So confused about confession

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newangela

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Hello all-

I have only been a Catholic for two years now, and I am still feeling really confused about when to confess and what needs confessing. I didn’t know any Catholics in my life when I joined, and my sponsor told me she didn’t like to go to confession and never did, so needless to say, I didn’t get well catechized there:)

I have been to confession about 6 times in those two years. I don’t go to my own parish because they offer face to face confession, which I find difficult, so I go to a parish near my home which offers the traditional version with a closed door.

My issue is with what needs confessing. I have a pretty sensitive conscience, and I avoid occasions of sin, attend mass, and just generally try not to be in a state of mortal sin. I confess to God each night the things I’ve done which I know need improving. But I worry about whether I’m inadvertently doing things which need confession, not knowing it, and receiving the Eucharist when I should not.

Basically, I know I have some issues with anger as it relates to my children. I yell, I feel guilty, I try not to do it again, but this is a problem for me. Does it need confessing? I of course pray about it, and ask for grace to be and do better. But is what’s happening a mortal sin? I have seen lists of mortal sins before, and I do know that in many areas, I am not struggling, which I know is God’s grace.

I’ve rambled. Sorry. I hope someone has some advice to give.
Thanks!
Angela
 
The best advice you are going to get is from your priest confessor. Next time you go to confession at this other parish, tell the priest you are a new Catholic who needs guidance on what and how to confess. Also tell him you have a sensitive conscience, you do not want to become scrupulous so he can help you form it properly.

There is a difference between what you “must” confess and what you “can” and “should” confess. You must confess mortal sins, but it does us much good to confess venial sins also. So, even if your anger towards your children does not rise to mortal sin, yes you can confess it and it will give you an opportunity to sacramentally receive grace to strengthen you in changing your interactions with them.

Again, talk to your priest in your own parish by appointment for help with confession or talk to the priest in the parish you attend for confession.
 
Only Mortal sin “needs” to be confessed (and that in number and kind and circumstance that changes it–like it was your husband you murdered).

Venial sins are recommended to confess directly in confession (at least some of them…there can be many in life at times)…but they can be forgiven in various ways and do not “have” to be confessed directly in confession (one can also intend the rest of the venial sins at the end of your confession under “and all the sins of my life”).

For mortal sin one needs grave matter, full knowledge and complete consent.

Anger by the way is often in the venial area.

Ones confessor can guide you and it is good to study the Catechism or other good works.

Catholic Answers sells as I recall a good examine: shop.catholic.com/product.php?productid=137&cat=25&page=1

Feel free to pm if I can be of any help.
 
Angela,

God bless you for wanting to more deeply partake in this sacrament. :extrahappy:

I’d recommend that you read Fr. Z’s 20 Tips for Making a Good Confession.

We should…
  1. …examine our consciences regularly and thoroughly;
  2. …wait our turn in line patiently;
  3. …come at the time confessions are scheduled, not a few minutes before they are to end;
  4. …speak distinctly but never so loudly that we might be overheard;
  5. …state our sins clearly and briefly without rambling;
  6. …confess all mortal sins in number and kind;
  7. …listen carefully to the advice the priest gives;
  8. …confess our own sins and not someone else’s;
  9. …carefully listen to and remember the penance and be sure to understand it;
  10. …use a regular formula for confession so that it is familiar and comfortable;
  11. …never be afraid to say something “embarrassing”… just say it;
  12. …never worry that the priest thinks we are jerks…. he is usually impressed by our courage;
  13. …never fear that the priest will not keep our confession secret… he is bound by the Seal;
  14. …never confess “tendencies” or “struggles”… just sins;
  15. …never leave the confessional before the priest has finished giving absolution;
  16. …memorize an Act of Contrition;
  17. …answer the priest’s questions briefly if he asks for a clarification;
  18. …ask questions if we can’t understand what he means when he tells us something;
  19. …keep in mind that sometimes priests can have bad days just like we do;
  20. …remember that priests must go to confession too … they know what we are going through.
Scott Hahn has a good book on the sacrament, Lord, Have Mercy: The Healing Power Of Confession. Perhaps your library has it?
 
Thanks for the advice…I can see from the list of “what to do” that the things on my heart are in the “struggles and tendencies” category. So, perhaps not confession worthy?
I do know I tend towards being overly critical of myself and my sins, and I don’t want to veer into scrupulosity.

