towards the bottom it kind of dissolved into surprise sex cautioning… Thanks for your concern, but I think my friend and I can contain ourselves just fine. I was just wondering if this had been sinful in nature, which I have come to the conclusion that it was not.

For those wondering; yes there were no other options regarding the decision. As a dorm room there are no other separate rooms, carpeting, couches, etc. Just a bed and a small, hard wooden chair.

And flipping was not a way of saying, “here is what we will do to avoid sex.” It was something we did out of mutual respect of our boundaries of being just friends.
 
Dan_Daly said:
Also to the OP: You stated you and your friend, “flipped” so it wouldn’t be awkward, which means you both have some idea that sleeping in the same bed could present “awkwardness” meaning uncomfortable feelings/temptations.

I’d humbly suggest that thinking you can invent special rules that will safeguard you is extremely dangerous “well we’ll sleep flipped upside down” or in different circumstances “well I’ll only touch x and y…but not z” or “we’ll only go so far, because we have really good self control, but not farther”.

Privacy and darkness are two great enemies of purity. In the circumstances you had both were present. You were fortunate. You may not be fortunate next time. Do not put your purity or your friend’s to the test.

Pax Christi
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This seems very judgmental to me. I can understand many good reasons to lay opposite one another in such an occasion and they aren’t tied to loose morals.

I don’t think they invented some special rule to make themselves feel they were not sinning. They were simply not sinning.

God bless,
Joshua
 
happygolucky said:
Thanks everyone for your answers!
I think everyone who answered initially made the most sense to me, towards the bottom it kind of dissolved into surprise sex cautioning… Thanks for your concern, but I think my friend and I can contain ourselves just fine. I was just wondering if this had been sinful in nature, which I have come to the conclusion that it was not.

For those wondering; yes there were no other options regarding the decision. As a dorm room there are no other separate rooms, carpeting, couches, etc. Just a bed and a small, hard wooden chair.

And flipping was not a way of saying, “here is what we will do to avoid sex.” It was something we did out of mutual respect of our boundaries of being just friends.
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You did nothing wrong. Sin must involve intent and you did not have the intent to sin. The nature of your actions were completely harmless.

Joshua
 
I’ve done the same things with friends who are guys. Especially at college, sometimes people just fall asleep in someone else’s room. If you really are just friends, I wouldn’t worry about it.
 
If you want to sleep with someone, buy yourself a giant teddy bear.
 
joshvanrad said:
This seems very judgmental to me. I can understand many good reasons to lay opposite one another in such an occasion and they aren’t tied to loose morals.

I don’t think they invented some special rule to make themselves feel they were not sinning. They were simply not sinning.

God bless,
Joshua
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“judgmental” is a charge that seems to get quickly throw about. As Catholics we cannot judge someone else’s heart (which I didn’t) but we can and should judge actions. Which is what the OP asked us to do, and what I did.

I have no reason to doubt that the OP and the man in question had good intentions. My advice is still for them to not do so again. Because someone is not culpable for a sin, does not mean that the act isn’t wrong or dangerous.

Pax Christi
 
If the boundaries are established ahead of time plus there was no intention of sin, you did not commit a sin by sharing a bed in the manner you described with your friend of the opposite gender. Some people think that 1 male + 1 female in a room automatically equals sin or an occasion of sin but it can be that only if ground rules are not laid down ahead of time.

I’ve shared a hotel room with a male friend who considers me one of his best friends and like a sister. We had separate single beds in the room per my request when a reservation was made. He was looking after me when I was visiting his hometown, and had gotten ill during my vacation. At least as far as I know, he did not get the cold later that I had even though we were in close proximity.
 
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