angela
 
newangela said:
Hello all-

I have only been a Catholic for two years now, and I am still feeling really confused about when to confess and what needs confessing. I didn’t know any Catholics in my life when I joined, and my sponsor told me she didn’t like to go to confession and never did, so needless to say, I didn’t get well catechized there:)
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Generally, you should confess as soon as you can after committing a mortal sin. If you have not committed one, I would recommend at least monthly confession.
I have been to confession about 6 times in those two years. I don’t go to my own parish because they offer face to face confession, which I find difficult, so I go to a parish near my home which offers the traditional version with a closed door.
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You may benefit from having the same confessor as they can help you with repeat sins. However, you are free to continue doing what you’re doing.
My issue is with what needs confessing. I have a pretty sensitive conscience, and I avoid occasions of sin, attend mass, and just generally try not to be in a state of mortal sin. I confess to God each night the things I’ve done which I know need improving. But I worry about whether I’m inadvertently doing things which need confession, not knowing it, and receiving the Eucharist when I should not.
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Get yourself an Examination of Conscience. You can Google it and I believe this website has one.
Basically, I know I have some issues with anger as it relates to my children. I yell, I feel guilty, I try not to do it again, but this is a problem for me. Does it need confessing? I of course pray about it, and ask for grace to be and do better. But is what’s happening a mortal sin? I have seen lists of mortal sins before, and I do know that in many areas, I am not struggling, which I know is God’s grace.
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This is a difficult one to determine since we don’t know all of the details. Disciplining your children is not sinful by itself. However, if you yell at them for no reason then you may need to get help. But to answer your question: for a sin to mortal, you have to meet three conditions. The sin must be grave matter, you must know that it is grave, and you must consent to the sin anyways. Since you don’t know if your anger issues constitute a mortal sin, you cannot be guilty of having committed one. But you should definitely talk to your priest about this.
I’ve rambled. Sorry. I hope someone has some advice to give.
Thanks!
Angela
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You were seeking guidance :). No reason to apologize for that.
 
newangela said:
Thanks for the advice…I can see from the list of “what to do” that the things on my heart are in the “struggles and tendencies” category. So, perhaps not confession worthy?
I do know I tend towards being overly critical of myself and my sins, and I don’t want to veer into scrupulosity.

angela
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It may be good for you to get a “regular confessor”…he can advise you in the particulars as what may be good for you at this time.
 
I’m a new convert as well (one year for me come Easter) and I’m having the same problem. I really have a hard time figuring out what is grave matter and what is a mortal sin…

Part of the problem is that the examination of conscience I use does not separate mortal sins from venial ones so I’m not sure what requires confession before communion and what doesn’t. sigh I’ve taken to trusting the Lord to give me some wisdom. I always pray and ask Him if I can receive…

I hope you find the answers you seek and I’ll be watching this thread hoping for some answers of my own.
 
nickybr38 said:
I’m a new convert as well (one year for me come Easter) and I’m having the same problem. I really have a hard time figuring out what is grave matter and what is a mortal sin…

Part of the problem is that the examination of conscience I use does not separate mortal sins from venial ones so I’m not sure what requires confession before communion and what doesn’t.
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saintaquinas.com/mortal_sin.html

In order for a sin to be mortal, it must meet three conditions:
Code: 
* Mortal sin is a sin of grave matter
* Mortal sin is committed with full knowledge of the sinner
* Mortal sin is committed with deliberate consent of the sinner
 
nickybr38 said:
I’m a new convert as well (one year for me come Easter) and I’m having the same problem. I really have a hard time figuring out what is grave matter and what is a mortal sin…

Part of the problem is that the examination of conscience I use does not separate mortal sins from venial ones so I’m not sure what requires confession before communion and what doesn’t. sigh I’ve taken to trusting the Lord to give me some wisdom. I always pray and ask Him if I can receive…

I hope you find the answers you seek and I’ll be watching this thread hoping for some answers of my own.
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Here’s a good list. It also explains sin.

saintaquinas.com/mortal_sin.html
 
Splagchnizomai said:
saintaquinas.com/mortal_sin.html

In order for a sin to be mortal, it must meet three conditions:
Code: 
* Mortal sin is a sin of grave matter
* Mortal sin is committed with full knowledge of the sinner
* Mortal sin is committed with deliberate consent of the sinner
Click to expand...
Yes, I know. 🙂 What confuses me, personally, is that my examination of conscience does not specify if something is grave matter or not…
 
Nicky, I agree with you! I have that trouble with the examinations as well. I do like the aquinas link…I think it does a good job of spelling it all out. I, too, rely a bit on the Holy Spirit to lead me as to when I need to get to confession, especially when I find myself confused about whether to go or not.

Angela
 
newangela said:
Nicky, I agree with you! I have that trouble with the examinations as well. I do like the aquinas link…I think it does a good job of spelling it all out. I, too, rely a bit on the Holy Spirit to lead me as to when I need to get to confession, especially when I find myself confused about whether to go or not.

Angela
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👍 That Aquinas link is great. They should have given us this at confirmation eh? 😉
 
newangela said:
I do like the aquinas link…I think it does a good job of spelling it all out.

Angela
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I would take some care with that link…some things can be misunderstood or distinctions not be evident…go right to the Catechism entries etc.
 
Bookcat said:
I would take some care with that link…some things can be misunderstood or distinctions not be evident…go right to the Catechism entries etc.
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As with anything more then one resource has to be used… but as a basic overview that is one of the better ones I’ve seen.
 
Compendium issued by Pope Benedict XVI
  1. When does one commit a mortal sin?
1855-1861
1874

One commits a mortal sin when there are simultaneously present: grave matter, full knowledge, and deliberate consent. This sin destroys charity in us, deprives us of sanctifying grace, and, if unrepented, leads us to the eternal death of hell. It can be forgiven in the ordinary way by means of the sacraments of Baptism and of Penance or Reconciliation.
  1. When does one commit a venial sin?
1862-1864
1875

One commits a venial sin, which is essentially different from a mortal sin, when the matter involved is less serious or, even if it is grave, when full knowledge or complete consent are absent. Venial sin does not break the covenant with God but it weakens charity and manifests a disordered affection for created goods. It impedes the progress of a soul in the exercise of the virtues and in the practice of moral good. It merits temporal punishment which purifies.

vatican.va/archive/compendium_ccc/documents/archive_2005_compendium-ccc_en.html
 
Bookcat said:
Compendium issued by Pope Benedict XVI
  1. When does one commit a mortal sin?
1855-1861
1874

One commits a mortal sin when there are simultaneously present: grave matter, full knowledge, and deliberate consent. This sin destroys charity in us, deprives us of sanctifying grace, and, if unrepented, leads us to the eternal death of hell. It can be forgiven in the ordinary way by means of the sacraments of Baptism and of Penance or Reconciliation.
  1. When does one commit a venial sin?
1862-1864
1875

One commits a venial sin, which is essentially different from a mortal sin, when the matter involved is less serious or, even if it is grave, when full knowledge or complete consent are absent. Venial sin does not break the covenant with God but it weakens charity and manifests a disordered affection for created goods. It impedes the progress of a soul in the exercise of the virtues and in the practice of moral good. It merits temporal punishment which purifies.

vatican.va/archive/compendium_ccc/documents/archive_2005_compendium-ccc_en.html
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That’s very nice but what IS grave matter? 🙂 That’s why the Catechism didn’t help me much. It didn’t specify which sins constitute grave matter… Yes it’s nice to know I am not committing mortal sin because I was not aware something was grave matter but isn’t my obligation to learn? And to know?
 
nickybr38 said:
That’s very nice but what IS grave matter? 🙂 That’s why the Catechism didn’t help me much. It didn’t specify which sins constitute grave matter… Yes it’s nice to know I am not committing mortal sin because I was not aware something was grave matter but isn’t my obligation to learn? And to know?
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Yes to form conscience 🙂

One can go through the 10 commandments section …(much mentioned there is grave matter. At times it even emphasizes that something is grave by stating it. One can see by context often too. But yes I understand that one needs other sources as well …the CCC is not meant to be exhaustive…one can use something like the examine that CA sells that I noted above.

1858 Grave matter is specified by the Ten Commandments, corresponding to the answer of Jesus to the rich young man: "Do not kill, Do not commit adultery, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Do not defraud, Honor your father and your mother."132 The gravity of sins is more or less great: murder is graver than theft. One must also take into account who is wronged: violence against parents is in itself graver than violence against a stranger.

The obligation of the Decalogue

2072 Since they express man’s fundamental duties towards God and towards his neighbor, the Ten Commandments reveal, in their primordial content, grave obligations. They are fundamentally immutable, and they oblige always and everywhere. No one can dispense from them. The Ten Commandments are engraved by God in the human heart.

2073 Obedience to the Commandments also implies obligations in matter which is, in itself, light. Thus abusive language is forbidden by the fifth commandment, but would be a grave offense only as a result of circumstances or the offender’s intention.​

Examples:

2268 The fifth commandment forbids direct and intentional killing as gravely sinful. The murderer and those who cooperate voluntarily in murder commit a sin that cries out to heaven for vengeance.69

Infanticide,70 fratricide, parricide, and the murder of a spouse are especially grave crimes by reason of the natural bonds which they break. Concern for eugenics or public health cannot justify any murder, even if commanded by public authority.

2484 The gravity of a lie is measured against the nature of the truth it deforms, the circumstances, the intentions of the one who lies, and the harm suffered by its victims. If a lie in itself only constitutes a venial sin, it becomes mortal when it does grave injury to the virtues of justice and charity.

2181 The Sunday Eucharist is the foundation and confirmation of all Christian practice. For this reason the faithful are obliged to participate in the Eucharist on days of obligation, unless excused for a serious reason (for example, illness, the care of infants) or dispensed by their own pastor.119 Those who deliberately fail in this obligation commit a grave sin.
 
Ok, besides people who suffer from scrupolosity and have a sensitive conscience, what about people who are mentally ill, like suffering from Manic Depression, OCD, or Anxiety Disorders? If they haven’t been able to find a regular confessor who understands them from a psychological point of view, what are they to do in cases when they commit a mortal sin, like miss Mass, but do so because of their mental illness?

Maybe I should have started a different post for this but it dawned on me as I was reading this thread. I was discussing this very issue today with some people.

Blessings.
 
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